“Right
I’m living because I can’t die but I don’t have anything I want to do
I’m in so much pain and loneliness but people around me keeping telling me to regain my consciousness
I try to vent my anger but I only got myself so what’s the point of venting my anger
I’m scared to open my eyes everyday and start breathing”
.
“그래 씨발 죽지 못해서 살아 하고 싶은 게 없단 건 말야
무엇보다 괴로운데 외로운데 주변에선 하나 같이 정신차려 란
말뿐이네 화풀이해 상대는 뭐 나뿐인데 뭘 화풀이해
매일 아침에 눈 뜨는 게 숨 쉬는 게 무섭네”
.
.
.
I don’t talk or express myself as I used to.
But I want it to be written somewhere even if I’m gonna regret it someday and erase this post eventually.
I’m very music-dependent.
I have to have it in order to not to drown in my own inner voice or poisonous thoughts.
I was diagnosed with depression.
It was always there, only now it had a name and label.
I’ve always found inspiration in lyrics, even if the melody didn’t always speak to me. I always had a phrase or a spesiphic part in songs I liked and managed to link myself - be it sad, happy, inspirational or depressive.
Every word.
Every breaking in his voice.
Every meaning he tried to convey; it hit me so hard.
And I’ve read multiple times that he struggled with depression. But I’ve heard so many people and idols explaining their struggle and what they’ve called ‘depression’ that I no longer cared or wanted to know. Cuz what seems the world to one, means nothing to the other and vice versa. I’ve been so deep in my own shit that I never wanted to care.
The part I quotted especialy, it had so much in it. The words, as well as his swearing and the frustration and ache he convied was so real.
And I was struck.
‘How can someone speak the words from inside me in such a true and genuine pain?’
And then it hit me.
He was (maybe sometimes still is?) in my situation. In my heartache. In these enoumous shoes I constantly try to fit into. He understands. And he makes such truthful music with this hole inside.
I could actually feel and understand every key, every word, every voice-breaking moment, every frustrating and fed up feeling of being self-isolated.
And I thank him for that.
Cuz even if someone said they understand or tried to make me look at the 'bright side' or wanted to truly help - I’ve never felt it. Especially not this much.
So just. Thank you, min yoongi.
