I Fall Down Stairs

Nonsense.

[ivegotzooms]

Unintended Benefit of Dead Lawn

Living in So Cal, I've been convinced to let my lawn (all 5 x 20 square feet of it) go brown for the water crisis. Which is not noble on my part. My patch of lawn was barely a lawn as much as it was an attempt at grass that just didn't grow there. Now I've got an excuse to not give a crap and the HOA can't be all underwear bunched about it. But, I've realized that ceasing to water it has, anecdotally, given me the benefit of not fighting a swarm of ants this summer. As had been the custom for 10 years now. I'm worried though. Not that water conservation is a bad idea in any way. But rather, that drought friendly landscapes and astro turfed surfaces are going to cause rainfall waters to speed over our previously porous surfaces and just overwhelm the infrastructure. And that not being completely at my wits end over fighting ant invasions is going to cost me in other ways that nobody ever saw coming. I'm a delight, no? It's hard being my thoughts.

[ivegotzooms]

I want nothing more than to make deviled eggs and apply them to this vase.

[ivegotzooms]

As someone who could never understand hate, racism, unimaginable cruelty, and everything else we humans seem to do to each other with flawed logic as the armor - I've always wondered 'how did we get here and how is it possible these things happen?' Now I know. I'm 59 pages into this book and I finally understand how this happens. Everything written on the blurb page of this book is true. IT SHOULD be required reading for everyone. IT YANKS YOU OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE and places you in the figurative shoes of someone who knows first hand why these things happen. Making someone (especially a young someone) feel safe, understood, and like they matter after they have been tossed aside by those who should have done that job is an open vault within which to deposit beliefs and give them viral life. And more often than not, those with dangerous and hateful beliefs are the ones smart enough to recognize this and act on it. On the surface, it is pathetically simple and preventable. But underneath it is highly complex. It feels too much like not minding your own business and indoctrination - the kind that is undesirable and dangerous regardless of the message delivered. And nobody has the kind of time to invest in someone that those with the scary logic and beliefs have. We just hope that along the way, our schools and society in general will straighten someone out to swim in the right side of the belief ocean. I don't want to believe we just have to endure the few who act on this and hope it never becomes a majority view. Ever Again. Or that any one group or person should tell anyone what to believe, ever. And so here I sit. Understanding that much better how it happens, but all the more disheartened as to how it can possibly be prevented. Wedged even further into my couch cushion. I dislike this feeling. Autobiography of a Recovering Skinhead: The Frank Meeink Story, as told to Jody M. Roy, Ph.D.

[ivegotzooms]

You don't realize how much music sank into a malleable, pre-internet, pre-teen late 70s, early 80s brain until as an adult you see hopscotch and start yelling HIP, HOP A HIBBIE TO THE HIBBIE, WAIT, WHAT ARE THE WORDS I KNOW THIS ONE ... all Manchrian Candidate like.

[ivegotzooms]

Where am I going to find a stamp AND a penny?

[ivegotzooms]

East Jesus, Slab City, CA

[ivegotzooms]

I Boop Thee

Boopping the world on the nose. There’s so much going on I actually ‘can’t even’ and have to just reach out and boop, instead.

[mikedaugherity]

#dtla #losangeles #artist #painters #streetart #lamurals #dtlamurals #art #graffiti #spraypaintart #aerosolart #losangeles #LA

[ivegotzooms]

Great photos of DTLA street/spray/graffiti art taken mostly in the wee hours of darkness called morning but considered night by us veterans.

[ivegotzooms]

My mom, master of The Amish Internet.

[ivegotzooms]

[ivegotzooms]

Dogsitting.

Learning the hard way that a paw on the face at 6.30 am means "Feed me now, or I spend the next three hours perfectly timing my dances on your kidneys so that you think you might sleep, but you won't."

[ivegotzooms]

Yes, it will be fine in the end, but right now?  FUCK.

Those of you reading here that know me and worry about me and hug me in person - Everything Is the Same and Fine as when we last spoke - I’m just having a bit of a delayed hissy fit while I cram the never ending hours of work into this thing that I must do.

