ɪnˈsuːsɪənt

free from worry or anxiety; carefree; nonchalant.

[saskiakeultjes]

from the broken sketchbook

[infiction]

I love this email at 3:05 in the freaking morning.

[infiction]

Who is this, Tina?

P.S. We are not together, we sometimes ask hugs from each other whenever work or other stuff becomes too overwhelming. Wholesome tayo dito.

[infiction]

I recently discovered from Gaby that Beta means that a product is not fully released yet and there are existing bugs. Recently saw that the new editor here in Tumblr is in beta version. Haha learning new things from that guy, I like it.

I guess I'll just have to wait until this new editor is fixed. I'm just gonna continue writing in my journal.

Maybe I'll write a poem or prose here soon? Ooh. I miss that.

[infiction]

We, Lawrence, Mama, and I, attended Shekinah's Dad's last day of the funeral. Masyado kaming napaiyak ng eulogy ng magkakapatid, lalo na kami ni mama.

Sa palagay ko, hindi ko kaya yung nararamdaman nila ngayon. Naisip ko lang, kung sa amin pa nga lang ang bigat na noong nagbibigay sila ng mga magaganda at masasayang memorya kasama ni Pastor, paano pa kaya sa kanila? My heart is aching for them. Kabilang na sila sa pangalawang pamilya at pangalawang magulang na nilang walo ang nawala sa buhay nila. Habang nagbibigay sila ng huling paalam para sa papa nila, natakot ako at nagpasalamat kay Lord na noong nagkaroon ng COVID-19 ang papa ko, hindi nya kami pinabayaan at pinalakas nya kaming lahat.

Madami nang buhay ang nawala dahil sa sakit na 'to. Kahit anong galit at pagsisisi nating lahat sa response ng gobyernong ito hindi pa rin naman nila mababalik ang mga buhay na nawala.

They're not just statistics, buhay ito ng isang tao. Isang ama, isang ina, anak, kapatid, asawa. Sa dinami-rami ng bilang na kinuha sa pangalawang taon ng pandemya, hindi ko maisip kung gaano kasakit sa mga nawalan na kailangan pa rin nilang harapin ang laban habang may isa o dalawang naisuko na.

Lord, ikaw lang ang nakakaalam ng magiging bukas ng bawat isa. Salamat sa pagaalaga sa amin. Alam ko na kasama Ka na ng papa ni Shek. Payapa at masaya sa piling Mo. Pastor, aalagaan at gagabayan naming pamilya si Shek at pamilya nyo. Kung ano mang tulong ang kayang ibigay, willing kami na ipaabot 'yon. Salamat po at kahit nasa piling ka na ng Lord, naibalik mo ako sa Kanya. Paalam. Hanggang sa muling pagkikita, Sir.

[infiction]

This is my sign

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[infiction]

Bakit ba ayaw mo sa kanya?

This guy, Gab, we're friends for like four months na. Bakit nga ba ayaw ko sa kanya? Base sa tanong ng nakararami.

Hindi pa ako ready. Hindi dahil sa hung up pa ko sa ex ko. Thank God he made a terrible thing na made me sick of him. I'm kidding. I love that man dearly and seeing him do that made me realize na despite of the mess we've been through, I'm the one who loved the most. I want to cherish that one, celebrate that love in me and dwell in the thought na there is someone out there that deserves what I can give. The healed one.

Ayaw kong sirain yung friendship namin. Yes, he's sort of the guy na hinahanap ko pero tama ba na ipilit ko yon? Am I just gonna say, "Edi papaligaw ako sa kanya, hindi naman sya mahirap mahalin" kahit ibang love naman yung nakikita ko para sa kanya? I love him as a friend. Kung makikita nyo lang talaga yung saya ko bilang isang kaibigan nya, I think hindi kayo magtataka sa mga sinasabi ko.

Madali lang mag-landi. Madali lang naman maghanap ng bago pero may gusto akong maramdaman. Yung pakiramdam na hindi nagmamadali, hindi pilit. Yung pakiramdam na swabe lang, binigyan ng panahon at oras para kapag nagkakilala kami kahit hindi pa sya ang endgame ko walang gusot na mangyayari.

