voyage

[timeout]

“No urban night is like the night there… squares after squares of flame, set up and cut into the aether. Here is our poetry, for we have pulled down the stars to our will.”

[mykknzw]

[izzatiazmin]

supp

[n5fw]

[izzatiazmin]

cystal is kudat.

[izzatiazmin]

superman without cape. 

women without aid

dress her own wound 

comfort her own heartache 

oh how long?

oh how long? can she do it, she said 

so she ran and climb and tires her body off today 

so she can get some dopamine, yeay

for hours she stare at the ocean

at the end tip of the land, oversee that idiana ocean

she think..

her relationship

her carreer

her family 

her friends

her goals 

her dream

she have a lot of dream 

she chant that ‘she can do it, she can do it, she will get it’ 

she swear to stick to it. 

Now we all shall wish her..

All the best 

May the force be with you

Preserve at hard times

Patience and discipline

You will do great 

You will ace and get it alright! 

Ah man? 

she control her own happiness

she can't control them

so she decide that she don't need them to be happy. 

she will try,, at least. 

[viedefemme15]

[keyframedaily]

Happy 75th, Hayao Miyazaki.

[izzatiazmin]

People don't believe me. 

Aha, only in this one part of life. 

No one ever confess. 

Nope. Nada. Zero. Zilch. 

Sometimes i wonder, is it me? 

Aha you don't believe me. 

Im perfectly fine. 

I in fact enjoying life. 

But you see, things get lonely sometimes. 

And when that cold wind blow, they grip, tightly. 

To the bone. 

and suddenly everything look so empty. 

Aha you don't believe me, 

That i had to use all my might, 

All positivity i had left to bounce back. 

That I have to console and dress my own wound 

every single time the cold wind scarred me. 

Aha you don't believe me, 

You think I'm choosy

You think I put on high expectation 

You think I’m belittling people

Im not. 

I don't get it too. 

But honestly, 

Im done looking for that future someone. 

Dear no one, 

Im done. 

Dear one, 

Im freaking right here and you’re blind. 

Im done. 

Im seriously done. 

[izzatiazmin]

Today, 

Great weather for picnic, or just stay at home and enjoy the wind. There I was, post call, trying to figure life again. On my couch, pacific ocean breeze blow softly, and I thought Im blessed. Im so blessed with so many thing yet so little that I thanked Allah. One of the great blessing a human could have is a best friend, I feel so thankful to have that. Thou I a difficult person, I take more then I give, yet Im too blessed to have one or few that’re really close to me. 

The thought of loosing it is unbearable. Marriage come, then kids, etc. I don't like this feeling. 

[lionofallah-deactivated20180301]

[izzatiazmin]

so

so you don't want vaccination

so you don't want medical intervention for your ‘natural’ birth, 

I'm fine, 

I’m damn fine with it as long as

You dont bring your child to my clinic for any reason at all 

Had complication arise while delivering your precious one, go on, go all the way natural, ask those naturalist how do you manage child born limp, apneic. 

Im on call today, Lord know what we doctors have to went through daily, my on call is working 36 hours straight, halfway through my energy usually reach minimum. The last thing I want to see is those who don't want to help themselves and worst; making irresponsible decision for their unborn child. 

Go, Go all the way with it, see if you like your choices. 

Im done with being miss nice doctor. 

[izzatiazmin]

breaking point

Numb 

when a patient complain of numbness, they can't really tell how it feels like. Which exactly how it suppose to be. The inability to feel things. There are a few degree, unable to feel the pin, or the cotton and sometimes both. 

Me? 

Im the patient now. 

I don't feel a thing. 

Or maybe I'm feeling a little to much to the point of you don't have any feeling left. 

It’s not numbness. 

It’s a state of complete uninterested towards anything. Anything at all. 

Waking up every morning is a real challenge. 

I question. 

Why do I have to wake up? Why do I have to go to work? Why do I have to review the patients? Why do I have to fill my clinic duty? Why do I have to drive back to work? Why do I have to be in medical? 

I dont hate my work. Im just not interested. Medical is a very demanding field. Surrounded with passionate people, who’re chasing for papers and papers, to be specialist as soon as possible. And then there’s you, standing there, smiling halfheartedly whispering ‘yeah good for you, whatever’. Not a single endorphin released to stimulate some eagerness to learn something new, to go home and master the topics. Not a single neuron excite. 

If I were given choices, I choose to drop both. Im suppose to study for my august paper so that I can pass the exam and leave the department, but at the same time i need to master and read internal medicine subjects because I need to stop feeling blur all the time when Im facing a diagnosis dilemma/symptoms/syndromes. So what do I do? I sleep. What happen when I sleep, I hate myself the next day for making that decision, hoping today will get better, but I know it too well that nothing is going to change. Im right. 

Stubborn. 

Very stubborn. Change, to me is hard. The hardest. Almost impossible. 

Im not interested in a relationship. 

Im not interested in finding a spouse or building a family. Im not sure at which point, but yes, at this moment of time, I just couldn't care less. 

I question. 

Why must I hunt? Why must i actively seek for it? How can you force a feeling? Why must you settle for less, just because you’re chasing for ‘time’? If it’s for you, it will eventually find you. Sound like a lazy person? Precisely.

Im not interested,

What clothes to wear tomorrow? 

What food to eat?

Where should I eat?

What’s to cook today?

What’s cords/ song should I practice? 

No book spark an interest in me, 

No quotes have a power to bring me to epiphany. 

To make it worst 

I sort of give up with myself. 

I can't do this. 

Funny, this morning I even question..

I question, 

Why Im not dead yet? 

Living with of no sensation of hot, warm, thankful, happy, excite, determination, passion, resilient, robust, is equal to zombified. 

How I despise myself now, you have no idea.

[izzatiazmin]

rate vs time

At the rate I'm going now, 

Looking at my commitment and workload at medical department now, 

From EOD calls, passive weekend ward rounds, clinics, 

If feel like it’s impossible to catchup with basic science study 

Leading to, the prospect of sitting and passing my BSE on august is bad. 

It looked bleached. 

They say, it’s ok, you get paid for your calls. 

NO, I want time! I dont need money that much now

Or is it need to desperately learn how to be super efficient and stingy with my time. 

[izzatiazmin]

just in case, and you know that.  

what’s with this special spot? 

[izzatiazmin]

Et. 1

called mom, 

‘’whatchu doing mom?’’

‘’Just moving some vase at the garden. Who know, someone might come to ask for your hand’’

‘’Perfffffff, whatever mom’’ 

Im in what-ever phase. I’ll make something of my life, why one must stress on getting married? 

Et. 2

Im borderline giving up on this country, with ridiculous lavish life of minister yet counting days to press the rakyat even more by implementing GST. Prime minister just bought new private jet, WTF. 

Et. 3

I need help. I just don't know how to make medical department enjoyable. Im like useless MO nowadays. Man.. how i despise ward round. Yes I know I’ll learn a lot in medical and stuff, but yeah. Dear self, just suck it and deal with it will you?!! 

Et. 4 

I need cheerful song. I noticed my playlist song are about breakups, living better-without-you, etc etc. what up with that? well yeah, those song tend to have beautiful guitar picks, but really girl, you need energy.

Things are getting more ridiculous everyday. 

Im getting more ridiculous everyday. 

[nyuun]