Things don’t feel real. Surprise grief is a strange time. I hesitate to even type it because I know it’ll make me cry again. My instinct is to downplay it and list all of the positives - Nana was almost 93, she had her mind and humour until the end, she didn’t have to go through a long illness or hospital or even assisted living, which she’d of hated. I last saw her on Christmas, we watched Oliver! together, she was singing along and loved it. My mum saw her on Friday, then my dad went round on Saturday and she was gone. I have to believe it was quick and painless, it was just her time for some reason. It isn’t fair, everyone thought she’d live into her hundreds, she was that kind of person. It still hasn’t fully sunk in, I don’t know if it ever will. One day she’s alive and well then suddenly we’ll never see her again. She was the best Nana ever, so funny and clever, brutally honest. Anyone who met her loved her. This is so horrible and strange and I don’t know how to be.
I was with my sister, we’d just left the Divas exhibition at the V&A, learning about all of these iconic women though history. Then my mum called, I could tell something bad had happened from my sisters reaction - my mind went to all of the worst case scenarios, deaths that would’ve shattered my entire life, I was so scared. I didn’t expect it to be her, I wanted it to be the cat. We stood sobbing and hugging in the V&A courtyard, then sat down not knowing what to do. We walked looking for a pub, but it was 11:30 and the nearest one wasn’t open yet, so we settled for a pastel de nata. They gave them to us in little boxes with Poor Things on it, which felt very personal. The custard tart told us “they must not be eaten dainty flake by dainty flake, but inhaled with gusto, like life itself’.
I’m seeing Poor Things tonight, and will get more pastel de natas for the occasion as it appears to be relevant. I keep crying at my desk at work today, luckily it’s quiet. I had an awkward ‘how was your weekend’ ‘good… well, no my grandma died.. it’s fine though I got to spend time with family it’s fine.’ So now I’m just saying ‘good thanks’ it’s too much I don’t know how to share it. I just found out my Nana’s brother, my great uncle, died yesterday too. It’s all happening.
I’ve been listening to Barbra Streisand’s audiobook all day, i’ve been trying to get through it for weeks, she can ramble on a bit…. But now it’s the only thing that feels appropriate to lose myself in. I just did a long lunchtime walk up to St Paul’s, put on some nice lipstick and blush in Space NK, walked back through Borough Market. There was a crowd of people getting off a bus, I assumed tourists but as I walked through I realised it was a film crew with Lena Dunham and her husband. I saw she’s making a new series with Will Sharpe and Meg Stalter, maybe they were there too. I stopped and gasped and then carried on walking, daydreaming about the alternate version of myself who would’ve introduced myself and given compliments. Maybe next time.
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