light is all over us

Helly, 31, fictionkin

[itshellyactually]

Hi, I’m Helly R. I’m sorting through my thoughts and memories and trying to feel more grounded. I live and write from a place of selfhood all of the time, and I am not roleplaying.

I have a lot of memories of MDR and my time at Lumon, including both source memories and others. I’m always looking for others who may share these memories or might just want to talk.

DNI if you romanticize, excuse, or fetishize SA. Besides other standard DNIs, please DNI if you are kin with Helena Eagan, or are otherwise connected with Helena due to my own personal triggers. Other canonmates on friendly terms welcome. I know the fictionkin community isn’t very big. If you’re a minor, you’re welcome to reblog or like my posts, and it’s okay to follow me. But know that I’m the same age as in source and, as an adult, we’re in very different places in life.

[itshellyactually]

I also very much felt like I might have been kin with Mark S. at the beginning. I felt so connected to him. I knew some of the things he’d say before he said them.

Of course I do, he’s the love of my life.

[itshellyactually]

And I am 31 years old now, I catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror and I don’t know is looking back, and wonder if I’ll always be this way.

It is a gift to be alive, I think. It is a gift to have a life worth living. It is a gift to have even half a life. It is a gift to love so deeply I feel like the sun is always on my face.

[itshellyactually]

Something I don’t think I can communicate properly is that I’m so afraid. Sometimes I think Mark is braver than I am. I don’t feel brave. I don’t think rage is bravery. My anger is just fear that doesn’t have anywhere else to go.

[itshellyactually]

I was out for drinks last night and it suddenly hit me that I was out for drinks. A thing I had never had the chance to do. My hair looked okay. I still felt lonely.

[itshellyactually]

It’s almost my 31st birthday. I think I’m going to get a little too drunk and dance.

[lightscameraactionlove]

you’re still everything

[itshellyactually]

[itshellyactually]

I just want to be safe, I want to be in a soft world instead of something so hard and cold. I don’t want alarm bells or fear or the feeling of being hunted.

[itshellyactually]

sunlight on my skin, my feet in water so warm that it doesn’t feel real

barefoot in a kitchen where the light streams in

[itshellyactually]

I guess that, yes, I do experience being fictionkin as something very literal. It’s just a fact, like having red hair. I inhabit this body but I’m always me. I am allowed to be me. I have to remind myself that no one can take this life from me.

[itshellyactually]

I’m not Helena. I’m not anyone but myself. I’m just a fucking person.

[itshellyactually]

If you sent me an anon ask, tumblr glitched and it’s gone. I’m sorry!

[guesswho27]

i will be a gun, and it’s you i’ll come for

[itshellyactually]

I don’t shift, I don’t feel like I experience any sort of dissonance. Sure, I am this person in this body in this life too, but I’m also me. All of the time.

Given the circumstances of my source, I feel like even more important to allow this to be real for me. I am allowed to exist, to have this be my life, a life that no one can take from me.

[opiumvampire]

this one. fuck this poem.

[rowanisawriter]

2026

DO THE ABSOLUTE MINIMUM AT WORK. MAKE ART THAT HURTS. ABANDON ALL GUILT AND SHAME. DONT LET THEM KILL YOUR SOUL. BECOME YOUR OWN PERSONAL GOD. GROW SPIKES. DONT LET THEM KILL YOUR SOUL