Ima

i'm older now, but i still have no fucking clue

[ivdiaries]

Yayaman pa kaya ako?

Ang hirap ng buhay ngayon, no? Ganito ba talaga habang tumatanda?

Samantalang nung bata pa ako, parang ang saya saya maging matanda kasi nakakapunta kung saan mo gusto, may pambili ng mga gustong gamit, na para bang ang laki laki ng sahod kapag may trabaho ka.

Ngayon na andito na ako, na matanda na at nagttrabaho narealize ko na hindi pala ganun yun. Hindi pala siya ganun kadali. Hindi pala ganun kasaya.

Don't get me wrong, masaya pa rin naman maging matanda. Tulad nga ng nabanggit ko kanina, nakakabili ng mga bagay na gusto mo at nakakapunta ka sa mga lugar na gusto mo dahil pinaghihirapan pa rin naman namin yung mga kinikita namin. Kaya deserve naman ng award every now and then.

Sadyang sa panahon ngayon, mas lamang yung pagod kesa sa saya. Mas lamang yung bayarin kesa sa ipon.

Alam ko naman na hindi lang ako yung hirap makaipon, alam kong may mga ibang katulad ko na nahihirapan din. Lalo na ngayon na mas tumataas pa ang bilihin.

Pero, I can't help but wonder - in 5-10 years, yayaman pa kaya ako? Mararating ko pa kaya yung mga gusto kong marating? Dadating pa kaya yung panahon na hindi ako mamomroblema sa mga bayarin? Dadating pa kaya yung panahon na 6-8 digits yung magiging laman ng bank account ko? Hahaha.

Wala, ang hirap lang talaga ngayon. I want to live my life and experience a lot of things, pero at the same time, gusto ko rin makaipon para sa future ko. Ang dali lang kasi sabihin na, "you only live once" which is totoo naman, pero paano nalang kung kailangan na kailangan mo ng pera diba, tapos wala kang mahuhugutan. Ang hirap din naman nun.

Sa ngayon, may ipon naman ako. Naghuhulog ako kahit maliit na halaga sa 3 bank account na meron ako. Pero ayun nga, malaki laki din yung mga utang ko kaya mahirap din talagang makaipon.

Kaya normal ba yun, na at the age of (almost) 28 eh nagkakaroon pa rin ako ng crisis sa sarili ko?

Anyways, sana dumating yung panahon na malagpasan lahat ng ito. Feeling ko naman, magiging okay ang lahat. At wala naman akong choice kundi kayanin. Kailangan kayanin.

Kung parehas tayo ng naeexperience, kapit lang. Malalagpasan din natin to. Sabi nga nila na habang may buhay may pag...

Subok HAHAHA pero meron din pag-asa.

Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk. Bye!

[ivdiaries]

Is it valid that I feel weirded out by this...?

Okay so I have to write this because this has been weirding me out since I saw it. So I posted a video of me and my current boyfriend eating ramen (it's a templated video) in my instagram story and it's just clips of us eating, talking, and at one point in the video we kissed (like smack kiss). It's just a 15-second video, nothing more and nothing less.

So now around 2am while I was drinking and on video call with my boyfriend, I was scrolling thru the viewer list, TELL ME THE F WHY I saw my ex gf's name on the list??

We have unfollowed each other since last year and have not been in contact since then. The last time we talked was March 2023 - so tell me why I'm seeing her on that video's viewer count for the first time since last year?

I mean it's weird. Is it normal that I feel weirded out by this? I mean, she just viewed the story - she didn't send any message or whatever BUT why? How come you're here? Why are you suddenly visiting my account?

Okay, I get that she has every right to, I mean my account is PUBLIC but it's been a year since we last talked to each other so why are you here now?

ALSO mind you, she has been in a relationship probably for a year or 2 now, I'm not sure how long. While my bf and I were together for 9 months. But the gist is SHE'S IN A RELATIONSHIP.

So yeah, I know I don't need to have the answer, I don't care about the answer either, it's just weird. For me.

Okay bye.

[ivdiaries]

I remember back in grade school I used to have a grade school bully.

She was (I think) a year under me, and when I was in Grade 3, I was a new student in St. Paul College of Makati then. On my first day of school, my mom didn't let me wear my school uniform. Instead she made me wear a white backless sleeveless, pink pants, and rubber shoes. I was humiliated then because it was a Catholic school! The adviser even used me (like she made me go in front of the class) as an example of an improper dress code (which is true, but do we really need to humiliate a grade 3 student, let alone a NEW one like that?) like, I was embarrassed enough give me a break!

I don't even know what went into my mom's mind at the time to make me wear that, I'm not even sure if I questioned her at the time but that happened.

Anyway, going back to the grade school bully...

As I said she was a year under me, which makes me older than her (the audacity, right?) she was my service-mate and considering that I'm a new student, she has seniority over me IN TERMS of how old of a student she was in school, but in reality, I'm OLDER than her. Anyways, her name is Shanina Dimaano.

