Dirk Cresswell

Dirk Cresswell || 17 || Hufflepuff

[mitchellbernford]

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is. I know Montrose has never had a captain lead us to three cup wins before Shane. Everyone was talking about all the team records he's smashed last season after the win. It's incredible." Mitch was never going to be that bloke. But the only other bloke in the league who could come close to being that bloke was Rosenov so Mitch didn't feel bad about not being that. It was just cool to play with that bloke and help him smash records. "We won last season. My first cup win. It was amazing! Last time Montrose got the cup it was back to back so we're all hoping to get another back to back this season. We're playing good quidditch too so hopefully," he told Dirk with a big grin. Probably the biggest one he'd worn since that day they won the cup. It had been an incredible moment. Way better then the season before after they'd been knocked out of the playoffs and there had been a weird tension in the locker room. Which hadn't been the first time he'd felt the tension, or the last. But that win was a high as was the start of this season watching a banner go up in the stadium declaring them the winners.

[istillspeakgoblin]

"Wow," Dirk said when Mitch told him no captain had won Montrose three cups before. It seemed Shane Hollander really had lived up to all the hype Dirk had been hearing about him. And Mitch was playing with him. Winning a cup with him, even. That was incredible. "Wow. That's incredible! I hope you win this year. I mean, for the obvious reasons, but I'm also kind of pissed I missed you winning a quidditch cup. I mean, my best mate wins a quidditch cup with Shane Hollander and I didn't even get to watch? That's so unfair!" There was so much that was unfair, but right now it felt kind of nice to be annoyed about something that had been good for Mitch. Even though Dirk really was pissed he'd missed seeing that. He should have been in the stands cheering Mitch on. Should have been there for his whole career. "....Can I come to a game?" He asked, a little hesitant. Everything felt weird and different now. But Dirk had missed Mitch's whole quidditch career. It felt like it'd be nice to at least come see him in a game now. It Mitch wanted him to.

[mitchellbernford]

"Truthfully it's never not been weird to me too. Sometimes it feels overnight. Sometimes I forget. Then I remember and it's...fucking insane," he confessed. Mitch nodded, not really surprised by Dirk's answer. "Alright. But if you ever do need it. Cause I mean it. It's just me so I'm good on gold. I mean even if things had gone the way they were supposed to with us I'd have been offering," he added with a sad tint to his smile. Because things did not go the way they were supposed to with Mitch making his name in the league and Dirk grinding to be a healer. Instead Mitch had gone it alone and Dirk hadn't had the chance to yet. It was hard not to be sad about that despite being happy Dirk was actually alive. He smiled when Dirk mentioned Shane. "I'm playing with him, can you believe it? He's my captain. Such a good bloke. Still fucking amazing on the pitch. We're mates...kind of...I dunno....friendly." He did hang out with Shane sometimes off pitch but he wasn't sure if he'd call them mates or not. Maybe. Certainly more than he'd been with a lot of his teammates he'd previously considered he was mates with. But the comedown of his social life post rehab made him uncertain about that sort of thing. "This is my third season with Montrose and it's still a pinch me moment that I'm actually playing on a line with him," he added with a laugh. When they'd been kids listening to matches he'd never dreamed he'd actually be playing with a bloke the whole league had been wild over since his rookie season. "I can't see him ever leaving Montrose. That is his team. The fans love him maybe even more now then when he was rookie cause he's gotten the team to three cups." Mitch felt pretty cool that one of those cups he'd gotten to help get. He was hoping they could make it a fourth this season.

[istillspeakgoblin]

Dirk let out a soft chuckle when Mitch said it felt weird to him to have a ton of gold too. It was kind of nice to know it still felt weird to Mitch; it would have felt even weirder if it was something that was just fully normal to Mitch now. But it was still weird. Dirk smiled softly when Mitch said he would have been offering to help even if things had worked out how they were supposed to. If things went how they were supposed to, Dirk wouldn't need Mitch's help. Or maybe he would have in the early years grinding through healer school. Either way, that opportunity was gone now. "Thanks," Dirk said, but he wasn't going to show up out of literally nowhere and start taking Mitch's gold. He'd just get a job. Somewhere. Hopefully. It was much nicer to hear about how Mitch was actually playing with Shane Hollander. They were friends. Sort of? Okay. But they were on a line together, that was wild. "Three cups?" Dirk asked, surprised and impressed? "No way! That's rad, that's gotta be a record or something right? Wait. Does that mean you've won a cup?"

[mitchellbernford]

Mitch did laugh at Dirk's question because smart and responsible felt like two things he was not. "About three-four years ago," he answered the question despite being certain Dirk wasn't looking for an answer. He just wanted Dirk to know it hadn't been a 'wow I'm a responsible adult' thing at a certain birthday or any of the stuff kids think becoming an adult looks like. Mitch had had to fuck up first. He smiled as Dirk continued to talk. "I mean you do happen to know someone who has pretty deep pockets now, not to brag. But seriously," he added his tone shifting from teasing to serious, "I can help. I'd be happy to." Not even just paying for therapy but he'd definitely gladly help with that. "I am yeah, I think. It's been a crazy seven years. But I'm playing with a top team. Montrose. My captain is insanely talented, like unreal. A good bloke too. I feel like I've finally found my footing play wise. Just locked into quidditch. It's intense but I get paid dumb money er gold to play a fucking game. Not gonna complain about that," he told Dirk with a smile.

[istillspeakgoblin]

Dirk was surprised when Mitch actually answered his question, enough that he found himself letting out a surprised chuckle. Three to four years of being a responsible adult seemed like kind of a lot to Dirk, though. It was a lot to wrap his head around. As was what Mitch said next. "Oh." Dirk blinked. That was right. Mitch was a rich quidditch player now, just like they'd always planned. It was clear from his flat he had a lot of gold. Which, "That's kind of weird. I mean--I know we always planned to end up rich." They were supposed to do it together. "But from where I'm sitting it basically happened overnight. Still, that's pretty cool." He added, giving Mitch a slight smile. "You don't need to help me with anything though," he added. That wasn't what Dirk wanted from Mitch. Though he still wasn't entirely sure what he did want, other than Mitch to turn seven years younger. It would be nice not to have to ask Leo to pay for therapy. Actually, there was no way Dirk was going to ask Leo to pay for therapy. It would just have to wait until Dirk got a job and could pay for it himself. It was weird, but nice, to hear that Mitch was happy now. His eyes widening when Mitch said which team he played for. "Montrose? No way. That's Shane Hollander's team!" Dirk frowned. "Or--it was. Is it still?" That would be wild if Mitch was playing with Shane Hollander, but so much had changed who knew who was playing for which quidditch teams. He'd talked a fair bit of quidditch with Bash but hadn't gotten into the league and it's players, because it all still made Dirk's head kind of hurt.

