Izzie's Thoughts @izzincognito - Tumblr Blog

5/8/25

I'm starting to feel the depression sink in again. Maybe cuz I switched to different meds to feel my libito again. I hope it's worth it cuz it's gonna be a tough month for me. I went to the SHW bathroom just in case I felt like crying. Nothing came. Maybe later? I remember a time I used to schedule cries but I haven't had the urge to really let it out in a while. Not unless it's over a movie or something.

I know I shouldn't blame my cycle but damn if men had a period then it would be more valid.

Since I've weened off my meds I'm starting to get more dreams again. This time I remember lying in bed getting cuddled my Miguel and Evans enters the room to join us. It felt like it was E's aunties house

They exchange a few words and my eyes can start to see E in multiples like I somehow needed glasses to gaze upon him.

E leaves for a moment and M also stands telling me that he doesn't like him. E returns and sits down as M and I but our clothes back on. M storms out to leave. I go over to E and give him a causal kiss before I go after M.

I wonder sometimes if the last conversation with my therapist is ringing around in my head. About how E provided me a sense of grounding during my days fueled by anxiety and depression. Now I feel like I'm doing the same thing but the roles are reversed with M.

Maddie and I talked for hours on the phone sharing our experiences with miggys outbursts.

I felt like we had very similar feedback and it felt great to be validated by them through the argument they had today.

Miggy just mad he double booked a sleepover and he could have EASILY avoided this.

Then he texted again that he would break up with both of us and I'm honestly fucking tired of it.

So when I tell him I don't want to sleep over cuz I need to decompress, it's now a problem. Now I'm abandoning him.

Miggy complained about Maddie having a melt down for the first time. And he goes and does this shit whenever he feels stressed. It feels like bull and hypocritical dumb shit.

What I allow is what will continue. I come back to that phrase.

If anything I'm just really glad that Maddie and I are talking. I went through my sadness but I never felt anger or took them the wrong way. I know they have their own way of communicating or showing emotion when they have the energy to. I just tend to overthink the small things.

When I voiced my sadness miggy inturpurted it as that I was replaced and become irrelevant to Maddie's life.

Which I was 100% going to accept. But the truth is very far from that.

I felt like I was dragged into a pit of his assumptions. And it was overwhelming.

I'm glad I didn't sleepover even though he apparently ran off into the forest for a couple hours and turned off his location and phone.

I need rest. I just danced off a bunch of emotion. I can't wait to use it as fuel for my workout later.

I brought that migraine med that Maddie let me hold on to. They turned it down saying it might be expired. But it wasn't. Then they said they don't know how it was stored. It was in my house.

They reluctantly took it. Then left it. I asked them before they left and said they were going to throw it out.

I guess that's where we are now. Thrown out.

I hesitated to throw it away outside the pub. I feel like if they need it I could have one. But when am I going to ever make that effort to reconnect with someone who doesn't want me around? The distance is deafening.

Miguel only juggling what he has between basic strangers now.

I almost feel like him and I are at different parts in our lives. And it hurt before. Now it just feels like a fact I need to accept.

Maddie will go on without me. And I feel like that's fine. Even though we had plans for all of us to live together. I dont want that anymore. I don't want to be where I'm not wanted. Where there'll be tension. Where I'm locked out of a room without notice because they're having sex. Like what would the sleeping arrangement be?

I was fine because it was temporary. But the more I read about solo polyamory the more I identify with that.

I woke up with that post anger fatigue. The one I haven't let myself express in a long time. The kind that creeps up into tears of rage and unfiltered fury that I could only allow myself to see.

Day after.

What you allow is what will continue

I don't have anything against the 3some as long as I'm not part of it. I'm not going on this trip with that intention. Especially if I'm gonna most likely be on my period.

But I shouldn't have to made to feel guilty over this boundary.

They are free to do what they wish. His problem is that I'm not part taking in something I'm not comfortable doing.

This feels silly being in the diner waiting for both of them

Like they're on the same team

What you allow is what will continue

I don't have anything against the 3some as long as I'm not part of it. I'm not going on this trip with that intention. Especially if I'm gonna most likely be on my period.

But I shouldn't have to made to feel guilty over this boundary.

They are free to do what they wish. His problem is that I'm not part taking in something I'm not comfortable doing.

This feels silly being in the diner waiting for both of them

Like they're on the same team

I'm tired of childishness

If I don't want a fucking 3 some with my ex then that should be enough of a reason

Just cuz it's your birthday doesn't mean you always have to have your way

Did I have my way for my birthday? No

Because hi hello I'm not gonna be down for everything you want to do

Because hi hello I'm tired of being seen as an object to entertain your free time

I'm fucking tired

From the start I knew w were on the same page. I felt like we could say it how it is and not hold back

But after that night I felt like I was tested in this cruel way. To choose to be with you or destroy something we could have had.

