«I'm the Villainess and Now I Have to Avoid my Assassin! or "The (Un)fortunate Life of Lady du Randier"»
Lohen x f!reader otomeisekai AU
Chapter 4 of the series. If this is your first time seeing this post and are interested in the story, I suggest starting with Chapter 1 !
cw: honestly none. Bit of overthinking, Lohen being Lohen.
No ETA on next chapter tbh...
A/N: Sorry for taking a bit more time to release this chapter, shit happened and the place I was in didn't allow pcs or phones for over 2 hours a day. Did my best ! I hope you enjoy this one! Also tried to proofread this time, so it is in fact an option. No nsfw in here, we be chillin'.
The Nicoloid has been secured for my c6-r1-to-be Lohen. More pulls are on the way. We are getting that man.
Word count: 10k(?)
Chapter 4: Straight out of a novel.
The funeral had gone just as they usually do; a grim tone, lots of crying, and a very well-timed rain to accompany the sounds of sorrow surrounding you. Looking at the grave, you did not find it in you to cry behind your veil. As much as Flins had been a terrifying “man”, he probably also had friends, a family to care for him. But not you. What had terrified you when you saw his body for the first time was not the horror of realising it was in fact him, but the gruesome image and the smell that came with it. You cared very little for him as a person; at the end of the day, he was just another suitor.
In yet another display of gallantry, Lohen was the one holding the umbrella shielding you from the rain. He did not speak a word, but from the look in his eyes, it was obvious he knew you weren’t even sad in the slightest. His knowing eyes, discrete yet visible smirk, he knew everything, didn’t he? There was absolutely no point in pretending, so you just stared at the coffin, the words uttered by the ceremony guide sounding like distant mumbling to you. It was as though he was making fun of you without even doing anything, you could feel it in his gaze.
Not many words were spoken during the ceremony, and most of your day was spent in silence, reflecting a little over most things that had happened recently. You knew troubling yourself with such thoughts was more than unnecessary, but it simply couldn’t be helped. Up until the evening, even as you ate supper, your mind was plagued by questions.
Your inner turmoil was consuming you and, once again, you found yourself tossing and turning in bed. It looked like most of the nights you had spent here weren’t as relaxing as they should’ve been. Taking a walk in the gardens probably wouldn’t prove sufficient this time, drinking chamomile and indulging in small pleasures such as little treats couldn’t possibly calm your mind. No, you in fact did not need calm. You needed something stable or rather, something to stabilise you as you navigated through your own mind at the moment. You needed something to grip your entire attention in an effort to follow it, so much that you wouldn’t even think right anymore.
An idea flashed into your mind. It upset you, quite frankly. It infuriated you; to have such a ridiculous idea. It was almost unnerving how quickly you thought of it but still, your body moved on its own. Slipping in decent garments and slippers, you put on your thicker robes and stepped outside of your room.
Even though you stepped into this familiar territory, what you were looking for was nowhere to be found, even if it’d usually appear out of nowhere at the most inconvenient times. Sighing, your eyes traveled to the tents more cautiously, as if to spot it— or well, him more efficiently. Guards covered in bruises yet again, hurrying around to get their stuff back to their tents; maids and butlers cleaning the training grounds after another long day of “learning”.
The light was on in the main tent, and this was probably your only chance at finding him so late.
Your way of reasoning was quite simple, really: you needed to take your mind off of these horrible things you had seen. What better solution than Lohen? You knew it would take every ounce of restraint you had to keep calm around the annoying man, and so your focus would be diverted. But another problem presented itself…
..you needed an excuse. Of course. You couldn’t just barge into his tent and proudly exclaim something along the lines of “Sir Lohen, I come seeking your tiresome presence so that I may stop overthinking”, could you? Luckily, you wouldn’t have to resort to that, as the training grounds already had enough of an excuse as it was. You steeled yourself a little, exhaled then pushed the drapes of his tent open, stepping in confidently.
“For the last time, Sir Lohen, your poor recruits—”
You blinked. No one. Not a soul. Huh..? You stepped a little further into the tent. The candles were lit, there were some papers— contracts and such linked to recruits, notes he would take during training, surely. You didn’t really understand. The man always had the perfect timing to show up unannounced whenever you needed peace, and now that you were looking for him, he wouldn’t even… be where he was supposed to? You clenched your jaw a little again and turned around to leave, and then.
“Fancy seeing you here, my Lady. Did you need something from little old me?”
Well, here he was. On one hand, you were relieved to see him even though his presence was exhausting, but on the other hand, his appearance was slightly… compromised.
You couldn’t help your eyes from wandering a little downwards, not on his face anymore. He was bandaged, yes. Bandaged. But why could you see the bandages? Ah, yes. He was shirtless, not even an ounce of shame in his eyes. Despite the frail appearance he had when wearing all of his clothing, you found him to be fitter than you had believed. He was slim, that was for sure, but his arms and abdomen were far more toned than you expected. Nothing too big or bulky, just… just right.
“Mm? Like what you see?”
You jumped a bit in surprise and forced your eyes to look up into his again. Oh, how content he was, catching you off-guard when your eyes were wandering over him. You cleared your throat.
“Sir Lohen, you simply cannot keep bullying the recruits like this. How are they supposed to learn if you keep doing this?”
He hummed a little, pretending to give it thoughts as he walked towards you, then just past you, merely a few inches away before he sat into his chair, slightly leaned back with his legs comfortably relaxed. “I do not believe for a single second that you came here at this hour to lecture me on such a matter. Am I wrong?”
Ouch… once again, your horrible acting talents had betrayed you. You felt you could backtrack and leave, pretending it didn’t matter anymore or, surely enough you could double down and assure him that you were definitely not here seeking his presence, of all things. Ah, of course! You could divert his question, so you pointed at his bandages as he removed them to replace them with fresh ones.