[mitchellbernford]

Mitch smiled sadly over at Dirk when he spoke. Maybe it was good Dirk didn't remember anything. Except he'd been black out drunk a few times and knew how terrifying that could be. He couldn't imagine how much worse Dirk might be feeling. "You don't have to apologize. I mean yeah, you were a jerk, but considering the circumstances I get it. And yeah we're here but Christ, I can't imagine how insane it's gotta be. It's pretty insane seeing you like this. But you...I think you have a right to be angry. I got a therapist, that's how I worked through it. Your death," he added with a humorless laugh. What a fucking joke that was now because Dirk wasn't dead. "I highly recommend it. It's hard and some sessions I left feeling worse then I had when I went in. But it's better than not dealing with it. Healthier. I mean I'm happy to listen too but someone whose job it is can actually help. Having someone listen only gets you so far. Haivng both might help more, I dunno. I didn't do that..." It felt dishonest to say he didn't have that. At the time it felt like he didn't but Ted probably would have. 'I fucked up a lot before I got there, to therapy, don't recommend that," he added honestly.

[istillspeakgoblin]

It felt kind of nice to hear Mitch agree about how insane everything felt. And that Dirk had a right to be angry about it all. Dirk didn't really think any of his other mates or Leo would tell him differently. But they were all being so nice and supportive Dirk didn't know how to tell him how angry and miserable he was. But Mitch hadn't exactly come out and been supportive off the bat. And maybe there was the fact that Mitch was the person Dirk would have had this conversation with if all his mates were still the way he remembered them. It hadn't felt right to spill all this to someone else. It was a surprise to hear Mitch had gone to therapy. Over Dirk's death. Which was still something that made Dirk squirm. He had sort of died, or something. Dirk sighed when Mitch finished talking. Therapy was probably a very good idea. It also sounded very not enjoyable. "When did you get all smart and responsible," Dirk grumbled. He didn't know how he was gonna tell Leo he wanted to go to therapy. That Leo would have to pay for. "Fuck, I need to get a job," he said with another sigh, before glancing back over at Mitch, who still looked jarringly different, but maybe a little less so than he had when Dirk first showed up. "I'm glad it helped you. Are you....I mean are you happier now? How's life as a quidditch pro?"

[mitchellbernford]

Mitch didn't blame Dirk for being angry at him, it had been a shitty thing to think. He'd known that even when he'd thought it. As Dirk started talking about what had happened, what he remembered, he frowned. Mitch's memory of that night was not as vivid as it once was but he did know he'd left Dirk in the common room. Something he'd finally learned to forgive himself for during his stint in rehab. Because according to them his partying hadn't just been to fit in like he'd figured. But him running from all the negative emotions from his mate dying. He hadn't been able to talk about it in detail there but it had ripped open an old wound so badly that he'd ended up seeing someone after rehab who he could tell everything to. It'd helped, he thought. Only now here he was talking to Dirk. Maybe he ought ot dig out that contact again... His frown deepened at Dumbledore dropping him off at Leo's flat like that. His lips quirked upward a little at Dirk saying he wanted to tell younger him how buffed he got. He'd always felt a little too scrawny. Even now he didn't feel as built as some of the blokes. "I wish that could happen too," he told Dirk truthfully. Not that the wanted to go back to school but it did feel like it would be easier.

"I'm sorry I thought you went into the forest willingly. But it wasn't any more rational then me being mad at life for continuing on without you. I knew you wouldn't go. The alternative though... Someone forcing you into it? Tricking you into it? That was terrifying. Because one of those jackarse Slytherins couldn't get in and you wouldn't have gone out for them. So if someone did something to you it had to be one of us. A hufflepuff. Which meant it could happen again to any one of us. I spent the rest of that year trying not to think about that. Instead I got angry. At you for going into the forest. At me for not staying up with you that night. At literally anything I could find a reason no matter how flimsy to be angry at. I don't expect you to forgive me or understand. Especially with the shit you're going through now. Even if it probably doesn't make sense I just wnat you to know I didn't think bad about you. It just ripped a hole in me when you died, because that's what they all said happened. I fucked up a lot but I was just doing the best I could with this huge hole. And I'm sorry that we didn't find you. Fuck, we tried so hard. Sneaking into the forest looking for anything. Yelling your name till our voices were shot. I'm sorry we gave up." Mitch sighed willing himself not to cry despite his eyes tearing up. Now that Dirk was here it felt like they'd given up too soon. Maybe they could have fuond him. Spared them all the seven years without him and Dirk the shock of being seven years too late.

[istillspeakgoblin]

It was kind of nice to hear Mitch say he wished that could happen to. If only that changed the fact they were stuck with the depressing reality that it couldn't happen. He glanced over at Mitch, appreciative and also a little guilty when the other apologized for thinking Dirk went in there on purpose. As Mitch kept talking, that little seed of guilt got a lot bigger. It had hurt to think that Mitch just forgot about him and ditched all their friends because he thought he was some hot shit quidditch player now. But Dirk didn't want to hear that Mitch had been angry for so long. That his absence had ripped a hole in his best friend. But of course it had. That's what would have happened to Dirk if Mitch had gone missing. Dirk sort of felt like a hole had been ripped in him anyways, because all of his friends were missing from his life in the way he remembered them and needed them. Tears pricked at his eyes. "You don't have to be sorry for that," Dirk said quietly. "I don't remember anything but I doubt I was anywhere you could find." It felt like he'd been sucked into a black hole and spit back out in the future. "And...I'm sorry too. I didn't want any of this to happen. It's so unfair. I’m mad your life moved on without me and I’m also mad that me being gone fucked things up for you. And I'm sorry for being a jerk earlier," he added. "I just....I think I know what you mean, about being mad at everything and feeling like there's a hole inside you. I know it's not the same, 'cause all my friends and Leo are still here, but you're also not still here. Not how I rememeber. And it fucking sucks. How did you stop being mad all the time?"