I know we have been through hard times and going through what you have. It's not something I take lightly and I'm always going to feel sorry for what I've done haunt me. The fact that you felt forced to open up about your sexual abuse still makes me feel like a sick person for condoning it. I should have stopped you. I didn't need to hear you through the pain. I know it still hurts you and makes you fearful of anyone who tries to know you. It's a part of you that can't be earsed but I know you're so much more that what you have been through. You're a strong, sarcastic Lil shit that keeps it real. You have stared straight in the eyes of death and said fuck that. You have had your heart broken so many times that you can't count on your fingers. You have gone through so much. But you can still do it.

At the end of it all I know you can do it without me. I've hurt you and confused you. I made you feel like you weren't enough. And I I can't put into words how that is far from the truth. But I've seen how much you have merged yourself into those who get close you. And that why I have to let you go. The fact that you felt like you had to beg on you knees for someone who didn't give a fuck about how you or I felt. To have it happen over again. I makes me feel like I didn't know better..

I have partners who would get rid with of me so easily based on superficial standards. That I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, not funny, not what they needed me to be.

I don't want the same thing for you. I want you to grow into what you love. I want you to feel the passion for what or who you grow to see. I want you to understand that it's something I truly want from the bottom of my heart.

I will always love you. I don't know when, but I know it will happen eventuality.

Lately, I felt distance from you. I have communicated this time again. I felt like the dates that we had, had merit but just felt like a patch in our relationship. We used to laugh and feel comfortable. The times we often come back to talking about..

We have laughed and cried about everything we felt from the start. I felt safe like I was heard and seen. From that night I cried about my own worries with my family and Lydia. To the feelings I almost couldn't hold back from Anthea and your situation. It was a lot to hold on to. The fact that I had to be this carrier of feelings. The strong one that had to make excuses and lie to the people I held important in my life. From that, recalling what it evenually felt to be Colly.

To hold on to so much and to go through so much shit from family. (It was anytime I dated) To feeling an obligation to the ones who really heard me.

I know she did some terrible things but I can only assume she did what she did because she was tired.i only heard stories of how she was such a horrible person because she stabbed you with a fork. Which is still not great but it makes me wonder. What lead her go do something as drastic as that?

But other than that it's because she was too drunk and you had to make sure she was ok.

But after that night...

I was at the point where I was defeated. I felt helpless. The feeling of being in past relationships had flooded back to me. I have tested what I can handle and overexposed myself to insensitivity. More oftenly, I have felt a large disconnect that has not been resolved. And after the other night, I felt like I had a flashback from my other relationships. I am not going to be disrespected again. I am at my limit. And I can sit here and talk about all the subtle or obvious ways. But I'm unhappy and I have been for a long time. It all started with the pressure of Bash. And the emotional termoil I had to endure from the repetitive emotional dumping. And I'm at my limit. After being able to throw away our relationship at a whim of something that I wasn't even there for. I am done. Believe anything you want about me. That I'm an alcoholic, a shitty person for trying to figure out what I'm feeling, to someone who was taken advantage of. Multiple times. I'm done. I'm grown. I have seen my fair share of bullshit and I've gotten stronger because of it. I could punch a mf to the ground.

But above all else, I just needed to know that we could be there for each other. And I felt like might have been the case.

I dreamed that e was next to me after exploring inside a building with stain glass floors which had perfect small round holes. The road let me find him. And we laid there peacefully. Letting our bodies touch. Being close to him felt like ease. I remember asking, "are you open to the idea of sex?" and he said yes. Then parted ways.

Tonight was the opening to footloose. I sat next to Maddie and I felt like intiated every kind of conversation with them. Even sitting next to them I feel further away. I ask about spending time with them, the food crawl my brothers graduation. They'd get back to me. They don't have the energy for me. Or that's what I'm getting based on the initiative I've been putting in. And I'm getting tired. My energy got so drained.

As soon as the shoe ended they went to greet mig with Ty. The first thing they said was "I need a drink," "let's get drunk."

After the conversation about not drinking around me, they do. They've gotten lax with it. And honestly the whole thing just makes me feel like they don't care about what they do. Because I was the problem. Mig kisses me with his tequila mouth. I feel replused. He made a fuss over me having a sip of scotch back at p and js house. And he told me I can't have a lick of alcohol. But then again, he could kiss me with a liquored face.

The one time mad and I are alone was washing our hands in the bathroom. I said "how you doing?" they said "chillin" and walked out. That's when it really hit me hard. It felt so subtle but they hurried out. We used to take pictures and hang out. Actually talk. What are we anymore?

