Homesick.
Need a tattoo and to throw myself down a set of steps. Is it bad I had thoughts of walking into the woods and getting really intoxicated and freezing🍍⚰️🍍

gracie abrams
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YOU ARE THE REASON
Keni

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EXPECTATIONS
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if i look back, i am lost
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@its-all-perceptual
Homesick.
Need a tattoo and to throw myself down a set of steps. Is it bad I had thoughts of walking into the woods and getting really intoxicated and freezing🍍⚰️🍍
I went to three places to try and get a massage and they where all booked. I miss having my back stepped on once a week. It's funny how little stuff like that means a lot to me. October does weird stuff to my psyche, it's summers exit and winters entrance, I want to shed my skin with the changing of the leaves.
Not that it needs to be repeated but I think about you and hope everything is going well.
All of Aaron's people have complimented on how much cleaner and well kept the place is since I moved in. Take a lot of pride in that, cause he hasn't done shit in 8 months.
How many more nights can I goto sleep like this? When will my perception change? I really only have one persuit that completely engrosses me, and it's shocking how much it means to me and how uncertain all thoughts around it are.
Filling my tool box with what I'll need, forever, regardless of the destination. Sometimes I write Words inside my only permanent possession like "soon" and "home"
In a couple weeks it'll be a year since The worst breakdown in living memory, but breakdowns create breakthroughs and I can honestly say I've put my best foot forward in as many aspects of my life as I could manage. Still fine lines between who I am now and who I want to be, and that's the idea isn't it? Never being satisfied so you'r always working towards betterment? I just wish I could enjoy the ride more, things like fun and happiness aren't permanent and the harder you hold, the quicker things leave, mindfulness and being present are still issues, when your hardly ever complacent in the moment.
Let's play a game and see which one will crack first!? Mind or Body?
Started a 2nd job last week. 13 hour days aren't that bad, keeps my mind from tearing itself apart. Managing to run about 4 miles after work three nights a week. Started the cats on wet food also, they freak out for it.
1 month without drinking! *gives self a little medal* XXXHARDCORE-STRAIGHTEDGEXXX. Don't really plan on starting again. Not socializing has really made it easy.
97% in my class, next week is MidTerm. Doing better than I was this time last year and I guess that's enough for now.
Haven't had a drink in two weeks! Going in to winter I need to do as much as I can to stay positive and productive. Started a new job last week, it's super physical and I actually "work" so yea physical gains at work and after. My schedule isn't shitty anymore and I have my afternoons to read and do hw, plus I get weekends off, not that I have anywhere to go or anyone to hangout with, isolated by choice.
Plagued by nightmares
Anywhere from 1-3 bad dreams a night, usually they are short and I wake up with a sense of dread.
Last night I dreamt I was at some sort of benefit-concert fund raiser where I was part of the group putting the event on, Rudy was there with a group of LA kids, chaos insued. At first things where comical and light, but progressively things spiraled downward, the cats where there and somehow they got away from me. Frantically running around this event packed with strangers, listening to even stranger performances searching for two of the most important creatures in my life, exhausting. As soon as I found one and got them back to my vehicle the other one would dart away and I'd chase after him in a panic. Finally I apprehended I think it was Wonton and a group of old ladies with plastic forks fastened to the end of sticks started prodding at me and trying to get the cat. It wasn't one of the darker setting for the dreams I usually have, but it definitely was ultra personal.
I cant write.
Year ago today
Was the last full day we spent together. Today and tomorrow got me in my feeling, way more than usual.
Through broken sobs
bays at full moons
Longing for seasons come and gone to soon
Having an impossible time with September. Feel so needy. Everything is still so vivid
Most literature I've ever read in a single summer, 6 tombs! It's great how the season finale coincides with the work load in life being increased significantly, quickest 9 weeks of the year. Poof. love some of my podcast. Pod-save America Lovett or leave it Christopher Titus podcast No sleep podcast (horror stories) Stuff you should know Serial killers My affinity for learning and consuming quality media has increased so much. Been putting my cardio on the back burner for the last two weeks. Finally trying to build these chicken wings into something stronger. Quality gains. Started drinking milk and doing a lot more cooking.
99 red drifloons
I spent the first 13 years of my life in Virginia. I still remember a lot of the bigotry. Field trips to the nations capital and the statues of figures that in no way deserved to me memorialized and glorified. Take all of those statues and put them in a museum. The last 220ish days are like a bad dream, it's sort of unbelievable. I've said my fair share of hateful things in my life. In no way have I ever acted on them or treated anyone differently. Still the thought of the ignorance of my youth pushes me to be a better person, in speech, ideology, and action.
The difference a year can make. I feel so different. Behave so differently. Bigger pictures.
Today was really traumatic and reading that has me in tears. You're incredible and I need so much more work until I even scratch the surface of equal. One in 7._ billion
Completely hopeless. Wrapped up in a fantasy Nothing is clear Except for what I want/need
Deep Longings of the Signs
Aries: Wishes others will stop underestimating them. People tend to look as aries as immature, hotheaded, like a child. An aries would much rather be seen as who they really are; intelligent, driven, and mature. When their emotions take over, they get put down for it and it hurts them.
Taurus: Wishes to be heard. Tauruses are only stubborn because they feel like their point is not being understood by others. they want someone to listen to what they have to say instead of telling them that they are wrong.
Gemini: They want to have control of themselves. Geminis often feel out of control and run away from problems by distracting themselves. They want the twins to agree with one another, but its difficult when the positive and the negative are constantly in battle.
Cancer: They want to stop worrying. Constantly being paranoid and feeling that theyre wrong in some way destroys them. They feel that someone is against them at all times, even when they know that theres nothing to worry about
Leo: They want to love themselves. they long for the day they look in the mirror and are proud of what they see. They never have a problem with loving others, but deep down, they feel that they dont have enough love for themselves.
Virgo: They long for someone to silence their head. Virgos never stop thinking, analytically and the logic makes them feel overwhelmed. They want someone to allow them to give their heart a chance
Libra: They want someone to reassure them. They need to know if theyre making the right decision. Although they are well balanced, this causes a conflict within them and it makes them full of anxiety
Scorpio: They long for a partner who will understand that they don't mean to hurt anyone. They love so passionately that it can be seen as aggressive and controlling, but that's not their intention.
Sagittarius: They long for true love. Although are known to be hard to tie down, they are deep lovers and see spiritual depth within relationships. They search for their soulmate but often overlooks them by accident.
Capricorn: They wish they can form deeper bonds with others. They may feel heartless and unemotional, when they are actually sensitive. They're afraid of getting hurt
Aquarius: They wish for someone to see right through them. Aquariuses are known to be mysterious, but they wish that someone would understand.
Pisces: They crave love and affection. They want to be nurtured and loved as deeply as they love others. Pisces often feel that the love they give is not mutual, they just want to be accepted for who they are.