[istillspeakgoblin]

"What the fuck?" Dirk said weakly when Mitch said fuck him for thinking Mitch wanted nothing to do with him, his anger flaring up again. It sure felt like Mitch wanted nothing to do with him, seeing as he hadn't tried to talk to Dirk once and had apparently cut the rest of the blokes and Leo out of his life. He looked from the tissue box Mitch unceremoniously put in his lap over to the bloke who was now describing what happened as the forest puking him up seven years too late, which felt kind of harsh but also more accurate than anything else Dirk had heard so far. Or maybe it was just the way that Mitch wasn't being delicate about it the way it felt like everyone else was. Mitch had always been good for cutting through the bullshit and saying things how they were. Maybe not everything had changed. "I am pissed at you," Dirk said when Mitch stopped talking, though his voice lacked the same heat it had earlier. "But now you're making it harder to be pissed at you." Which was actually really annoying in this moment, because being pissed felt kind of good for a change. Dirk let out a frustrated huff of breath. "I hate this," he said again. "I hate that there's no one to be mad at about it. And I hate that you're not still friends with the blokes. Why aren't you still friends with the blokes?" He added, turning back on Mitch. Maybe there was something he could still be mad at Mitch for. That and, "And why didn't you come see me? You don't think I went into the forest on purpose, do you?" That last question was out before Dirk even realized it, before Dirk had even had a chance to process that it was something he'd been worried about. But it was. Because it would explain why Mitch hadn't come to see him. Maybe he'd fought with the other blokes about it and that was why they weren't mates anymore too.

[mitchellbernford]

Yeah maybe he shouldn't have said that but he stood by it because he wasn't gonna let someone say he didn't care about Dirk, not even Dirk. Mitch almost wanted to laugh when Dirk said he was making it harder to be pissed at him. He didn't laugh. Or interrupt. maybe he should have because Dirk was asking a lot of things he wasn't sure he wanted to answer. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I mean, maybe, I dunno. It was confusing. I was mad at everyone about it. Fucking Dumbledore and the school for having a forest that apparently ate kids behind a school without doing a damn thing to keep us safe. Myself for not hearing you get up. The blokes for I dunno, not being you I guess. Magic for being so fucked up. And yeah, you too. I was so mad that you just left us. That you didn't wake me up. But I never thought you wanted whatever happened to you to happen," he told Dirk. Which was maybe not the same as 'no I don't think you went there on purpose.' But Mitch could never figure out why Dirk had gone there or if he even had. What he had known was Dirk wouldn't have done it knowing he'd never live through it.

Mitch sighed again. "I didn't come see you because I was afraid you wouldn't want to see me." Because of the blokes which Dirk also wanted an answer to. Apparently the blokes hadn't told him anything which was sort of surprising given Ted had seemed pretty pissed at him. "Things got complicated with the blokes. It wasn't one thing and it had seemed mutual to me but apparently they are all pissed off at me so guess not mutual." Mitch sighed yet again. "Shit's fucked I know but selfishly it's good to see you."

[istillspeakgoblin]

Dirk winced when Mitch said he’d thought maybe Dirk went into the forest on purpose. Maybe it was fair that Mitch had been scared and angry and confused. But it stung to hear that even if he didn’t think Dirk wanted to disappear—which obviously he didn’t—he still thought Dirk might have done that on purpose. Without even telling Mitch or Leo what he was up to. It didn’t help to hear that wasn’t why Mitch hadn’t come to see him. Dirk didn’t know why Mitch would think Dirk didn’t want to see him. Or how he could have not known the blokes were mad at them and thought the end of their friendship was mutual. But Dirk was still stuck on Mitch thinking he’d blown up his whole life on purpose.

“How could you think I went into the forest on purpose! I don’t even break curfew!” Dirk replied angrily. “And the forest is fucking terrifying, of course I didn’t just decide to go in there in the middle of the night! I didn’t even—“ Dirk frowned. He hated thinking about this, but he hated even more that Mitch thought he’d chosen any part of it. For what? “I mean, I know I came out of the forest so I must have gone in, I guess, but I don’t remember going in. And I don’t know why I would have ever gone in, especially without telling you or Leo. I wouldn’t do that. I dunno what happened to me. But I think whatever it was, or at least part of it, happened before I ever left the common room. ‘Cause I don’t even remember leaving the common room. I was just up late studying, and you and the blokes and Leo had all gone to bed, and I dozed off over my books, and then I woke up in the forest which was terrifying, but I found my way out and went back to the castle and it was empty, which was even more terrifying. Then eventually Dumbledore showed up and made me drink veritaserum and then took me to Leo’s flat and told me I was in the future, and I keep waiting to wake up and tell you—the real you, not this grown up version who doesn’t talk to the blokes—all about it and we’ll have a good laugh, and I can tell you how buff you got which you’ll be all excited about, only that still hasn’t happened yet.” Dirk could feel himself getting more worked up again as he spoke, but it all still felt like some horrifying neverending nightmare. Except for the parts with Bash. But maybe he’d still be there too, maybe he was just a sixth year or someone Dirk hadn’t met yet and they could still be friends after Dirk woke up.

