Allen Benjamin Newhouse

This is an independent OC RP blog. I am not Connor Jessup and I am not affiliated with Connor Jessup in any way. GIFs and images used are not mine unless otherwise stated.

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((I haven't touched this blog in a year. I would have come back but I fell into a deep spiraling depression and subsequently lost interest in this character. I'm surprised I still remember the login information for this blog since it's been so long. Sorry to have left so suddenly, I suppose. I don't know if I'm coming back to this blog, although I do miss Allen quiet a bit. He was from a time in which I felt good about writing and plotting. He was from a time in which I felt safe with my writing. He was from a time in which I was confident in my abilities as a writer. It'd be good to get back to him. Not sure if I'll do that, though. I'm not even sure why I'm updating this blog since it's been so long. Probably just doing it out of pure sentiment.))

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important-ish.

(Aaaaand back on hiatus because I did a Very Bad Thing. And that Very Bad Thing was breaking my hiatus before I was ready.

I need to get Allen's bio done. There's a large part of his past that needs to be written. I also need to get a stable hold on who he is; my ability to play him is, well, shaky at best at the moment. I've got him figured out for the most part, but. Y'know. I just don't know everything about him yet.

So yeah. Back on hiatus. I should be back soon.)

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[And he thinks she doesn’t know who he is. That’s just precious. Even without the remnants of telepathy and the like, it’s her business to know—if someone’s going to be stumbling over her doorstep, she’s got every right and more to know exactly who they are. Name, age, history, weaknesses to exploit, it’s all at her fingertips should she want it. Which…he might just be lucky he’s so inordinately dull, in that case. But go on, mouse. Try and play it cool. We’ll see how long you last.]

You’re stuttering. Did I scare you?

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[He'll try and play it cool until she breaks him. There's no way he'll drop his defenses on his own. The walls are up, and now there's not much chance of him lowering them. He can't. And so he takes a deep breath, forces a smile, and pretends everything's just fine. I'm alright. I'm fine. It's okay. She's just some weirdo you happened to cross paths with. Don't be scared. She's nothing to be afraid of. She's just intimidating. Why are you afraid, anyway? Yeah, there's nothing to be afraid of. There's-- shit she had better not take another fucking step I don't want her near me oh god I-- no. Calm. Calm. It's okay. She won't hurt you. She won't--]

I-- no. 'Course not. S'just-- s'just a thing I do. S'not on purpose, though. Just-- it happens. [Not a complete lie. He does stutter sometimes; for absolutely no reason, in fact. It's well beyond his control, even though he's careful when he speaks. He is scared, though. But he won't admit that.]

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[Mmm, clever boy. Knows when to fear the bitch. Of course, he doesn’t know that she can sense it, can practically taste it on him, doesn’t know the high…doll, your attempts to stay calm are pointless, I can tell. And it’s as such that her expression has become a good deal closer to predatory, flash of teeth and all.]

Ah-ah, mouse, that’s not how this works. You’re cute if I say you are.

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[He doesn't like the look she's giving him. Not at all. And he's starting to suspect that maybe talking to her wasn't such a good idea. But, hey, at least she didn't know his name. Without that, it's not as though she could ever find him again. Right? Right. ... Maybe. According to the many horror movies Allen's sat through, the crazy ones always have a way of finding you again. He figures it's only a matter of time before-- no, no. He's getting himself worked up. Breathe, boy. Just breathe. She hasn't done anything to you. Yet. Just calm down. Breathe. Play along. She won't hurt you if you just play along for God's sake.]

... A-alright. Yes ma'am.

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[Is that giggling you hear in the background? Probably. Slightly unearthly, distinctly childish-sounding giggling. Scared yet, mouse?] Mmm. Cute. There are no people like me.

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[If his facial expression is anything to go by, then yes-- yes, he's scared. The laughter startles him a little bit; makes him flinch for just a fraction of a second. But he still tries to keep his cool.]

... 'M not cute. [That's all he can manage to say. Because he's a little bit creeped out and he cannot think of any good comebacks. Funnily enough, he comes off as... well.. indignant.]

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… And which question would that be?

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You really are a moron. You’d best find some way to thank me for repeating myself—and I quote, ‘what do you want?’

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... No offense, ma'am, but you're kind of a bitch. I don't want anything. 'Cept maybe for you t'stop being a bitch. Which, come t'think of it, might be impossible for someone like you.

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[A deliberate, drawn out pause; a sigh, then a pointed gaze directed towards the floor.] ‘M talkin’ fast as I can. If y’don’t like it, ‘m sorry but I can’t really do much for you, ma’am.

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I don’t care for your false apologies, idiot. Answer the question.

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... And which question would that be?

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… Sorry t’disappoint you, ma’am, but— but ‘m not a kitten. ‘N y’certainly don’t look like my mother. 

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Details, details. I said talk fast, boy. What do you want?

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[A deliberate, drawn out pause; a sigh, then a pointed gaze directed towards the floor.] 'M talkin' fast as I can. If y'don't like it, 'm sorry but I can't really do much for you, ma'am.

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ooc; important-ish.

(I'm still on hiatus-ish. I'm just. I WANTED TO DO ONE THING. AND I WAS LOSING MY MUSE. SO I JUST HAD TO COME BACK AND DO A THING.)

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Hm.

Talk fast, kitten. Mummy’s busy.

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... Sorry t'disappoint you, ma'am, but-- but 'm not a kitten. 'N y'certainly don't look like my mother. 

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PSA. Again.

