ASTROBIO XENOCHEM

Aliens, fantasy, space stuff, and humans in comparison

[graceking]

I love these comics by Nathan W. Pyle.

[patrickdiomedes]

Here are some more good ones

[the-ali-express]

LET ME ABS O R B

[ultramarineblues]

@diseonfire here have some more

[erdsthenerds]

Perhaps I prefer fewer revolutions and more minerals is a mood

[vo-kopen]

@thefingerfuckingfemalefury there is more

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

THEY CRAVE THOSE MINERALS

Also the next time we watch a horror movie I am totally going to say to my gf “I hope these beings make correct strategic decisions…yet I know they will not”

[vigilantsycamore]

“Imagine pleasant nonsense” is actually good advice

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

It’s the BEST advice! :D

[shaaknaa]

So, a lot of people start with these by, seemingly, pulling something out of a hat and going with it. And that’s not necessarily bad, but it frequently bends my suspension of disbelief a bit too far. So let’s talk about what makes humans weird on earth.

1. We’re intelligent. But since we’re interacting with intellent aliens, this is unremarkable.

2. We can swing our arms in a full circle. This is weird. We are creepily flexible. On a related note, the ability to use monkey bars (brachiation) is super rare, a trait only apes have. It only appeared while we were climbing and became too large to rest on top of branches. We are likely the largest species that can climb (barring a world where everything is supersized).

3. We are *ridiculously* good with projectiles. Even our close relatives (apes) aren’t anywhere near as good as we are. The amount of training needed to use projectiles is significantly less. Watching a person juggle would blow their minds.

4. We are bipedal. That’s super weird. We may be among the tallest species because of that.

5. We can walk forever. I am not aware of any other species that “persistence” hunts. I.e. we follow a creature, slowly, until it collapses of exhaustion. We would probably be slower than other species, but go on for longer.

6. Opposable Thumbs. Clearly other species can use tools. Our thumbs are just about the best for detailed work. Tentacles have the best grips. Racoon like hands would probably be fairly common, but some may have to use their mouths which could be super slow for detailed work.

7. We are thin skinned. Our teeth are pathetic. So are our claws. Take advantage of this. It’s our biggest drawback. We look pathetic… And yet…

8. Our hair is like a peacocks tail. While having something so obviously different from everywhere else isn’t super rare, it is uncommon. And I doubt it would be the same for all of them. Also, it can get between tailbone and floor (or beyond) length. And we cut it off regularly instead of displaying it to attract a mate.

9. Sex is really weird. First of all, male genitalia is huge compared to their body size. This at least, they do treat like a peacocks tail. Our previously mentioned endurance and flexibly go directly into the bedroom. We have… Positions. And last more than a minute. Humans take a long ass time. We’re super loud. We’re always in heat, and menstruation? That’s weird.

There’s a lot more. I’ll probably add to it in the future.

[thehmn]

It fucks me up that almost all living things yawn. There are such huge difference between ants and parrots and goldfish and giraffes but for some reason they all yawn.

[thehmn]

I suppose my unintentional point is, if you make an alien species that doesn’t yawn, you are dead wrong

[amuseoffyre]

Or, if you are an undercover alien species on earth, if you forget to yawn like the earthlings as they imbibe increased volumes of oxygen, your cover is blown ;)

[gallusrostromegalus]

“Hey Goediun, did you finish- ah hell, not MORE earth wildlife.”

“This planet’s completely fucked up Clyod.”

“What the fuck are THOSE?” Guenoid demanded, peering over his co-worker’s mass to squint at the pojection.

“Third-most dominant carnivore on the planet.”

“Yeah but what’s the little thing next to it?”

“Same species.”

“You’re emusifying me.”

“Absoultely not.  This thing’s got the genetics from hell.  Apparently they just have hundreds if not thousands of copies of any gene they might need and can suffer drastic radiation, inbreeding or rapid enviornmental selection and come out mostly functional organisms.  Both of these are actually pretty far from the species average- here, this is a more common specimen.”