[mitchellbernford]

Fuck. This definitely felt like a Ted area. Mitch went from being a dumb farm boy to a dumb jock. This was beyond what he knew what to do with. "First of all fuck you for thinking I got over it or I want nothing to do with you." Which was definitely not something he should tell the kid sitting on his sofa crying despite no heat in his voice, except also he'd been Mitch's best mate so fuck him for saying that. He pulled some tissues out of a drawer in his side table and put the box in Dirk's lap. "I'm sorry that the forest puked you up or whatever seven fucking years too late. I an't know how much that sucks. I do know how much seven fucking years without you sucks. How pissed I was about it. You being fucking pissed makes sense to me. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you were hoping to find. Be angry, yell at me, hell keep crying whatever you need, mate. Just don't fucking say I didn't miss you." Letting Dirk rage it out was probably not how Ted would deal with it but Mitch wasn't Ted. He also kind of thought it might help. Holding onto all of that wasn't going to do Dirk any good.

[istillspeakgoblin]

"What the fuck?" Dirk said weakly when Mitch said fuck him for thinking Mitch wanted nothing to do with him, his anger flaring up again. It sure felt like Mitch wanted nothing to do with him, seeing as he hadn't tried to talk to Dirk once and had apparently cut the rest of the blokes and Leo out of his life. He looked from the tissue box Mitch unceremoniously put in his lap over to the bloke who was now describing what happened as the forest puking him up seven years too late, which felt kind of harsh but also more accurate than anything else Dirk had heard so far. Or maybe it was just the way that Mitch wasn't being delicate about it the way it felt like everyone else was. Mitch had always been good for cutting through the bullshit and saying things how they were. Maybe not everything had changed. "I am pissed at you," Dirk said when Mitch stopped talking, though his voice lacked the same heat it had earlier. "But now you're making it harder to be pissed at you." Which was actually really annoying in this moment, because being pissed felt kind of good for a change. Dirk let out a frustrated huff of breath. "I hate this," he said again. "I hate that there's no one to be mad at about it. And I hate that you're not still friends with the blokes. Why aren't you still friends with the blokes?" He added, turning back on Mitch. Maybe there was something he could still be mad at Mitch for. That and, "And why didn't you come see me? You don't think I went into the forest on purpose, do you?" That last question was out before Dirk even realized it, before Dirk had even had a chance to process that it was something he'd been worried about. But it was. Because it would explain why Mitch hadn't come to see him. Maybe he'd fought with the other blokes about it and that was why they weren't mates anymore too.

[mitchellbernford]

Mitch was surprised when Dirk got upset at him. He had a little trouble keeping up when Dirk went from being upset that he'd said okay to being upset about him not coming to see him. Or owl him. That didn't seem to be all Dirk was upset about. "Hold the fuck on," Mitch said annoyed but doing his best to keep his anger in check. "What other choice did I have? Walk into the forest and hope whatever the fuck got you got me too? Whatever happened to you was shitty and it was shitty for all of us! You weren't here for all the times I missed my best mate so you don't get to come back seven fucking years later and act like I just shrugged my shoulders and went on instead of fucking missing you. I wasn't supposed to have to do all this by my fucking self." Mitch's voice broke. "Fuck," he mumbled to himself and took a deep breath so he could continue talking without being angry or hurt.

"I'm sorry I didn't owl. In truth, I didn't think about owling. It's still fucking weird to tie a piece of paper to a damn bird and hope it shows up in the right place," he huffed. Mitch might have been fully in the magicla world his entire adulthood sans the 45 days in rehab but that didn't mean he still didn't find some magical things weird as shit. "I know I didn't come by and I should have, I'm sorry. But that doesn't mean I didn't care you're back. I do. Also I don't know what the fuck you wanted me to say when you said you were gonna leave. What am I gonna do, lock the door, block you? So I'm not apologizing for that because what the fuck, Dirk? Christ. If you came to yell at me, fine go ahead. But don't dare act like I didn't miss you."

[istillspeakgoblin]

Dirk flinched when Mitch asked if he should have followed Dirk into the woods. As if Dirk wanted that. As if Dirk had a choice in going to the woods in the first place. Was that what Mitch thought? Was that why he hadn't come to see Dirk, because he was mad at him for going into the woods? It sure sounded like Mitch was mad at him for disappearing. Which was wildly unfair, and hurtful and--maybe kind of a relief, in a weird, fucked up way. Dirk hadn't done anything wrong, at least not that he could remember. But it also felt like maybe he deserved for everyone to be mad at him. Or maybe he was just tired of feeling like the only one who was angry about his entire life blowing up, when for everyone else his randomly showing up now was a good thing. So he did something he normally didn't do--but what even was normal for him anymore?--and leaned into that anger.

"Okay, fine, you missed me, glad to know you got over it." He shot back, ignoring the part about him leaving because it was kind of beyond the point, even though really he'd just have liked it if Mitch had asked him to stay, like he'd even wanted to see Dirk at all. But clearly he didn't. "You know what, I don't even blame you for not wanting anything to do with me. It's better than everyone acting all happy that I'm here, as if it's a good thing when my whole life is just--gone, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do now, because I had a plan--we had a plan--and now Leo is an adult with a flat and he had to buy me a bed and clothes and Ted's married and had to find me a tutor that Leo has to apparate me to every day and Jacob has a kid and Kingsley--well Kingsley is mostly the same but he's still a grown up, and you won't even talk to me or the blokes for some reason that the blokes won't talk about. Maybe you're right to just stay away from it all, 'cause everything's a bloody mess and everyone wants me to be happy to be back from wherever the fuck I was but I'm not happy. I hate this, only I can't tell anyone I hate this because they're all trying so hard and I don't want them to feel bad, but I do, I hate it, and the only time I feel normal is when I'm--" Dirk cut himself off before he blurted out that Bash Fletcher was the only person who made him feel normal and like his life wasn't a disaster. He wasn't really sure why he cut himself off. Except he should have cut himself off a lot sooner. At some point his voice had gotten louder, and his eyes had welled with tears that had started falling, and now he was just standing there feeling very raw and very small. Only standing suddenly felt too hard, and despite the fact he'd been about to leave, Dirk sank back down onto Mitch's couch. "I just wanted one thing that was still how I remember it," he said in a small voice, then he put his face in his hands and started crying. He hadn't realized he'd been holding onto hope that maybe Mitch was still how he remembered, the last person left who could have been even though he'd been the least likely given how little the other blokes had talked about him. But Dirk had stupidly hoped maybe his best mate was still his best mate.

