and what about you? do you have plans? for the future? goals? something to look forward to? or has life broken you so much that you'd resorted to short-lived happiness? ones that come as easily as they go? you rely on no strings attached, no lifelong commitment, no additional burdens of new, heavy, scary responsibilities. you'd rather people get hurt after you've left, because by then it's no longer a problem of yours. you'd rather move on to the next best thing, the next person or thing that can bring you that unadulterated joke you so crave for, or at least anything remotely close to it. because you know, deep down in the trenches of your seemingly wretched heart, i was the one thing that allowed you to finally feel it. all this time, it's always been just close enough, yet still out of reach. call me a narcissist, but i know i was the one thing that scared you the most, for all the new kinds of joy and feelings you'd never even imagine you could felt, you had to feel and face because of me. and so you do what you do best; run away from it. when it starts to overwhelm, instead of having to deal with the pain of being left, you leave first. so you left, and decided not to dwell on it too much, lest it starts to feel real and painful again. enough pain. you do not like to deal with it. so you leave, and you run, and you pretend like nothing happened. and you grasp onto that familiar feeling again--not having to commit, pining and yearning from afar. safe. you feel safe. the feeling is familiar and safe. this way nobody gets hurt but you. and even so, the pain is also familiar. you are scared of taking leaps of faith, for having been disappointed more times than you can count-growing up. so you opt for the familiar and safe feelings instead.
i hope despite all of this, i still continue to haunt your mind. prancing wildly in the fog of your memory. i hope you still hear my blearing laughter, i hope you see shadows of me in the corner of your eye. i know there could be no one else quite like me, but i hope you stumble upon pieces and fragments of me in the littlest things. in the coffee orders i used to love. at the roadside stalls, in my favorite food orders, my writings and favorite artist. my playlists and songs. in my words. in the echoes of my low octave voice. in the things i taught you, the stories i've told, the world i showed. i hope i never leave your mind, even as you stare seemingly lovingly at another, even if the reasons for your smiles and quick-paced heartbeats are now because of another.
i hope you are always reminded of how genuine my love for you was, is, will be was. and i hope you never feel that again with anyone else.
i can wish you well, but deep down in the trenches of my seemingly wretched heart i know, there will never be anyone else who can come even close to who i am, who i was in your life.