“Whatever happened to you?” You couldn’t help but look at the wounds; like small yet deep little cuts, probably from arrows, probably from forcing his trainees to use him as living target practice. It seems some of them were actually not too bad at that.
“Ah, well. Sometimes things do not go exactly as planned.” He shrugged nonchalantly, flashing yet another one of those charming smiles at you. “Though it would be delightful to encounter fiery individuals who do not miss their hits sometimes, don’t you think?”
Ah, no matter. Your eyes weren’t on his anymore, but on the wound. It made you a tad nauseous at the sight, but also more and more curious. You must’ve paled quite a lot, because in the blink of an eye, you were seated in his place, and he was standing.
“Well, as honored as I am that my Lady is eyeing me so eagerly, you should not be staring at wounds like these. It is.. undeserving of your attention.”
It must’ve been the exhaustion, but your hand reached a little toward the wound before retracting as you realised what you were doing, warmth spreading on your face, knowing he had definitely seen. He did not make fun of you this time, simply grabbing your hand gently and dragging it back to the wound, not exactly on it, but on the surrounding area.
“I—” you stammered a little, unsure how to justify your actions. “I did not mean to— this is just… a little… I should not have, Sir Lohen. I apologise, I’ll—”
“That is quite fine, my Lady. But do not think you can walk out of this situation with just an apology. No, I require something in exchange.” His eyes narrowed a little, pleased by your visible apprehension.
“State your price.” You said through a tight throat, hoping deep down that he wouldn’t ask you for something impossible such as taking a life. His grin grew wider and he leaned down towards you, yet remained at a respectful distance… somewhat.
“Well, about that.”
His index finger tilted your chin up a bit, his abyssal gaze on yours. “Eyes on me.” Although the voice was nowhere near rough, you complied. His finger made his way from your chin to your ear, down to your neck, then your shoulder… and… and then… and then he pinched it. Quite hard, in fact. It didn’t really hurt, but it was just a little uncomfortable, stung a bit and lingered for a few seconds. He chuckled at your surprised inhale and removed his hand.
“There we go. Now we’re even.”
It was… a fair exchange, if you had to be honest. You did touch a wound that was probably still a little painful, so a gentle pinch of your skin was not completely unreasonable… even if it was very unbecoming of a knight to let his fingers on a Lady in such a way. He retracted his hands and turned his attention back to bandaging himself, leaving you a little flushed on his chair.
“And so, my Lady? To what do I owe the honor of your visit?”
The oh-so-dreaded question was asked again. You could tell him there was no specific reason other than his annoying presence, but internally sighed at the idea.
“Gods forbid—”
“—a lady has her secrets, right? Fair enough then, I shan’t pry further, my Lady.” He seemed to know exactly why you were here but actually didn’t tease you with it, which surprised you greatly. “You may stay for as long as you wish. We are still inside your estate, after all.”
There was no mockery in his tone for once. He was merely rebandaging himself carefully, taking all of the time he needed to cut and fix the bandages. You pensively watched him do it and couldn't help but wonder where his usual demeanor had gone. It could be the fatigue, since Lohen was more or less always working as an instructor but was also dealing with potential threats around the estate and in the region in general. Moreover, you had come to his tent at a rather late hour and he was probably planning to sleep.
“I should leave, it is getting quite late.”
His face still turned towards his medical tools, his eyes traveled to yours. “If you are concerned about my sleeping schedule, just know that there is no need. I am always glad to bring my Lady some peace of mind.”
The words were a little comforting and so you decided to indulge and stay a little longer. He would probably make you pay for this by being annoying to you the following days, but you really needed some company right now and more specifically, his company. Despite his chaotic behavior, you knew he was a good fighter and a… somewhat respectful knight, which made you feel rather safe around him.
You could hear someone calling for you, but the voice was very distant and a little muffled, like an old memory resurfacing. The calling grew quieter over time, giving room for complete silence. Everything was rather blurry and voices around you seemed like they belonged to no one, every single noise altered by your consciousness, you thought.
Ah, you were dreaming, weren’t you?
It was as though you hadn’t had a single dream since you had impersonated Lady Du Randier. You vaguely recalled dreaming in your previous life, but as far as you remembered, it was always somewhat gruesome or related to war. This one however was pleasant, warm, like a comfortable embrace you felt safe in. You were somewhat aware that you had passed out inside Lohen’s tent, but it didn’t really matter, not right now.
Nothing mattered. You felt like you were floating, as if lifted off the ground, everything felt nice. You were gazing into this darkness, but it didn’t seem frightening at all. You knew you weren’t awake anyway, so anything you saw here would be completely irrelevant. You didn’t see anything though, only heard. Muffled voices, random ambient noises, then the warmth was traded for a squishier sensation, as if you were laying on a cloud. As much as you liked it, the warmth from before was better.
You tried clinging to it with all of your might, but it felt like it was already somewhat gone. It was still here in a way, but not entirely. You could hear yet another voice, but so distant and muffled you couldn't make out any words.
…and then you woke up. You were expecting to see the simple craftsmanship of the furniture inside Lohen's tent, but all you could see was the headboard of your bed and your fluffy pillow that you had probably been hugging and tugging on for a while considering the shape it had taken. One of your butlers had probably carried you back to your room, and you were slightly embarrassed when you thought about it… you weren't a child anymore, after all.
You did manage to fall asleep, almost without a care in the world, feeling so much better now that… ah, nevermind. It upset you, just thinking about it.
You woke up well-rested for once, earlier than usual even, and decided you wouldn't loiter around today. No. You had to take your fate back into your own hands. You managed to dress yourself correctly and went outside, passing by the barracks as if it had become a routine now, though the menace was nowhere to be seen. You went to greet some of the knights, thanking them for their service.
