-

~

[jannatulbidara]

No, it's not love anymore It's an addiction

[jannatulbidara]

I am sorry, I am so sorry, I failed again. I honestly thought I can do this, but turned out, I could not. I thought this would be easy, I thought I had enough, I thought I had done. I am not. I know this is bad, messed up and fucked up I honestly don't know what is gonna happen next. Would I be begging again if he didn't wanna come back? I don't know. Would this gonna be the same pattern like before? or better or worse? I honestly don't know. When will this is gonna stop? Am I waiting for the chaos moment first that I am forced to stop? I don't fucking know! What I do know is, I need help, I need him, at least for now. I am sorry, I am so sorry. I don't have any other explanation I just can't do this alone, and I need him. This is bad and selfish and cowards, I am such a fucking horrible coward bitch, I know that. I made poor decision then I blame the universe for the bad luck. God, I am such a stupid horrible person. I know that, I realize that, I just don't know yet how to change that I will figure out, I promise, I'll get better Just I just need a little more times I am sorry, I am so sorry.

[crescenthemums]

Sometimes when people do you wrong or hurt you, it's just their reactions towards your act. You started it first. You can't expect others to do good all the time. Sometimes, the problem is you. Sometimes, it's your fault.

It's your karma.

[jannatulbidara]

Selamat berulang tahun yang ke-28, raa!

Terimakasih untuk tetap hidup dan berjuang, terimakasih untuk tidak memilih menyerah, terimakasih untuk tetap mau bertanggung jawab dan bersabar. Terimakasih.

Tetap bersabar dan terus berjuang ya raa..

Percayalah, suatu nanti, (mungkin) semesta akhirnya memberikan kejutan manis atas semua kerja keras ini.

Mungkin...

Jika tidak pun, setidaknya hidup ini sudah di lewati dengan sesekali tawa, dan ceria.

Selamat ulang tahun, raa!

[crescenthemums]

Loving should be an easy job. Effortlessly, if I may add. Then when it gets harder to do, when it demands more efforts, when being tired and exhausted seems more familiar than being comfort, does it still count as love?

[crescenthemums]

Today was one of those hard days.

Back home late, starving, drained, exhausted, and stored so much words to scream out. I planned some stuffs to take care of myself, but I ended up doing something else, and being someone else. At the end of the day, it broke down into pieces, right under the cold shower and Reflection song from the phone.

Now I see, If I wear a mask, I can fool the world

But I cannot fool my heart

Crying wasn't on my to do list. I didnt plan that. But it was sobbing, a desperate whining.

There's a heart that must be free to fly

That burns with a need to know the reason why

Maybe I just need to talk to anyone. Or maybe I need Guling chest to continue weeping. Or maybe I need some sleep. Or some yin yoga. Or some food. Or some slices of mango.

Well, shit. That reff part of the song wrenched my heart even more.

Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me?

Why is my reflection, someone I don't know?

Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time?

I know I'll figure it out later. I just need some more time to shed tears right now. It doesnt get easier. I know.

[crescenthemums]

Yesterday, a radio played that very song on my way back home. A song that had ever been an anthem, a forever anthem, for me. It was Loving You, by D'cinnamons.

There was a time when that song put an ear to ear smile on my face. Then things happened, it turned into something triggering, in a bad way. But just exactly yesterday, the smile came back fine, and I felt nothing but,

relieved.

Maybe this is the first post I write, after all the twist that happened to this almost kind of story.

I still remember that frozen moment, once upon a fine afternoon, when I heard the news. It felt like something sharp and cold fell on my skin, my chest, my head. It was like I got electrocuted somewhere I couldn't mention. Just for some seconds, before I finally felt my feet again to step on and continue working. Then when I was asked about how I felt that day, I knew it's hard to say I was good because I knew I wasn't, but I was so sure, that I was

relieved.

It's like I found a pullstop that I've been looking for thes whole frckin time. It might be not the perfect and ideal closure, but I know I need this. I fckn need this.

(and a reason to get the second tattoo so when the pain came I know which to put the blame on fufufufu)

I know I didn't need an ending like some romcom movies out there, I maybe dont deserve that anyway so that supposed to be a very good and happy news for me either. Such a very plotwist that I'll brag about til the end of my life.

They said, yesterday was a love day, and I celebrated the day by being reminded again, that I was so lucky to have such opportunity, to learn so much about love, no matter how it ends, no matter how cringey it would sound.

Love, anyway, is not about I cant live without you or I give all my life to you. It supposed to make you survive anykind of life. It can be angry and jelaous, ugly and faded, sad and surrender, but at some point, it gives you a hint to keep going. It should give you a huge space to express, and an enormous one to listen. It stays, but it helps you to let go either.

Love, finally, is not only about I'm yours you're mine or forever and always. It sets you free, when it's time to. It can end in different twist. It doesnt serve you like a king or queen, it helps you to stand on your own feet. It can be imperfect and complicated, unsaid and restrained, missunderstood and underestimated, but at some other point, it gives you a power you never know you have.

Carl and Ellie, that was love. But Snape and Lily was love too. Meredith and McDreamy was love, and so Mandra and Munaroh.

Sometimes you kinda have this urge to see somebody happy and settled, even if you're not a part of it, but you dont know why you want to give everything to make it come true (tho it sounds so ewww). That's also a love.