“Oh that’s not so bad-”

“Remember how the Humans are Pursuit predators?”

“Oh no.  Don’t tell me it can do that endless “Fun Run” Human-Steve did last year for the Beeblebrox Children’s Hospital?”

“It can!”  Goeduin writhed gleefully at his partner’s discomfort. “They can do continuous runs for hundreds of miles through the polar regions of the planet, and at tremendous speed!  Some of them have a sustainable gallop of over 50 miles per hour!”

“What’s that in civilized Units?”

“uuuuhhh… 210?”

“FUCK.” shouted Clyod, collapsing back into the sleeping tank, though he suspected that there would be no rest for him this cycle as images of the wretched earth creature pursuing him flashed through his ganglian network.

“They’ve got a bite strength that can snap through our building materials and even human bone!” Goeduin continued, vibrating with the kind of wild humor that belied genuine terror.  “Thier senses are even more accute than Human-Steve’s!  It’s got his entire hearing range and then up into our ‘hypersonic’ vocal range!”

“Great, it can tear me apart after hearing me talk smack. Terrific.”  Clyod sighed, dedicating himself to another round of nightmares.

“And it’s Chemosensitivity! They can track prey by the oils left from the prey’s footsteps for MILES!  they can even track scents through the air and underwater or buried in in six feet of ‘concrete’!”

“Good grief.  With compettion like that, it’s no wonder the humans are so barbaric.  Please tell me it’s stupid.”

“They’re comparable to juvenile humans in terms of reasonaing capacity and may be more socially intelligent than adult humans, living in communal groups that can have DOZENS of members.  Also they hunt in packs.”

“WHY??” Clyod begged “Why do you even subject yourself, and furthermore, why subject ME to this kind of knowledge?  I won’t be able to rechage and be all gross and floppy in the morning.”

“Human-Steve is getting one.”

“…Pardon?”

“Humans keep them as domestic companions.  Apparently they’re socially intelligent enough to get humans to raise and feed thier young for life.”

“and.  Human-Steve.  Is taking on one of these?  He’s not worried about it eating him?”

“He said it might nibble on his appendages while it’s teething but that the one his parents kept when he was an infant-”

“HIS PARENTS HAD A DANGEROUS CARNIVORE IN HIS HOME WHILE HE WAS AN INFANT?”

“He showed me many images of them playing and cuddling together.  They are quite fond of human children, and not just as snacks.”

“Please tell me he’s getting the little kind.”

“He’s getting a variety called a “Siberian Husky”.  He said it was very fluffy.”

[nyctosaurid]

if you don’t know the difference between a hare and a rabbit you’ve never gazed into the cold wild eyes of a hare and known that if it could speak it would speak backwards

[gallusrostromegalus]

Jack Rabbits are North American Hares and they’re the WORST to encounter at night becuase:

You all know how big a rabbit is.  Jack Rabbits and hares are much bigger. they’re the size of large cats or small dogs or just-walking-age children.

They also like to hang out in gangs of a hlf dozen to over 30.

and in the middle of backcountry dirt roads.

perhaps they’re dustbathing

or blood sacrifce

I don’t know because when you come up the road at night because your dog has a tiny bladder and needs to go out at midnight and you have no yard so you’re walking him on the dirt road around your neighborhod because you might aw well get some stargazing in, and you come just over the ridge to see a coven of twenty jackrabbits in the middle of the road

and

they

all

stand

up

not just onto all fours like a proper prey animal

No they get up on thier hind legs and don’t just sit but STAND like tiny rabbit-skinned toddlers, wobbing slightly as they stare directly at you eyes shining in your flashlight’s glow

…Blood Red.

