i think tomorrow i might get my shit together. need to stop snacking in secret and buying loads of shit food. i love food and eating is the only thing that brings me joy at the moment. however looking in the mirror is not bringing me joy. i should use the abundance of free time i have now eating less and exercising more so that when im out of lockdown i can eat and drink and chill with my boyfriend. im trying to do this in a healthy, non-hating my body way, but it is hard when my motivation isnt due to my health its due to my dislike of my appearance. i will keep you updated but i might go for a walk/run tomorrow and see how that goes. i really dont want to feel like a failure if i go once and never again though and my relationship with food has always been bad but im not purging at the moment so im gaining weight from it. my back is what has made me feel like this, catching it in the mirror christmas day i was so upset i changed my bra twice because the fat just hung over the bit that goes round the back. i know its not that bad in reality and it really doesnt matter even if it is bad but i often feel so unconfident now due to just wearing sobbly clothes and being spotty and greasy and smelly all the time as im not leaving the house at all anymore. half of me just wants to change the way i see myself and half of me wants to change the way i look. im not happy with either and neither is easy.
well its feb 12th, ive kept up a calorie deficit and running 3 times a week since i made this post. 11th of feb i went over for harrys birthday and today i had birthday cake for breakfast so ive struggled the rest of the day. really hungry and caring less about what i eat, still tracking it on the app but thinking i wont care about sauces and extras at tea time. valentines day sunday so will probably go over then aswell. 12 stone 4lb to 11 stone 9lb so far. i want to get down to 10 stone 13lb ideally. but the goal at the moment is 11 stone 4lb so ive reached a stone, 5lb to go, probably will take another 5 weeks. just hope having 11th and 14th of feb off doesnt ruin it. dont want healthy eating and exercising to ruin the fun things in my life but also want to lose weight, so its tricky - all whilst trying to maintain a healthy relationship with food and my body!!!!
01/04/2021 here. i did get down to 11 stone 4lbs a couple week back now im at 11 stone 5lbs comfortably. im not restricting what i eat that much anymore and not being strict with the calorie counting. trying to just view food as whats typically healthy or not and eating what my body needs. havent gone for a run this week either which has felt odd but as long as im not gaining weight, im happy with my size now, for now at least
