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I'M TIRED!

I looked at the sky and I can see beauty. I wanted to cry. It's like God is reminding me that endings can be beautiful too and that endings are reminder that there's always a new beginning.

This past few days, weeks, months or years maybe, I feel so down. But i've become so vulnerable with my emotions for the past weeks. I've been trying to be strong my entire life to the point that I'm trying to lift other people not knowing I'm getting all the negativities.

Something came up last week, ako yung tipong takbuha, sabihan ng problema or ng weakness ng iba. I don't know what happened to be last week, bigla akong pumitik and nafeel ko na I disappoint a lot of people. I wanted to be wanted and to be liked by other people, i needed, i badly needed a validation by others. Dun ko siguro nafifeel yung existence ko as a person.

So nung pumitik ako once, i can see on their faces how disappointed they were because of my reaction or attitude. At eto na nga, dito na ako mastart mastress, I feel like I cannot be bad. I feel like wala akong karapatang maging mahina. I feel like dapat ako yung laging nagaadjust. Kasi pag hindi ka nagadjust, hindi ikaw si Dhaj. Hindi na ako magugustuhan ng tao sa paligid ko. Dapat ganito ako. Dapat ganyan.

Di ko na alam. I wanna scream. I want to cry. I want to feel the physical pain. I want rest. I want to be loved. I want to be liked. I want to be accepted. I want to live.

This hit me hard with double blade. Hahaha

I'm questioning myself if I'm single by choice or dahil maarte lang ako? Haha gustong gusto kong magkajowa pero napapaisip ako ngayon na baka kaya wala kong jowa is because I am closing doors to the people who likes or liked me.

Feeling ko kaya ako single and kaya ako nasasaktan everytime is because I choose the people who I like than the people who like me.

Nung tinanong mo ko bakit kita gusto. Sabi ko, nakikita ko na ang sarap mong alagaan. You open your life, your past to me. Mas ginusto kong buuin ka. Ginusto kong makita yung totoong ngiti sa labi mo. Yung saya. Pero ngayon, nasa iba ka na. Mas pinili mo siya, nasasaktan ako, oo. Pero isa pa din yung hiling ko. Sana mapasaya ka niya. Sana maibalik niya yung saya mo, yung saya ng mata mo. Sana alagaan ka niya, kasi iyon yung gusto kong gawin na hindi ko na magagawa. Sana maging masaya ka palagi. Sana sumaya ka kahit di ako yung kasama mo.

Mahal kita. Mahal na mahal. Hindi mo siguro narinig to sakin, kasi takot akong bitawan yung salita. Pero mahal kita. Sobra, kahit ang sakit sakit na.

Binalikan ko yung convos natin, mapapakanta ka nalang ng

"Parang kay bilis ng iyong pagalis. Teka lang, Teka lang, Teka lang muna"

Anong nangyari? Bakit ang bilis? Bakit hindi ko namalayan? Para saan yung mga ganitong usapan?

Sobrang bigat sa loob ko. Ano yung pagkukulang ko? Mali ba akong pumayag sa unlaballed relationship? Mali bang inisip ko na sundin yung gusto mo? Dapat ba nagdemand ako? Mali bang naging mapagbigay ako?

Ang dami kong tanong. Bakit? Bakit hindi ako? Sabi mo sakin, hindi ka pa handa. Inintindi kita, kahit nahihirapan ako, pilit kong inintindi. Tuwing nararamdaman ko na yung pakiramdam ng pagbitiw tska mo sasabihin sakin na "ayaw mo na sakin" pucha, lalambot nanaman ako. Eto nanaman ako sa "willing to wait"

Tapos malaman laman ko, after a while. Days after nating hindi magusap, in a relationship ka na.

Ang sakit. Pota. Takot na akong magmahal. Tumahimik yung puso ko ng matagal na panahon. Natakot ako sa commitment, then ayan, dumating ka out of nowhere. Nagulo ako. Ginusto kita, naniwala ako na baka pwede. Alam mo yung takot ko. Alam mo yung pinagdaanan ko. Akala ko hindi mo na gagawin, yun pala, uulitin mo din.

