Recounting My Demotion - Day 23
One of the toughest things that happened. The aftermath was harder.
Only in hindsight can I say it was one of the best thing that ever happened to me.
While I left the names out, if you know them, do not take this as complaining/bashing. At no point is this a bash or a complaint on anyone else's performance but mine and mine alone.
I was Director of Product and Development for Cut Media, LLC. I ran a team of 4 developers with 1 to 2 interns.
My job was to build the product and lead the team that was going to do it. This allowed me to become idea creator and idea implementor. This is a dream job for any wannabe product owner.
For a number of years, I always wanted a leadership position. When I finally got one, I had no clue what to do nor what was important.
Without either of those, I eventually became a "yes man", which is one of the worst things to become as a leader. It causes your team a lot of pain and the right things aren't tackled.
Also, I was leading a team where each member was and is significantly smarter than I am.
A "yes man" leader is someone who gets told something then instantly gets his team to try to do said task without questioning whether it's important, whether it's right or even how it will look as an end result.
I just went out and tried to implement. I couldn't effectively push back and the team just worked harder and harder.
Regardless, I was happy and at the time, the team was happy. We were all riding high on a deeply funded new company with lots of upside.
Food, drinks, and good times with promise of lots of money kept my eyes from the slowly brewing problem.
One of the things we were good at was making "show pieces" for upper management. This was a problem of my always saying "yes" to short term requests and never providing enough time to long term vision.
These "show pieces" were never full featured items, but we slapped them into production anyway. We would piecemeal it until it worked.
From the outside it all looked fantastic! But it was all a facade, and the structure couldn't hold itself up much longer.
My boss had a demo to the owners and board members. It was one particular feature that we were demoing.
Boss, during the demo, clicks a link.
Webpage displays: Sorry, something went wrong.
Everyone sits around, stunned wondering what my boss is trying to show?
I wasn't in the room, but I was connected via chat. The words to me were:
"Never had a demo fail this badly before."
"I've never been so embarrassed in front of management."
I felt it all. Letting a boss, a friend down at the worst levels. Knowing that his name is in question because of my inabilities to do a job right.
I asked what I can do. I asked if I should resign. I asked how I could fix this if that was at all possible.
Utter embarrassment and failure.
I was lucky. Others would have been fired for a mistake so large. But my boss liked me.
We talked, and I was to give up my position as director for development and only own product.
One of my directs was to take the position of Director of Development.
The deeper issue was I secretly harbored a jealousy towards him. He was and is significantly smarter at all levels. I knew too. I always knew it. He was also a better leader by multiple margins, but I didn't want to acknowledge.
Feelings of Weight and Frustration
So, for the next few months, I watched someone who used to be my direct, do my job and do it better than me.
I hadn't been fired. I took a pay cut and an even larger slash in options.
The worst part for me was the part where everyone I worked with knew what had happened and what was going on.
Each day was faced as a zombie in an empty seat. I was still Director of Product, but only in title. My presence was felt no where and I gave no input. I coded here and there, but at nothing really. I "developed product" for no one to build. I really have no clue what I was doing nor did I actually produce anything.
I could have changed things, but really, there was no longer a heart in it.
Over time my jealousy grew against him and others.
Why wasn't I as smart? Why didn't I make as much money? Why couldn't I do anything I wanted?
It's messed up because he is my friend. A close friend and my roommate. How can someone harbor such deep feelings of jealousy towards a great person?
And yet all I cared for was - it wasn't fair that I was so incapable.
That level of jealousy will grip anyone. I was incredibly secretive about it as well. I put on the friendly face, asked all the nice questions - how are you doing? how's the team?
I would get happy when I heard about setbacks and feel good when other problems started arising.
To not wish the best for others has become one of my instant disqualifications for leadership. The heart starts to harbor vindictive thoughts. Secretly you wished your enemy, your friend, anyone doing better than you, a quick crash to nothing simply because you don't have that.
After switching jobs in August of 2012, I began the long road to learn to love and wish good things for those who took my position up, who still ran on the old team.
I learned what was important in life? Shortly after the question became why be jealous? There's no point.
My desire to prove myself to others almost fell through the floor. I was humbled and realized that God didn't want me to chase such meaningless endeavors.
A year later, we recounted the old team over drinks and I decided to tell him about the feelings I used to harbor.
That was the final piece in my recovery, to be vulnerable to my friend, recognize his ability, and be okay with all of it.
Would I do it all over again? Haha, no. That experience sucked so hard.
Is it worth it? Yes, yes it was. The price I paid is nothing compared to what I've learned.
This idea of "don't prove yourself" is learned by many in much easier ways. For me, it took this situation - being demoted.
For some the lessons are more expensive than the thing learned (someone I know paid over $30M to not be greedy through the dot com crash and now has no money), but for me and this time, far from it.
My experience has taught me to become a significantly more effective leader.
Thanks everyone who has helped, taught, carried me up through now. I'm still learning and I've still got a lot to go. But, thank you thus far.
"The road is long." -Wing Yew