“I do hope Sir Lohen has not been too harsh on you?”
The simple mention of his name made them shiver in their boots. “Ah… Well, some of us made a little mistake recently. Thankfully I didn't! I-I wouldn't! But the poor souls had to undergo his uh.. he calls it ‘special training’. No one really knows what happens there, though…”
It made you curious. What horrors could he possibly inflict on those poor trainees that they would be terrified just hearing his name? “A mistake? Do you mean… The arrows?”
The way that poor man paled told you enough and confirmed the flying suspicion you had about Lohen’s wounds. You went back inside and stepped confidently into the hall. Today was the day where..! Where.. what exactly? You were very determined to enlighten yourself on your situation, but where would you even begin?
First, the mystery letter. This couldn't be helped and had to be put on hold. Then, there was Lohen's behavior… which sadly also had to be put on hold. Rationally, the only thing you could “investigate” was Flins’ death, but how? You did have some basic forensic knowledge from your previous life, though justifying how a Lady would know all these things could prove a little tricky.
Perhaps you could persuade the medics who performed his autopsy to let you in on the not-so-juicy-anymore details, or sneak into their office to steal the documents, but you couldn't possibly unearth the man yourself. Nor with anyone else. This was a line you would not cross. How to get these documents frustrated you deeply. Well, you did know of an alternative but…
Every single atom in your body told you not to. First, because you would have to ask. Second, you would probably be mocked a little for it. And finally, third, you weren't sure you wanted to see Lohen yet after yesterday. Unfortunately, the vision of his shirtless form bandaging himself was already branded into your mind. Maybe as a last resort…
After asking for a carriage, you stepped inside of it, determined to play the part of a terribly sorrowed woman who had lost her best suitor. As previously stated, your acting talents were really, really, indubitably bad. Horrifying, even. But surely shedding fake tears and acting dead inside would be completely fine. The ride took a while as well, since the office was located in the capital, but you eventually made it, stepping out of the carriage.
You rubbed your eyes a little and forced yourself to yawn, giving your face this unmistakable— iconic even “grieving enamored maiden” look and entered through the front door. You were promptly received as it was rather rare that they would receive any female customers, and explained your “issue”.
“I have been oh-so unable to sleep since my beloved suitor’s passing… Alas, no amount of comfort or affection could possibly quell the unending sorrow that plagues my heart. Ah— truly, the only thing that could bring peace to this weeping maiden is to know how her most dearest passed. Would you please be able to enlighten me?”
The coroner probably did not know any better as there was no reluctance on their side. After all, such a beautiful, terribly tormented maiden could not possibly mean any harm, right? And so, they led you a little deeper into the office, where all of the gruesome details were kept away from the public’s gaze.
The document read the following informations, though some of them were redacted:
Name: ███████ Flins.
Occupation: █████.
M̶a̶r̶r̶i̶e̶d̶ / Single / W̶i̶d̶o̶w̶e̶d̶
Identified by: an unreadable name you were frankly not interested in reading.
Residence: ███████ Estate.
Height: ~182cm
Hair: Dark Blue — light blue.
Cause of death: stabbed through jugular and carotid by an iron butter knife.
Additional details: Wound on front of the neck— growing towards outside, tilted upwards.
Burial requested by household. No further investigation required by household.
A few things caught your attention. First off, the cause of death. It was common knowledge that one being stabbed would inevitably meet their doom to a sharp blade— you were painfully aware of that fact, though… a butter knife? Even sharpened, you heavily doubted it would cut well enough to slice through two major arteries. Secondly, the specifics: iron. You did recall that carrying iron around a fae was in fact a bad idea when confronted with them. Maybe it would have helped? But then again, the assaulter would have needed to know about this weakness. Lastly, the way the wound was described. Front of the neck, upwards and towards the outside.
Undoubtedly, the opponent must have been standing in front of him, and was probably on the shorter side due to the inclination of the wound. This would narrow your search quite a lot, though Flins was taller than most of the people you had met so far, aside from this bulky man Varka. You rapidly shoved the copy of this report into your purse and exited, thanking the helpful coroners for alleviating your grief.
As soon as you returned to your estate, you only had one culprit in mind. An unending source of malice, a bully even: Lohen. It had to be him. He knew about faes and specifically about Flins being one, he was very much proficient in such simple weapons, and as for a motive… you couldn’t quite figure it out, but surely you would hear it from the horse’s mouth.
Stepping into the barracks with an insatiable hunger for answers, you did not even make yourself known as you stepped into his tent. Here he was, sitting at his desk, and turned around to greet you.
“Ah, my Lady. What brings y—”
You practically shoved the coroner’s report into his face, looking at him in a mixture of fear, confusion and discomfort. “Would you mind, Sir Lohen, explaining what any of this means?”
He threw a glance at the report, eyes skimming over the information provided before looking up at you. It was the second time you had seen his fox-like grin vanish, his eyes reflecting nothing but seriousness. He stood up, pacing his tent a little bit, hands clasped behind his back, before turning to face you, his expression still serious.
“And what else was I supposed to do?”
…huh?
“Was I simply to sit idly by and watch my Lady’s mind get clouded by such threatening forces?”
Was that his motive? You? A part of your mind couldn’t believe it, but the remainder of it however completely believed every single word he uttered. You sighed deeply, running your palm against your face to process the information. Though before you could say anything, he elaborated.
“Though I must say, I am quite disappointed.” He flicked his dagger between his fingers, mimicking a stabbing gesture before looking at you, looking a little… sad, almost. “Someone beat me to it.”
“...whatever do you mean?”
He gave a dry chuckle, looking at his dagger, clenching the handle in what you believed to be genuine anger.
