Getting Personal

haii. this is my second personal tumblr. for more deep and intricate thoughts. it includes: -rants -confessions -problems and anything else. i do jump back and forth between this one and my other personal tumblr If you have any thoughts, go ahead and leave me an Ask

[jaydumbledore-blog]

i don't know how to feel. knowing full well that you like talking to my best friend. and not me. how i try to be your friend and you try to be hers. It's funny how i lost against two of my best friends. last year i lost to her. and this year i lost to a different one. it's funny how you stop talking to me and talk to them instead. I can't help but feel defeated and ugly. This happened twice. how am i supposed to feel if i try to become close to you but another girl walks in the picture, and there's no room for the three of us. so i eventually leave because it's clear i'm not wanted.

[jaydumbledore-blog]

is it possible to fall into tears everytime i talk to you? in person, i try not to. but when we're not face to face, i always end up crying. da fuck.

[jaydumbledore-blog]

i am my own worst enemy.

i tell myself things far worse than anybody else would ever say out loud. i always put myself down.

[jaydumbledore-blog]

i think we're at that stage when we're done making memories and only have them to look back upon.

in other words, i miss you.

[jaydumbledore-blog]

i hate this. 8 times today, i caught myself looking at another person and thinking, "why can't i be smarter/ prettier/ skinnier/ more social/ funnier like her?"

[jaydumbledore-blog]

so there's this girl who's really loud and ailhsfdluidof. like, she's a cutie but a little bit on the chubby side. but you can't tell her anything because she will totally butcher it for you somehow. like there's this kid who likes me in our swim class. and i know already but i just act like i don't because i don't want to be awkwarded. and the worst part is that she knows. and she's like "do you think there's anyone you like in this class?". and i'm like "no" and she's like "so there's nobody good looking?" i'm like "i never said that. there's attractive people but they're not my type." and everyone in our swim class knows that he likes me. and really loudly, she's like "you know, theres a person who likes you in this class and everyone else knows it but you. and you're in denial of it. you're an ass." and in my head i'm like, "yeah, i'd rather be an ass than a jerk who can't keep a secret and somehow manages to contradict herself." Another time, my friend with total low self esteem was going to ask out a girl. and i've been trying to get him to ask her out. but she totally butchered his chances and lowered his self esteem. like, what the fuck. and the other day she was using an example of something that's never gunna happen and she's like, ". . . is like him gaining enough  self confidence to ask out a girl". that's mean. and another time we were discussing how our other friend gets cute guys who do cute things. like that one kid with low self esteem wrote her a poem. and she said something about how they weren't dateable. and i told her that's mean. and she's like "would you date them?" and i'm like, "no because they're not my type." and she's like "exactly." wtf. i wouldn't not not date them. but i wouldn't exactly date them either. considering i'm not going to date until college. and she argues. and it's bad enough that she's in debate team and is good at it. and she "practices" and puts all these bullshit words in my mouth. it's so fucking annoying. and she brings in another friend that we're both friends who's a wannabe debater. ish.

but today, she kind of over did it. She, out loud, asked a girl if she cut herself. and she didn't even say it like she cared. Once again, it was in swim, and we were all sitting in attendance order (keep in mind theres over 60 kids in that class). and she was just like, "do you cut yourself?" and the girl didn't know how to respond. and so she asked again. and i was like "Dude, that's not something you say out loud." ohmygosh. is she fucking retarded or something? thats fucking personal. It's none of her fucking business let alone saying it out loud. it just really pissed me off because that's not something you say out loud.

[jaydumbledore-blog]

im science we were choosing groups of three for the lab we were doing tomorrow. and we sit in these two tables side by side so it's four people per row. and yeah, those three in my row grouped up. i guess it was sort of obvious considering i don't have friends. they're all my friends, in a way. we talk and yeah. but when it comes down to working in groups, i know where i stand. i would work by myself, but we're not allowed to. it's okay.

[jaydumbledore-blog]

i'm tired of this one sided relationship. i'm trying to build it and you're doing nothing to help. so finally, yesterday, i asked you.

me: hey, you: yes? me: do you remember how things used to be? you: yeah me: do you like it better this way. you: what do you mean? me: distanced. in a way.

and you don't reply. i think my question is answered by the obvious. i'm done.

[jaydumbledore-blog]

when pretty girls cry, they look cute. everyone cares because nobody wants to see a pretty face get hurt. but if you're like me, an ugly girl. It doesn't matter if you cry, you still you ugly and like a big mess. and most of all, nobody gives a fuck.

[jaydumbledore-blog]

so. now i know why i was down yesterday. yesterday would have been your year anniversary with my best friend. you asked her out. last year. on that very yesterday. that's the day that changed our relationship forever.

[jaydumbledore-blog]

the thing is, i hate a lot of things. i hate how easily i get self concious. Like at school, i'd be walking and i would see a girl that a lot of people talk about. like there's this one girl whom i know, but only her name and face. and she was sitting on the floor. and these guys stop in front of her and they tell her to go inside or her pants will get dirty. Obviously, they're only talking to her because he has a pretty face. and a lot of guys admit she's pretty. And i'd be put down. because why am i not pretty? why do i look like the way i am? it's not fair. I feel like nothings fair. I'm not pretty, i can't sing, and i can't dance. i'm not artistic or talented. So i have nothing going for me.

and i was walking in the halls and i see a girl. and she's so skinny. and she has nice clothing. and i wonder, why can't i be skinny like that? she's so skinny and pretty. which is why she's popular. Face it, you never see a popular girl who's unattractive. i want to be a pretty girl. a skinny girl. a girl that people will actually want to be seen in public with.

[jaydumbledore-blog]

it takes two to build up a relationship. and i'm not talking about a boyfriend girlfriend sort of thing. i'm talking about a friendship. to be honest, i miss you so much that it hurts me. i remember when we used to be obsessed with seeing each other. at least i was. we would literally hang out as much as possible outside of school. and we would share a locker sort of. and i would tell you everything. and i eventually liked you. but you fell for my best friend and my world fell apart. and for some reason, i pushed you guys to have a relationship. and you did. it hurt even more that you guys denied liking the other when it was clear to me. i didn't belong in this picture. and i sort of, i don't know. that part seems blurry. but i blew up on you. and we went through a phase of not talking. i still have your apology message. and then we started to build up our friendship again. but it wouldn't be the same.

and you told me during that time, everyone else left you. and i was the last to leave. and you said you'd be there for me. Where are you now? i keep pushing forward because i need you and i miss you. and you're closing the door. everyone left me. i have no friends. nobody to talk to. and i guess i thought your offer was still valid where you said you were going to be there when i needed to talk. how you would always have time for me. how you would listen. i guess we were mistaken, huh? just empty words and empty promises. and i'm trying so hard not to talk to you. and i guess i should stop trying to rebuild our friendship. because it's obvious you don't want to be my friend anymore. i annoy the living shit out of you. and yeah, i wrote that post where it asked who someone important to me was. and without a doubt, i chose you. because you were important. becuase you were the only one who remained by my side. but i guess that isn't the case anymore, is it? you just don't care. I'd rather you hate me. because not caring is worse. it's like you don't even care enough to hate me or have some sort of feeling towards me.

oh god, just writing this brings a lump in my throat and tears to my eyes.