JazzyBear's Big Pile of words

Started this blog when I was 18 and tbh I completely forgot about it til now, but recently I’ve been wanting a place to vent and get things out there without people I know and family breathing down my throat. I’m now 26, married with a baby. So here we go I guess.

[jazzybearsbigpileofwords]

!! Tw for anyone with body image issues!!

Things that I now know were extremely unhealthy ideas regarding my body.

-I thought my boyfriend wanted to get back together with me after a month apart because I had lost 10lbs in a month because our break up made me spiral into a manic depressive episode, where I weirdly felt happy because he was an emotional leach but also had continual panic attacks also because he was an emotional leach and was friends with all my friends and wouldn’t just let me be

-I didn’t weigh enough to give blood when I was a senior in hs and I felt weirdly proud of myself for it (same period of time of the emotional leach).

-when I lost a lot of weight and had to get new shorts my mom took me on a shopping spree and it was the first time she didn’t make me get shorts that were and inch above my knee and let me get as many new shorts as I wanted for summer. I clung to those shorts years later, convinced I was going to fit in those size 3 shorts again even though when I fit in them I was extremely unhealthy, but I felt like it was the first time I was told I could wear what I wanted because I was skinny.

-also around this same time frame, my mom let me by my first string bikini and I felt like really hot shit in it so I also cling to that bathing suit even years after it was way too small for me because it made me feel validated as a person cause it’s also what I was wearing the day my emotional leach of a boyfriend wanted to get back together with me because I wouldn’t he firends with benifits with him, and he was mistaking physical attraction with love.

Yes I should probably be in therapy.

For years I went around thinking I wasn’t enough because I was too much and I’m finally in a place where I don’t feel that way anymore. There are still times where I’m self conscious. I hate having photos taken of me because I’m self conscious of my double chin and my belly. But I will fiercely stand up for myself because I love myself and I’ve worked really fucking hard to get where I am.

[jazzybearsbigpileofwords]

Things that are deemed socially acceptable to say to people with body image problems

-calling them plus sized when you haven’t heard them call themselves that.

The first time someone called me plus sized I cried for a whole day.

-telling them you think a clothing item would be “flattering” on them, and then showing them something that’s a plus sized item or on a plus sized model.

-asking if they could wear a size 16 when they only wear a size 8 or 10

You might mean well but please think before you speak. You never know when you could be talking to someone that’s struggling with their body image. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with any of these things if you are okay with being called plus sized or someone asking if you can wear a size 16, but for someone like me who struggles every day with loving themselves, it’s hurtful and feels backhanded.

[jazzybearsbigpileofwords]

Something people don’t often talk about is how hormone changes after giving birth just REALLY fucking wrecks you. Like not even on the emotional side, but it makes you retain water like crazy, and if you have body image issues like I do that really fucks with your mind. Then your fucking hair starts falling out, and your face can’t decide what it’s doing anymore. Everything you thought you knew about your skin care routine? Fucking CHUCK IT OUT A MOVING VEHICLE. Anxiety? Yup that gets worse too. Oh wanna be on the pill so you don’t IMMEDIATELY get pregnant again, but you’re breastfeeding? Take this pill that only has progesterone which also MAKES ANXIETY WORSE. Want a non hormonal birth control? Okay lest shove a piECE OF FUCKING COPPER into your uterus that your body might just end up pushing out anyways cause it naturally doesn’t want a HEAVY FUCKING METAL IN YOUR BODY. Like okay I guess pushing a full grown baby out of my vagina and then having to care for and keep said baby alive isn’t enough, let’s just pile on the worst crippling anxiety you’ve EVER EXPERIENCED along with all this other weird shit your body does. LIKE OKAY I’LL JUST GO FUCK MYSELF BYE.

[jazzybearsbigpileofwords]

Re reading some of my old posts and seeing how toxic I was makes me fucking sick.

I mean I can still be toxic but at least I recognize it now holy shit.