“I wished to stab him, my Lady. Oh, how I wished to do so. I did indeed travel to his estate with the sole purpose of taking his life. I even went through the trouble of asking him on a little rendez-vous, however…” He paused, sheathing his dagger again and crossing his arms, leaning back against one of the wooden pillars in his tent. “When I arrived, the bastard was already dead.”
You couldn’t tell what to make of it. Your gut told you he was not lying, but after what he had concealed, you couldn’t tell if he was trustworthy anymore, in fact, you couldn’t even trust your own mind any longer, feeling it twist with every single piece of information you stored day after day, hazy somehow, a little disturbed too. What disgusted you most was not his actions, but it was the fact that you were not even angry at him. How strange it was, to have someone murder— or attempt to do so on your behalf. Part of you was terrified of the knight, or rather the man turned genuine threat, but the other one felt… strangely, eerily pleased at his act. You could’ve retched at your own feelings at this very moment.
“Such an ugly side of myself I have shown you, haven’t I? But fear not, Lady (Y/N),” you hadn’t heard him be this formal around you before, which sent a slight shiver down your spine “I shan’t overstep again, that much I can promise.”
His eyes seemed like a vortex blending loathing, disappointment as well as something between longing and desperation, yet you could not tell if it was targeted at you, at the late Flins or at himself. Perhaps some things were better left unsaid, after all.
“Sir Lohen, I—”
“I have no need for your pity, Lady (Y/N). I do not intend to be rude, but it appears I have matters to attend to, if you will excuse me.” He said, back turned to you.
You couldn’t argue and simply left his tent, conflicted and even more confused than before. In the blink of an eye, his entire attitude had entirely swapped; in the past few weeks, any excuse would have been enough for him to come and tease you endlessly, adoring the way you would humiliate yourself further in public.
But now, he was only tending to the tasks he had been assigned, namely defend the estate and form the trainees. He was no longer roaming around you nor running into you at the most perfectly inconvenient timings.
For a second you wondered if you hadn’t gone crazy. Why? Why now of all times, would you decide to check on him? You needed to know where this distance came from— it was vital to you now. You would become the menace and him the hobby, and you would not let go until you had pushed his boundaries far enough for him to snap at you…
…which was in fact exactly what Lohen used to do. You were turning into a strangely female shaped Lohen and didn’t know how to feel about it.
Now, to plan your encounters. You were roughly aware of his schedule and it was rather easy to tell where he would be. At this precise time of the day, he was probably leaving the training grounds after bruising more recruits. You took a step towards the barracks again and… no one seemed harmed. Quite the mystery, then; had the instructor been replaced?
Deciding not to wait, you entered his tent.
“Sir Lohen?”
But no one replied. Where could he be, so early in the morning? You hadn’t even seen him bullying the trainees like he usually did, nor heard any complaints from anyone. Maybe he had been sent on a mission? Even then, he would’ve gone through the trouble of finding you and making your day just a tad more insufferable. But somehow, you found yourself longing for that banter and the fact that you couldn’t find him anywhere was starting to make you feel anxious. You really, really needed answers.
The roles were about to be reversed. All of the free time you had was spent looking for Lohen. Surprisingly, when your days were empty, it was rather entertaining to see him tense up and get all formal. It somewhat pained you as well, but you hoped annoying the hell out of him would change his behavior back to what it used to be.
“What does Lady (Y/N) require from me?” his tone was cold and unamused, but you on the opposite were having so much fun.
“Nothing specific, my dear.” This time, he was the one clenching his jaw. Ahhhh, the satisfaction. You rested your rear against his desk and looked at whatever map he was scribbling. He sighed and shook his head, though he made no move to push you away.
“This is not very ladylike, Lady (YN). I am also busy, therefore I would appreciate it if you left me alone for a while.”
His eyes looked tired and greyer, filled with guilt, as if he had turned into a different person entirely. But you wouldn't let go; not before you had gotten to the middle of this. You stood back up and walked around in his tent as if inspecting every nook and cranny, sometimes dusting pieces of furniture, leaning onto every pillar, then walked back to him and looked into his mirror, more specifically at the crook of your neck.
“You left a mark on me, sir.”
His eyes traveled to yours but his expression did not falter in the slightest. “I suppose that was a mistake. Forget it.”
The tone was cold and commanding but betrayed a bit of disappointment and frustration.
“Why is that?”
He gave no reply although you could physically feel the myriad of answers he could've given, and kept working. It frustrated you a little, really. All you wanted was to get a rise out of him, but he seemed… so out of reach. It felt to you as if you finally understood the urge he always had to push you to your limits.
“What are you working on, Sir Lohen?”
…again, no reply. He had turned into a steel wall. You wished to have the ability to pester him the way he did you, yet did not find it in yourself to disturb his peace any further. Giving a sigh, you ran aw— err… opted for a tactical retreat.
As hard as it was to accept, life became dull for a while. Your research on Flins’ records had led to nothing but uncertainty, yet had somehow narrowed your options. Of course you still believed Lohen had lied to you and was indeed the killer, but then why would he distance himself so much from you now? Did he genuinely regret you seeing that side of him? You already knew he was kind of… off his rocker, it was obvious at first glance, but to think he would feel almost embarrassed right now was out of character. You needed to break his composure.
Luckily for you, a small gathering had been organised later in the week, and your father would surely order Lohen to accompany you once more. You were more delighted than you would’ve liked to admit, but there was no escaping your own emotions. When both of you were called into your father’s study, he simply accepted with a nod, not a single word spoken, not even a teasing glance thrown at you; he merely bowed and left.
The man’s psyche completely eluded you and the way he brushed off anything related to you was even a little offending, but you swallowed your words down and followed him to his tent, as he would’ve done so to you. You cleared your throat, making sure he was aware of your presence.
“Which color would you like to wear this time, Sir Lohen? I will go with your preference, as I am out of ideas.”