She even has an ally in our service that time, and this time she was a year older than me. Her name is Axzennette Espiridion.

And they both bullied me, and even my friend Red.

If I remember correctly, she got mad at me for wearing that fit on my first day of school. And I don't know how she got everyone, or how she manipulated everyone to get mad at me like, girl? I didn't even do anything wrong.

But for the rest of that school year, she got mad at me and bullied me for the most absurd reasons.

I remember I was drinking a Zesto or Big-O juice (not sure but it was a juice) and it was accidentally spilled all over (I forgot how it happened), and a little bit of juice got into her ears, then this dramatic ass bitch got mad at me and told me ants are going to crawl inside her ears, like telling me if I'd bring her to the hospital (again, if I remember these events correctly) and deep inside I was like "Huh? Pwede mo naman punasan, di ka ba naliligo?" but of course I apologized because it was an accident.

The next day, everyone in that goddamn service didn't talk to me and they pretended I didn't exist and this little girl bullied me and made that school year a living hell for me.

I can't remember clearly when, but one day I found out Shanina transferred schools. I was relieved, but mostly a bit angry that I didn't even got to confront her and tell her all the bad things she did to me. And how I didn't deserve to be treated that way. To think that she did it to someone who's much older than her.

Until recently, she popped in to my mind, and I decided to stalk her social media accounts. We aren't friends in any, and I wasn't planning on adding her into my social circle (she bullied me in grade school, no matter how insignificant that is, no one really gets over that. You just grow through it) and I found out that she has a daughter. Of course, I'm happy for her because babies are blessing, but I hope her daughter wouldn't experience what she put me through.

But what I'm wishing for is I hope she never forgets about me. I hope she never forgets what she put me through. I know I was young, and we ought to forget - but I didn't. I might not clearly remember what happened but it certainly brought trauma into my life.

And once she remembers who I am, I hope she never forgets the hell she put me through.

And again, I won't ever let anyone disrespect me that way. Not even the ones younger than I am. I won't let anyone walk all over me again.

[ivdiaries]

I'm glad I moved on. I'm glad to have met someone who wants to take care of me, someone who loves me unconditionally.

I never thought I'll ever find that kind of love.

Because to be honest, I don't think I deserve it. After everything I've been through, and everything I've put others through, I don't think I deserve a gentle, calm love.

But deep down, all I'm looking for is something like this. I longed for a love like this. A love where I can feel safe, heard, seen - everything all at the same time.

Oh, to be loved like this. A love I thought I'll never find.

[ivdiaries]

Untitled part 1

In my 26 years of living, I've been in love at least 3x. One, was from my boyfriend in high school named Harold with whom I was in a relationship with for 1 year and 2 months. Second, was my first girlfriend named Cams who I dated for 2 years back in college. And third was my previous ex girlfriend Kath, who I dated after school and has been my girlfriend for 4 years.

These relationships I had, especially with Kath, were intense, passionate, the ones where it gives you butterflies in the stomach. It was fiery and exciting - the relationship that would always keep you on your toes. And I say passionate once again.

But, like many other relationships, the fires burn out and the passion dies down. The intensity becomes too much to handle that it turns into rage and fight. Somehow along the relationship, you'd both forget why you've been here in the first place.

And that's how I got my heart broken. Thrice. I used to believe that love should always be exciting and passionate. That you should do everything to keep the spark alive - that love is about conquering all things, and that love is the only thing that matters.

Until I realized that love isn't always the answer. No matter how much you love someone, it will never be enough to make them stay. That you can only give so much love, until you'd feel empty. Until you lose everything, even yourself.

I used to believe that love should be grand, loud, and turbulent.

Until I met someone who planted calmness in my being. Who loved me softly and gently. Who understood and loved me despite my demons, despite my imperfections. Who stayed despite my confusion. Who loved me even when I had doubts.

Who loved and accepted me wholly without asking for anything in return. A love that doesn't have to be loud, a love that doesn't have to be grand, but a love that is shared between two imperfect people trying to become better versions of themselves.

Until I met Lance, my life became peaceful.

And yes, there maybe moments where I doubt myself, or I doubt him, or I doubt everything about us. But, he never failed to assure me each time. He'd always say, "I got you". and to me, that is much good to hear than "I love you".

I remember one time I told him that I had doubts about us and he told me that he'll try to be better, and I hope he knows how much I appreciate him for that.

And I too, wants to be better for him. And for myself.

I remember he told me last night that he wants to be wholly proud of himself, and not just parts of him - so I can also be proud of him wholly. And it tugs a soft spot in my heart, I hope he knows that I am proud and lucky to have him.

One thing about Lance is he tries. And I can see how much he's trying. And that's one of the many things that I love about him.

He's my Sunday afternoon kind of love. I know, I know he doesn't believe in God, but god I wish he knew how much I prayed to have someone like him in my life.

I know our relationship is just at the beginning, but we have all the time in the world to figure things out. I just hope and wish that I won't mess this one up.

