I used to smoke weed every day. Not because I couldnβt function without it, but because of what it gave me in very specific moments. Late at night, no pressure to sleep, sitting in the garden or in my room with music playing, it turned everything up. Music didnβt just sound good, it felt deeper, fuller, like I was inside it. It wasnβt just listening, it was experiencing something.
I donβt struggle to relax. Thatβs not the issue. I can sit still, do nothing, be calm. Iβve got control over that. What I miss isnβt peace, itβs intensity.
I quit for a job opportunity. Strict policies, no room for messing around. And I stuck to it. Almost a year now, with only a couple of times slipping back into it. From everyday use to almost nothing, that part Iβve handled. Discipline isnβt the problem.
But nothing replaced that feeling.
For a long time after quitting, everything felt dull. Not bad, just flat. Like the colour had been turned down on everything I used to enjoy. Music still sounds good, but it doesnβt hit the same. It doesnβt grab me the way it used to. And I notice that absence with many things more than anything.
Itβs not a physical craving. Iβm not sitting here unable to cope or desperate for it. Itβs more like remembering something that used to feel incredible and knowing thereβs nothing else that quite matches it. That specific dopamine hit. Easy, immediate, and intense, just isnβt there anymore.
And the thing is, I know why. I know my brain adjusted to it. I know I raised the baseline for what βfeels good,β and now normal things donβt hit as hard in comparison. Thatβs not surprising. But understanding it doesnβt make it disappear.
What makes it harder is that Iβm in this phase where Iβm putting in work, staying disciplined, doing everything right, but Iβm not yet at the point where it feels rewarding. Thereβs a gap between effort and payoff. And in that gap, my brain keeps drifting back to the one thing that used to give me a reliable reward instantly.
I donβt feel like I need weed to function. I just miss what it added to certain moments. I miss that version of music. That version of being alone at night. That version of switching off in a way that feltβ¦ enhanced.
And I know if I went back to it regularly, Iβd get that feeling again. But I also know it wouldnβt just stay in that one lane. It would start bleeding into everything else, my discipline, my patience, the opportunity I stopped for in the first place.
Not struggling. Not falling apart. Just aware that I traded something that felt really good for something that matters more long term, and sitting with the fact that the replacement doesnβt feel as good in the moment.
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