[mitchellbernford]

This was weird but Mitch couldn't help smiling because it was real. Dirk was really alive. He looked like he'd just walked into the forest instead of seven years ago. It was insane. But Mitch had learned a long time ago that magic made a lot of insane things happen. Mitch had no idea what to say to Dirk though. What did you say to your best mate who'd disappeared for seven years? Especially when that best mate wasn't smiling at you. His own smile faded before Dirk even spoke again. "What?" Mitch was confused. A bad idea? So what the blokes had told him everything and he'd come over here to see for himself? Apparently he'd decided that Mitch did look like a dick. Fuck. His shoulders dropped. It almost felt like it would have been nicer of Dirk to just not answer the door when Mitch finally got the nerve to come over. "Okay," he replied sounding hurt and confused.

[istillspeakgoblin]

Mitch looking upset and confused only confused Dirk even more. If Mitch was upset that he was leaving, then why hadn't he tried to come see Dirk? Or even just sent him an owl? And then he was just saying okay when Dirk said he was leaving? Rationally, Dirk knew it was unfair for him to be upset by that. He was the one who'd stood up and said he should go. Mitch was just letting him. Only he didn't want Mitch to let him go, just like he didn't want to have to be the one to come knock on Mitch's door because Mitch was too busy with--what? Being a rich, famous quidditch player? It felt like just a few weeks ago they'd been daydreaming about a day when they'd be rich together, a healer and a quidditcher, with fancy flats next door to each other. It wasn't Mitch's fault he'd gotten there without Dirk. It wasn't Mitch's fault he'd moved on with his life. But moving on to the point of not even caring about Dirk being back felt so far from the best mate Dirk remembered.

"Okay?" He repeated back, unable to hide his distress. "For real? That's it? Why didn't you come see me after Ted said I was back? Or owl me?" Dirk had never been a confrontational bloke, though he'd also done his best to try to talk things out when it needed to happen. And Mitch had always been the person he talked to the most openly, especially about the things he was worried and stressed about, because Mitch had always understood that kind of thing more than the other blokes. But Mitch hadn't been around since Dirk had woken up with his life blown apart. And the Mitch he was seeing today was just letting him walk away. Maybe that was why the blurted question came out before Dirk could stop it, and once he started he couldn't seem to stop more words from flooding out. "You're my best mate. And I get that I'm not yours anymore, 'cause you've clearly moved on with your life, but I just--I dunno. I thought you'd care that I was back."

[mitchellbernford]

Mitch had been floored when Ted had told him Dirk was alive. Alive and apparently still seventeen. It was insane. But good. Because Dirk was alive. He hadn't been eaten by some freaky magical thing in the spooky forest. Or just swallowed up whole by that spooky forest. No, he was alive. He'd appeared like something out of a shitty muggle film. Insane. Mitch wanted to see him. It was Dirk. He was alive! But he was also hesitant about it. Granted he hadn't flaked on Dirk like he had the others. They'd probably told Dirk that. Maybe even told him about he embarrassing shit that had been all over the tabloids about Mitch. That had been years, rehab, two teams, and an ex ago but he didn't want to re-live all of that embarrassment from his second year. Dirk might not even want to see him after all of that and wouldn't htat be a bludger to the nuts to show up and Dirk not even open the door. Considering he was in the middle of a season it was pretty easy to put off anything.

Tonight he was enjoying a quiet night in, which was his norm now. The knock was a surprise because Shane and Hayden weren't usually a just drop in sort of blokes. Mitch suspected Hayds was more because he'd been mates with Shane so long but whatever the reason Mitch appreciated it. So he wasn't sure who to expect when he opened the door. "Christ on a cracker!" It was Dirk! Without thinking about it Mitch pulled him into a hug. "Ted said but wow, it really is you," he said as he went for the hug. Dirk was alive. He was alive and here. There was something actually comforting seeing Dirk like this instead of some bloke they might not recognize who'd aged along with them. "Sorry," he mumbled as he stepped out from the hug. "Come in." Mitch moved out of the way so Dirk could actually come in. "The living room is just through there," he pointed ahead of them despite it being obvious where his living room was. Mitch gestured to the sofa before sitting himself. "Shit, you want anything," he asked forgetting how to act when he had company because it was Dirk and Mitch had not expected that.

[istillspeakgoblin]

Dirk only had a moment to take in the sight of his familiar-but-not-familiar, seven-years-older best mate. That moment was enough for him to decide Mitch had changed the most from how Dirk remembered. He was huge, for starters. But he also looked somehow more polished, from his haircut to his clothes that Dirk could somehow tell were expensive even though it was just what he was wearing at home in the evening. It was also still clearly Mitch, though, which just made it more weird. And then he was saying the same exclamation Dirk had hear a seventeen-year-old Mitch say what felt like a few weeks ago, but that was jarring coming from this bloke in front of him, and he was pulling Dirk into a hug without hesitation. Dirk stilled in surprise, then gingerly hugged Mitch back. “It’s really me,” Dirk said in a quiet voice. He frowned when Mitch apologized after the hug, but wordlessly followed Mitch inside. If Dirk had thought the building was fancy, Mitch's apartment was even more so. It was easily the nicest building Dirk had ever been in. Probably the best decorated too. Only none of it was anything like he'd ever have imagined Mitch choosing. But Dirk also wouldn't have imagined Mitch losing touch with the blokes, and Leo. Or not coming to see Dirk even after Ted told him Dirk was back. As Dirk followed Mitch into his fancy living room, he was struck by the now-familiar feeling that he didn't belong. Only he felt it even more acutely here. Except Mitch was maybe being the most normal of all his mates, not staring at him or crying or anything. Just hugging him and inviting him inside. It all left Dirk feeling mixed up and unsure how to feel as he sat down on Mitch's sofa.