And a chill goes through you on that warm july night because while they’re a puntable size and allegedly herbivores they’re standing and watching you just like people and you are vastly outnumbered.

everyone freezes

you’re considering your odds aganst roughly 200lbs of Suspiciously Humanoid Hare

and they’re considering their odds against you

the only sound in the never-ending high desert wind 

somewhere in your peripheral vision you can see the streetlights but they seem awfully far away

The nearest Jack Rabbit

Blinks

and takes a single shuffling step

forward

You area an overdevloped monkey and your prefrontal cortex is capable of some amazing feats but it runs very slowly compared to the reflexes of a rabbit and you’re frozen as you desperately scramble for the appropriate course of action, hands feeling thick and useless, mouth dry and feet imeasurably heavy there’s no way you’d outrun THESE, god there’s a rabies outbreak going around that shit’s not curable-

The Dog

L U N G E S

It’s only the briefest of movements but the animal you’d picked out for his gangly legs and floppy ears and goofy smile is suddenly a dark shape of muscle and teeth and had flung himself at the horrible goblin rabbits faster than mere physics should dictate, appearing in the circle of the flashlight for only the briefest of moments before the jolt from the leash makes you stumble and the light falters

The Jack Rabbits

Scatter

Vanishing into the faintly starlit sagebrush in as so many faint gray shapes that might be mistaken for the dustclouds they kick up

Later, you sit on the couch disquieted

and you wonder

If the sight of the Jack Rabbits standing and studying you was frightening enough to make you yearn for the safety of the yellowed streetlights

what must it be like from thier end?

what terrifying creature 

deliberately ties itself

to something so horrible

As a Dog?

[biomechanical-magitech]

@gallusrostromegalus that last bit gave me such a strong mental image I absolutely had to draw it

[gallusrostromegalus]

WELL HOLY SHIT.

CONGRATULATE, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GOING FOR.

is it ok if I print it out and stick it on the fridge?

[fuckyeahasexual]

Okay so I don't know why people say sex or love is what makes us human. Lots of organisms in nature have sex or mate for life. You know what makes us human? Cooking. Nothing else in nature cooks except humans. Checkmate aphobes. Sincerely, an ace cook.

….

…

is that true??

Holy shit!!

[singing-sorrowless]

Not only that, some anthropologists think that cooking is what MADE us human- as in the ability to consume large amounts of EASIER-to-digest calories (with all the pathogens killed off and the tough cell walls broken down) is the thing that allowed us to devote evolutionary energy to growing larger brains, and solidified the beginnings of communal human civilization. Have you seen how many hours a day pandas spend chewing on raw bamboo? Cooking let us take a shortcut so we could evolve in other ways. Especially bread, bc it’s a lot of caloric energy packed into a portable chunk you could take with you for days and days. Also in order to have bread you have to have grain farms, so bread (and beer, also made from grains) sort of catalyzed humans settling down into centralized permanent settlements. So cooking (and eventually farming) didn’t just help us physiologically evolve into our current form, but also shaped our social structures from the beginning. You should watch the Michael Pollan documentary “Cooked,” on Netflix! It’ll rock your world.

Source: “What makes us human? Cooking, new study says,” National Geographic

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

Consider. A human wakes up in a strange medical bay, with an alien doctor standing over them. Turns out their shuttle crashed, and the alien ship only just managed to teleport the, on board in time.

By some miracle, the doctor explains, they escaped with only minor injuries. Some burns, a few scratches and “several small wounds. We’re not sure what caused them.”

“Wounds?”

“Small holes in your ear lobes. Possibly they were old wounds and unrelated to the accident, but either way, our doctors were able to heal them for you. There’s not even any scarring.”

The human pauses. Thinks for a minute. “Wait… you unpierced my ears?!”

[seatrench]

(source)

[lovel1ght]

LGBT BRAZILIANS TAKE CARE WITH DATING APPS AND GRINDR, THEY WILL BE USED TO TARGET VICTIMS PLEASE SIGNAL BOOST

[edbangingrobot]

ALSO!!!!!!!!!!!!

In Whatsapp (the most used messaging app in Brazil), if you receive a contact from a “juridical support group for LGBT+ people who are being harassed” called “REAJA”, DO NOT INTERACT!!!!!!! Apparently, this is not a real support group but it’s a trap that are targeting LGBT+ people to physically harm them. They people behind “REAJA” have very malicious intentions.