We have time. 🤍

[cyberxbattalion]

[ivdiaries]

Let me tell you the story of how my boyfriend and I met:

My boyfriend and I met on the most boring way possible - we are workmates at our company right now. We both work at GMA New Media Inc., a subsidiary of GMA Network.

My boyfriend, Lance, is from the Video Content Producer Team while I work as the Creatives Project Manager of the Creatives Team.

Before, we only have work interactions talaga. Like, he would file a job order on our ticket (job orders such as video curations, anatomy, or graphics for show violators - it really depends on the request) but mostly, we would only talk about work ganap.

Sample convo:

Lance: Good morning, Ima! Sending this JO for [INSERT PROJECT HERE]. Please let me know if there's anything else you need. Thank you!

Me: Got this, Lance. Will check. Thank you!

So mostly, ganyan lang talaga yung convo namin on Viber. Nothing more, nothing less.

There are moments where I think I saw him during those times na pumupunta ako ng office (around 2023, but only if needed) but I really don't remember if I've seen him sa office.

We've only had one interaction outside office, during the GMA Sparkle Gala Event I've attended last year. Honestly, I'm not supposed to be there, or pwede naman na hindi ako sumama on that event, pero pinasama ako ng isang workmate ko, si Mae para naman daw makasama sama ako sa events.

And I met Lance there, in the flesh, including their other teammates that I've only interacted with through Viber.

I really can't forget this interaction because medyo nasungitan ako sa kanya nun. So, lumapit ako sa kanila, he's with our other workmate, Josh and I asked them, "Kumain na ba kayo?" I'm not sure who answered me but one of them said, "Ito may food yung ATM." (ATM is one of GMA's online shows - I'm not really sure). And then after that interaction, lumayo na sila because they're talking about something (honestly, I was expecting pa to chika with them), but buti nalang nagpicture picture na with NMI peeps and other artist so it really didn't bother me na.

Then few days/weeks after, Lance followed me on Instagram. I really didn't find it weird because I was thinking na parang, "Ah okay, perfect. New work friend." Like dagdag followers sa Instagram ganon.

I'm barely at the office and the times I would go to the office are when we have weekend livestream events, and I remember there was one time na pumasok ako sa office on a Sunday after one of our livestream events, and he was there too and we saw each other and he said, "Hi, Ima!" and I waved back.

I do remember though, when Lance is only a newbie sa office, one friend of mine tried to play matchmaker and inintroduce sakin si Lance (like inasar lang ako sa Viber ganon) - I didn't know Lance then, so I stalked him sa Facebook and I told my friend, "Pass, bagets pa to."

Pero nung may something na kami, my friend told me na I thought of Lance as a "cutie cutie" pero pass nga kasi bagets. HAHAHAHA.

Tapos, ngayon daw pala kami magkakasomething. HAHAHAHA hays.

Anyway, going back to the story, after Lance followed me on Instagram, well we didn't really have any interaction there at all. Minsan, he would like my story or maybe I did like one of his IG stories (I'm not sure) but that's it. We didn't message each other on Instagram or anything.

Until one random night on November 2023, I opened my TikTok account around 2am because I was drinking - Lance followed me on my TikTok account and shot me a message. So of course, I followed him back first and replied.

His first TikTok message was:

Lance: Hi, Ima, this is probably a terrible way to start a convo but I hope you like memes.

[INSERT TIKTOK VIDEO HERE]

Me: Hi! Yes I like memes.

Me: Sorry now lang ako nag open ng TikTok!

And then the conversation happened. At the time, I wasn't really into using Messenger (except for family and other relatives) so I asked him if he has a Telegram account - and he does have one and we started talking there since.

I'll continue this tomorrow because it's 1:39am and I am sleepy.

Okay good night!

[ivdiaries]

I have a boyfriend now!!

It's been years since I had a boyfriend, mostly because I dated girls after my high school boyfriend.

I love him. A lot.

[ivdiaries]

List of people I talked to or dated after my 4 year-relationship with Kath

Hi there! Here's the list of the people I talked to or dated (?) after my 4 year relationship. To note, this will start around 2022, the year my ex and I broke up.

Quick backstory, I tried online dating again 3 months after Kath and I broke up - I'm not looking for anything serious at the time, what I needed is someone to talk to.

But since we're here 2 years after the break up, it's normal to have my preferences when it comes to dating, changed or upgraded. So here's the list of the people (girl/s included) that I talked to or dated from 2022-2023.