I come back to find them close to mig giving smiles at him and actually talking. It feels like a fucking slap to the face.

I'm frustrated. And I leave early. Mad doesn't want to have a sleepover if I'm in it. But they are together tonight. I feel icky.

I know it's going to take time but fuck the fact that mad literally shows no interest in my life or starts a conversation is disheartening. I actually hate this feeling. Like quality time and closeness is what I need to feel secure. I'm not getting that. So I'm not going to stay where I'm not getting that energy.

I'm thinking if I should just break it off. They hug me goodbye and says see you later. But when do we ever?

I feel like I'm consistently feeling emotionally constipated. Every emotion I ever bring up feels like a burden, the interactions have been getting progressively heavier and draining. Maybe it's because I don't know how to schedule accordingly or have a consistent plan. Although plans are nice to have I feel like its a trade off, like it feels like a loss of spontaneity and excitement. I like going with the flow. I sometimes like that I have no idea what the day is going to be like because it gives me this idea of freedom. Lately plans make me feel anxious. Like I have to emotionally prepare myself for them which I don't always do. But it has been something coming up a lot for me. The pressure to be somewhere and say things and do things. This massive amount of expectation to be happy when there just feels like so much anxiety around me..

I feel like the only time I feel like myself now is when I'm by myself. There's no factors to think about, no limits to what I can accomplish, no rules to where I can and can't go. But there are the downsides of course. The spirals, doubts, fears, insecurities.

I feel like I'm disconnected from you both more so than ever. Of course, I've taken my space. This allowed you both to get closer than before. Maybe it was unintentionally setting my self up for failure and to feel so disconnected. But I feel like my absence feels like a good thing for both of you. When we do hang out together I feel like I'm just third wheeling or being a cockblock like I've been told many times. After a while, it got to me. I felt hurt. I felt invisible. Even when I talk about my day or something I feel like I'm being talked over and the subject changes, now I feel shut down. I don't feel like I belong. It's something I've always generally struggled with in life and trying to work through. Even though I can do so much on my own, I want to feel wanted. Even if I shut down, I want to know you still care.

I feel like physical touch is a major part of my love language. Words of affirmation, quality time. I feel like I got frustrated that my needs weren't being met. I acted out and I'm truly sorry that you both saw me like that. Adding whiskey to the mix with my frustration just added a layer of unnecessary stress and crossing boundaries. Ultimately making a mess out of what was supposed to be a happy memory.

So I isolated myself. Because I felt like I was the problem. I know Miguel says that "we love you and miss you" but it feels empty. Especially when Maddie isnt the one to say it and he's just speaking on your behalf.

I want to know how to move forward. But there are so many doubts in my mind right now. I felt shitty that I went overboard and then I saw you guys went out to get drunk together. Or how you guys made really good soup. I felt left out. I know logically I was asking for space. But I still would like the invite. I want to know that I'm still considered even if you don't know what's going on with me. Because I would do the same for you. I guess that's the way you can support me. Let me know that you still care or want me around.

Because I feel like lately it's just been radio silence between Maddie and I. The energy is just so confusing and I don't know how to have deeper conversations with you. It doesn't feel like we're together. After the trip I just felt like I was the problem but I had no idea how to repair or reconnect or make things right. I'm consistently told that I don't understand anything about you both. And it's frustrating because even if I don't know what it's like to be OCD or have the same health issues, I feel like my attempts to empathize gets tossed aside. I feel like I don't matter at all when I tried.

I've just been trying to understand where I stand in this relationship because I don't feel like a main partner. I don't know if we see each other on an equal plain field in terms of priority. So far, I feel like I've taken a back seat because you both consistently make plans without me. I just find out about it at the last moment so I just go back to doing my own thing.

Cuz all I do is work and stay home. My update is that I'm doing the same thing every day. Wake up, brush my teeth, drink my energy, go talk to 100+ per day, work out, go home. I have classes and I have more privates because I don't have to think about if I have a date or an obligation. Both of you already have each other and have connected so well. I wish I knew how I could do that. I used to feel close to both of you but I guess with every comment about how I don't get it and with every interrupted conversation, I feel less and less. And I don't want to deal with that.

I don't want to fall into silence. I don't want to feel frustrated. I don't want to walk on eggshells. I don't want to feel like I can't talk to you.

The more I'm away, the less complicated thought that keeps coming up is to just break up. I know that's my fight or flight kicking in at over drive. But what I really want to know is how we can move forward. Because so far my hopes are underground. There's nothing I'm actually contributing to this relationship. And I feel like I'm questioning my worth continuously. I feel like I'm constantly wrong or not getting it. It's a void. And I'm sad.