Be careful and stay safe!!!!!!!

[showerthoughtsofficial]

If humans were kept as pets by another species, we wouldn’t be allowed to eat a lot of stuff we normally eat because it’s bad for our health.

[onion-souls]

Picture of a fat human on the alien masters’ internet with a comment helix consisting entirely of “ABSOLUTE UNIT” in bioluminescent glyphs

[iron-sulfur-world]

is color linked to wavelength or frequency?

most textbooks write them as if they’re both valid identifiers, and give paired wavelength/frequency values that correspond to the speed of light in a vacuum, but when that speed changes, the relationship isn’t the same. in anything other than vacuum, light slows down, and in doing so the wavelength and frequency change, right? so the standard wavelength-frequency-color identifications aren’t true once light slows down enough. 

in a case where light is traveling significantly slower than its maximum, is color identified by wavelength or frequency? like, 700nm is red at all speeds and all frequencies, OR 1.42MHz is red at all speeds and all wavelengths?

also, is this all specific to human vision, so like, are human cone cells specific to wavelength or frequency? or is it more involved than that with the specific energy of each photon to activate enzymes?

is all this even relevant with the speed of light in the material of the human eye?

[bdigfreakingwooper]

Well, Google is rather unhelpful here.

From what I know the reason our eyes pick up signals is because only photons with a certain energy can activate the receptors that send the signal. Photon energy is usually displayed as E = h*f = h*c/(wavelength). So the textbook isn’t particularly helpful for trying to figure out our question here.

Now, how you’d try to experimentally determine which is right is probably easier to solve.

Shine a colored light into water, measure its frequency/wavelength. (I would say a laser, but eye injuries and all.) You can get the speed of light in water from the index of refraction (speed = c/index of refraction), and then to make sure your question is answered see what color you see. Probably worth calculating what would the expected wavelength/frequency be for each color if the other remained constant as well.

But that still doesn’t cover the question of if the material of the human eye makes all of this irrelevant. Well, I guess we can’t skip the eye injuries if we want to mess with this.

For obvious reasons DO NOT ACTUALLY DO THIS. But I guess you could cut an eye open and replace the vitreous humor with another material - though that would throw your eyesight focus off, so you’d need glasses then.

[bdigfreakingwooper]

… And now after another google search to confirm some things I have found that while light’s speed and wavelength will change upon entering another medium, frequency will not.

I guess that’s an easier answer than cutting your eye open.

[iron-sulfur-world]

is color linked to wavelength or frequency?

most textbooks write them as if they’re both valid identifiers, and give paired wavelength/frequency values that correspond to the speed of light in a vacuum, but when that speed changes, the relationship isn’t the same. in anything other than vacuum, light slows down, and in doing so the wavelength and frequency change, right? so the standard wavelength-frequency-color identifications aren’t true once light slows down enough. 

in a case where light is traveling significantly slower than its maximum, is color identified by wavelength or frequency? like, 700nm is red at all speeds and all frequencies, OR 1.42MHz is red at all speeds and all wavelengths?

also, is this all specific to human vision, so like, are human cone cells specific to wavelength or frequency? or is it more involved than that with the specific energy of each photon to activate enzymes?

is all this even relevant with the speed of light in the material of the human eye?

[twilightmademegay]

In the Twilight universe, “vegetarian” vampires have golden eyes from drinking animal blood, a more ethical source than human blood, which would give them red eyes. It has also been established that a diet of human blood makes vampires physically stronger. So, if the Cullens wanted to become stronger without jeopardizing their morals, could they consume mosquitoes instead? How many mosquitoes would they have to eat to survive? Since mosquitoes drink from both humans and animals, what color would their eyes be? Orange? In this essay, I will

