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sad

I can't stop crying. I reached out to emilie. I wish I didn't but I was just needing more closure. its weird going on with life knowing the one person you thought would be in your life forever is gone. and I know it's for the best, but part of me wanted us to rekindle our friendship. but ultimately knew it would never happen. my life is so full these days and im so excited that I have turned a page for me. however I did reach out to her and it was the most unexpected conversation EVER. I can't stop crying. she's the type of person I would never be friends with. I know she's upset with me, but she just seemed so different and it's not the type of person I would've ever dreamt she'd become. its heartbreaking. I ended up sharing that I was sorry for how I ended our friendship and that I never wanted to hurt her. I told her that I would always care for her and her well being. now she's moving to florida with these news friends that honestly seem like the type of people she would've made fun of. now she's cursing up a storm so casually. I just feel like she's making a huge mistake, but hopefully someone in florida comes into her life and makes a huge impact on her life and brings her back to Christ. she's forever on my prayer list now. her new life has stunned me. she's not the friend I had. my friend would never sleep around just because. my friend lived a calm and quiet life, but made it fun for herself. im just sad for her new life. it honestly makes me worried for her.

update from the last couple years

so it's been a hot minute since i've been on here. not sure where I left off, but so much has changed in my life. over the last 5 years I got really close to this one friend. we spent every waking moment together. and as the time passed I realized I wasn't close to my family like I used to be. I lost most friendships. and no one wanted to be around me and this other friend. and I couldn't pin point why. then I realized that maybe it's her. maybe they all still like me. so slowly but surely started to test out my theory. I started seeing my other friends w/o her and all was well. it was normal and fun. every time I hung out with the one friend things were fine but it never really felt the same. I began to notice red flags which startled me. I hated the way she controlled me. I hated the way she would get mad about the smallest things and yell at me. there was so much disfunction in our friendship. I also forgot to mention, my family hated that I was friends with her. we began to have conversations here and there about creating healthy boundaries. I remember expressing to her that we didn't need to see or talk every day, but for her she hated that. and every time we had these conversations she would cry and tell me not to leave her. and then I would feel bad and those boundaries never stuck. it was so hard, she would guilt trip me all the time. she was very controlling in that way. I wanted out but didn't know how. the last time we hung out was spring break (March) 2024 on the last day. and it really wasn't all that fun. I would've rather been with someone else. so the rest of the month goes by and I have hard conversations with my mom and sisters about this stale friendship. they all encourage me to leave and get out. I spend a lot of time praying and seeking the Lord. in the end I truly wanted the friendship to just fizzle out and I just stop talking to her, but that's not how things went. in April 2024 I received a text from her asking why I never texted her happy birthday the day before. and honestly I just forgot to text her unintentionally. but I took the opportunity and sadly just texted her back ending our friendship. after lots of thoughts and prayers I sorta just felt like this would be hard on any day that I would do this and I knew that I would be hurting her regardless, so I went for it. before sending the text I read it to my sisters to make sure it sounded polite enough. and of course she was beyond mad and couldn't understand where I was coming from. its like she completely forgot all of our conversations and things that have gone wrong between us. and honestly I felt so free. after this happened I really reconnected with my other friends and was able to apologize to them for all the wrong that I had caused. and of course they all were like we always liked you, we didn't like her. they also said I became like her and no one liked being around me because of that. since then i've had an amazing rest of the year and have grown so much. I even got re-baptized in July. second best decision I made for myself this year. I needed it to grow closer to God. what has been hard is coming to the holidays and I don't have my one friend to do all those traditions with. but I continue to move on and push through. over christmas one of my fav traditions we always did was to count ugly christmas lights. so I decided to continue this for myself because I enjoy it. and for about a month I have been updating this count on a notes page that has the count from the last several years. just when i feel like im starting to really heal on jan 1, 2025 I get this really nasty notification from her on this notes page. I haven't talked to her in 10 months and this is how she spoke to me. she was the one who was always cracking down on me if I ever cursed. she also would never type that out and she typed it out and im just so hurt by it. maybe I shouldn't be hurt by this, but it is just shocking to me that she would do this. I completely forgot that this notes page was shared to her too. anyways thats my update...that was long.

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Ashely (left) and Mary-Kate in How the West Was Fun

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You are going to make it through 2020. Trust me.

God Bless - KJ

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