For the rest of you, I apologize for the lack of specifics, but I can’t put specifics on line for a while.

Please pardon me while I have a miniature melt-down. You’ve likely been told all of your life, as I have, that working hard and giving things up for a while lead to benefits later. And I’m talking on the decades scale, not waiting a week for a paycheck before being able to buy something.

I know life isn’t fair. Believe me, I very much get that.  I’ve dealt with some shitastic circumstances handed to me by the Earth Rock and whatever makes it go. I’ve dealt with those things and will handle them for the rest of my life. And by all accounts they are within nobody’s control. The only thing to do is manage it. I’ve struggled to keep the peace I’ve made with those circumstances from unraveling lately.

I have always worked really fucking hard. I have been ridiculously honest in my dealings with people, money, things. I’ve found large amounts of money and valuable things, and I’ve always returned them, much to the harassment of people in my life at those times who thought I was insane. I’ve always tried to help anyone I could with anything I had. Ears, funds, things, whatever I could give. I will grant you I’ve had trouble ACCEPTING help and assistance from others. But through this mess I’ve accepted a lot of help and without that - I know I’d be in a very scary place right now. So I appreciate that and thank those people so very much. 

But days like today, when I’ve spent weeks using almost every free moment to work on a thing that is the responsible road, and then I have to keep reminding myself that this thing I’m working away on may not pan out OK, that things might not work out the way that would keep me sane, then I just - I can’t - I’m so very tired. I’m so damn tired of always saying “Ah, it will work out one way or another, I’m alive and I’ve got so much else to be grateful for.” While that is the underlying truth, it’s not one I can see very clearly right now.  

I’m tired of working hard, just to find myself looking at yet another mountain to climb.

I’m tired of managing my situation.

I’m tired of doing the right thing.

I’m tired of being honest.

I’m tired of letting things roll off of my back.

I’m tired of watching those who maybe didn’t work as hard, ride off with all of the benefits.

I just want one fucking thing to not kick me in the teeth before it settles down and allows me to live this Narnia life everyone has always said is around the corner - the life one “deserves” to have, eventually.  

Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think I deserve what I’m dealing with. And if I do, would someone PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME?

BECAUSE DOING THE RIGHT THING SEEMS TO BE THE THING THAT KEEPS PUTTING ME HERE.

[ivegotzooms]

My niece couldn’t understand why there was cake in the house, if it wasn’t anyone’s birthday.

[ivegotzooms]

Outline? More like Fuckered Up Fuckery.

Outlines seem like the simplest, easiest, most logical things in the world. Until you have to write one. And then it’s all ‘DOES THIS GET A WHOLE NEW LEVEL? WAIT, WHAT DID I DO 47 PAGES AGO? JUST DO THAT. SURE, THAT MAKES SENSE, WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD? BECAUSE WHEN I APPLY 47 PAGES AGO’S LOGIC TO THIS PAGE, IT DOESN'T FIT GOD DAMMIT.’

I’d rather do math at this point.

[ivegotzooms]

Paper Tongues:   Higher and Higher

“When you step into the room/they won't be holding me down all these demons in my head /come on let's kill them with sound now we finally get a message/that we're gonna breakout I say we wrestle with the angels/till they give us a crown you see...”

Rando lyrics for you to scroll on by.Through.They won’t mean anything to anyone else, and that’s ok. Quite lovely, actually. 

[ivegotzooms]

"It's the end of the world, and all I want is more syrup."

My hungover friend this morning, upon having one more pancake left on her plate and no more syrup in the tiny container that came with it.

[ivegotzooms]

Making An Appointment

I’m making an appointment with an attorney so I can write up a will, because I’m pretty sure I’m going to expire 3 minutes into CHSH. Whether I go by freezing to death or hugging wrong person in the wrong way, I’m all good as long as I get to lick Linda.

Robin, Robin, Robin do-over, are you gonna be there? You are a must lick too.

I even have a date tomorrow afternoon (the public getting to know you analysis stage of what to do with a complete stranger falling into your life) with a guy who approached me when I was at a movie theater by myself.

Lots of reasons for will writing.