Hindi naman kailangan na lahat ng lalaking darating sa buhay ko ay gagawin kong boyfriend. Gusto ko lang naman ng isang scenario kapag may asawa at anak na ko na pwedeng makausap pa rin, hangout and all. Dahil alam kong maganda yung pinagsamahan namin.

Para sa akin enough na yun para mas mahalin ko yung sarili ko. Masaya ako ngayon kasi nandyan si Gab bilang kaibigan. At marami na rin akong na-gain na kaibigan dahil sa Intelligent People Discord. Sobrang punong puno ng pagmamahal yung puso ko, gusto ko naman i-share yun sa iba. Pero unang una ko ibinibigay kay Kylo yon. Aaaahhh. This is why I don't need meds. Joke. For another blog entry to.

[infiction]

A colleague introduced me to this guy, he goes by the name of Gabriel (I know right) but they call him Gio. He recently broke up with his ex like two weeks ago.

Disclaimer everything I told him happened weeks ago na like July pa ata, we've been talking for a couple of weeks na din.

So I told Gio the night we met na we can be friends muna and don't pursue the landian part since he just broke up with his ex.

Me: I wanna respect your two-year relationship so we can just be friends for a while and just talk. Ganon

Gio: Do you think it's early for me na manlandi? I mean it's been two weeks na rin naman na and I think may nilalandi na rin yung ex ko

So, I told him whenever he's ready so we proceed and talk, walang landian kasi gusto ko rin na he finds time for himself muna. I'll just be a friend na pwede nya kausapin. Sabi ko rin respetuhin na rin namin yung ex nya if you ended things fine naman diba. Kung nag-cheat yung girl sa kanya I would be willing to flirt with him then and there.

To make the story short, he thanked me that he has more time with his friends now. Sabi ko sakanya he can always talk to me whenever and we're planning to meet soon for some coffee or meet Kylo din.

I mean, he's a good guy. Pero we don't have the same music taste so deal breaker na sa akin ngayon yon. Give me some quality music, guys!

[infiction]

I can't explain how happy I am right now. I get to be of service for a friend and roadtrip at the same time na din. I just love doing simple things for my friends. Basta ang daming happy moments lang. I just want to keep this to myself muna.

[infiction]

I haven't uploaded the faux-podcast but here's a gist of what it's all about. He sent me inspirational and different activities that can help me overcome my PTSD. I am owning that I need help and he willingly/unconsciously guides me.

Valid naman pala to say na mag-man up. I thought I'm being delusional pero ganito lang naman kasimple yung hinihiling ko. Be observant, tell me you're attentive of my passion and needs.

Recently told Gab that I tried yoga before and he sent me an IG post encouraging me to join a community yoga class. So I did and it helped me so much! Natouch ako sa kupal na 'to, really treasure this guy.

Haven't opened that message yet overwhelmed pa ko sa mga actions nya. I don't think I deserve this yet.

[infiction]

I already recorded my fourth faux-podcast but it won't seem to upload here! I don't know why, I did the same steps naman in uploading audio. I guess may prob today si Tumblr, we'll never know. I'm gonna upload this again first thing in the morning or yeah, after I read and exercise.

[infiction]

I just finished writing RWM report a while ago, started around 3AM na din because I had a terrible relapse yesterday. My friend, JC, was able to support me din naman and one topic led to another na. It was so fun to just not think about my work kahit past 11PM na iyon at hindi ko pa talaga nasisimulan kahit isang sulat yung submission ko. I was able to send it on time naman, nakapag-proof read na ko on my work and all.

I tried to calm down last night naman but posting on Treat Your Shelves really pulled me right down. I also told Gab na I broke down and he reassured me that I am entitled to relapses. So, I buried myself in sadness further. It felt good din at some point na I'm crying and letting myself feel things for a while kasi ever since I stopped drinking meds hindi ko na alam kung kelan yung last na may naramdaman ako. Even when I'm with Gab, I don't feel anything and it always led me to terrible decisions.

I'm just going to practice posting and releasing new books and accessories more sa TYS. I really wanted to continue that kasi it helped me get my mind off things, well, whenever wala akong maisip na gawin. Then at least hindi ako mag-sscroll through Facebook, Twitter and Instagram lang or sometimes watch BTS on Youtube. Ayoko na din maging unproductive. I wanna do something that will excite my mind like reading, writing or art.