Buns (April-May 2022) Buns is a girl I met on a dating app called Tinder. At first, I swiped right because she seems oddly familiar, until I realized that she is one of Kath's friends (and no, I didn't meet her in person during the time Kath and I were still together because they're not really that close - and they met because of a mutual friend). They used to play COD along with their other friends as well. When we started talking, I didn't tell her immediately that I knew her, and so I started telling her about Kath without actually telling her who she was. Until the next day, I came up with a plan to tell her that I know people from where she used to study in college. And that's when she found out that the ex I was referring to was Kath. We only met once because I was curious and I wanted to see what she looks like in person. The date was short and decent (plus I paid for it ugh) but the conversation is a bit boring. Through the days that followed, she told me that she wanted me to be her girlfriend but at the time, I wasn't really looking for anything serious, and hell, I just got out of a serious relationship. At the time, she's been single for 2 years while I've only been single for 3 months. Also it concerned me that it doesn't bother her that Kath used to be my girlfriend, and that she doesn't care if Kath is her friend - she still wants to be with me. But I never gave in, because at the time, I know I can't and I know it will never work out. Until the last few weeks of May, her replies became a little bit cold and she replies hours or days late. Until eventually, we started falling out because she never replied on my last message. And I never bothered messaging her too again.

Niko (April-May 2022) As you can see, there has been an overlap with Buns and Niko. At the time, when I was active on Tinder, I also met Niko. The gist was, I swiped right because Niko used to be my high school schoolmate, only he was from the upper batch. When I was in high school, I really found him charismatic, hence I had a slight crush on him during high school. Niko is nice and easy to talk to. Also our humor are on the same wavelength that's why we vibed so much. The only thing was he's more quiet in person. And I found that a bit boring. But between him and Buns, I preferred him more. We went out twice but with other people, I think we never really went out just the two of us which was probably one of the reasons why it didn't work out. Plus whenever we'd go out, there's always alcohol involved. And alcohols are harmful for a reason. Don't worry, we never had sex. I'm just saying, alcohols are harmful. Anyway, the last time I saw him was during my 25th birthday celebration. I invited him along with my super duper close friends for a pre-birthday celebration dinner. I'm glad that he went, but at the same time I'm not happy with what he wore that night. And let me tell you why. Imagine celebrating your birthday in one of BGC's well lit area where people kind of dress decently. Not exactly the suit and tie kind, but pants, nice top/shirt, and shoes. So we celebrated my birthday at Tipsy Pig, and other people are clothed decently, and to my surprise I saw him outside Tipsy Pig wearing a satire Jollibee shirt, shorts, slippers, and jacket. I know I might sound a bit shallow, but it was a birthday dinner in BGC - he could've worn something nice - like TSHIRTS are generally okay with me I don't care - plain, printed, checkered, or plaid - whatever you prefer as long as you wear PANTS and sneakers. That's it. As shallow as that sounds, it was a major turn off for me. I don't care if you didn't get me a gift - and I am glad he came, but the effort of him AT LEAST dressing NICELY or DECENTLY was kind of what I was hoping for. We still talked a bit on my actual birthday, but I never replied after. I really didn't have the energy to reply anymore. Around June of 2022, he unfollowed me on Instagram and unfriended me on Facebook. But last October 2023, he started following me again on Instagram. No romance ever rekindled, don't worry.

Aaron (late 2022 or early 2023 - until December 2023) I never actually dated this guy but we were talking for months (on and off talking). I just can't remember when it started. Aaron was a friend from high school. Although we're not really schoolmates back then, we had lots of mutual friends. I really thought of taking him a bit seriously given that I'm already on the verge of being ready to date again. He asked me out a lot but he never gave me a sure date when. It's always, "Sige isipin ko muna kung kelan." So I never went out with him, because that made me unsure of him. Also, location kind of became an issue since he always wanted to hang out around Makati where he lives. I used to live in Makati, and whenever I'll go to Makati, it's usually me hanging out with my friends especially during the weekend, to relax and destress after a long work week. He told me he doesn't really want to go here in Antipolo where I currently live because it's far and he might get lost. So he wants me to go to Makati for him. Which I never did. He wanted me to go and hang out with him, and I say yes, but why should I be the one who'd travel that far just to "hang out"? I told him lots of times that we can meet half way. And yet no dates were ever secured. After all, if you really want to pursue someone, wouldn't you go against all odds just to prove that you really like this person? But well, I guess he doesn't really like me enough. Maybe he just likes the idea of having someone. 4. Ninyo (July 2022) I met Ninyo (or also known as Hans on Bumble) during my active on Bumble era. Honestly, he was very easy to talk to to the point we both decided to move the conversation on Telegram. We talked for a few days on Telegram until he ghosted me. I never bothered messaging him again and just deleted the conversation. 5. Mark (2017, 2022-2023) Mark IS honestly the guy I would TOTALLY date if I'll be given a chance to. He really became my crush to the point that if he JUST seriously asked me out I would put down all my defenses and say YES in a heartbeat. I met Mark through a mutual friend one night in 2017. At the time, I was in a new relationship with Kath. My friend told me Mark had a crush on me, but since I was in a relationship at the time, I've never really given it much thought. We then became social media friends, and soon I found out that he has a girlfriend (I wasn't jealous okay, I was in a relationship!!!) The same year Kath and I broke up was also the same year him and his girlfriend broke up. Although Kath and I broke up around January 2022, they broke up around late 2022 - I don't know exactly when. When I was going through the break up phase, Mark was messaging me like some sort of advices, asking me if I was okay and so I did the same thing when they broke up - to note, we gave each other advice as FRIENDS. Around late 2022 to early 2023, there were messages between us where flirty exchanges are happening, and that's when I thought that if this guy decided to pursue me, I WOULD DEFINITELY SAY YES. But nothing really happened because one day we were talking about life, talking about our individual future plans and the next day he just stops replying. And weeks will pass by. Until that became a cycle. The conversation would only start again whenever I'd post a selfie on my Instagram or Messenger story - then we'd talk again for days, until he'd stop replying again. So of course, I got tired of the cycle, I stopped entertaining him then. We won't tolerate the mixed signals - ANYMORE.

