It's Like They Know Us

Relax on your pristine white couch and enjoy these realistic depictions of motherhood.

[itsliketheyknowus]

“It’s summer, so we made this baby wrap in a light, breathable fabric. It is fashionable and practical.”

“Right! So maybe we shoot it on the beach to invoke the feel of a breezy summer day?”

“Yes, that is exactly what we had in mind!”

“Great, and what do you want mom to wear? Shorts and sandals? Maybe a flowy maxi dress?”

“We were thinking a full-length velvet bathrobe.”

“Um…”

“Oh, sorry! AND thick pleather pants that drag in the sand as she walks; both in gold, of course. Think Steven Tyler meets Sharon Stone’s character from Casino. You know, right at the end when she’s all coked up and crazy.”

“Isn’t that…a little impractical?”

“Well, we ARE going to give her a fanny pack.”

“Oh, okay. That makes sense then.”

[itsliketheyknowus]

Bedtime level: advanced

[itsliketheyknowus]

It’s really this simple, folks.

[itsliketheyknowus]

“Practicing mindfulness with the children has been a breeze. I’m just like, ‘Hey kids, could you stop screaming and farting and breaking everything for 2 seconds so we can reach a purer state of being through focused breathing and relaxation?’ and they’re like, ‘Absolutely.” 

[itsliketheyknowus]

Happy Mother’s Day everyone! Here’s wishing you a day full of eating syrup drenched pancakes without utensils in bed with your toddler!

[itsliketheyknowus]

“This baby is great and all, but how am I supposed to apply lipgloss in the airport when I have to CONSTANTLY carry him around?”

Introducing ‘Magic Sassy Strap!’ Magic Sassy Strap allows you to apply all of your favorite glosses, balms, and lacquers, unencumbered by the crushing weight of a small human being who depends solely on you for survival.

Use Magic Sassy Strap for hands-free control of any large, awkward object. Including, but not limited to:

-An 8 lb. baby in a 25 lb. car seat carrier

-A large bundle of wood

-The alternator for a 1988 Buick La Sabre

-A group of tantruming toddlers, known collectively as a “hissy”

-The baby calf that Billy Crystal delivers in “City Slickers” and then heroically carries across a river in the middle of a massive flash flood.

Magic Sassy Strap - when you want to apply lipgloss, but not the laws of physics. (From the makers of Baby Bag)

[itsliketheyknowus]

Now is Mommy’s housework time, I know my baby’s safe within. It’s fun to mop the muck and grime while baby’s in his pen. He never frets, and never whines our house is always neat. his playpen even levitates as I mop underneath. 

[itsliketheyknowus]

Marina couldn’t figure out why no one else showed up for this week’s “Velvet and Ski Masks Down by the Docks,” mommy meet-up. 

[itsliketheyknowus]

Yep! Just a totally normal day at the gym, amiright ladies?!

[itsliketheyknowus]

Fairy-tale social media fantasies can demolish your confidence, but it's not all bad

Consuming too much social media when users end up comparing their lives to others more glamorous can leave one with bad feelings say researc

It’s Like They Know Us is featured in this article under the subheading, “It’s not all a pit of despair” 🙂🙃🙂

[itsliketheyknowus]

Our boy spends many quiet hours poring over his schoolbooks. Comfortably dressed for the draft, he uses the ample light from the candle he is not touching or pushing over.

-Submitted by Michelle Miranda

[itsliketheyknowus]

“Okay, so this stroller seat can spin 360 degrees. What’s our angle?”

“Things that spin!”

“Great, things that spin. What spins?”

“Dreidels!”

“Tilt-O-Whirls!”

“Helicopters!”

“What? Helicopters don’t spin.”

“Well…the top thingie does. You know, the top part, *motioning* It spins around like, ‘WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH.”

“Okay, helicopters. Can we get a helicopter?”

“Uh…sure. I think Dave has one.”

“Great, we’ll borrow Dave’s helicopter. What else?”

“The mom should be wearing an ill-fitting polyester jumpsuit!”

“Okay…but as long as the jumpsuit is simultaneously way too tight but also loose and sloppy, like stretched-out disco pajamas.”

“We can do that.”

“Great! So we’ll have Dave’s chopper, sexy-pilot-disco-jammies, and the stroller. Where will we shoot?”

“It’ll have to be at Dave’s parents’ house.”

“What? Why?”

“Because that’s where he keeps the chopper.”

“You don’t think that’ll look weird in the background?

“Not any weirder than the rest of it.”

“Great. Let’s do it. Oh, and make sure the baby is like, ‘WTF.”

[itsliketheyknowus]

Tips for beating flu season!

Get all of your family members in the same bed. Close physical proximity with children who are also sick will help you recover faster.

You might be tempted to lie down, but this is the WORST thing you could do! Prop your head up on a hard headboard to condition your body that pain is a part of life. 

Crowd everyone as close together as possible. Now all of your germs will have to battle it out until only the strongest microbes win! Now your family can unite on the journey of a lifetime to defeat the ALPHA VIRUS.

Your toddler is already an expert at cleanly and effectively blowing his own nose, so relax and get some rest!

[itsliketheyknowus]

Something I wrote made the most-read of 2018 on McSweeneys. *blushes, feels overwhelming surge of pride, feels guilt for being prideful, continues blushing*

Toddler Feelings Helpline

This is our 4th most-read article of 2018. Originally published March 5. - - -Hello, you have reached the Toddler Feelings Helpline. Please

[itsliketheyknowus]

One day in my future, I will wake up in a spotless white house with a furry white floor and a furry white dog who you almost didn’t notice with all of the fur going on, but he’s definitely there. I will have a tan, sculpted body and a matching tan, sculpted husband because we both have ample time to care for our children and ourselves. We will rouse our children, Ivory and Alabaster, from their dreaming yurts to come and behold the tree, fulfilling their Christmas wish to wear things on their heads and not touch anything. Finally, after achieving the perfect holiday, we will be absorbed into a floating ball of light, shedding our earthly forms and becoming one with Pinterest, where others may behold our beauty.

[itsliketheyknowus]

To the tune of Winter Wonderland

Taupe and cream Are you listening? In the lane Beige is glistening

A beautiful sight We’re khaki tonight Walking in a neutral wonderland

Gone away Is the blue shirt Here to stay Are ecru shirts

With linen and tan We’ll all be so bland Walking in a neutral wonderland

In the morning we’ll go to Ann Taylor Maybe see if J.Crew has a sale I have lots of coupons from their mailer We’ll need new clothes for wintering in Vail

Later on We’ll admire Tawny scarves By the fire

Colors can fade But beige will remain Walking in a neutral wonderland.

Walking in a neutral wonderland…

Walking in a neutral wonderland…

[itsliketheyknowus]

“Sure, his hooves track sand all over the house and he takes massive dumps everywhere, but our family walks on a desolate gray beach make it all worth it.”

Submitted by Katharyn Desmarais