And again, not even a glance in your direction, only looking at his documents and rearranging his weapon racks. “Any will do. Just pick one and I shall follow suit.”
You took a deep breath, a deep exhale, and stepped closer. “I insist, sir. You must pick a color.”
“Purple.”
Did he pick this one on purpose? You absolutely despised the only purple dress you owned. Maybe this was his way of telling you off? But he clearly did not know who he was talking to.
“What a lovely choice. I sure wonder what you will look like wearing purple, Sir Lohen.” You said with a small grin, eyeing him eagerly. For a moment, he did seem a little surprised before his eyes narrowed almost suspiciously.
Was he… on to you? The way you had so easily accepted to wear this horrible dress you hated so much could’ve given you away… but it seemed rather unlikely.
Either way! You made your way back to your chambers where you pulled this disgusting excuse of a gown out of the closet and observed it for a bit. Well, you had a bit of time to get used to the idea of wearing it for the unfortunate second time of your life, you guessed. It annoyed you, but he had picked the color for you, and you did ask for it as well… backtracking now would only be rude.
It took a while to find shoes that would fit the abominable garment, as well as hosiery and other accessories. It was not only the shade, no— the entirety of the design was a terrible mistake, and you couldn’t help but wish a swift recovery to whoever had imagined it and deemed it a good idea to produce it. The sleeves were puffy and only reached the middle of your arms, it was neither short nor long, yet just curved enough to make you look like some ugly umbrella, reaching down to your knees. The chest part wasn’t any better; a long veil of embroidery that looked like a grandmother hooked on suspicious substances had made it linked both of the shoulders, covering your entire chest down to the part where your belly button would normally be. And the worst part? The shade was a dull, light purple with no other color. Nothing, no highlights, no subtle details, just a color that, if it was sentient, would be begging for euthanasia.
Well done, Lohen.
You felt down in the dumps for the entire day just thinking about the pitiful existence of this “article” of clothing (if it could be called such a prestigious title). How long was it, again? Ah yes, two mere days before you would have to swallow down your pride and make a fool out of yourself (and Lohen!) by wearing this atrocity. Well, no matter. Dwelling on it wouldn’t do you any good, though you didn’t really have anything else to do. Usually, Lohen’s relentless teasing would keep you occupied and focused enough but, now that he was acting so cold, there was nothing to distract you from your own thoughts.
And boy, what an amusing amount of thoughts. From the impersonation of Lady Du Randier, meeting Lohen, dealing with Lumine and Flins’ death, your mind was almost going haywire from the wonderful collection of memories. You wandered into the gardens, probably looking for something to think about, something to keep your mind busy, eventually sitting on a bench and observing the clear blue skies.
Of all the things it could’ve picked, this one was pretty recent. You know? That one time you stumbled upon the menace while he was shirtless and bandaging himself. He was still rather… “friendly” at the time and you couldn’t deny the sight had been branded into your mind, more than Flins’ gruesome remains. Ahhh, and the way he had left a little mark on you, too... You couldn’t even move anymore. In fact, you had become a statue, fragile yet every single atom of the sculpture was held by a very strong glue called “Lohen”.
And of course, the source of your.. ailment walked towards your bench then stopped in front of you, believing you may have had an issue.
“Lady (Y/N). You do not look well. Do you need medic-”
“Ahh-!” He took you out of your overthinking but you couldn't really calm your heartbeat. “You scared me, Loh-” you stopped yourself. Were you about to call him by his name? Was it even allowed? Either way, you cleared your throat, “--S-sir Lohen, haha. I am fine, no need for medical help.” There, that'll do it.
“But your face is completely red, have you gone sick?”
That was probably the most concern he had showed you since the incident. Of course was still standing quite far from your bench, but the intention was there.
“It is… for other reasons, Loh--” wrong. again. “-Sir Lohen.”
He looked conflicted for a bit, looking at you with an expression you couldn't read. You could only pray that he wouldn't just leave and dismiss it so casually, but you couldn't exactly tell him about those thoughts…
He was there, observing you with a neutral expression and.. well, let us say the permanent grin he had on fitted him much more. You decided to divert the situation.
“You have been avoiding me, sir. Why is that?”
“I've only given you the peace and quiet you asked for whenever I was the one pestering you. Besides, I do not believe it is a good thing that a Lady finds herself so close to a soon-to-be murderer.”
You couldn't deny the first part. Yes, so many times you recall telling him to go, but now you just missed those moments of what actually seemed to be banter, from your current point of view.
“Well, I cannot deny how many times I've pushed you away.. As for the second part, we'll..” Wait. He said soon-to-be. What..? “Are you… planning on killing someone?”
Cold eyes met yours, face giving a simple nod. Oohh, no… It seemed like the words had escaped his lips unwillingly and he was now looking away from you.
“Is it… is it someone I know? Are you going to kill m-”
“You are not my target, Lady (Y/N).”
Phew. Well, that was a relief. You also didn't want to know who the target was, though this raised more questions. “Did you attempt to kill Flins for my sake, sir?”
He went silent for a little bit, his eyes narrowing faintly as if bracing himself for the razorblades that were about to leave his mouth.
“Yes, Lady (Y/N).”
You knew it, already. You did and, even if he was clearly a danger to society, you couldn’t resent him. Was it the fact that Flins would’ve ruined your life or gotten you killed somehow? Was it because you were scared not to have anyone on your side after the letter you had received? Was it because it was specifically done for you?
“Is there any way I can talk you out of it?”
He gave a dry chuckle and looked in your direction, though not at you directly. “No. But I will take my leave once it is done, do not think about it so much.”