[bakwaaas]

adult life is crazy because you can be going through the most devastating and heartbreaking things while still having to go to work and do the laundry and grocery shopping

[ivdiaries]

It has been a while since I wrote about you, but here we are. Thinking about you again.

And despite all the shitty stuff that happened today, today was a good day.

How are you? I hope you're doing fine. I'm doing good as well, as always.

In a few months, it will already be 2 years since we broke up. Grabe no, totoo nga pala when they say that a lot can happen in a year. Well, Sharkie's okay. She's hungry all the time kaya nauubos agad yung food niya, but it's okay - we can manage.

A lot has happened after you. A lot of things changed, but most things stayed the same. I'm still working in my old job for 3 years now and I'm still living with my family here in Antipolo. But, mostly the difference is you're not a part of my life anymore, as much as I'm not a part of yours.

To be honest, breaking up with you sucks. You're a good person, but at the time, I was too empty to see it. I just didn't tell you how much everything bothered me, or how much it ruined me because I know it'll always end up in a fight. And the only way for me to fight the demons inside were... well... you know it.

I still drink but not too often as I used to. I prefer to drink alone now so I can reflect on everything going on in my life, or just be alone with my thoughts. I prefer listening to music or just write about my feelings.

I'm not saying I feel better now, syempre may mga panahon pa rin na ang hirap. But everything is actually lighter now than before.

I don't wish for you to come back, and I don't wish for us to reconcile anymore. But honestly, sometimes when things feel heavy, you're still the one I want to tell those stuff with, because I know you'll listen and I know you'll understand.

And I thought maybe you weren't just my (ex) girlfriend, but my best friend too.

Sayang no, you were my gf and my bff in one - but I lost all that in one night. Hahaha.

Anyways, I still miss you. Don't be too proud though, because I only miss you sometimes. Well, yeah, you can be proud pero mga 5% lang hahaha.

I hope you're doing well, and I hope you know AS ALWAYS that I want nothing but for you to be happy. And as for me, I'll keep on moving on, because as much as I miss you, it also hurts to realize that I can't have you back into my life. Kahit bilang kaibigan nalang.

I'm at this point in my life that even if I would want you to be a part of it, I'm not sure if I can. A part of me still loves you, and a part of me kinda hates you too. But the best way to let these shit go is to just let it right?

I have no choice but to let you go, and you know that.

Anyway, that's all. This won't probably be the last time that I'll write about you but this is the last - for now.

Take care.

[ivdiaries]

Spilling my heart out as an armycarat

I know it’s only been more than a year since I became a KPop stan, but one thing is for sure, I’m glad to have slipped into the diamond life, truly, for the rest of my life.

Both BTS and Seventeen are self-made artists, and even though they’re 8-10 years in the KPop industry already, you can really feel their passion and dedication with their work which is mostly shown in their performances and releases. It’s something that really inspires me and I really find it admiring because I’ve never stanned any artist the way I stanned BTSVT. They deserve all the recognition and respect they get because of their hard work.

BTSVT both show how much they adore and respect their fans (known as “army” and “carats”) by sharing equal adoration. The amount of love, support, teamwork, and respect each fandom shows toward BTSVT is reciprocated doubly. The way these idols give 1100% of their best in every performances, comebacks, and group/solo content is already enough for us fans to also keep that fiery energy and support them all the way through.

All I could say as a proud armycarat is that I’m glad to have met BTSVT in this lifetime. I’m glad I entered the magic shop and slipped to this diamond life. I know I’ve said this lots and lots of times but Bangtan Sonyeondan and Seventeen became my home (Siri, play Home by BTS and Home by Seventeen). They became my shoulder to lean on. They became my source of strength and inspiration. I must say that I grew another heart loving BTS and Seventeen.

I hope these 20 amazing, talented, and wonderful people from South Korea knows how much they saved me. Their music saved me. BTS and SVT saved me.

Thank you for all your hard work, btsvt! I hope we get old together.

In this diamond life, for the rest of my life 💜🩵🩷

\⁷

[ivdiaries]

Kay tagal din kitang minahal no?

Pwede kayang wag nalang akong magmahal? Di ko alam, nakakatakot kasi eh. Lahat nalang ng taong mamahalin ko, kung hindi ako iiwan, sasaktan lang ako sa bandang huli.

Wala naman akong ibang gustong gawin kundi mahalin sila diba?