Hindi ko na alam kung kaya ko pa ulit magtiwala sa susunod. Nasasaktan ako. Pero mahal kita

Dear Self,

I miss you. I miss your Smile. I miss your genuine laugh. I know you're hurting right now, so please take all the time that you need to heal. You'll be happy again soon on your most unexpected time and situation. Please don't get tired. You can do it just like the old times.

Love,

Self 🖤

youaremywoorld

How can I unlove you?

One of the hardest thing to do I guess, for now. Everything that happened is so unexpected. Akala ko kasi okay lang tayo e. Akala ko kasi nagbago na yung iniisip mo tungkol sakin/satin. Akala ko handa ka na ulit buksan yung sarili at papasukin ako, pero mali, handa ka na. Pero hindi ako yung gusto mong iwelcome.

Ang sakit sakit ng puso ko. After a long time ngayon lang ata ako umiyak at nasaktan ng ganito. Nababaliw na ata ako sa nararamdaman ko.

Takot kang masaktan. Takot kang magtiwala. Inintindi ko yun. Initindi ko yun at hinintay ko hanggang sa magtiwala ka kasi alam kong takot kang masaktan.

Hindi ka buo nung nakilala kita. Malungkot ka. Kaya kita nagustuhan. Sabi nga sa movie, "I like broken things", maybe hindi mo alam na broken ka. Pero binuo kita, sinubukan kitang ibalik sa reality. Pero hindi ko alam na magiging reason pala yun para mawala ka sakin.

Alam mong takot na akong masaktan. Pero bakit mo ginawa.

Ang daming pumapasok sa isip ko ngayon. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm sad.

Nakakapagod din palang magisa. Nakakapagod din palang magpasaya. Nakakapagod mapagod. Kelan ba dadating yung panahong magiging masaya ako. Yung totoo, yung hindi ako papasayahin tapos iiwanan lang. Kailan ba mangyayari yung ako naman yung mapapasaya, hindi puro nalang ako yung nagpapasaya. Napapagod akong maging clown araw araw. Napapagod akong ngumiti at tumawa. Kasi hindi naman totoo yung iba. Napapagod ako na maiwan tuwing may bagong taong dumarating pero hindi naman pala magtatagal. Napapagod akong maghabol sa mga taong wala naman akong balak habulin. Napapagod akong lumingon sa mga taong umalis para lang makita kung babalik ba sila. Napapagod akong maging pampalipas oras habang hindi pa dumarating yung taong magpapasaya sa kanila. At mas lalo akong napapagod sa mga kaibigang kaya kang ipagpalit para sa mga taong bagong dating sa buhay nila.

Nakakapagod. Nakakalungkot. Nakakaumay. Nakakamatay.

Ang daming nagcecelebrate ng 10th anniversary nila ngayong taon na to. Siguro, kung natiis natin lahat. Problema, issues ng bawat isa, topak, temptations at madami pang iba. Sana. Sana mag iisang dekada na din tayo. Pero salamat, kasi kahit hindi umabot ng isang dekada yung relasyon natin. Magkaibigan pa din tayo ng isang buong dekada.

Nagiinarte lang ako ngayon. Sunod sunod kasi yung mga nakikita ko. Haha nakakapang hinayang.. pero may dadating naman para sakin e. At alam ko. Hindi lang isang dekada yung malalagpasan namin. Ulit. Salamat! Salamat sayo!

Yung mga standards na sinet mo para kay "the one" or kay "future" will definitely excites you kapag may nameet kang pasok sa standards na yun. Sabi din nila the more na marami kayong similarities mas may chance na mag work.

Parang nakakatuwa at nakakaexcite nga. Pero mas mataas yung probability na mas masaktan ka, kasi they met most or some of your standards. But you don't met theirs. Yun lang sad part dun. Kaya mejo magulo e. Will it be better kung walang standards. Wala ng ieexpect.

matabangutak

Kaya pala maraming nabubulag sa Love,masarap kasi sa pakiramdam na may nag-aalala sa ‘yo at nagpaparamdam na importante ka sa kanila, may nag papagaan ng pakiramdam mo sa mga oras na down ka. Kaya may mga tao na willing mag take ng risk para lang maramdaman nila 'yung bagay na 'yon.

