- Thou art always right. Always.
- To show that thy instrument is indeed the best, proceed to showing the low brass that thou canst play in their range. Then quickly proceed to showing up the trumpets in the high octaves.
- If thou art playing less than FFFFFF, thou art wrong.
- When warming up, make sure thou randomly squeel’st notes never written.
Thou must not mingle with saxes. For they are beneath thee.
- Thou must memorize Mozart. For He is God, and His work the Bible.
- When thy conductor says “bring out the moving lines”, thy half notes are STILL more important.
- Thou must always play with epic air. Anything less makes thou a trumpet, and a poor one at that.
- Thou art never “support” to a soloist, but rather the only interesting thing going on.
- Thy solo NEVER needs backup. If it does, thou art not playing well enough.
- If backup is written in the score, thou may’st bitchslap the composer.
- Dump thy spit into trumpet cases.
- Thou must be arrogant. For thou art required in every type of ensemble (Band, brass choir, woodwind choir, orchestra, etc)
- Horn women are hot, and should be worshiped.
- Ugly horn women are actually trumpet players in disguise. Kill them and dispose of the bodies.
- If thy conductor proceeds to make the horn players play offbeats, thou must own said offbeats and then complain loudly about how the trombones and trumpets never seem to get them right.
- Horn rips are written when the composer had nothing better for you to do. FFFFFF is bare minimum.
- Thou must respect thy 4th players. For whilst they may not be as good as thou art, they are playing horn.
- Thou shalt play whole notes louder than the tubas, for thou art better.
- Thou shalt make friends with the trombones. When world domination occurs, they are by far the best bet for slave labor.
- Thou mustn’t worship the euphoniums for they are unimportant.
- Thou shalt come in loudly, even if thou comest in on the wrong partial.
- Sousa is the devil.
- Russian composers will make thee go low. Thou must be prepared to be the root for the tubas.
- Thou mustn’t refer to thyself as “French Hornist”…or anything with “French” in it…for thou art not stupid.
- Thou must always sound like pure sex whilst playing.
- Thou shalt have a social life.
- Thou shalt harmonize parts whenever it pleases thee.
- Thou shalt spend 30 minutes preparing thy instrument for playing, and even longer when it needs bathing.
- Thou shall not date flute players, for they are inferior.
- Thou shall make companions of bassoonists and oboists, for this is how it has been since time began.
- Thou must be thy band director’s favorite.