Iyak ka lang, you're not weak for feeling this way. Soon, the cloudy thoughts will be gone. Makakapag-decide ka din ng mas malinaw especially on reckless ones. Let's start acknowledging the pain and the guilt, huwag na tayong pumayag na lang sa mga bagay na alam nating pagsisisihan natin sa huli.

The goal right now ay makapunta sa AU or SG, hindi ang Erin. Okay?

[infiction]

Tomorrow is a new day.

I'm planning to write as much as I can every day, kahit short lang, of all the good things that will happen to me for the rest of the year. This is to remind me that I am surrounded with positivity and that I can beat my mind to get the hell away from the abyss.

Every Tuesday will be for my faux-podcast, planning to put a title dun pero tingnan pa natin. I want something witty and fun like me. LOL

I hope all this works out, I'm not pressuring myself to do this every single day naman, I am letting myself keep up a good phase and practice consistency in terms of writing and also reading for myself. Sabi nga ni podmom, you don't have to beat yourself up whenever you miss a routine it's always fun to see where the day will lead you. (non-verbatim pero sobrang tumatak sa'akin)

And that makes me really excited for this little project of mine. I'm going to update you every day. I wanna stop updating my Twitter and Instagram feed na kasi because I want to do this solely for myself. For Tina lang and no one else.

I love you, Tina. You are precious and loved! I look forward to the success of this beautiful routine we planned out.

[infiction]

Happy International Beer Day!

Heineken x Budweiser

[infiction]

I just want to share this bit change to my favorite playlist in the whole world! I was referring to 2015 Tagaytay Art Beat, will skim through my digital captures in the next few days so I can change the photo. I just grabbed that one online during Ang Bandang Shirley's Favorite album launch.

AAHhhH artbeat, binuhay mo ang Tina na narito ngayon.

[infiction]

Visit Original Link

Partida barado na yung ilong ko nito ang ganda pa rin ng boses ko. IDK i'm cute alright

[infiction]

I think this guy deserved a space in my blog. Super kupal ng personality but may good side naman -- well tons of it. Some of my friends are worried I might fall for this guy pero jusko ilang buwan na wala naman ako maramdaman.

I'm just glad I found someone who I can spend the lonely days with. I think it's a good thing din na I'm not easily swayed by someone. I realized that I am perfectly whole as a person and I don't need to be in a relationship just to feel genuinely happy.

I mentioned to him din naman multiple times that I'm not on that state where I want to meet new guys na.

I like him. Don't get me wrong! We have the same taste in music (lorde para ko na syang twin), level of maturity (i guess?), authors! (he fucking reads and we have reading sesh every time we're together -- umabot kami hanggang 2am last time!), and we're both emotionally unavailable.

We appreciate each other so much that we often go for adventure by trying out new places and restaurants. Sabay pa kami nagdental appointment and other errands. Hindi pa kami nagkakasabay mag-run around BGC tho but we'll see!

Sakanya ako naiyak every time I'm hurting kasi pinagpalit lang ako (more or less than) a week after the breakup. The moment I discovered about that, he just magically appeared in my messages. Like freaking out of nowhere and as he mentioned, "I'm glad right yung timing ko". He was hella right.

So, Gab, I've told you this for the nth time na. Thank you so much.

Kung kaya ko lang mag-commit, I would prefer someone like you. Right now, I see you as a kuya and bestfriend and that's more than enough for me. And if magkaroon man ako ng bagong boyfriend, I'd still hangout with you around Manda (or kung saan ka man mag end up na city). Haha

I'd take the offer of "living in a 2br apartment" sana but that would invade my personal space na. Tipid nga naman for the both of us I know, but let's save this for your next girl!

You deserve all the love in the world, promise. You are worth it. Hope you find that someone na magiging head over heels ka ulit and will spend the whole day listening to FOB albums with! You are not defined by that one mistake of your ex, you are so much more.

This will be your first and last entry here. I'll see you soon, kupal! Sana makasama ulit kita sa LU at yung plano natin na mamundok, please sa September!