Well that was it, now you were going to obsess over that. And not even over who he was planning on killing, mind you; you would think about him departing and potentially never seeing him again. Why, though? He had been nothing but a nuisance, not to forget he was— and still is probably your biggest death flag. You should be so happy that he was finally going to leave, yet… all you could feel was your organs sinking. It probably showed on your face, as you paled a little from the confession, but he did not take it as he should have.
No, from his point of view, all he could see was a damsel feeling nauseous after a criminal like him let her know he was about to kill someone. Without a word and giving a short bow, he left for the barracks once again. You wanted to reach for him, to stop him, to tell him he wouldn’t need to go but you couldn’t even begin to understand where this sentiment came from.
Somehow, thinking about the atrocious dress could’ve put you in a better mood than this conversation. After a long while, you stood back up and walked to your room, finally deciding to update your journal of the events.
Even after reading everything from the beginning, it had stopped making sense after a while, and although you had all of the timeline displayed underneath your eyes, you couldn’t quite pinpoint the moment everything blurred. As for the feeling of being watched… you had gotten so used to it you couldn’t even tell when it was there anymore.
Really, aside from the fact that Lohen was going to leave one day or another and that you would, unfortunately, have to dress in purple in a few days, nothing was too bad… There was always the inauspicious letter, but you had just put that on the previous Lady du Randier’s table. Asking merchants didn’t yield any results and it isn’t as though you could’ve snooped your way around too much without anyone noticing. Where would you even start?
As long as you remained a quiet, gentle, clueless Lady du Randier, absolutely no harm would come to you, you were sure. It didn’t matter if your life was not that comfortable, or even if it became unbearable, at least you would be alive! And do you know who isn’t alive? That’s right! Dead people! Just like you were before you got dropped into this world! So don’t complain and whine about this or that going wrong. You got a free do-over. Figure it out yourself.
You couldn’t stop your thoughts from spiraling, your fingers incapable of moving the quill any further. It was pointless to keep trying over and over again; the ink couldn’t possibly do your job and force the words out by itself. For now, you decided to rest… again. How lazy.
You emerged from your slumber to meet the unfortunate day where you would, for a few hours, look like some kind of clown in front of everyone. Luckily, the reception season was almost over and there would be very few gatherings for a while. Of course, the event was held in the evening, so you were allowed a bit of reprieve. And reprieve you enjoyed, lazing around in your room, not even bothering to eat, going through your personal book collection, looking at other articles of clothing.
Knock, knock, knock.
“Come in?”
You were already bracing yourself at the idea of Harold yelling at you for skipping a meal, looking at the door intently. The door opened, only to reveal Lohen who was holding a few pieces of clothing— purple, of course.
“I just came by to tell you that we will be leaving in t—”
His eyes, of course, were on you when he started speaking, but something diverted his attention just enough that his gaze silently traveled to the purple abomination hanging on your closet’s door. He looked at it for a solid minute without a word, his expression flat and unreadable. Were you… supposed to say something? But you didn’t want to upset him any further either.
He gave a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. “No, no.” He muttered to himself before he gestured at the dress, visibly at a loss for words, just enough that he could barely form a sentence. “Just… deep blue. It will do.”
And with that, the door closed.
You gave a huge sigh of relief at his change of heart; he wasn’t a complete monster after all! Standing back up, you shoved the horrid creation back from whence it came and pulled out a way prettier, navy blue one. Your mood wasn’t better per se, but the short amount of happiness the switch in dresses brought to you was enough to keep you from spiraling again.
Delightful indeed, and instead of calling your maids over, you decided to do it all yourself. You weren’t exactly an expert when it came to makeup or hairstyling, but the accomplishment itself felt like absolute paradise in a world where you couldn’t even afford to have one good day without something going wrong.
Shortly after, you left your room and made your way outside where Lohen was waiting for you.
You couldn’t help but wonder what the gathering was about this time. You were only informed of it, yet had no clue what it was exactly. He gallantly helped you get into the carriage and sat on the opposite bench as usual, this time arms crossed and looking out the window. You absentmindedly look at him, at how his expression was so neutral, almost a little melancholic. He didn’t even throw a single glance at you.
After a trip that took longer than you expected, he helped you out of the carriage out of politeness, and you found yourself in front of a small, quaint estate. A few other carriages were already stationed there, the horses loosely attached to the nearby trees, peacefully eating grass while the coachmen were having tea inside. A little further in the garden, nestled between multiple rosebushes was a table, large parasols and… ladies. It seems all of them were accompanied by men who, for the great majority, were discussing a little further away, probably uninterested in whatever conversation they were having.
Lohen directly made his way to the group of men while you hesitantly approached the table. Lumine was here, of course, as well as multiple ladies whose identities were completely unknown to you. Some of them had their partner sitting with them, others didn’t. Your eyes traveled along the table; a very pretty lady with short blonde hair and glasses who introduced herself as Emilie, a visibly younger one with chestnut hair arranged in two buns whose name you understood as “Yaoyao”.
There was also a tall, godly-looking woman with long purple-blueish hair, the gentlest face you had ever seen and… quite the rack— if you had to be honest who presented herself as Lauma; another beautiful woman with deep purple hair and eyes embraced by long eyelashes who, unlike the others, was accompanied by another lady with luscious blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes… and then, the elephant in the room. The cute-looking, pink haired one, sitting with her legs crossed, face flushed from… heat stroke? Or maybe it was the glass of wine she was holding. These ladies were the most noticeable ones among the small gathering, at least.
“Lady du Randier, over here!” Lumine happily waved at you and pointed at a seat right next to her. You couldn’t help but smile a little, and gave a polite bow before sitting down. “My name is (Y/N) du Randier. It is nice to meet you all.”
They seemed delighted at your introduction and kindly gave their names as well before Lumine cleared her throat and announced the main event.