Minsan, nakakaawa 'yung ibang tao na gusto lang nila 'yung idea pero hindi naman pala talaga sila handang magmahal. Masaya lang sila na andyan ka pero hindi sila ready makipag- commit sa 'yo. Sana alam nilang magkaiba 'yun. Dahil ang love for me eh pagtanggap sa isang tao kahit ano pa ang maging kapalit nito, 'yung handa mong gawin ang lahat sa kanya, handa mong isakripisyo. Hindi 'yung nagmahal ka para kiligin lang.

matabangutak

Siguro kung ano man ‘yung bagay na ginawa o nangyari sa 'yo. No choice ka na lang kundi tanggapin 'yun. Wala ka namang mapapala kung ipipilit mo pa 'yung gusto mo e. Gawin mo na lang lahat nang naiisip mo tapos kapag wala ka nang mapiga? Itigil mo na, umayaw ka na, iligtas mo na sarili mo, matuto kang mapagod.

Mahalin mo nang sobra ang sarili mo at huwag na muna ang ibang tao. Kasi kung mahal ka nila gagawin at gagawin nila 'yung bagay na dapat mong maramdaman e. Ganyan talaga ang buhay, hindi lahat ng akala e mangyayari. At 'yung pinaka least mo pang inakalang di mangyayari e 'yun pa ang mangyayari sa 'yo. That’s life. Pray ka na lang palagi. Malalagpasan mo rin 'yan. Gigising ka rin na wala ng inaalalang walang nagmamahal sa 'yo. Ma rerealize mo kasi na marami pala, siya lang ang hindi. Kaya ngiti na, makakayanan at malalagpasan mo rin yan. Maniwala ka, ako na ang nagsasabi sa 'yo

4am Questions...

I'm back. For a while, with a question(s) that is bugging me just this night.

Why am I still single? Am I not enough to be loved. Am I not enough to be kept? Is there's something wrong with me? Or am just being excited with a thought of being in a relationship after being single for more than 3years?

I had a couple of flings and it turned me into hoping that it'll work or it'll last, but all of them failed. For the past years, I became an option, not the priority. I'm always the second best and I settled with that.

I am now questioning myself, am I too excited to be with someone? Am I excited with a thought of someone will take care of me after waiting for years? Am I excited with the feeling that finally "the one" will come?

But how? All of them see me as an option. For the past three years that i've been single, I haven't met any guy who will let me feel that I am worth the wait and who will prioritize me before any other woman on his list.

It hurts me more with a thought that you cannot be better with anybody else.

Or maybe I am wrong with everything. I easily fell inlove with actions and small gestures and I fail to look on a bigger side that sometimes words are important to know the real score.

I"m just hurt now. Another failed experience. Should I just use the word "Go with the flow" next time and don't fall inlove unless it was verbalized? Or should continue to be an option and wait until it's my turn?

Random questions pops-up in my head.

Questions

Sabi mo ako yung babaeng version mo. We have a lot of things in common. Napansin ko din yun na ang dami nating pagkakapareho. Isn't that a good thing? Di ba mas maganda nga yun kasi less yung differences. Pero bakit? Bakit siya pa din? Anong kulang? Anong mali?

Sabi mo mali lang yung timing? Hindi na ba pwedeng itama yung timing na yan? Kelan? Kapag pagod na tayo? Kapag hindi na ulit pwede? Kapag ako nanaman yung magsasabing mali yung timing.

Sabi ko wala lang to. Pero kasi e, ang hirap pala.

To the one who said he loves me

I'm confused. You said you like me but you can never love me because of her. You said that only if the time is right we can have our own love story. But then again, we cannot because of her.

I tried to avoid you but it's hard. I need to deal with you every frckndays. I tried to avoid your gaze but whenever I look at your direction you're looking at me.

Somebody told me that they ask you if you like me, you said you just don't like me but you already love me. And now my confusion arise, how come you fell in love with me while you're still in love with her. Okay! It is possible. But why? Why are you acting up that you don't feel anything for me?

You said that you don't want me to drag to that girl's mess. That you don't want me to think that I am your fallback. That you don't want others to think that I am an option. But did you even ask me what would I feel knowing that you confess about your love for me but everyday i'm dying seeing you with her?

If you feel something for me why don't you fight for it? Do you think I care about what other people think? About me as an option? Do you even care about what would I feel you being so far from me every fuckindays?

I can wait. But i'm not sure until when. I'm tired. I'm can't be an option in my entire life. I can fight. But I want you to fight for me. Fight with me.

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