"Uh...that's okay," he managed to answer when Mitch asked if he wanted anything. Maybe this had been a bad idea. Mitch clearly wasn't Mitch, the 17 year old best mate that Dirk remembered. Of course he wasn't. He apparently didn't talk to the blokes anymore and he hadn't come to see Dirk and he was some fancy muscley guy in a fancy apartment. Suddenly Dirk could feel his heart beating faster, that tightness creeping into his chest that Leo had identified as a panic attack, because those were a thing that happened to him now. Dirk bit the inside of his cheek hard and took a deep breath the way Leo and Ted had showed him. "Um. You know what?" He said, his voice more strained than he would have liked. "I think maybe this was a bad idea. I should--I mean you're busy, clearly." Mitch did not seem all that busy right now, but apparently he was too busy to see Dirk. Because he'd clearly moved on with his life, just like everyone else had. Except Dirk. Because he'd been in some black hole or something. He stood up. "I should just go."

[fenwickb]

Benjy listened to what Dirk said about his mates at Hogwarts and wondered if he'd maybe gotten it wrong. "I might be wrong," he admitted sheepishly. "In truth I was the only one who dated in our dorm room so I wasn't close to anyone dating girls. It just looked easier." Benjy didn't say none of them were interested in girls because he was not going to speak for Drew or Bertie even though they were clearly not. "I am also going by the assumption that most of our classmates are straight and I have no proof of that. Maybe dating in general is really just hard. But for me the hard part was always trying to figure out if a guy was interested, actually flirting, or if he wasn't." It had worked out really good for him the one time he took a chance with a bloke at school. Bash had been into it. That was the only time he'd gotten up the nerve to try at school. And he was glad he didn't have to do it again. As far as reasons why dating Timmy was great, not having to worry about if a bloke liked him or not was not in the top. But it was still on the list.

[istillspeakgoblin]

"Oh." Dirk hadn't considered that figuring out if a bloke fancied him or was flirting would be any harder than figuring out if a girl was doing it. "I don't think I've ever been able to tell if someone was interested. Not that I was really paying attention to that with girls. But I guess that's all the more reason to take some time figuring everything out. I think dating still isn't really a priority," he admitted, the closest he'd come to acknowledging his whole waking up in the future the same age thing to these blokes since telling Drew and Timmy about everything Bash's mates asked him. Dating wasn't a priority when Dirk's whole life was a mess. "But it's nice to know its something I might actually be interested in at some point, now I know blokes are an option." He wondered whether Bash knew blokes were an option, and if he might be more interested in dating if he knew....but that didn't matter, for a lot of reasons. "I've gotta say, I figured I'd learn some things hanging out with Ravenclaws, but this is not the kind of thing I thought I was gonna learn," he remarked with a laugh.

[fenwickb]

Benjy beamed when Timmy said he loved holding Benjy's hand too before giving it a little kiss. Timmy had always been a great mate, the best bloke Benjy knew. But he hadn't expected Timmy to also be romantic. Not every bloke was. It felt great having his energy matched, sometimes even exceeded. Benjy hadn't been lying when he said it felt like he was lving his own romance plot. He knew he'd never get tired of holding Timmy's hand, kissing Timmy, cuddling with him, and all the other sweet details about their relationship. He laughed when Dirk called them a little mushy. "That's better then what Drew calls us. But we don't care. We're going to live our adult lives how we want." Benjy didn't take offense at being called mushy, or even Drew's comments. He was mushy, he maybe did kiss his boyfriend too much, etc. But he also wouldn't be sorry for any of it. "And you're welcome. I'm glad we could help you out. I'd definitely say figure things out before you do try to find a boyfriend, but sometimes having one helps with the figuring out." Benjy gave another soft laugh at his own contradictions. "Even though you said you weren't planning on it I feel like I should warn you, gay dating seems a little harder then straight dating." It definitely seemed that blokes into birds had a much easier time getting a date. But who knew, maybe Dirk and Bertie would hit it off. That'd be fun. Benjy wasn't exactly sure what would happen to the criminal currently breaking into their flat on the regular but maybe he'd be decent about it.

[istillspeakgoblin]

Dirk was glad when Benjy and Timmy laughed at his teasing about them being mushy. He grinned when Benjy said they were going to live their adults lives how they wanted. It was a nice sentiment. If only Dirk knew what the heck he wanted to do with his own life. Frankly, this new realization that dating blokes was an option that he was maybe interested in was just another curveball in all his plans and expectations that had blown up overnight, or at least overnight to Dirk. Though this one felt less like it was blowing up his life, and more like an added complication he maybe would have encountered anyways. It definitely seemed complicated though, especially with Benjy saying not to look for a boyfriend until he figured things out but also that a boyfriend might help him figure things out. And then there was his addition about gay dating being harder. Dirk's brows furrowed. "Is it? I hadn't really given much thought to straight dating, but it always sounded sort of stressful to my mates who wanted to ask girls to Hogsmeade. Why is it harder for gay blokes?"

[fenwickb]

Benjy squeeze Timmy's hand back when the other talked about his dad. But he frowned a little when Dirk asked about people's attitudes. "Maybe a little. Certainly a lot of the same people who have problems with muggleborns have issues with gays from what I've seen. I was told that it wasn't taught in sex ed because the board wanted to keep the traditional curriculum." He made a face that showed what he thought of traditional. "It's not illegal here like I've heard it is for muggles. But some people care about family lines and conception way more then love and sexual attraction even. Usually arseholes," he added bluntly. Which Timmy's dad was. "So those people will give you a look or maybe even say something depending on how big of an arsehole they are. But most people don't seem to notice. Maybe if we were snogging in the middle of the shop or something," he added with a slight laugh. "I've dated a couple of blokes from other schools and some were open about it and others were very careful about what we did in public. So I guess it's maybe the same other places too. And there's no wrong way to be. I love holding my boyfriend's hand," here he squeezed Timmy's hand again. "But if Timmy wasn't comfortable doing that out then I'd just hold it here."

