Love fightsâŠwith you and for you.
My recent obsession has been reading jurisprudence and case rulings regarding matters of the heart (void/void ab initio) after stumbling across a TikTok video featuring the Quioge vs. Quioge case.
âLove will always flow through our lives in this inconsistent, unknowable way, and we cannot press pause on the joyful bits, nor fast-forward the suffering. Yet, in marriage, the reality is that a person may be truly psychologically incapable for the other and it is best to sever the relationship as there is no point in trying to restore what is broken to begin with.â
Love is just as complex as a relationship can be. What are you willing to fight for? What are you willing to do in the name of love, of staying, of enduring? And whatâs worth leaving someone for? At what point does staying and enduring not make sense anymore?
I always thought I was okay with struggling and enduring hardships with someone I love, I can be pretty resilient and adaptable in many of my relationships, and simply because itâs easy when youâre not alone in the act of trying to become a better partner or friend, and that youâre growing with them. But having recently argued with a friend over a seemingly trivial matter made me realize that the small acts of unrequited compromises adding up have been breeding resentment in me, enough to make me wonder if we are even emotionally compatible to keep the friendship or mutually invested to keep each other around.
It was the first time I felt my anger bigger than my love; my nurturing ways turned into rage. I found myself saying things I didnât mean, hurtful words I wouldnât have said about anyone I care this much about, but I was responding from a place of hurt and contempt enough to make me think revenge is warranted. One thing I learned over the years is that people canât read minds, and that communication can save all of us the trouble, so I always try my best to be emotionally honest when I feel hurt or mistreated in the same way I find it easy to say words of affection when I truly mean it. I try to catch myself if I am projecting deeper insecurities and try to explain away why I say the things I say or feel the way I feel. And ultimately, I wanted to be understood through all of it.
But in this particular circumstance, even after multiple messages, I find his words empty and meaningless; his apology sounded more like an irritable buzzing noise that lacked real accountability and a desire to make amends. âSorry you feel that way.â âSorry you think that way.â It made me ask myself, does he think my feelings are so pitiful that instead of owning up to his actions, which I specifically told him were hurtful to me, he found apologizing for what I felt instead? Which is ironic because when we hurt someone unintentionally, we donât apologize for someone elseâs feelings or response to the âwrongdoing,â which are beyond our control; instead, we apologize for our actions that hurt them, our actions that are within our control.
I thought of all the ways I compromised quietly for him, the excuses and considerations I made, the faith in his capacity to be better, the ways Iâd stay up just a little later than usual to spend a little more time with him, and those things not being reciprocated in a sustainable way was a wake-up call to me about how incapable this person is after all, how he lacks the foresight or consideration for my feelings, the decency to communicate the things that are important to me in my relationships. He couldnât even answer a yes or no question when I asked him to save me the trouble and tell me if heâs going to keep doing this. And his excuse that itâs manifestly a product of circumstance told me his lack of ability to follow through on his words or the consciousness in every decision he makes.Â
Back then, I convinced myself he wasnât the enemy, it was the bad habits, the poor choices, the lack of communication, I have had my fair share of them too and I knew I was willing to change them for the sake of the relationship but eventually it wore me out. I always thought of him as someone who isnât capable of hurting me but at that point the inconsideration was too much to bear.
And so I left, with too much of the indignity of knowing that even towards the end, I was the only one making everything work. Maybe my friends were right when they said, it shouldâve ended long ago. But I loved him, so I let him be my poison. I watched myself leave no trace, track every step, and take back everything I said. I wish I could undo everything, the last two years of my life convincing this person that I was deserving of love. I wish I could take back my love, too. But itâs over now and you needed it more. Never mind, I will find my way from you.
from jane // like a low hanging fruit from your tree of doom // written back in March // clearing up my drafts đ¶âđ«ïž
