BDSM Relationships: The Responsible Dominant
The way to go about getting some quick, easy sex is to sign up at an alternative lifestyle site and start advertising your dominance and how you can get any submissive weak at the knees and completely satisfied. Right? No, buddy, there are real, experienced submissives out there that will know you for the player you are. Unfortunately there are also new girls that do not know what it is they are looking for yet and your little illusion could get them interested. I hope this article shows you that submissive women are not cheap, easy lays. In fact they are a special kind of woman who needs someone who knows how to handle someone who has the need to serve another and be dominated. Not only would you not know how to handle this type of woman, that many see as “needy” and co-dependent”, but you would also not have a clue how to wield any of the toys used in BDSM play.
"Kneel bitch and suck me" is not the way to capture the heart, mind and spirit of a true submissive and even the new ones soon see right through you.You will hear lots of people in the lifestyle talk about the responsibility of a dominant. You will hear lots of talk about the pillars on which to build a D/s relationship - those pillars being honesty, respect, obedience and trust. The obedience you shout that you need, is only one aspect of it. Someone needs to respect and trust you in order to gain their obedience and honesty. Honesty is not only a one way street either.
If you are married and don’t feel like sharing that information, you do not belong in the lifestyle. If you cannot be honest with your wife, you would not be honest with your submissive and that would lead to a break down of trust. Do you see the whole house of cards collapsing on you yet? If you are married and your wife is aware of your kink and supportive of it, even though she does not play, you need to inform the submissive and even allow these women to talk to each other about the boundaries your wife expects. You need to make sure that you are willing to take responsibility for your new submissive’s feelings, safety and general wellbeing when you are with her and that you do the same for your wife.
In order to respect a submissive’s need for safety, you need to respect her need to make a safe call when you meet and to give her information like a copy of your passport and your driver’s license. You need to respect that she will have to know she is safe by honoring her right to use a safe word that both of you agreed upon and by honoring all her limits. In order to honor anyone’s limits, you need to at least know all the areas of play (if only the definition). You need to make sure that you do not use any toy without some training and knowing what the risks are when using it, as well as what to do when things go wrong. For instance, someone who knows what he is doing would never leave a submissive that he tied up alone in a room. A few things could happen, the submissive could go into shock or her circulation could become impaired, leading to injury. Even using rope to restrain someone has risks. A submissive needs to trust that you will be able to look after her.
If you have been honest enough to admit to your novice status, it is always a good idea to go and see a mentor in your local community, taking the submissive along, for training. It is good to grow together and it gives the submissive cause to relax with you as you clearly show that your intent is honorable.
Respect a submissive’s need for friends and family support. Do not alienate her from her circle of loved ones. It is disrespectful and does not show any concern for her wellbeing. Respect it when your submissive is sick or feeling emotional. Do not expect her to only serve you then. Sometimes a dominant serves as much as a submissive. When things are tough for your submissive and you help her through it, she will do anything for her. It is a fact that this will help any other type of relationship too.
Read up on the lifestyle. There are a lot of books out there and one that I would recommend for a first read is “The Loving Dominant”. It will help you see what a submissive really is, how a submissive thinks and how to treat one with love, care and respect. It really is a need for the submissive to serve and if you are responsible and caring, you will save a girl from another monster out there who is out to abuse the first girl like it that comes along. This lifestyle is not about abuse. It is about consensual dominance and submission for some, consensual sadism and masochism for other and consensual bondage and discipline. Note the word consensual does not ever disappear.
You are also responsible to maintain the structure you set up with your submissive. If she breaks the rules, it is your responsibility to make sure that she is either corrected or punished. It is your responsibility to train her in how to serve you in the way you like and it is your responsibility to be consistent and clear in your instructions.
Do you see now why I said wrong in the beginning of this article? BDSM is not an easy way to get sex. It is a lifestyle demanding honesty, respect, trust and consent. It is a way of satisfying our darker fantasies without getting hurt and a way to let go of the shame of being different. You better believe that this is what you want before you lead a girl down the path of submission and let her down.
Bea Amor, Yahoo Contributor Network
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