[gaydenali]

on average an adult has about 4.5-5.5 liters of blood circulating in their body. a female mosquito, when completely full, can hold up to 0.001-0.01 milliliters of blood in their abdomen depending on the species. if we take the average of both (5 liters & 0.0055 milliliters), it would take around 909,090 mosquitos to equal the amount of blood in a single human. although there isnt an exact number of the entirety of the mosquito population, we can use fermi estimation. there is about 57 million square miles of total land area on earth, while say 50 million square miles are habitable for mosquitos. with a rough of estimate of 1 mosquito per 50 square feet (overestimate due to area and time of year). after multiplying the numbers and fixing the units, there is a rough estimated 70 quadrillion mosquitos. theoretically, if a vampire lived in a mosquito dense area, such as brazil, indonesia, malaysia, thailand, etc, and could sustainably hunt around a million mosquitos to fill themselves every time they needed to feed, there would be enough mosquitos to survive on due to their large population and fast reproduction.

[twilightmademegay]

This is honestly everything I have ever wanted thank you for your contribution to the cause

[forlovefromfear]

Hey guys I think I figured out why vampires can turn into bats

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are weird “Tears for Everything”

Hey all. Didn’t think I would get this sort of response, but since I have. I have decided to do at least one of these “Humans are Weird or Humans are Space Orcs” every day. If you have any ideas you’d like to see me write, I’d be thankful for suggestions. 

Alien: *walks in to mess hall sees human sitting at a table crying*

Alien “Human, what is wrong. Why is your face leaking.”

*human looks up wiping eyes* 

Human: *Sorry, I’m just really upset. This is what happens when humans are upset, we cry….. There was a bombing back home, none of my family is answering.”

Alien: *walks back in later, human still crying*

Alien: “Oh no, human, are you ok? What is wrong?”

*human looks up wipes eyes again*

Human: “Oh sorry.” grins “my family just called back and they’re ok.”

Alien: *in confusion* “Why are you upset about that?”

Human: “Oh no, you misunderstand. Humans also cry when we’re happy or relieved 

Alien *rolls eyes but doesn’t question. Humans are weird after all 

Alien *returns later to see the humans in s big circle, all of them are crying so hard they are almost bent double. They have to be upset.*

Alien: “What’s wrong now?”

human: *regains breath and wipes tears from eyes, “Nothing, nothing, Jim just told a really funny joke. Laughed so hard I cried.”

Alien: *annoyed now. Walks away shaking his head*

Alien: *walks in to lab and is nearly hit by a metal trey flying towards the wall*

human: *screams in anger tears rolling down their face*

Alien: *tentatively peeks out from behind shelf* “are you alright, human?

Human: “NO I’M NOT ALRIGHT. I’M PISSED OFF!” *turns away wiping eyes*

Alien: *hurried from the room to scared to be annoyed*

human: *sneezes*

Alien: *turns around to find human’s face leaking again, exasperated* “What NOW? Why can you possibly be upset, happy, or angry NOW?”

Human: *looking confused* “I’m not any of those, my allergies are just really bad right now.”

Alien: *Sputtering in exasperation*

*out on a mission, the planet is freezing cold*

Alien: *looks at human*

Human *dribbling from the eyes and nose. this Cannot be laughter or allergies, they have to be upset*

Alien: “What’s wrong human?”

Human: *wipes nose* “Nothing, just cold.”

Alien: “You’re ****ing kidding me.”

*Human yawns. wipes eyes*

Alien “What now! What now. How can you possibly be doing this now. Are you hungry, horny or frustrated WHAT! WHAT IS THIS RIDDLE!”

*human: holds up hands wiping eyes* “nothing just tired is all”

Alien *screams in frustration*

Alien: *glares at human as human wipes their eyes*

Human: *Sees the look* “Sorry, eyes are burning. don’t know why”

Alien: *stands up* “Don’t know why. Don’t know why. Of course you don’t know why” *storms out. Opens human behavior log. scribbles our years of dedicated note taking. Writes In big bold letters*

WE KNOW NOTHING

[thededfa]

On the months my research team and I were allowed to live on Earth and observe their habitat I noted the following about human young:

- human young will turn anything into a weapon to mock battle their peers, broom sticks, straws, even their food