“A-hem,” she dramatically coughed and, in a display you wouldn’t see everyday, took a comically, poorly imitated deep manly voice. “I have summoned you all today to speak of most important matters; yes, today is the day our lady-only book club is formed.”
It was difficult not to laugh, mostly since she was giggling too. It was only the first session, so none of you had any books in hand, and so… the mood was a little awkward at first before one of them finally broke the ice.
“So… which genres does everyone read?”
As expected, most ladies said they were interested in romance until one of them, the one you remembered as Clorinde, crossed her arms and tilted her head a little. “And what of erotica?”
You didn’t know what to say, but reactions were very varied. Most ladies were laughing a little nervously while Lumine’s face was flushed in a shade of red you’d never seen before, Lauma was smiling very politely as she covered Yaoyao’s ears, though you doubted the little girl could understand anything as she came from a foreign country.
One thing you did not miss was the pink-haired drunkard and Emilie locking eyes with each other in an almost primal display of instinct before giving each other a formal handshake.
You… weren’t sure what was going on anymore, but you were having fun. Only now did it occur to you that maybe, just maybe you could have some reprieve from overthinking and from the cruel reality that someone had inauspicious plans for you by enjoying the book club Lumine had so eagerly formed. She also seemed to like you more than she liked the others, which, if you had told your past self, would have been unbelievable.
The conversation was honestly hard to follow, as everyone kind of exposed what kind of books they enjoyed reading, Clorinde’s… special tastes not going unnoticed. When your turn came, you couldn’t form a single answer. The only books you had really immersed yourself into were the Unfortunate life of Lady du Randier— a thing you could not afford to tell them, and a book about the fae, which you could not exactly disclose either.
“I don’t know,” you couldn’t help but fiddle with your fingers in embarrassment, “I haven’t really read any books before.”
Once again, total silence. Multiple gazes rested on you, some of them confused, puzzled or straight up shocked, some of them desolate or compassionate, as if they regretted asking this question in the first place.
“W-well…” Lumine seemed a little awkward, then patted your shoulder. “Maybe you can take recommendations from us, I’m sure it’ll brighten your days!”
She was probably right… usually, you’d spend your days overthinking and trying to find something to occupy your mind, maybe a bit of reading wouldn’t hurt, since Lohen was so blatantly ignoring you for some reason— though you had your suspicions on his reasons.
“I… think it might be a good idea, actually. I’ll gladly listen to everyone’s suggestions.”
You were recommended a lot of romance novels, some with very obvious titles that probably revealed the entire plot just by hearing or reading them, but of course, two or three suggestions were more “noticeable” than the rest, especially Clorinde’s and Emilie’s.
Some steamy titles and just a slight reveal of the plot were enough to interest you, but you thought you’d probably read some regular novels first, at least to get used to the idea of reading again. Besides, the Unfortunate Life of Lady du Randier had been quite a good novel when you first read it, and it happened to be a romance, out of everything it could’ve been. You weren’t quite sure if these would influence you in any way, but it was worth giving it a try at least.
As you were making a mental note containing all of the titles, you wondered if your estate’s library even had such books, as shopping for them and revealing the daring titles to a regular worker would be very embarrassing, and you couldn’t possibly let that happen. Maybe they could lend you some? Ah, it didn’t matter, you’d find a way to get your hands on them.
After a long while, riveting conversations and lots of tea and snacks, it was unfortunately time to head back, though Lumine had already given everyone a date for the next meeting. You had a bit of time to read one or more of the novels you were suggested, and surely, surely you wouldn’t have to go out of your way to get them. Sadly, no one had been warned that this small, private gathering would be the opening of a ladies’ book club and, as such, no one had brought anything to discuss at all. Better luck next time, you thought.
As per usual, Lohen helped you get into the carriage, out of sheer politeness, barely looking at you. The ride seemed to take even longer than it did on the way to the smaller estate, leaving you a little sad that it was already over. It had been a little over four hours, but the amount of fun you had was enough to make you feel like spending time away from your new acquaintances was a little depressing. But you seemed a little happier than you did earlier in the day, and that was all that mattered. This time, you were the one who didn’t even spare a glance at him, although you could feel his eyes on you, as if he had so many things to say but couldn’t let them escape from his mouth for… reasons?
It seemed childish to you. After all, both of you were grown adults and you believed talking things out was a reasonable thing to do, more mature than a simple silent treatment.
The first thing you did when you got back home was to head to the library and search the different categories. As you suspected, there were some romance novels that seemed completely untouched, a little dusty, even. Unfortunately, none of the recommended titles were present, but you figured you could read some of them and put them in your recommendations for the next meeting.
You picked a random one; a romantic story between a princess and a knight from an opposing faction. As cliché as it looked, you decided to give it a chance and brought it to the gardens with you, sitting on a bench to start reading.
The sounds of the training knights, despite being a little muffled, helped you get into the story. As silly as the story sounded, you couldn't deny that your heart fluttered a few times, especially at the sappy and stereotypical sentences the knight gave the heroine. It truly made you wonder whether such romances existed, but you rapidly perished the thought and kept reading.
However, another issue presented itself; it wasn't exactly a matter of life and death, but the idea of merely entertaining such a concept was pretty annoying. Every time you'd read one of those cliché phrases, you imagined a certain voice. A certain voice belonging to a certain individual whom, lately, was certainly nowhere to be seen.
Of course it was Lohen. It could have been Flins, it could have been Varka, hell it could have been literally any suitor, any man you had ever met, but just had to be Lohen. Why did it have to be such an annoying— but you cut that thought short. He hadn't talked to you in a while now, and you could've sworn you were frustrated. You wanted to interact with him really badly, but he would probably act distant as always.
You’d need to get his attention, one way or another.