It's more than just a butterfly in your tummy, or a pinkish cheek, or a hummimgbird heartbeart. It can be a dragonfire, a venomous snake, a headache, a heartache, a heart attack. That, is also, love.

Love, finally, just a word that has the most meaning. It may come up in so many faces, so many circumstances. No matter how small, no matter how painful, no matter how it ends, it's still valid.

I was young and stupid, emotionally unstable and attention-seeker. I had nothing to offer, I was unavailable at all cost. I had zero idea of loving and being loved. I took too many things for granted.

Including you.

Well, hello, you. It's me, again, for the umpteenth time. I know you know it's still all about you, after all these time. Always.

It'a okay, don't worry. I write this for my self, not specifically for you like the other previous posts.

You know I still have no enough words to thank you properly, or simply let you know how grateful I am to have a day or two with you, to have all the chances I might never stop bragging. You know things still stay the same; you're still the refrain, the muse, the one and only. Maybe I'll stop, maybe I'll quit, but this very minute, (no matter how disgusting it may sound, even to me 🤮), love, for me, is still how I define you.

The idea of you, will still be echoed for so long and counting.

But again, it doesnt have to end like a romcom. I dont need it to end like a romcom. Even if a genie came and asked me to wish, being yours was not going to be one of them. You may have a page in my life, but this is a series, a long and long and long series, so I have another pages to turn. Just exactly like how D'cinnamons sang; but it's alright, I'm still alive, yeah.

Go on, have a life, grow up and grow old well.

Maybe that's how I celebrate love.

-

p.s: you always look good in that smile (and suit).

[crescenthemums]

my idk whether you're going to answer the question or not, but here maybe in the middle of ur busy day you have a willingness to help. 3 days ago I broke up and someone said that he might be cheated on someone. I kinda want to ignore it bcs I cant even imagine it at all. I want to ask u about how is ur prespective through cheating? maybe u re the one who can explain to me logically like how should I react and etc. I like the way you see things differently and ofcourse logically and maybe reading ur prespective could make me sane at least for a moment. Thankyou for the willingness to help, Amy.

Dear, you.

First of all, I'm sorry to hear your story, may this become his loss, not yours. Might take forever to get over this, but trust me, you deserve better.

Second, well, I'm not proud of this but let say, I have ever been in every perspective of it; the one who cheated, the one who was being cheated, and that 'someone else' of somebody who was cheating. These experiences changed me a lot in seeing cheating case. I might not the perfect one for you to come into since we might have different views or standard, but I hope you could see another side (or in my case; every sides).

I know exactly that a relationship should have its own terms and conditions. There are some couples who stay on open relationship, where they can absoulutely have more than one partner, romantically. But if since the day 0 you and your partner decided that this relationship was only about you two then it supposed to be unacceptable for the third or fourth or fourteenth party to join.

I dont know how you define 'cheating'. Some people considered sending instagram DM regularly as cheating, but some others need a sexual intercourse to categorize it as cheating. For me, personally, having another romantically intimate activities (either chatting or dating), is what cheating means.

When I was being cheated on, It infuriated me in so many levels. I felt that anger, sadness, dissappointment, wow, I was in anguish. Being a clear-headed I was, I talked to him side by side, asked him to explain, what I did very wrong that caused him doing so. He didnt answered at first, but in the end, it's just him finding the way. He got what he wanted that he didnt get from me. Maybe I was too easy-going that almost never set a single rule for any of us. But hell yeah, he's just not the one, so, bye.

Then there was a time when universe paid me back by putting me as the one who cheated first. I am easily bored, that's why I know I will not fit in any long term relationship. One day, I got bored then I met someone else who fullfilled my needs in a way my partner couldn't. Nobody's perfect, isnt it? So I guess it's normal to find things you look for in another store. So yeah, I got into it, effortlessly. If this were a karma, it supposed to happen before the previous story but no, It happened afterwards.

The other day, I finally know how it feels to be that 'someone else'. I did nothing, I started nothing, and suddenly somebody got too close to me, came into my life unexpectedly when I had no one around. I know he had his own so at first I tried to keep a proper distance. But then we talked, and things escalated so frikin quickly. We turned out to be Marianne and Connel in first three episodes of the series. I didnt know why he did that to his partner until they broke up and he told me they were not okay in the first place. Maybe I was just percipitate it, or maybe I was the reason. Was I proud? No, I was shocked. But then they got back together in no time, and we ended the stuff like nothing ever happened.

Soo, for me, cheating is an option.

You can choose to cheat, but it never happen just in a blink of eye. There must be something that percipitate it; maybe a need that is left incompleted, a wish that is left unfulfilled, or simply, a chance. There will always a person who doesnt get enough by having just one.

You also can choose to not cheat, no matter how huge the desire of it rocking inside your chest. Maybe because you love your partner too much that you cant see another one, or because you're afraid of the impact that might happen if you hurt your partner that way, or because for you, one is enough.

Anyone can cheat, the possibility is actually exist in every single relationship. It takes any reason to make it happen, and one thing for sure, it is OUT OF OUR CONTROL. The only control you have is on yourself. But no matter how hard you try to please your partner, you could never stop them to cheat, unless they decide it by themselves. So when things happened and you're hurt, take a damn deep breath, and get yourself together to speak side by side, ask him bravely, discuss it like an adult. Listen to his shits, no matter how angry you could be. Because, believe me, cheating is not only a matter of right or wrong. There will always another side of the story that happens for a reason. Sometimes you need reasons to lessen your pain.