Kaya siguro, wag nalang. Oo, kung may makilala man ako - hindi naman siya tulad nila. Kaso narinig ko na yan. Sabi hindi daw ako ipagpapalit, pero nakahanap agad ng iba.

Sabi gagawin daw lahat para hindi ako mawala, pero asan ba ako ngayon? Tapos sila masaya na.

Parang ang daya naman.

Sila masaya na, siya masaya na. Pero ako, ito, parang tanga.

Pwede kayang wag nalang akong magmahal? Di ko alam, palagi nalang akong nasasaktan eh. Lahat ng taong mamahalin ko, sinasaktan din ako bandang huli.

Yung tipong kilala mo na yung buong pamilya, kilala na rin niya yung buong pamilya mo, tapos hindi pa pala siya yung para sayo.

Nakakatawa lang.

Ang daya naman ng mundo kung ganon.

Kaya, wag nalang. Kakayanin ko nalang mag-isa. Kinakaya ko naman eh. Kaya ko.

Kaya wag nalang Universe, Lord, Tadhana. Wag nalang kung aalisin niyo rin sa buhay ko. Inyo na yan. Okay na ko, goods na ko dito, okay?

Wag niyo nalang guluhin buhay ko kung wawasakin niyo lang din.

[ivdiaries]

If the world is ending, you'd come over right?

[ivdiaries]

Will I ever be enough?

Last night, I barely slept a wink. Maybe because there were lots of things that were running in my head. (Let me speak in Taglish for this one). Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ba ang daming tumatakbo sa isipan ko kagabi, basta ang dami ko lang mga tanong.

I know that I'm enough. I know that what I do for a living is enough, sa totoo lang ito naman talaga yung gusto ko kahit noon pa, kahit nung high school palang ako. Alam ko na noon pa na I wanted to work in the media.

But, like all jobs, working in the media has its pros and cons. One con of working in the media is the compensation.

I mean, not naman na I'm comparing - but my salary is enough. For me. Nakakahelp naman ako kay mama sa pagbayad ng bills (kahit internet lang naman yung binabayaran ko), even Netflix kasi account ko naman yun (gamit na gamit naman Netflix ko kasi parati naman kaming nanonood), at the same time nabibili ko naman yung gusto ko and nabibili ko rin yung mga kailangan ni Sharkie such as cat food. Nattreat ko rin naman yung mga kapatid ko kahit mcdo pang meryenda sometimes.

That should be enough, right?

But why do I feel inadequate? Why do I feel like there's something lacking?

Is it skills? Alam ko naman na magaling ako. Or kung hindi magaling, alam ko naman na marunong ako. Madali lang din naman akong matuto kapag naturuan ako.

But why do I feel like I'm not enough? What's the cause of that?

Ever since I became single and started focusing on myself more, I wanted to do lots of things. I wanted to experience a lot of things. I want to travel, I want to attend multiple concerts, I want to hang out with my friends whenever I can or if ever they want to hang out I want to be one call away kahit sa Antipolo pa ako mangagaling.

And somehow, yes, I can.

But why is it still not enough? Why is it not enough for me?

Why do I feel this pressure that I should be having more? Why do I want to do more when all I wanted to do is rest and relax?

Or am I pressured because my friends have side hustles while I don't? Kaya feeling ko hindi ako enough? Kaya feeling ko parating kulang kasi naccompare ko yung sarili ko sa kanila?

When in reality, that shouldn't be the case.

Hindi naman pera ang basehan ng pagiging masaya, diba? Hindi naman nakabase sa pera yung worth mo as a person, as a daughter, as a friend, or even as a sister.

Pero, ewan ko ba. Hindi ko rin alam bakit ganito yung mindset ko. Pare-parehas lang naman natin sinusubukan na mag survive sa mundong to eh. Pare-parehas lang naman tayong nagsstruggle.

We're just given different boats to begin with.

I know I should stop comparing and pressuring myself because my worth isn't based on money and material possessions I have. I know it's more than that.

Anyways, that's it lang.

Good night.

[ivdiaries]

Thoughts about dating (or at least wanting to date) m3n again after 9 years

When I was a kid, I always thought that relationships are only about men and women. I thought that a woman is only meant for a man and vice versa. I used to have a crush on a lot of boys, especially when I was in high school. I always dream of marrying the "man" of my dreams, the father of my kids blah blah blah.

I used to only deal with boys before. Dating girls never really crossed my mind. See, I studied in a co-ed Catholic school so my world view at the time was a bit limited. Like I tell girls "you're so pretty" but it was never viewed in a romantic lens.

Back then, I was never really open with the idea of "women dating women". This might sound a little homophobic, but before, it made me think that kissing a woman is like kissing your sister which somehow made me think that I'll never EVER date girls.

OR SO I THOUGHT.

The last boyfriend I had, Harold, was when I was in high school. He was the first long term relationship I had which lasted for a year and 2 months. We broke up around 2012 - and although I flirted with guys after we broke up, I never really entered any serious relationship.

