Have Heart

| 30 | Australia | Gemini |

[isweartobreathe]

am i hot now?

[fuckyeahhbandgifs-blog]

Of Mice & Men - Bones Exposed [x]

[isweartobreathe]

Our power suddenly went out and it highkey feels like my fault for leaving the oven on for a few hours (I had it on to cook for a bit then left it on as I knew I was going to need it again, I just waited a little longer than I intended to before coming back to it) and now I feel so fucking shitty and guilty for it that I want to relapse and throw myself down the stairs in the hope it will kill me

[persianmom-deactivated20260602]

people telling chatgpt their problems is insane to me like girl just get a tumblr….

[alwaysfob]

sugar, we’re goin down - fall out boy

[isweartobreathe]

So tired of continually falling into a random pit of depression out of fucking nowhere

[isweartobreathe]

The face of a girl who's just turned 30 but never thought she'd make it this far so is now just winging life and hoping for not death (but 18 year old her is still waiting for death to embrace her)

[isweartobreathe]

I am literally a week away from turning 30 and I suddenly feel like an absolute failure at life

It's not even anything in particular, but I am sensing an odd tone from my boyfriend so my mind is telling me he hates me and wants to break up with me, I've been invited to an AFL game next Sunday and I can't go with my boyfriend as he has his daughter that day and we both know she'd fucking hate it, so I asked my best friend but she won't be able to make it, I am now waiting on my final other friend to see if she's even going in the first place before I ask my boss for an extra invite so her fiance can come too, but if either she's not going or I can't get the extra invite then I literally have no one else I can ask to come, which goes to show how few friends I actually have.

I feel like I am on a constant knife's edge at work, especially on days my boss decides to come into the office because I fear he's just going to tear our work ethics to shreds again, plus I just generally feel like I do everything at work wrong.

Like am I genuinely failing at life or is this just my depression/BPD brain at work telling me I'm a failure and should be dead already?

[isweartobreathe]

He's literally been home ALL DAY, until he had to leave to go meet up with his friend for drinks (lord knows when that was) and I come home to:

An unwashed container lid

Some random suit-type pants left on the bed

His pyjamas on the bed

The bed not made

The bath floor mat still on the bathroom floor

His sleep pillow on my side of the bed

The toilet lid still up

Like, they're all little things but it builds up and I get to the last thing and go "OH FOR FUCKS SAKE YOU RETARDED IMBECILE WHY CAN'T YOU PUT ANYTHING AWAY!?!" and have to swallow my frustration because he doesn't even SEE any of those things as nuisances

[isweartobreathe]

Don't mind me I'm just answering questions directed at other people and pointing out my boss' dumb mistakes because he's a little retarded these days

[isweartobreathe]

He has a daughter who is approaching her teenage years and therefore going through puberty, she hasn't learned to keep A N Y T H I N G clean somehow, so when there is a heap of hair left on the bathroom counter, somehow I'm to blame because she "doesn't do her hair in the bathroom" except I am ALWAYS trying to throw my loose strands in the bin. Sure I may miss one or two, but I don't leave a fucking CLUMP of hair on the counter.

[isweartobreathe]

I shouldn't have to ASK if we've received an electricity bill, you should just fucking tell me

[isweartobreathe]

I think the worst part about my 20min rant of my day isn't even that he spaced out, it's that he didn't even have the wherewithal to wordless react to a single thing I said

And I get the whole "being a guy" and "men and women talk about things differently", but your massive vent yesterday about how shitty you felt going on for what felt like 10+ minutes and my massive vent about how I basically felt like all my work the last 4 months has gone unnoticed by boss (for a couple of big reasons but the main being he was hospitalised for like 10 weeks total) and a comment to that effect made me feel completely insulted, and yet when you're going in about the general public harassing you and your team (totally fair, I am not belittling it at all) but my one main comment making me, a rather vulnerable young woman, feel completely and utterly insulted and disrespected doesn't seem to quite compare for you just exacerbates my feelings.

You're lucky I was 2 and a half drinks deep already and still feeling worthless and was able to silently fight back tears while you had a better day compared to yesterday (when I still didn't say anything about my day or how I was feeling) just further my thoughts on worthlessness.

But it's fine, I'll keep all my future thoughts and feelings on my days super concise and short, to the point where it's no more than 3 sentences, total.

I mean forget the fact that all I wanted was to rant, the fact you didn't even REACT to a single thing I said just made me feel like nothing I said hit home for you, hence why I had to keep repeating myself.

Sure I could probably TALK to him about this, but I don't want to start up an argument. I'd rather just keep my resentments to myself and pretend like I'm just fine.

I do it on a daily fucking basis anyway.

[isweartobreathe]

My work bag has a lunch compartment in it a and when I left for work today apparently I didn't close it properly because as I was running to catch an earlier bus lunch went flying out of my bag and smashed on the ground.

Instead of catching an earlier bus I had to spend time picking up the glass I could see and mourning my lunch.

I will now be getting uber eats instead I guess

[girl-effigy]

do you think it feels good for wolves to go awoo i think it feels good

[coffiero]

doomed // bring me the horizon

[g-cedillo]