I used to smoke weed every day. Not because I couldnโt function without it, but because of what it gave me in very specific moments. Late at night, no pressure to sleep, sitting in the garden or in my room with music playing, it turned everything up. Music didnโt just sound good, it felt deeper, fuller, like I was inside it. It wasnโt just listening, it was experiencing something.
I donโt struggle to relax. Thatโs not the issue. I can sit still, do nothing, be calm. Iโve got control over that. What I miss isnโt peace, itโs intensity.
I quit for a job opportunity. Strict policies, no room for messing around. And I stuck to it. Almost a year now, with only a couple of times slipping back into it. From everyday use to almost nothing, that part Iโve handled. Discipline isnโt the problem.
But nothing replaced that feeling.
For a long time after quitting, everything felt dull. Not bad, just flat. Like the colour had been turned down on everything I used to enjoy. Music still sounds good, but it doesnโt hit the same. It doesnโt grab me the way it used to. And I notice that absence with many things more than anything.
Itโs not a physical craving. Iโm not sitting here unable to cope or desperate for it. Itโs more like remembering something that used to feel incredible and knowing thereโs nothing else that quite matches it. That specific dopamine hit. Easy, immediate, and intense, just isnโt there anymore.
And the thing is, I know why. I know my brain adjusted to it. I know I raised the baseline for what โfeels good,โ and now normal things donโt hit as hard in comparison. Thatโs not surprising. But understanding it doesnโt make it disappear.
What makes it harder is that Iโm in this phase where Iโm putting in work, staying disciplined, doing everything right, but Iโm not yet at the point where it feels rewarding. Thereโs a gap between effort and payoff. And in that gap, my brain keeps drifting back to the one thing that used to give me a reliable reward instantly.
I donโt feel like I need weed to function. I just miss what it added to certain moments. I miss that version of music. That version of being alone at night. That version of switching off in a way that feltโฆ enhanced.
And I know if I went back to it regularly, Iโd get that feeling again. But I also know it wouldnโt just stay in that one lane. It would start bleeding into everything else, my discipline, my patience, the opportunity I stopped for in the first place.
Not struggling. Not falling apart. Just aware that I traded something that felt really good for something that matters more long term, and sitting with the fact that the replacement doesnโt feel as good in the moment.
germansingergirl
blakekathryn
discoholicmusic
turnnoffyourmind
pixelskylines
jbbartram-illu
2087
dededos
origamiaround