It was around 2014 when I met Cams. I was already in my second year of college then. I was slowly opening up to the idea that girls could like girls - I have no experience in liking girls that way, like I always think girl crushes are normal, but I never thought falling in love with a girl is possible. That's how ignorant I am.

It happened when my first ever college friend, Ciara, told me that she's a lesbian (Or did she say bisexual at that time? My memories are a bit fuzzy). She has a girlfriend (now ex) back then (and until now she's still into girls), and she was scared telling me about it because she thought I might judge. I told her I won't and that there's nothing wrong with being one, but I just can't imagine ME dating a girl.

And so I realized that maybe I am 100% straight, and like there's 0% possibility of me dating a girl.

AGAIN, OR SO I THOUGHT.

So I met Cams, right? At the time I was having a bit of an identity crisis. Like I know I'm into guys, but there's also this risky feeling saying, "What if I try dating girls for experience?", "What if I do like girls, but I'm just in denial?" - there were A LOT of thoughts back then. But, Cams made it easy.

She was very easy to talk to and she made me feel understood. She was also a very sweet friend at the time, it isn't that hard to like her. We used to talk everyday and whenever we see each other at school, we give each other hugs - which I know is very normal for girls.

I was starting to really like her and I wasn't afraid to try anymore, so we started dating.

But eventually I figured out she wasn't the one. Yes, we did plan what to name our kids if we'd ever have one (I forgot the names honestly) but really all I'm thinking about was how I'll tell my parents, most especially my mom, that she's not just a friend but my girlfriend? How will we get married if given the chance? Where will our relationship be, 5 years from now? Do I really see myself marrying her? Those are some questions that I kept on asking myself when we were together.

We didn't really tell our families about us dating, I know they might have the INTUITION but we never really told them well except for my half sisters and close friends, but it hasn't been easy.

After 2 years of dating my questions were answered because we broke up. And even though I was the one who initiated it, it still hurts like hell.

I promised myself not to date girls again. Cams would be the first and the last.

So one night, I was with my friends Micia and Joanna. We decided to go for a drink in a restobar named Coal in QC. At first there were only 3 of us, but Micia invited some of her friends, some seniors from our school. I met a guy named Jay. Just imagine what happened next. (Clue: no s-x involved, okay? Keep it clean.)

Honestly, I really don't remember much back then. 2017 was one of the worst years of my life. Everything was just blurry.

Jay was the last guy I flirted with - because Kath came into my life. And you know Kath, the girl from my previous Tumblr posts.

To those who doesn't know or doesn't have any clue who Kath was, she was my previous ex girlfriend who I dated for 4 years.

The difference between Cams and Kath was, I genuinely thought Kath was the one. And so imagine how much hell I went through when we didn't work out.

She could've been the one for me, but maybe I wasn't the one for her. As tough as it was to accept, I have no choice but to forgive, heal, and move on.

Anyway, back to the present times, I've been single for a year and almost 7 months now. I'm not planning to enter a relationship yet, but it doesn't mean I don't entertain people - but right now, the ones who show interest are mainly guys.

It's been a long time since I dated a guy - I don't know if the norms have changed but it's kinda hard to date nowadays.

People from the old times have it easy, but having genuine and healthy relationships right now, admittedly, is kinda hard. Why? I don't know.

The guys who show interest are either emotionally unavailable, just wants a lowkey situationship, too young, or too "jeje". I saw this TikTok where it says that guys compete for Princess Treatment which is so real? Why won't you let me be the girl here? Like if you didn't reply to the last message I sent even when we're genuinely talking about personal lives, do you want me to chase you? Or like beg you to reply? Like why do you want me to go somewhere far away from where I live just so we could "chill hangout"? Are you going to pay for my transpo fees?

Look, I'm not being petty or picky, and maybe the guy I've been praying for only exist in movies.

If I'm going to date a guy again, which I know would take a long time, I wish to find someone who'd make an effort to show me he likes me. Someone who's going to plan the dates, someone who's going to pick me up and bring me home, someone who won't leave me on seen, someone who'll just show up and be there. Someone that my family will welcome and adore. Someone that my friends would want for me.

I met a friend of a friend, his name is Allan. And he's SERIOUSLY the guy all girls dream of. He's honestly the greenest of all green flags. He's been in a relationship for a long time now and honestly, his girlfriend is so lucky. If only there are more guys like Allan.

I know that somebody out there is for me. I just haven't met that person yet. And also sadly, the ones who are my type doesn't know I exist. And yes it's Kim Mingyu.

Anyways, thoughts about dating men again? I don't know. I honestly really want to try, but with the people who shows interest in me, I guess this isn't the time yet to really focus on that.

That's it for today, will be back soon. Bye!

[ivdiaries]

July 28, Friday, 1:55 am - a text message I sent that I know she'll never read:

Hi, Kath. I know you won’t probably ever read this message kasi nga nasa Singapore ka na unless gamit mo tong number na to pang roaming hahahuhu 😭😭 ilang beses na rin naman akong nagmessage dito and wala naman nagrereply so I guess it’s safe to leave a message. Okay lang naman kahit di mo to mabasa, gusto ko lang sabihin kung ano yung nararamdaman ko. 