[istillspeakgoblin]

Benny’s expression at Dirk’s question wasn’t very reassuring, but it wasn’t a surprise to hear that people who were jerks about muggleborns were also jerks about gay people. Or that the school board wanted things traditional. Dirk pulled his own face at that. But he listened as Benjy explained that while some people were jerks about it, it wasn’t something he had to hide if he didn’t want to. That was reassuring at least. Dirk wasn’t sure what he wanted to do with all that, but at least he had options. Assuming he ever had a boyfriend to do things in public with. Which, dating hadn’t exactly been something he was concerned with. But that had been when he thought girls were the only option… Only it wasn’t like Kingsley was an option. And Bash…. Dirk didn’t even know if Bash liked blokes. He definitely liked girls. But even if he did like blokes, that didn’t mean he liked Dirk. And even if he did like Dirk, he was Dirk’s best friend his own age. Only Timmy and Benjy had been best mates and that worked out great for them… Not what Dirk needed to be thinking about. He smiled at Benjy and Timmy as Timmy replied, “I love holding my boyfriend’s hand too,” and lifted their hands to press a kiss to the back of Benjy’s. They were sweet together. And Dirk was not thinking about holding Bash’s hand. “You blokes are cute,” he said with a grin. “A little mushy, but cute. Thanks for talking through all this stuff with me. I’m not planning to rush out and find a boyfriend, but it’s nice to know where things stand. And to know I can talk to you blokes."

[fenwickb]

Benjy wondered if whatever Dirk had realized had something to do with his disappearance/reappearance. Like the bloke he fancied was now and adult and moved on. Or maybe just added another thing to his sort of complicated life. Maybe this wouldn't be that complicated though. Benjy smiled, turning a little to smile at Timmy, when Dirk asked about them. Timmy was his favorite subject to talk about so he didn't mind. "I feel so dumb," Benjy added with a laugh. "I had no idea he was gay. I thought I was the only gay bloke in our dorm room." It was funny to think about now. He had only been the one who was interested in dating. "And with Timmy being not only my best mate but, I thought, straight, I did my best not to fancy him. Which turns out I was very unsuccessful at," he added with another laugh. "I've always been into romance novels and romantic films. Never had any clue I was practically living the plot of one." Because that's what it felt like their very own friends to lovers plot.

[istillspeakgoblin]

Dirk smiled at the way Benjy looked at Timmy when the latter started to share about their relationship, and the way Timmy was smiling back at Benjy when Benjy spoke up. Though it was replaced with a look of surprise when Benjy said he thought he was the only gay bloke in their dorm room. And that he'd tried to not fancy Timmy because he was his mate. Which was hitting a little too close to some uncomfortable thoughts Dirk was trying not to linger on right now. But he smiled and laughed when Benjy compared his life to a romance novel. "That does sound like a romance novel," Dirk agreed, turning to Timmy curiously. "Did you also not know liking blokes was an option?" Dirk realized maybe he shouldn't have asked that when Timmy's face fell a little and he seemed to squeeze Benjy's hand a little tighter. "No, um. I knew I liked blokes. I had a massive crush on Benjy for ages. I just...my dad is kind of awful, and there were a lot of expectations about what I was supposed to do and not do, and dating a bloke was not part of his master plan for my life. And I stupidly tried to follow that master plan for way too long. Benjy helped me break out of all that. And as soon as I did I couldn't hide my feelings any longer." Timmy let out a soft chuckle at that, and Dirk gave him a smile as he shared a look with Benjy that was a bit of a marvel to see between two blokes. "Wow. I'm glad it all worked out for you two," Dirk said, instead of commenting on Timmy's apparently terrible father. He didn't want to bring the tone down, but he couldn't help asking, "...Is there a reason Hogwarts doesn't teach about same sex couples? Is it one of those things like being muggleborn that some people think is bad?" Dirk was used to people thinking things that were normal and out of his control were bad, especially now that he wasn't just a muggleborn but a muggleborn who disappeared and then reappeared exactly the same. But he'd like to know, at least, if this was going to be something else that some people might be jerks about.

[fenwickb]

Benjy listened as Dirk talked about what he was feeling. He hadn't expected to help someone out of the closet today but it felt nice. "Yeah, we get it," he replied when Dirk finished. It could be a lot. "If those thoughts would have seemed less weird if you were thinking of a girl instead of a bloke chances are they aren't weird at all." He wouldn't say definitely because some people were into weird things. "Not being interested in girls doesn't necessarily mean you're into blokes. Some people just aren't and some people like both. Not me," he added. "I'm like you, never had any interest in girls at all. I did like blokes though." Benjy gave a sheepish chuckle because he had been a little boy crazy. Had he known his best mate was interested Benjy was sure he wouldn't have been. "But you're right, it is a lot. It's okay to take time to process it. There's no one way to figure this stuff out or timeline to follow."

[istillspeakgoblin]

Dirk smiled when Benjy said he understood, his smile a little sheepish when Benjy pointed out that the thoughts Dirk thought were weird probably weren't actually weird at all. "Good point," he said with a sheepish chuckle. That made a lot of sense, actually. None of the thoughts he was thinking of would have been weird about a girl. About a girl he fancied. Which... Realizing he might be into blokes was not nearly as unsettling as the realization that he was almost definitely into two very specific blokes. Or one bloke, and another bloke who didn't exist anymore. Only Kingsley existed, obviously. He was just an adult now, and thinking about fancying an adult was weird. Dirk didn't think he fancied adult Kingsley either. But he definitely fancied teenager Kingsley, who had been a huge part of Dirk's life until about a month ago. And was kind of the same person as adult Kingsley. Only not. And thinking about all this was starting to make his head hurt. He grimaced and brought a hand to his temple. "Thanks. It's less the fancying blokes part that a lot, and more realizing..." Dirk trailed off and shook his head a little. He did not wanna talk about fancying Kingsley with these blokes who were being very cool about him being a weird zombie bloke, and he also didn't want to talk about fancying Bash with these blokes who knew Bash. "Yeah, it's just a lot," he said instead. "But thanks. And--sorry again, I didn't mean to stare or make you blokes feel weird or anything. It's really cool that you're dating each other. Er--how long have you been together?" Dirk watched as Timmy looked over at Benjy and smiled. "Not nearly long enough. Just about [idk like a month? the timeline is fuzzy lol]. I took way too long to get up the courage to tell Benjy I liked him."

