How to Find Small Moments of Joy in Dark Times
Sometimes the smallest moments of joy are the only ones that feel possible. Thatâs what Nora McInerny learned in 2014, when she lost her 35-year-old husband and her father to cancer and her second baby to miscarriageâall within the span of eight weeks.
Her husband, Aaron, was a ânaturally buoyant person,â says McInerny, whoâs the host of the podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking and author of the upcoming book Bad Vibes Only. âHe just had this otherworldly ability to find the fun and the joy in anything,â she says. âI learned from him the importance of staying as present as possible in the moment, even when the moment sucks. Even as he was literally dying, he could make me laugh.â (Among Aaronâs final words to his wife: âI will always be with you ⊠so you need to stop picking your nose.â)
It was a moment she remembers with levity, plucked out of an unbearable time. During these past few yearsâplagued by political strife, social unrest, and, well, an actual plagueâmany of us have struggled to even briefly escape morose moods. But experts say that incorporating just a little bit of joy into our lives can disproportionately enhance our well-being by reducing the risk of chronic illness, strengthening the immune system, and combating stress.
âI think joy feels sometimes like a really big emotionâlike crazy happiness,â McInerny says. âBut it can be a small point of light in the darkness. It doesnât have to be throwing the light on in the dark.â
Remind meâwhatâs joy again?
Joy is the state of feeling freedom, safety, and ease. Unlike some other positive emotions, like compassion and contentment, experiencing joy often depends on preparing for it, rather than spontaneously feeling it, says Philip C. Watkins, a professor of psychology at Eastern Washington University whoâs authored many of the leading research papers on joy.
One of the best ways to usher in joy is to strengthen bonds with friends and family. âThe most intense joy experiences are probably experienced in relationships,â he says. Filling your life with meaningful goals and purpose is also essential, Watkins notes, as is cultivating an open mindsetâand not just to the good stuff. âIf youâre open to joy, you have to be open to disappointment,â he says. âParadoxically, in terms of experiencing joy, there has to be a willingness to experience loss and sadness.â
If youâre not sure how to go about sparking joy, start with some self-reflection, advises Brie Scolaro, a licensed social worker and co-director of the New York City-based and LGBTQ-focused Aspire Psychotherapy. First, take an inventory of what joy means to you, and when you last experienced it. Ask yourself: Whatâs standing in your way of feeling joyful?
Then, think back on your favorite, happiest moments. Doing so will trigger some of that same joyful energy (just as reflecting on sad memories will make you feel upset). It will also give you a hint of how to achieve more joy in the future.
Next, âmake a plan to bridge the gap between what you know brings you joy and what youâre currently feeling,â Scolaro says. What actionable steps can you take today to increase your odds of experiencing joy?
Finally, make sure youâre present enough to soak in joy when it washes over you. âAre you listening to your friends speak? Are you tasting the beer that youâre drinking? You have to be able to register joy,â Scolaro says. âJoy is in the moment. Building the capacity to move back to the present momentâlike through meditationâis the best way I can think of to be present to joy.â
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