Maybe hanging out in the garden while reading a romance novel would reawaken the teasing bastard buried deep behind this cold persona… but if it didn't? You'd just make a fool out of yourself and probably disappoint your parents. After all, there was a reason as to why the book club was a private gathering. You also didn't know anything about his tastes aside from his favorite color… maybe you could ask around and see when his birthday was? Or what kind of cooking he enjoyed?
It didn't matter how; you had to catch his attention. Why? It didn't matter. All you knew was that somehow, he had left a mark on you, and not only on your shoulder, physically. No, the mark was embedded deep inside your mind and, hopefully not, your heart.
But you pushed this thought to the back of your mind, where it could rot with the overthinking you had finally managed to control.
It was time to act.
What kind of literature would catch his eye anyway? Was he even into reading? You’d probably look like a fool if you started reading war related novels or… old books written by very famous “war artists”... Maybe that would catch his attention, but you’d have to go through a tremendously long reading about things that didn’t interest you in the slightest.
Romance was a fine pick already, it would give you time to get used to reading at all, and maybe then you’ll move on to the less… conventional ones. Though… Emilie and Clorinde’s suggestions were a little bold. Too bold, in fact. So bold that if a servant or even your parents caught you reading those steamy novels, you would probably get in trouble. You didn’t remember the estate’s library containing such interesting stories, so your only chance at getting your hands on one of those was to get to the city and pray to the gods you’d never have to go back there again.
Maybe you should stock up on those? Who knows. Certainly not you.
For some reason, the nice, silly feelings you’d caught by interacting with the other ladies while having tea slowly got blurred into the anxiety of having to buy the book. But they had lots of customers, some of them probably bought the bolder kind of novels you were looking for. Surely, the workers there wouldn’t look at you as if you were some kind of degenerate, perverted young lady. Right..?
Today was the day. You had brought a pile of romance novels from the library to your bedroom, and you were about to go out and fetch some more. This time you were not accompanied by Lohen, but by your regular guards. “I’ll also have to hide these from them…” you thought, but it didn’t matter anymore. You needed those books.
The carriage stopped in the middle of the city, bustling with drunkards, pretty women and lone men complaining about these ladies. Looking around for a quick second, your eyes landed on a library; the front of the shop was just a regular stack of books, but maybe the sought after treasures could be found here.
With a slight gling of the door, you were greeted by the librarian; a young man with golden, luscious hair and amber eyes.
“Oh hello there, my Lady. You look like you’re in need of a specific type of books, am I wrong?”
…shit.
“Ahhaha,” you laughed a little nervously, “I guess you can tell… yes, I am in fact trying to find, huhh…” You reached for the notes in your bag and, as your eyes landed on the titles, you suddenly weren’t sure if you wanted him to hear them. But he seemed very nice and gentle, surely he wouldn’t tease you about it.
“The… The imperishable.. night—”
“With a vampiric lover? Yes, yes we do have that book. Follow me, please.”
The fact that he immediately guessed what you wanted reassured you. You were probably not the first lady coming here in search of a thrilling novel.
Leading you to the back of the store, he presented you with a shelf, a very full shelf. You couldn’t help but wonder how it was holding out with so many books arranged on it. Expertly, he retrieved one of the books and extended it towards you; you grabbed it and, sure enough, that was the book. For once, the title wasn’t stupid enough to reveal the entire plot. The cover art though… was less than acceptable. Some kind of… two people, very close to each other, feral expressions on their faces…. you couldn’t help but wonder if this was a horror novel and not the erotica you had come searching for. But it was too late anyway, so you figured you could look for a few more. He recommended quite a few, and you ended up leaving with three novels instead of one. Gods, you hoped no one would figure what kind of atrocities may have been written.
On your return, you immediately hid the novels in your bedroom, inside a barely noticeable drawer before getting the romance novel you had started reading and making your way to the garden where you could finally sit in peace. It was late afternoon and the sun was slowly giving space for the moon to rise, a perfect environment.
You opened your book again; the story had you hooked more than you knew. To be fair, the title and illustration seemed a little silly to you, but the more you read through it, the more you wanted to know what would happen next. The recruits and knights were already packing to go rest, though no sign of Lohen. Ah, whatever. You were too engulfed in the story to pay attention to that.
There came a very intense moment: the knight had been seen holding the princess in a familiar way, which displeased the knight’s superiors greatly; she was supposed to be a war prisoner, not his lover. But both of them argued; she didn’t want to go back to her home, as the family had always been cruel to her, and him? He could teach her the ways of their land, make her someone truly worthy of living here. Of course, they were in love, and nothing could’ve possibly stopped it!
But even in romantic novels, not everything always goes as planned. The woman was later captured by other guards, and the knight was exiled. Eventually, after years, she had managed to escape and stole a horse, immediately making her way to the place he had been exiled. After days of searching, of refusing to fall asleep or eat anything at all, she found him. He was there, laying on the ground under the shadow of a tree, polishing his weapon. Needless to say, he noticed her as well, and they held each other, right before something terrible happened: one of the guards knew she was going to try and find the knight, and he had followed her.
Both of them were disposable and, in their tight embrace, they couldn’t possibly have detected the presence of this man.
He readied his crossbow and shot. The bolt went straight through her head and ended up planted in his heart. Their last seconds were spent knowing it was the end for both of them and so, they embraced each other one last time before death had claimed them both.
You… did not expect this ending at all. It also brought tears to your eyes. Why? How could the writer be so cruel? It was a somewhat romantic and good ending, but so bittersweet… You couldn’t help but shed a tear as you closed the book. Lohen wasn’t even around, but at the moment you couldn’t care less, though spending time with him right now would’ve alleviated the inner pain you were fighting.
You slowly walked back to your room, determined to never read such a tragic story again. The next book on your list was very simple: “The imperishable Night with a Vampiric Lover”.
This one… you might have to hide a little.
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