suddenly the airplane trip feels so long, suddenly my mouth feels so sour and wrong, suddenly your presence or anyone to come save me is all that i long.
but it sounds so desperate, when all i did was pushing you back and forth and hurting you too. but i want to know if i'm worthy to even feel love anymore.
but suddenly the option to keep living and seeing life feels so grayscaled. like i can't even see the appeal of it anymore once again. because i have found that there's nothing worth it anymore. because i can't put where my interest can fall
because deep inside, i now realize the road i've built for myself to keep breathing until this second. i've wanted so bad to heal, i can't risk anything after i tried so hard. but the pond is too deep and my feet was starting to get hurt.
thankfully, it's time to go home from the asylum. the three times you're allowed to flap your wings before you chain them again. i really hope i can go home and hold my mother's warm hug. because i don't want to lose it.
maybe also because my mother will look at me with her big eyes, seeing me like i'm a fat diamond in the middle of untangled chaos. how she, the most woman whom can conceal her emotions the best i've ever known, can't even contain her excitement of my homecoming. letting it slip here and there. as if heaven broke down when i come home to her arms.
i often demonize her, but i acknowledge myself enough to know the only reason i'm holding myself is her. how i broke down so bad if in our past rocky relationship we debated. because maybe, i want her to know that if anything ever happens to me, it's not her fault. if anything ever happens to me, she needs to be okay and not panicking like they hit the third tower.
because i acknowledge myself enough to know i love just like both my mother and father. the same pushback and same longing. how both identity clashed inside me, just like her eyes is in me as his brows too. just like how melamin in my skin decides to fight, just like how i push everyone away like my mother to defend myself, but i long and devote myself once i find someone i've fallen knees for just like my father.
because i know my blood is stronger in this one. because i know everything i have is both their best and worst traits they have. because i know my history of making is so holy i had to breathe heavily after the incident which making me almost lose my virtue.
but we did it. and the clouds is getting thinner this time. i'm waiting for myself to accept that i can't love someone because i'll break myself whole fully to shape it into their want. and that is not right. which was why my mother isolate herself when she's called 'not fun'--because she refuse to change for someone who doesn't respect colors. which was why my father jumps from here and there, holding his hands out and in, left and right, because he refused to be defined in only one category.
the wings of the airplane is swinging, and the surface is now can be seen of house roofs and lakes. the machine is roaring like how my heart aches for someone. but i'm aware that i'm not ready for anything, not even change this time.
i miss loving and being loved, but i need to fix that ambition because i'm not worthy enough.
so i'm still sitting as the airplane shakes rapidly through landing, because nothing shakes me than your confession those days.