Sometimes, what is valid is the feeling, not the label of being right or wrong. You can be sad over a stuff they called as right, and you can be happy over a stuff they called as wrong.

I always believe that the one and only is a myth. You're gonna need somebody else to complete your need. But, you dont have to date all of them romantically. You always have an option to stay true and loyal, no matter how imperfect your partner is.

Cheating is an option that turns into a habit when you couldnt control yourself to do it over and over again.

So yes, you choose the right option by breaking up with him. If a loyal partner is what you look for, then he's not for you. You lose nothing. Even if he has the reason to cheat on you, it's not your fault. I mean, what he needs is out of your control. You can't force him to accept you with all you have, so when he found his needs that he couldnt find in you, it's his bussiness. Not yours. You got my point, dont you?

We can talk in person if you want to, I hope I didnt sound too selfish to you.

Wish you do well!

[crescenthemums]

Nothing but, Really, How You Meet Your..? Whatever

I finally finished watching HIMYM.

Ya dihemat-hemat emang nontonnya, jadi kelarnya berbulan-bulan. It's the fourth long tv series I watched religiously and not getting bored on the way.

Well, there would be major spoiler later so you'd better stop reading here.

-

This isn't that life changing kind of series. It's just another tv series. I dont think this is the best one but this might have a special place in me anyway.

You might wanna fight me, but, beberapa episode rasa-rasanya ngga ada juga nggapapa, ngga esensial buat ceritanya, bahkan terutama season terakhir sangat berasa dipanjang-panjangin biar genap 24 episode, padahal bisa aja cuma 3-4 episode doang. Udah gitu 3 episode terakhir malah ditumpuk semua twist-nya, jadi nontonnya overwhelmed. 3 episode terakhir itu bisa dibuat 5 episode sendiri lho biar lebih thorough. Mana twistnya juga... duh, ya gimana ya, every characters deserve so many alternate endings.

Gue juga agak terganggu dengan plotnya yang... itu-itu aja. I mean, yaelah, dari awal sampe akhir, it's actually all about Robin. Pusat segala semesta cerita tuh bukan Ted atau Barney, tapi Robin. Semuanya akan balik-balik lagi ke Robin. Gue kayak dari episode awal udah yakin banget ini The Mother pasti Robin. Tapi sepanjang serial sok dibolakbalik ceritanya padahal ya ujung-ujungnya Robin deui, Robin deui.

As a kind of tv series with a plot that has a huge possibility to bore me to death, this one did a nice job to keep me watching till the last credit. I mean, despite of all those meh stuffs I mentioned above, I enjoy wasting my time finishing it.

Beberapa episode soo heartwarming. Hampir setiap scene familial issue-nya Robin, mata gue pasti basah. Rembes. Tooo close to be experienced. Karakter Ted juga terasa sangat dekat alias ahahahaha Guling is that you ~ Beberapa jokes lines-nya juga berhasil membuat gue ketawa dan terhibur. Beberapa quotes juga cukup menyentuh kalbu dan cukup mantap menjadi tambahan panduan dalam menjalani kehidupan nan kejam ini.

Di season terakhir, dimana akhirnya Ted settled ke satu perempuan, gue mulai gelisah memikirkan sesuatu;

how, really, how, could, you meet, your.. whatever-it-is-called?

Let's start from this; I dont think I believe in love like the most human do. I mean, what's love all over again? Mengutip kata Tristan di Toko Barang Mantan; Cinta apaan? Tai kucing.

Emang mungkin, ada sosok kayak The Mother yang fits too perfectly like she's created to be Ted's, and vice versa? Emang mungkin, ada lovey-dovey couple like Lily-Marshall, yang bisa sepanjang usia sama-sama dan ngga berpindah sekalipun?

I mean, your life doesnt last for a minute. A lifetime is too long to be spent with one person, and a lifetime is to busy to be wasted wishing for a true love. What's true love? The one who never leave? Everything will leave, eventually. The one who take care of you dearly? Hadeeeeh, people will put their own bussiness first among others, in the end of time. Who would devote all of their forever and always?

I mean, okay, HIMYM is just a fiction. No matter how they try to show any bumpy roads might happen in somebody's life, it still ends good. Too good to be true. In real life, I dont think it could happen that way.

Yeah, you love a person and you care for them with all your life and what? You dont think of anything else? You put your issues aside and make them your priority? You do stupid things for years and years and never gonna stop because you still are in love the same way? You dont change, at all?

It's terrifying. At least for now.

I know that people will hurt, no matter how much time they say they love you. They will lie to you, punch you in your face, let you handle your bad days alone, then leave you. Berani banget yang bisa menjanjikan forever and always, elah. Besok juga bisa aja lo kepentok tiang listrik terus mati, atau minimal amnesia, and love couldnt save you from that.

Every kind of love story is too imaginary to be happened. I mean, even a mother could kill her very own children. What's love, again?

Makanya gue geli banget kalo ada film-film yang ujung-ujungnya berakhir baik-baik karena diselamatkan oleh kekuatan cinta. Hhhh, it feels strange to even mention the word.

I believe people would stick together because they share the same things to hate, or the same grief, or the same stuffs to celebrate, or any of other make-sense issues. But not love. We do over-glorified love, all this time. How if, love hurts and destroys, but it's beautifully orchestrated and decorated so it feels right to be messed up by it? How if, love is such a disease we actually should treat, but we let it spread over because it makes us happy? At first. Yeah, we might be happy, at first.

