Yes, it will be fine in the end, but right now? FUCK.
Those of you reading here that know me and worry about me and hug me in person - Everything Is the Same and Fine as when we last spoke - I’m just having a bit of a delayed hissy fit while I cram the never ending hours of work into this thing that I must do.
For the rest of you, I apologize for the lack of specifics, but I can’t put specifics on line for a while.
Please pardon me while I have a miniature melt-down. You’ve likely been told all of your life, as I have, that working hard and giving things up for a while lead to benefits later. And I’m talking on the decades scale, not waiting a week for a paycheck before being able to buy something.
I know life isn’t fair. Believe me, I very much get that. I’ve dealt with some shitastic circumstances handed to me by the Earth Rock and whatever makes it go. I’ve dealt with those things and will handle them for the rest of my life. And by all accounts they are within nobody’s control. The only thing to do is manage it. I’ve struggled to keep the peace I’ve made with those circumstances from unraveling lately.
I have always worked really fucking hard. I have been ridiculously honest in my dealings with people, money, things. I’ve found large amounts of money and valuable things, and I’ve always returned them, much to the harassment of people in my life at those times who thought I was insane. I’ve always tried to help anyone I could with anything I had. Ears, funds, things, whatever I could give. I will grant you I’ve had trouble ACCEPTING help and assistance from others. But through this mess I’ve accepted a lot of help and without that - I know I’d be in a very scary place right now. So I appreciate that and thank those people so very much.
But days like today, when I’ve spent weeks using almost every free moment to work on a thing that is the responsible road, and then I have to keep reminding myself that this thing I’m working away on may not pan out OK, that things might not work out the way that would keep me sane, then I just - I can’t - I’m so very tired. I’m so damn tired of always saying “Ah, it will work out one way or another, I’m alive and I’ve got so much else to be grateful for.” While that is the underlying truth, it’s not one I can see very clearly right now.
I’m tired of working hard, just to find myself looking at yet another mountain to climb.
I’m tired of managing my situation.
I’m tired of doing the right thing.
I’m tired of being honest.
I’m tired of letting things roll off of my back.
I’m tired of watching those who maybe didn’t work as hard, ride off with all of the benefits.
I just want one fucking thing to not kick me in the teeth before it settles down and allows me to live this Narnia life everyone has always said is around the corner - the life one “deserves” to have, eventually.
Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think I deserve what I’m dealing with. And if I do, would someone PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME?
BECAUSE DOING THE RIGHT THING SEEMS TO BE THE THING THAT KEEPS PUTTING ME HERE.