[fenwickb]

Benjy had been pretty sure that Dirk was heading towards a realization that either he was into blokes or that his previously known interest in blokes was okay and normal. He hadn't expected verbal confirmation quite so quickly. Especially as it sounded like Dirk was still working it out. He smiled at Timmy when the other spoke up, giving Timmy's knee another little squeeze. His boyfriend was amazing. Always had been but he was getting more and more so as he continued to grow free of the huge shadow his dad had been in his life. "You sure are," he agreed turning his smile to Dirk now. "Ultimately it's something you have to figure out for yourself. That said we're happy to help any way we can. It's a lot easier to figured it out when you've got people who are supportive and you can talk to." Benjy felt lucky there, he'd always had a great group of mates. "And like Timmy said you don't have to have it all figured out right away. It's not a requirement to be mates with us," he added with a light laugh. Not that he thought Dirk was trying to fit in but he was trying to help Dirk feel like this was a safe spot to talk about however he felt. Benjy didn't know what the deal was with the blokes Dirk had roomed, and presumably been mates with. But they'd all be a lot older and maybe this would be easier talked about with blokes his own age, who also were into blokes.

[istillspeakgoblin]

There was a lot going rough Dirk’s mind at the moment, but he grinned back at Timmy and Benjy when they said he was in good company. It sure felt like he was, just like sharing that he was pretty sure he might be into blokes felt like the right choice. It was nice to know he wasn’t alone in this. Not that he couldn’t have talked to Mitch or Ted or Jacob…or Kingsley about being into blokes. Or Leo. But it was just different with them now. Dirk wasn’t sure he wanted to talk to a bunch of adults about liking blokes, even if those adults were his friends and would be supportive. It was nice to have blokes his own age who also liked blokes. Of course, there was also Bash. Who had left the door open for Dirk to talk to him about dating stuff. But Dirk wasn’t sure he wanted to talk to Bash about how he was pretty sure he was into blokes because snogging hadn’t sounded remotely interesting until he’d thought for a second that Bash was offering to snog him. But maybe he could just talk to Bash about it more generally. Dirk wondered if Bash even knew blokes was an option. Dirk chuckled at Benny’s addition. “Glad to hear it. ‘Cause I’ve definitely got some stuff to figure out,” he admitted with a soft laugh. Then he paused, considering for a moment. “At least, I think I’ve got some stuff to figure out. To be honest, I’m not sure how much of it is figuring out versus just processing that I’m into blokes. I’m pretty sure I’m into blokes. It’s just, I was never interested in talking about girls or wanting to snog or date them. A few of my mates were, but it wasn’t something we talked about all that much. And then I had another mate who also wasn’t interested at all in that stuff, so I just never really thought about it that much? But then I’ve sort of also had some….thoughts that I thought were sort of weird but now I think just means I’m into blokes.” It wasn’t even just his thought about snogging Bash. Or Kingsley. It was those times he’d been sitting near Kingsley and briefly thought about reaching out to touch his hand or his arm, or how he’d had similar thoughts about Bash, or how he’d caught himself staring at both of them a little too long, and in this moment Dirk wasn’t sure which crush realization was more disconcerting. “It’s just a lot to wrap my head around.”

[fenwickb]

Benjy tried to give Timmy a reassuring smile, squeezing his knee again, as they waited for Dirk's reaction. Hopefully Timmy knew he wouldn't let anyone disrespect his boyfriend and their relationship in their own flat, or anywhere else. Benjy had never tossed someone out before but he was fully prepared to make Dirk leave if need be. Except it didn't seem to be needed. Thank Merlin! It wasn't a big surprise to know that Dirk hadn't realized blokes could date each other. Things in the Wizard world weren't like muggles there were still plenty of people who had similar attitudes to muggles about it. Before Benjy spoke up about that Dirk started talking again. The really cool had him wondering but his softer addition had him pretty positive that maybe Dirk was more then just surprised by the news. "Hogwarts is still not including same sex couples in their sex ed so it's no surprise you weren't aware it was a thing," Benjy told him. He'd had a lot to say about that class since they'd attended and it was all bad. "But it is very much an option. In fact I'm positive we're not the only two blokes you know who are into blokes. It's a lot more common then people realize," he added hoping not to out anyone. Drew didn't talk about how he identified and he had no idea what Bash was saying. All he knew was Bash had been very into snogging him. There was sure to be one or two other blokes Dirk knew who were into blokes in one way or another too. It felt like a safe thing to say without outing anyone.

[istillspeakgoblin]

"Oh," Dirk said faintly when Benjy explained that Hogwarts was apparently just omitting the fact that dating the same gender was an option in their sex eds classes. They hadn't covered that in his sex ed classes at the orphanage either. But apparently it was an option. Very much an option, according to Benjy. Which was....something. Something common. Apparently so common that Benjy was certain Dirk knew more blokes who were into blokes. Dirk wondered if Benjy would be so confident if he realized just how few people Dirk actually knew currently. Unless he meant blokes Dirk did actually know. Dirk's heartbeat picked up weirdly as the thought that Benjy might be talking about Bash occurred to him. Then he thought again about Bash's offer the other day, and how it had almost sounded like....but Benjy hadn't said Bash. Was Dirk being weird? He was probably being weird. Plus, if Benjy did mean Bash....how did he know??? Had Bash snogged Benjy or Timmy? Or maybe Benjy just meant Drew. Or he was just talking statistically. Benjy had just said he was a numbers bloke, so he would probably know. This was a lot to process, and Dirk was staring dumbly at the other two blokes again, though at least Timmy's nervous look had shifted to an encouraging smile at Dirk. "That's....wow," was all Dirk could think to say, followed by, "I think maybe.....I might be into blokes?" Surely that was okay to say, after all Benjy and Timmy were both into blokes and dating each other. And...well. Dirk wasn't entirely sure yet. All he knew was that the idea of snogging or dating a girl had never appealed to him, but ever since the idea of snogging Bash popped into his head....suddenly Dirk was finding himself curious. Which hadn't made sense at all, until right now. Because liking blokes was an option. "Well if you are, you're in good company," Timmy replied with a smile, his hand moving to rest on top of Benjy's hand on his knee. "And it's okay if you're not sure yet. It can be a lot to figure out when its not something we hear very much about."