No, doesnt mean that we have to be full of anger or hate all the time because love isnt important. The antonym of love arent those things, are they. Gue cuma geli aja, ngga bisa memahami konsep cinta yang ditawarkan HIMYM. Maybe it happens in real life, so that is why I'm asking, how?

How do you believe that, there will be, a human being, that will love you, that way?

How do you know, you love a human being, that way?

How do you manage to believe, that it's love, not a sense of belonging, or a kind of ego, or a need to be companied, or an urge to give affection or an urge to get affection or basically anything but love?

What's wrong with surviving this whole world all alone or giving up trying and die, all alone?

Oke mulai ngawur. Sepertinya gue laper. Seharian baru makan cheese cake sepotong doang. Mari cari makan. Bye.

[crescenthemums]

How can people do such drunk text anyway i mean you need to hold your phone and choose a messenger app and type a text and send it to a contact list and that's a lot f steps while i cant even hold a door knob when i was drunk i mean seriously how ckck

[crescenthemums]

You can have the thing they called as a home, but all you want to do is going away.

Barusan menyempatkan menggulir tulisan tetangga-tetangga di in your orbit-nya Tumblr. Mungkin ada lebih dari sepuluh kali gue menemukan kalimat-kalimat seperti:

"kamu adalah rumah"

"rasanya seperti pulang ke rumah"

"aku ingin menjadi rumahmu"

dan semacamnya.

It got me thinking; apa itu rumah?

Gue pernah dapet pasien, ke UGD dengan keluhan mual, muntah, lemes, pusing. Klasik. Pasiennya seorang ibu, yang datang diantar suami dan anaknya yang masih kecil. Waktu gue samperin buat anamnesis, setiap kali gue bertanya, yang berusaha menjawab adalah suaminya. Ya atuh padahal kan yang sakit istrinya. Untunglah gue punya alasan menyingkirkan suaminya dari situ, yaitu dengan meminta beliau mendaftarkan istrinya, lalu menunggu di lobby karena nggabole bawa masuk anak kecil.

Setelah sesi pemeriksaan yang ternyata membuat gue tidak menemukan apa-apa alias si pasien sepertinya baik-baik saja, gue mencoba mengulangi anamnesis ke pasien. I finally knew, she's fine. She just needed an escape, a very short escape, from her home, from her family. Karena dia tau, di UGD, dia bisa sendirian sebentar aja.

Akhirnya gue biarkan dia di bed pasien, mumpung UGD saat itu juga ngga rame-rame banget. Gue tutup tirai di sekitar bed nya, dan gue bilang ke perawat-perawat untuk ngga masuk ke bed itu, supaya si pasien bisa mendapatkan apa yang dia mau.

Sekitar hampir dua jam kemudian, dia manggil gue. Pas gue samperin, sambil berkaca-kaca, dia bilang:

"dok, saya boleh peluk dokter?"

-

Ladies and gentlemen, what does it require to be a home?

Is it a family? Is it a mom or a dad or some cute siblings? Is it a lovely partner? Is it a playful pet? Is it a decorated space? Is it a warm blanket or a plate of hot soup?

Is it actually a kinda place? Semacam tempat berlindung dari panas dan hujan--well why dont we make it this simple. Ya jadi salah satu kebutuhan primer aja setelah sandang dan pangan. Nggaperlu ribet diromantisasi.

Oke, katakanlah ada makna konotasi dari rumah; yaitu sebagai sebuah perasaan, sebuah atmosfir, sebuah rangkuman dari emosi senang, tenang, tenteram, damai. But hey, does a feeling last forever? Can we change our definition of being home? What happened to the previous home after we find the new home? What does it call now? An ex-home?

Is it still a home, if you cry and sob there for days and nights? Is it still a home, if you're degraded and intimidated? Is it still a home, if you're turned into someone you hate? Is it still a home, if all you want to do is going far away from it?

Lo bisa aja nggapunya rumah (dalam makna konotasi), dan lo tetap baik-baik aja. Lo bisa aja punya, tapi lo kesiksa.

They said, home is a place for you to come back, from wherever you've gone.

Alah, basi.

Kalo dalam setahun ada 365 hari, lalu 362-nya dihabiskan di berbagai tempat, 3 harinya di tempat yang disebut rumah, then what makes it difference from a hotel?

Ya tapi kan balik-baliknya kesitu lagi, kak!

How many bolak-balik should it takes to make it officially a home, hm?

Kalo gue balik-baliknya lagi ke tempat x, padahal gue merasa lebih aman dan nyaman di tempat y, terus rumah gue yang x, gitu? Gimana kalo gue nggapunya pilihan untuk sering-sering ke y karena biaya atau waktu atau kesempatan? Gimana kalo gue terpaksa balik ke x karena tuntutan ini dan itu yang gue ngga ikhlas sama sekali ngejalaninnya?

Pandemi ini mengingatkan kembali betapa racunnya sebagian besar tempat yang disebut rumah itu. Orang-orang yang mau nggamau harus berdiam di rumah, jadi nggapunya alasan buat lari, buat kabur. Apalagi bagi mereka yang terjebak serumah bersama orang-orang toxic nan abusive berkedok pasangan/orang tua/saudara kandung. For some of you, family could mean a home, but for some of them; it's the lowest level of hell.