Hi. It’s been a long time since we talked. Alam ko naman why you decided to cut off communication and I won’t hold that against you. You have every right to. But ayun, I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, siguro dahil Venus Retrograde? Hahaha char pero ayun nga. You’re heavy on my mind lately, and syempre di naman ako bato. I still miss you. A lot. 

There’s a lot of things I want to say but I’ll start with a thank you. Thank you dahil minahal mo ko even when I don’t feel worthy and deserving of that love. Thank you dahil because of you I learned a lot. Thank you because you taught me so much about love. Thank you dahil sa apat na taon na nagkasama tayo, araw araw mo akong pinili. Araw araw mong naiparamdam na mahal mo ako, and for that I’ll always be thankful. I don’t know if I’ll ever find a love like that again, pero I’m glad that I was able to experience that love with you. A love that felt like home. And for that, thank you. 

Secondly, I want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry dahil hindi ako naging mabuting girlfriend sayo. I’m sorry dahil ang dami dami dami dami kong masasakit na salitang nabitawan lalo na kapag nalalasing ako na alam kong nakatatak na sa isipan mo, at mga salitang alam kong hindi ko na mababawi at maaalis. I wish I could take back all those things I said, but alam kong imposible, and the only thing I can do now is apologize, sincerely for everything I said. I’m sorry dahil at one point in our relationship, I took you for granted. I’m sorry dahil alam kong marami akong naging pagkukulang sayo. I’m sorry kasi di kita nalutuan ng extra pasta nung umuwi ka galing work kasi napasarap luto ko 😔. And for all of that, I’m sorry. 

Third, I want to say that I am so proud of you. Alam ko na marami kang gustong maibigay sa family mo lalo kay tita and now na andyan na si Zoe and yung next pamangkin mo (congrats pala ate Arah and kuya Rap!), hanggang ngayon naman di ko pa rin nakakalimutan yun. I’m happy na finally, unti-unti mo nang makakamit yun. One step at a time. Alam ko na mahirap makipag sapalaran sa ibang bansa, pero kinaya mo at alam kong kakayanin mo pa. Ikaw na yan eh, alam ko naman na kahit mahirap at nakakatakot, lalaban ka. Kasi ganun ka katapang. 

Last, I want to say that you’ve taught me to become a better person. While we were in a relationship, I never really understood everything’s that going on in my mind. Basta alam ko lang na I feel guilty for feeling angry or feeling sad — and that I never really understood why I feel that way kaya ayun lagi kong gustong uminom. Lagi kong gustong uminom to shut off the thoughts, but look where that got me right? But now, I’ve learned how to acknowledge my emotions and deal with them better instead of drowning my sorrows in alcohol. I’ve learned how to ask my friends or family for help whenever I feel overwhelmed, and I got back to writing in journals again. I would say na you were the one who pushed me to try kahit para sa sarili ko na. And for that I’m thankful. You pushed me to slowly become a better person for myself, for my family, and for my friends. 

I lost you Kath, but I found myself. And for that I’m beyond grateful. 

I’m happy that you finally have someone. I hope she’ll treat you better than I did and I hope she’ll love you the way you deserve. Alam ko naman na deserve mo ng pagmamahal na nararapat para sayo. Yung pagmamahal na walang alinlangan. You deserve a soft love because the world has been harsh enough. I hope you make her happy too, and I hope you’ll love her the way she deserves to be loved. 

Oks oks, masyado na tong mahaba last na to talaga: You’ll always have a part of my heart Kath and that’s something that will never change. The years we’ve known each other (including our Cams and Yanna days) will always be in my heart. I will forever treasure that. I will never forget the first day I met you, the first day I went to your house on your birthday, and the last time I saw you. I hope someday, when God allows and Universe agrees, I hope we’ll see each other again and I hope you’ll allow me to give you my warmest and tightest hug when it happens. 

Also, miss ko na sobra sila Mits, Jasmine, Paochoo, Jolie, Lheojoe, Onkar, Gelo, and Ji. They gladly welcomed me into their lives kasi you are a part of theirs, and they became good friends of mine too. I miss them a lot. I wish they’re okay. 

I miss your family especially your cousins, lalo na si ate Ericka and mama Jijang. Your other pamangkins like si Yeyang and Dirk and Troy and Gave. I hope they grow up well. I miss mommy Badang, I hope she’s well and healthy. I miss tita Thess and mama G. Your family treated me like I’m their own, I will always treasure that. I miss them a lot. 

I promise this would be the last time that I’ll message you (even if the chances of you reading this message is very slim to none).  

Katherine. My hooman, my bb, my pooky, my sleepy cat, my bebi and my love, I’m finally, finally, finally letting you go. We both deserve to be happy. You deserve to be, and I know I deserve it too 😊.

Mahal na mahal na mahal kita, Katherine. Until we meet again, my greatest love. Good night! 

- Ima