(I need to take another hiatus. I have one Hell of a cold, my sleep schedule is out of whack, I have adult matters to attend to that I've not yet gotten to (like opening a bank account, going to GED orientation, finding a job, etc.), and I haven't been eating right. I haven't been able to write properly in a very long time, and it just keeps getting harder because I'm getting overwhelmed with my RL obligations.

So I'm taking a hiatus! A short one! And during that hiatus I'll be working on the bio, relationships page, and RP tracker for this blog while trying to piece my own life together.

My life is a fucking mess. I suffer from depression, and most days, I can't even manage to get out of bed. I haven't done laundry or eaten a decent meal in God knows how long. I just left the house for something other than an appointment for the first time in a long time on Sunday. For God's sake, it's getting so bad I get nightly urges to swallow two full bottles of painkillers and a bottle of adderall (it's what I have stocked in my room). And stressing over RP is just making this all so much harder, so much worse.

Because RPing is my only consistent hobby. Writing is all I'm really good at. And when I start to struggle with something I'm supposed to be good at, it leaves me with thoughts of "why the fuck should I even bother; I fucking suck. I should just kill myself because obviously I'm not of any use to anyone." My thoughts snowball fairly quickly, which makes it hard to, well, exist.

So! I need a break! And during that break I'll be putting up a thread tracker and other things so I can keep track of who I'm RPing with and hopefully continue some threads!

Right now I'm just not mentally stable, and I really hope you all understand and don't hold it against me. I can't help that I'm depressed, but I can do something to make it easier to manage.

I do want to RP with you guys, though! I love RPing! And I love interacting with all of these different characters! I'm sorry if I seemed uninterested with any of you! That was not my intention at all! It's just been very hard for me to reply to things lately, and I'm so sorry!

I should be back in about a week! By then, I should have my head screwed on straight enough, and I should be over this nasty cold. I'm sorry, but it's for my own good!)

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PSA: NEVER MIND ABOUT CHANGING FACECLAIMS.

(OKAY SO PRETTY MUCH WHAT HAPPENED WAS THIS FC CHANGE TRIGGERED A SEVERE BOUT OF DYSPHORIA WITH ME SO NEVER MIND. FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH, I AM GOING TO STICK WITH THE CURRENT FC AND I'M GOING TO JUST KEEP LENA DUNHAM AS A BODY CLAIM. 

BECAUSE I GOT REALLY FUCKING DEPRESSED AND SHIT. AND WE DON'T WANT THAT. BECAUSE DEPRESSION = BLOG INACTIVITY. WE DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN.

SO.

YEAH.

THAT'S ALL.

NEVER MIND, GUYS. I TRIED.)

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PSA: CHANGING FACECLAIMS.

(ALRIGHT GUYS. HERE'S THE DEAL:

My character is FtM transgender! My character is eighteen years old! They have not yet started on testosterone treatment! I cannot use Connor Jessup as a faceclaim because he's, well, too masculine! I will switch back to Connor in about a year, because Allen is going to be starting testosterone very soon and from what I've seen, it only takes about a year for visible changes to manifest themselves.

See, the fact of the matter is that people are immediately seeing my character as, well, a man. There's nothing wrong with that, but in a real-world situation they would more likely see him as, well, a butch lesbian. Trust me; I speak from experience, here. You don't even know how many times people have asked me if I'm a lesbian. It's just-- it's a thing that happens. Because FtM people who are not on hormone treatment tend to stand out quite a bit. They look a bit boyish at first, and then they open their mouth and people are like "... okay their voice is um-- that's a girl, right?" WHICH IS ANNOYING AS HELL BUT. I MEAN. WHATEVER, MAN. Anyway, uh. It'd just be more realistic if he, y'know, looked like a girl for a while. Until after he's spent about 11-15  months on T.

SO. ON TO THE ACTUAL FACECLAIM.

THIS WAS HIS FACECLAIM (CONNOR JESSUP):

AND NOW THIS IS HIS FACECLAIM (LENA DUNHAM):

I hate to do this because this is sort of triggering my dysphoria, but it's something that has to be done. If you have any further questions, then please don't hesitate to ask me. If you want to reset your character's interactions with my character to allow for whatever changes his appearance might bring, please let me know.)

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(so I have this bio half-typed and I'm wearing three layers of clothing and I think my leg is falling asleep. I think I'll go ahead and tackle my drafts in a bit. After I take these layers off because oh my god I don't think I can feel my left leg anymore.

Lemme know if you wanna plot. I don't bite unless you ask me to.)

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(... wait. i have drafts.

drafts or bio.

drafts or bio.

drafts or bio.

... [CRAWLS INTO A HOLE AND NEVER COMES OUT.])

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weepnotforthelost replied to your post: (o~o; so i was going to rewrite allen’s bio last...

//I know that feel, I rewrote Sevo’s completely /twice/ and I might have to do it again. Once you start it gets real easy though, promise.

(nnhhhh I have to rewrite a lot of stuff. like. I'm putting in a huge thing about what his childhood was like now that I know that he's adopted and. Like. Just. nnnh. It's a pain in the ass, but I have to do it. u~u I'm just so lazy though...)

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(o~o; so i was going to rewrite allen's bio last night and i took it down and put it in word pad but i went to sleep because i was exhausted so now there's no bio and it's just a mess oh my god.

i just. i have to rework parts of his bio because it turns out he's adopted and. and, like. i. it's hard to rewrite an entire bio to-- oh my fucking god there's snow outside what the fuck it's february in tennessee weather get your shit together-- fit in such a life-altering detail. well. life-altering for him, at least. because of the circumstances under which he was adopted, and the fact that he was old enough to remember it. nnnh. 

it's just hard and i am complaining and it's fucking freezing here because tennessee doesn't understand what its own weather is supposed to be like. o~o i promise this is a serious blog)