Kata temen gue yang nyokapnya kerja di pengadilan agama, sejak new normal dan pengadilan dibuka, kasus-kasus perceraian membludak. Tanya kenapa?

Well, you can have a home. You may find your kind of home. Whatever. Do it your way. But you know what? It doesn't have to be your one and only. It doesn't need to be your forever and always. You can have a home and you want to go away from it. You can be homeless but proud and settled. You can be forever singgah dari rumah ke rumah, pindah berkala kayak kata Hindia, and you'll still survive this absurd world. Life is too wild to be tied by common definition. Define your own, or not.

You can be your own family. Your own mom and dad and cute sibling. Your own lovely partner. Your own playful pet. Your ow decorated space. Your own warm blanket and plate of hot soup.

You can be your own definition of a home.

If you haven't found one, that's okay. That's not the end,

yet.

[crescenthemums]

Setelah beberapa hari ngga nonton film baru, hari ini mumpung libur sehari doang, gue akhirnya menonton beberapa di My List (yang udah ditandain dari kapan tau). Tadinya mau bikin review satu-satu tapi kok ngantuk. Besok kerja pagi, pula. Jadi yaudalaya seadanya sahaja.

Film-film berikut adalah film internasional alias bukan holiwud dan bukan lokal juga. Nontonnya di netflix, pake vpn Canada. Soalnya di Indonesia atau negeri lain takutnya ngga ada. Ini semacam hidden gem di netflix sih, soalnya premisnya one of a kind sekali.

Ngga ada spoiler, insyallah.

-

Film pertama judulnya 37 seconds, sebuah drama Jepang taun 2019. Ceritanya tentang seorang perempuan 23 tahun, namanya Yuma, penderita Cerebral Palsy yang berjuang menjadi manga artist.

Filmnya lambat, tapi bikin bengong banget. Disini dikasih liat gimana kehidupan seorang disabilitas, mulai dari aktifitas sehari-hari, interaksi sama orang lain, interaksi sama sesama disabilitas, bahkan perkara seksualitas. Pedih banget sih, asli.

Yang bikin menarik, disini perlakuan sekitar ke Yuma tuh ngga diskriminatif, pada baik-baik bener malah. Filmnya justru kasih liat sudut pandang baru tentang penyandang disabilitas setelah mereka didukung dan difasilitasi, dengan insights yang mungkin selama ini kita ngga kepikiran.

Karakter favorit gue tentu saja Bu Mai. Kita semua butuh orang kayak Bu Mai :)

Keluhan gue cuma beberapa scene yang kayanya nggaperlu dipanjang-panjangin buat dapet feel-nya sih. Bosen, lama-lama.

-

Film kedua, dari Perancis, keluaran taun 2018, judulnya I Am Not an Easy Man. Ini tergemes sih.

Premisnya, ada seorang laki-laki patriarkis nan brengsek, yang kena adzab tiba-tiba terjebak di alternate universe, dimana dunia dikuasai wanita, dan semuanya berbalik, jadi matriarkis (if that's even a word).

Gue ngakak banget liat perempuan bukain pintu buat laki, laki kemana-mana pake celana pendek terus disuit-suitin perempuan di pinggir jalan, perempuan pake jas dan bisa lari keliling komplek telanjang dada cuma pake celana olahraga aja. Beneran definisi semua dibalik. Bahkan kayak cat calling, body shaming, diskriminasi, gosip, ditanyain kapan nikah dibilang perawan tua, beh pokonya semua yang perempuan alami di sekitaran kehidupan patriarkis, dibalikin kejadiannya di laki-laki.

At first, gue puas banget nontonnya, ego gue kenyang HAHA.

Tapi sayangnya eksekusinya agak kurang greget, beberapa premis kayak nanggung gitu disampeinnya, jadi pesan yang nyampe ngga maksimal, menurut gue.

... dan, lama-lama, muak juga gue liat kelakuan perempuan-perempuan matriarkis ini hadeeeeeh memang segala sesuatu yang berlebihan itu menjijiqan.

-

Film ketiga ini film favorit gue hari ini. Judulnya Capernaum.

Sebuah film drama Lebanon taun 2018, mengisahkan seorang anak laki-laki 12 tahun bernama Zain, yang menuntut orang tuanya di pengadilan, karena sudah melahirkan dia :)

Anjing banget premisnya :)))

Emosi gue diaduk-aduk banget selama nonton. Mulai dari gemes, marah, kesel, haru, seneng, muak, hhhhhh ampun! Berani banget ngangkat isu begini. Sangat relate dengan kehidupan sekitar negeri kita tercinta ini gaes. Walaupun beberapa adegan mengingatkan gue pada Graves of Fireflies, film ini tetep berasa orisinil dan masuk akal. Gue yakin banget yang kayak Zain gini banyak bertebaran si negara-negara berkembang.

Lo harus banget merhatiin kalimat-kalimat Zain selama di pengadilan sih. Merinding!!

Nih, kalo lo mau jadi orang tua, atau ada temen lo yang kebelet bener pengen punya anak, nonton ini, tolong. Ngga, ini bukan tentang parenting, ini tentang mindset. Eak.

Dahlah, nggabisa ngomong banyak gue. Pengen tepuk tangan aja 👏

-

Film keempat, drama Belanda taun 2016, judulnya Layla M.