- when in large groups human young will display games of mock hunts against each other. The two most common being “tag” where one young will try to catch the other young acting as prey, and “mob” where all of the young will try to catch a single young who acts as the prey. This suggests an instinctive ability for both pack and solo hunting

- human young will often hone their stalking and hunting skills by hiding or attempting to sneak up on others and pouncing with loud sounds meant to intimidate and frighten. This is considered amusing for the attacker and victim  

- adult humans will often mock attack their young with their hands or objects to train the young to protect their vital areas and avoid injury. The young find this amusing and will quickly learn to train each other in this manner

- young humans will often attack and attach themselves to an older human’s legs, arms, or back, hanging on despite being dragged or carried while the adult human walks away. Both humans seems to find the experience entertaining 

- young humans are extremely territorial and will attempt to drive off others from food, toys, and areas they have claimed as theirs with physical and verbal attacks. Fortunately, most adult humans actively try to train this behavior out, insisting the young come to an agreement or share resources and territory. 

- young humans constantly search for new territory, dens, and resources. They will climb trees, shelving, anything they can reach. They will climb under and behind things. If there are no suitable hiding areas they will construct them out of blankets and cushions or any other available item. 

- young humans display a strong pack instinct, quickly forming social groups and defending their group against other groups. Often they will split their own group in order to mock battle each other in contests

- HUMAN YOUNG WILL BITE IF DISTRESSED OR ANGRY AND EMIT LOUD NOISES THAT CALL MATURE HUMANS TO AID THEM

- human young will beg for domesticated carnivores as companions, and if gifted with one will pack bond with it to an extreme point.

- human young will carry a toy and try to protect and nurture it as if the toy was their own young

- human young require constant stimulation in the form of games or information. They will constantly question things and can spend extraordinary amounts of time asking “why”, often while poking the subject in question

- human young will try to eat anything at least once. Anything. If it will fit into their mouth they will attempt to eat it. If it will not fit into their mouth they will lick it. 

-human young will voluntarily deprive themselves of oxygen to the point of unconsciousness in an attempt to trigger protective instincts in older humans so they get their way

- human young display great interest in mimicry, often dressing up as different professions, species, and objects. They also display great skill in mimicking the calls and body language of other species.        *Example: one human young had me quite concerned there was another Treawalbil in distress and I searched for quite some time before I discovered that the young was mimicking a Treawalbil distress trill with complete accuracy.       *Second Example: Human young have begun to wear wear “hats” with artificial crests similar to a Treawalbil and some have begun painting colorful patterns to their arms in imitation of our camouflage. 

- human young communicate constantly and spread information quickly not only among their own social group but other social groups as well.     *Example: The human young who mimicked a Treawalbil distress trill taught their social group and soon I was surrounded by human young calling out in distress. This caused the Treawalbil researchers much anxiety so the adult humans suggested teaching the young other calls. The human young learned enough for basic communication at an astonishing rate, but then other social groups we had not taught began using the same calls as well. Even adult humans began using the calls to communicate with us without translators. 

- Young humans will gift beings and creatures they believe to be in their social group with handmade objects, interesting specimens they have collected, or food. Strangely enough, a being does not have to be human in order to belong to a human’s social group. 

[ultrafacts]

For any writers: http://er.jsc.nasa.gov/seh/SFTerms.html

For more facts, follow Ultrafacts

[greatfulldedd]

.

[smashwolfen]

@space-australians Feels like this would kinda fit your blog, specially for writers who want to make up weird human space shenanigans involving a ship and alien crew and what not.  Maybe someone can write about how a person fixed a specific part in the dumbest way possible using the right words XD

[space-australians]

Guys, NASA is cool.

[teradoration]

Monsters that try to give you compliments, but just end up sounding weird:

“Your veins are the most beautiful shade of blue. I like all of them, even the ones I can’t see.”

“You are small and delicate, like a tiny rodent with no fur.”

“I love the globular shape of your skull.”

“The scent of you is powerful and strong in my nostrils.”