The end.

I'm in a relationship with Maddie but it doesn't feel like it. Ever since our trip, I feel like I don't know how to be with them. Should I be the one to initiate?

They told me that if they're not told a problem they think everything is fine. But I don't think they're telling the truth. They can read situations like I can. They can feel a drift between us. Maybe we're not meant to be together.

I think it's also because that I don't put as much effort into seeing them. I'm afraid that I'm crossing boundaries. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells because of it. And I've felt this way before. It never ends up alright. But I have to be candid.

After everything that's happened, I feel like I'm not truly with you. I want to be close to you. I wanted to be. But it feels like I have tainted happy memories. Like I have been meddling with the connection that you both have. I feel like I'm not happy. I wanted to be. I wanted to be invested but I think I haven't been the person you needed me to be. I care about you. But I need to assess and reflect on how I can be better. I know in my heart that I'm not an angry or pushy person. The fact that it came out and made such spectacles - - it's not someone I am proud of. And I can not express how deeply sorry I am for how I acted. But I know it has impacted they way you see me. It has impacted the way I see myself and how I carry myself. It makes me sad. I feel like I've been pushed away but I know it's mostly how I have perceived it. I know you care. And I do too. But it seems like we care in different ways.

This is protecting myself and you. I know in my heart that I will always love and treasure the times we've had together. But I feel like my time in your lives have ended. It always felt like it's something weighing on me that I refused to admit. But there is so much that I feel like I have left on this journey that looks better if I'm not in it.

I don't belong with them

I'm drinking alone again

Relearning that I don't have to be with anyone because it's too much for me. Letting people close just means they see the dark side of me. When they are so used to seeing my sunshine they won't help but see anything else.

My time has with them has ended. I feel like they'd be better off without me. I feel like I can say it plainly that I will hurt. I will cry. I feel like I will now because even though they care, even though they are in my life, I'm still alone anyway.

I handle everything alone. I do all of this alone so does it even really make a difference?

I drink because I'm alone. I feel like solitude has been my friend for so long that I don't know how to open up to anyone.

But that doesn't mean I'm not a loving person. It just means I have to set boundaries on what I can handle. A patient told me the other day that their wife has OCD and has been married over 20 years. It wears you down. It puts so much restriction on where you are.

I've put all this time. All this effort. Again. And I know it's apart of life but fuck does it hurt any less?

Last night I had a dream of Evans and it was so pleasant. Like there wasn't a care in the world between us. I know it's a fantasy. It's something my mind made up to give me comfort. To give me a sense of belonging with another. Harmony.

But it's an illusion. Something my mind made to make up for the stress I'm feeling from reality. That I have some more ways to go before I can really feel secure.

You let him carry you over your shoulder and pick you up. Getting closer to you than I have. The moment I sit next to you, somehow it's a problem.

You feel like you need to protect them from me. Like I don't understand what they say even though there are moments you won't remember what you said at all.

If I'm going to be treated as a bad guy that isn't capable of understanding, I won't want to be apart of this.

I thought I knew what it meant to be a partner for you both. But clearly it has come up too many times for me to assume otherwise.

Every time there is a situation where we don't agree with each other, I understand that we handle it in different ways. However, I haven't found a time where it was Maddie that points it all out. And some of which feels like it's about me not understanding. And it has been often.

I was more than willing to learn and relearn how to be but I can't be the one. I have my own struggles and problems. And it may not be as clear as yours, I fight them every single day. Even if I'm not wearing it on my face, I fight my battles alone every time.

I don't ask for help, I don't ask for pity. The fact that I don't put all my pain out on display is what probably has separated us.

Because so far, it feels like pain and misfortune has separated us. I don't have to constantly think of bad times. Even if I do, those are what makes me feel like I can't talk about it. That it's too much. That it's made us too unrelatable.

I truly hope that you find a happiness only found in the way you know. It's something I felt coming for some time. I know you feel like we're done. And we are. I felt it too. We had a connection once upon a time but I realize it was only to make me like you. It was an illusion. Something to make me feel safe when it wasn't. But I'll be the bad guy in the end. As I always will be. The bad guy that didn't understand you. The crazy one. It was only a matter of time before I saw you for who you truly are.

I sleep alone tonight. Without Maddie or Miggy. Because I don't see the boundaries. Because I got too close. Because I got too comfortable. I have become the problem. I will be the problem.

I will just be alone. I never wanted to be cold or unfeeling. I won't be. I will be who I am. I will be who I have always been. A loving, warm passionate person. Someone who longs for life and laughter. Who has a dark humor but able to see the good in others. I am strong. I am capable. I will succeed through the bullshit that has been handed to me.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Izzie's Thoughts