Film ini membahas seorang perempuan muslim yang lahir dan besar di Amsterdam, aslinya orang Marocco, yang pengen bener nolongin sesama akhi ukhti di Syiria, sampe titik dia kabur dari rumah dan gabung sama para fundamentalist gitu.

Sebenernya endingnya ketebak, tapi gue menikmati plot cerita yang membahas soal islamofobik, aturan-aturan agama dalam islam, pergolakan batin Layla yang tumbuh di negara dengan ideologi berbeda, bahkan film ini smooth banget ngegambarin proses rekrut para relawan jihad isis.

Bukan film yang baik buat lo yang takut ego keagamaannya terlukai, jadi daripada lo merasa dinistakan atau kuatir keimanan lo terhempas, mending gausa ditonton.

Yang jelas, dari awal sampe akhir, gue pengen bener ngejewer kupingnya si Layla ini. Gampang bener dipengaruhin. Hadeh.

-

Dah, gitu aja. Ngantuk. Bye.

Oya, kalaw lo juga abis nemu hidden gem di netflix (non series), do please tell us too!

Selamat tengah malam ~

[crescenthemums]

Dulu saat sekolah dokter, di setiap sesi tutorial kasus, ada bagian penting dari penyusunan laporan yang namanya Identifikasi Masalah. Bagian ini berisikan poin-poin apa saja yang jadi inti dari kasus yang sedang dipelajari. Jadi biasanya ntar dari dosen akan dikasih satu-dua paragraf tentang sebuah kasus penyakit. Urutan ngerjainnya mulai dari klarifikasi istilah, lalu identifikasi masalah, kemudian analisis kasus. Bagian identifikasi masalah ini akan menyortir lagi dari paragraf tersebut, sebenarnya masalahnya ada dimana, baru kemudian akan dianalisis sampai akhirnya bertemu solusi, lalu kesimpulan.

Sesi tutorial ini dulu seringkali gue anggap sebagai alasan bisa kuliah bentar doang abistu pulang cepet, terus bisa jalan-jalan atau ngendon di kostan. Apalagi kalo tutornya ngga ngasih feed yang seru buat jadi bahan diskusi, atau anggota grupnya pasif, ngga ada hal baru yang dipelajari. Paling ujung-ujungnya gue berdebat sama Idung di kosan, bahas kasus sambil mikirin mau makan malem apa.

Tanpa gue sadari, sebenarnya prosesi tutorial ini punya efek yang sangat besar dalan membentuk pola pikir saat sedang menangani masalah. Terutama, bagian identifikasi.

Lo pernah ngga sih, punya masalah, terus kayak udah nyoba segala cara; dari yang mudah sampe yang susah, dari yang legal sampe ilegal, tapi boro-boro selesai, tapi malah muncul masalah baru lagi?

Well, okay, mungkin memang hidup adalah tentang perkara demi perkara. Tapi, coba deh lo inget-inget, lo tuh, udah tau belum, masalahnya sebenernya apa?

Misal ada pasien, dateng dengan segala keluhan mulai dari mual muntah demam lemes mencret dll. Kalau proses identifikasi masalah itu ngga dilakukan, yang akhirnya dilakukan adalah memberikan solusi simtomatis atau berbasis gejala; jadi mualnya dikasih obat mual, muntahnya dikasih obat muntah, demamnya dikasih obat demam, dll. Terus masalahnya selesai gitu? Ya ngga, cuma mereda sementara. Ngga lama kemudian keluhannya muncul lagi.

Ketika dilakukan proses identifikasi masalah, si pasien ini akan ditanya-tanya lebih lanjut, mulai dari onset gejala, durasi, kualitas keluhan, alur kronologi sejak keluhan belum muncul sampai memberat, faktor-faktor pemberatnya apa, faktor-faktor yang meringankannya apa dll. Lalu dirunut lagi pelan-pelan semua informasinya. Sampai akhirnya muncul satu akar segala masalahnya; misal, ternyata pasiennya frustasi gagal masuk universitas, akhirnya males-malesan makan, kondisi pencernaan terganggu, asupan nutrisi berkurang, terus daya tahan tubuh turun, muntah-muntah mencret, akhirnya dehidrasi, terus demam dan lemes.

Akhirnya obatnya ngga cuma untuk mengatasi gejala, tapi untuk mengatasi penyebab utamanya sehingga gejala itu ngga berulang lagi. Misal, memberikan terapi cairan untuk mengatasi dehidrasinya, memperbaiki asupan nutrisinya kalo perlu tambah obat untuk nafsu makan, lalu rujuk untuk konseling.

Mungkin tanpa sadar, dalam hidup, lo berkali-kali salah menentukan masalahnya apa, sehingga akhirnya solusi yang diambil ngga efektif. Masalah ngga selesai, malah timbul masalah baru. Mungkin tanpa sadar, lo tuh tau masalah intinya apa, tapi lo membantah. Lo ngga mau mengakui itu. Makanya akhirnya lo milih solusi yang paling gampang, less risk, dan langsung instan efeknya.

Dulu pas abis konseling pertama kali, Babab pernah nanya, gimana rasanya. Gue inget waktu itu gue jawab; rasanya kayak dikasih senter. Jadi konselor itu semacam senter yang ngasih cahaya ke sudut-sudut gelap, sehingga akhirnya lapang pandang gue makin luas, dan gue bisa melihat masalah gue dari segala sudut dan menyeluruh, terintegrasi satu sama lain. Sebenernya semuanya udah ada di sana, tapi gue nggabisa liat atau menolak liat. Makanya gue butuh orang lain, dalam hal ini konselor, untuk membantu gue melihat semuanya, lalu merunut pelan-pelan, sampe masalahnya teridentifikasi. Dari sanalah gue mulai menyusun solusi.

Tentu ngga semua proses identifikasi itu butuh konselor. Selama lo masih cukup capable baik secara fisik maupun mental, maka lakukanlah. Yang dibutuhin paling banyak adalah waktu. Sama diri sendiri. Proses ini krusial sekali, tentu. Karena percuma aja lo nyiapin solusi ini itu, kalo masalahnya apa aja masih ngablu.

Saat masalahnya sudah teridentifikasi---kalo perlu dalam bullet points, lalu lo udah tau mau ngapain sebagai solusi, yaudah kerjain, apapun resiko yang mungkin terjadi. Percuma aja kalo balik-balik cuma jadi wacana.

Setelah lo sudah sekuat tenaga menyelesaikan, mengendalikan segala yang lo bisa, sisanya,

bersumarah.

Mungkin hasilnya ngga baik-baik aja, mungkin baik-baik aja. Tapi yaudah, let the universe works.

Kepada semesta, memintalah, berlabuh selamat

[crescenthemums]

Bahkan ketika lo pake pelet atau jimat atau ajian jampi-jampi untuk membuat seseorang bertahan, ketika masa berlakunya habis atau ada pantangan yang dilanggar, lo akan tetep ditinggal.

Pada akhirnya, semua orang yang ada bersama lo saat ini, bakal beralih, berpindah, bergeser, lalu pergi, kok. Ngga ada, literally ngga ada, yang bisa bener-bener membuat mereka bertahan sama lo. Forever and always is a myth. Jangan goblok masih percaya sama pepatah dongeng macam itu.

Nothing can make someone stay; not love, not sex, not kids, not marriage, not even so called family. Blood is thicker than water they said? Ah, severe hemorrhage would suffer you a lot that you need water to help you survive.

Here's a flash reminder for your daily toxic positivity;

you could say I love you every seconds, shower them with lovely acts, give them all they want and need, be the best that you can, call them every spare time, meet them daily, do what they ask, not doing what they dislike, and they still leave.

You could reply their text in lightning speed, and they still leave. You could remember every single detail of them, and they still leave. You could give them any gifts they wish, and they still leave. You could accompany them from scratch, and they still leave. You could sacrifice every inches of your life for them, and they still leave.

You could check all of their messages box, and they still leave. You could ask them to be true and honest to you, and they still leave. You could have a professional spy to keep an eye on them, and they still leave.

You could have sex regularly, and they still leave. You could be pregnant, and they still leave. You could tie the knots in a marriage, and they still leave. You could give them all the access to your money, and they still leave. You could have their delightful brilliant kids, and they still leave.

They will still leave, if they want it. Period.

TAPI KAK??!!!

I'm not saying that leaving is a good thing to do. It maybe not, it maybe is. Depends. On what? Idk. All I know is, we have NO control over somebody's life. Lo nggabisa ngatur-ngatur orang itu harus sama lo doang sampe dia wafat. Ketika mereka mau pergi, ya mereka akan pergi aja, ngga peduli lo udah head over heels mempertahankan.

JAHAT BANGET, KAK!!!

Ya memang. Kata siapa dunia baik?

Belakangan rame-rame netijen ngomongin drama korea yang tentang kehidupan pernikahan itu, gue semalem akhirnya ikut-ikutan geng serumah nonton dua episode (yha walaupun bosen gakuat dan akhirnya gue tinggal-tinggal nyuci baju, jemur pakaian, ngecek flash sale shopee, baca artikel soal wound dressing dll).

Dengan referensi selintas gue nonton, mungkin lo bisa lebih relate kalo gue pake contoh ini; bahkan dengan karakter se-sempurna tokoh utama di drama itu, dia tetep weh diselingkuhin lakinya. Semua netijen akan sepakat kalo si tokoh utama ini kurang apalagi sich buuun, tapi ya itu buktinya ditinggalin juga kan. Ya karena emang ngga ada yang menjamin seseorang akan bertahan sama lo. Gitu aja udah.

Mau lo iket pake rante kapal juga mah ya, mereka bisa aja nyari tukang besi buat ngancurin rante itu. There will always a way.

Tentu ada saja mereka-mereka yang masih bertahan dalam satuan waktu yang tidak sebentar. Mungkin lo akan mengambil contoh-contoh relasi sehidup semati dalam kisah nyata yang lo tau. That's fine. Good for them. But in the end of the time, mereka tetep dipisahkan, kan? Oleh kematian.

The point is; never, EVER, have and expectation that you could make someone stay. Because you can't.

Then what to wish?

Seize the day.

Dalam relasi apapun dengan siapapun, rasa-rasanya yang paling masuk akal adalah make the most of it. Be your very best version, give your most sincere ones, like there will be no tomorrow, like you will be leaved the next day. Sehingga ketika semuanya benar-benar berakhir, atau lo benar-benar ditinggal, you'll have an easier closure and less regret.

Balik lagi, lakukan yang terbaik untuk apa-apa yang ada di dalam kendali lo aja, lalu belajar keras untuk menerima apa-apa yang ada di luar kendali lo; termasuk kemungkinan bahwa lo akan ditinggalkan dan orang-orang dalam relasi yang lo bangun itu tidak bertahan lagi. Lo ngga punya kendali atas hidup orang lain, se-ingin apapun lo untuk memilikinya.

Ya memang akan tetap sedih merana frustasi sakit kepala patah hati bahkan gila. Nggapapa. It's a cycle. Life is a series cycle of leaving and being leaved, kok. Lo juga bisa jadi sudah pergi dan menyerah dari relasi-relasi sebelumnya. Nggapapa. Begitulah likaliku kehidupan, beb.

Berikut sepercik tabokan untuk siang harimu yang terik yang gue temukan di twitter:

That's it. That's all for today.

-

p.s: postingan ini dibuat sambil mendengarkan Lost in Translation-nya Moira&Nieman. Now I dare you to re-read this post while doing so. Thank me later 👌

[mewangiya]

Obrolan Kaki: Coba Ingat Lagi

Zaki: Na, mau sampai kapan kamu enggak bisa menerima dirimu dengan merasa cukup? Coba kamu ingat-ingat lagi yang sudah terjadi deh. Kamu berjuang, Na. Kamu enggak diam saja. Kamu mencoba bertahan walau aku tahu dirimu sendiri pun tahu, kamu ingin menyerah. Kamu sudah berusaha semaksimal mungkin. Kamu sudah mengupayakan yang terbaik. Kamu tahu kan, kesempurnaan itu sebuah keniscayaan? Apresiasi dirimu sendiri, Na. Apresiasi usahamu sendiri. Coba lihat yang sudah kamu lakukan kemarin-kemarin, kamu sudah sekuat itu tetap melangkah. Kamu enggak memilih berhenti walau bisa jadi kamu lakukan itu. Kamu enggak mundur, kamu masih menjalaninya walau kedua kakimu merasa sangat lemah.

Kana: Aku tahu, Za. Iya, aku tahu.

Zaki: Kalau begitu berhenti menganggap dirimu enggak pernah cukup, ya. Kamu enggak butuh pengakuan orang lain dan kamu enggak perlu menjelaskan semuanya. Kamu yang paling tahu apa yang sudah kamu perjuangkan, bahkan dalam diam sekalipun.

[jannatulbidara]

When all this meaningful yet bullshit moment need to be ended. I might miss you like a crazy.

But still, I would face it bravely.

With fake laugh. Widest smile. Face it like it's nothing.

Your ARE the best one.

Yet the worst.

I might regret this.

I might be not.

Still. You will always be the most unbeatable one.

Tue, 14 April 2020.

The truth need to be told.

Menteng.

[crescenthemums]

Menolak Rehat

Serat-serat harapan masih terjalin

No. It's not. It's already ripped and ripped off. It's lacerated. How does it feel to have a hope? To know that there might be a better way to turn into? To believe that a brighter part of these were waiting ahead? It's much easier to walk in the darkness, an abyss could be just a step away to wait for an effortless and fearless fall. It's easier to wish for nothing.

Suaramu terdengar masihlah nyaring dan bergema di ruang-ruang hatimu

That might be the sound of being leaved high and dry, of being scarred or scared, of being totally tired, of being surrender. That's not a sign of asking for help, that'a a sign of not knowing what's help. That echoing noise happened so it can hear itself over and over again. No one's listening, anyway.

Tenangkan hati, semua ini bukan salahmu

Yeah, but how? How to stay calm while all over the world point they finger on you, because you are the one to put all the blame on? How to be fvckn sure that this isnt your fault, since you're the one who need to clean up all the mess?

Jangan berhenti, yang kau takutkan takkan terjadi

But it happened. All of those wild and bad thoughts happened. And they havent stopped ever since.

Yang dicari, hilang

No, it's there. What's being searched is definitely right there, but it costs a superpower to reach it. What's worse than knowing you see what you've been looking for, but you can't take it, you can't have it. You're freezed right where you are, and still be able to watch it in front of your eyes, so it feels like you're 24/7 be reminded of what you're incapable of.

Yang dikejar, lari

No, it's there. It's not running. You just can't catch it. Maybe because you no longer have hands to reach, maybe because you're too tired after a very long run then just when you're about to finish, you're dead. Maybe because you're just a total failure.

Yang ditunggu

So you just are done waiting.

Yang diharap

Then stop trying.

Biarkanlah semesta bekerja untukmu

Because no, universe no longer works for you. Or never did.

Tenangkan hati

Sleepless night, nightmare-ceptions, sudden sadness, spontaneous tears, harder days. Peace is a myth.

Semua ini bukan salahmu

How if it is?

Jangan berhenti, yang kau takutkan takkan terjadi

It happened. A lot more than a human can handle.

Kita coba lagi untuk lain hari

What for? To be reminded again how much failure I would get? To be hurt again by the fact I could do nothing?

Kita coba lagi

Nope. Enough. Done trying.

Yang ditunggu, yang diharap, biarkanlah semesta bekerja untukmu.

Work for what? For ruining all the plans? For breaking all the dreams? For messing up all the efforts?

Tenangkan hati

No I can't. Ever.

Semua ini bukan salahmu

Yes it is mine.

Terus berlari

No I'm done.

Yang kau takutkan takkan terjadi

Yes it happened.