[jazzybearsbigpileofwords]

One day I want someone to respect me. To look up to me you know? I strive for that. But I feel like all I do is try to keep up with people. I feel like most of my friends look down on me. Like i'm some naïve kid. And I know it's because I'm nothing special. I'm not pretty or particularly smart or good at anything. But if just one person some day would look up to me, I would be happy. But I guess I'm just not that type of person am I.

[jazzybearsbigpileofwords]

Bitching.

I guess the reason I want to hold onto my art so much is that it's really the only thing that's the least bit special about me. And honestly i'm not very good.  But you take away my art and there is nothing special there. there's nothing special about me physically.  I have an average looking face, with no striking features that draw attention. I'm chubby. I'm short. And there's nothing special about my personality. Unless you consider being weird special. I'm just average.  But I'm tired of being average. I really am.  People don't look at me, they look past me. I want people to remember me.  I don't want to be known world wide, I don't care about that. But I would like to leave an impression on the people I know. I feel like I'm perpetually just the person that's "just there."  In my group of friends I always find myself standing around thinking "would it really even bother them if I just wasn't even here?" People invite me to hang out but I feel like it's always just an afterthought to invite me.  like they're just being nice and they really don't genuinely just enjoy my company. 

Well I got a bit off track but I guess I just wanted to vent really. Sorry guys. 

[jazzybearsbigpileofwords]

It just hurts...

[jazzybearsbigpileofwords]

Woah I almost forgot about this blog

[jazzybearsbigpileofwords]

When you want to help someone more than anything but you just.. can't. 

[jazzybearsbigpileofwords]

I don't know what's wrong with me

I'm just tired and frustrated and unmotivated to even get out of bed in the morning. I have no reason for felling like this. Not really anyways. My mom just talks non stop about my dad and how he doesn't care and the only reason he comes home is so he can eat and sleep. My dad hardly says anything mostly because when he comes home he's had so much to drink to the point to where I never tell him anything at night because he won't remember what I said in the morning. I'm just tired of having to put up a front when I'm out and about. I hardly see any of my friends anymore besides a few that I see on campus. And they all have their own problems so why should I burden them with mine? Why should I talk to anyone about this? It's my problem rite? 

I miss my Boy friend. I miss seeing him and hugging him.  I miss going to see him after my classes. I miss being able to even just talk to him all the time. 

I feel nervous ans anxious all the time. I feel tired no matter how long I sleep.  I feel a weight on my chest that makes me feel like I'm suffocating. All of my joinst hurt for no reason. I can feel myself falling into a depression.  And I can't even think of anything to write. I'm just tired.

But I shouldn't complain.

I don't know what's wrong with me. 

[jazzybearsbigpileofwords]

Uhg I hate being like this.

[jazzybearsbigpileofwords]

I'm going to miss you so much. I'll miss being able to spend the day with you and hugging you and laying next to you and going places with  you and just being close to you. And as bad as it sounds I'll miss having sex with you. because that to me is a closeness unlike any other. It's going to suck, you being across the country.  It's hard it's now to imagine you being any further than 15 minutes away from you.  It's just gonna suck. And I'm probably gonna cry, a lot.  But I don't want you to feel bad. I want you to be happy that you'll be living close to family now. The half you actually like.  I'll just miss you. Maybe I'm being selfish, wanting you to stay.  I know you're gramma needs you.  And I know you need to be around family, but damn it, I'm gonna be selfish in that way and want you to stay.  There's just not enough time. Not enough fucking time.

Please don't get upset with this post. Cause as much as it's gonna suck, I love you.  And that's not gonna change.  So, we'll make this work. And we can visit each other, hopefully within the next year.  If not then it will be okay. It's all gonna be okay.  Even though I'm crying rite now and it hurts rite now, it's all gonna turn out okay.  Cause we're strong enough and our love is strong enough.  And hey, distance makes the heart grow fonder rite?

[jazzybearsbigpileofwords]

I hate that i can't ever do anything for you. I can make you happy temporarily and give you dumb gifts that i make. But when you go home and I leave the happiness goes away. I try and try to make you happy and it never sticks. The one thing i'm able to do and I fail at it. I wish i could make all your financial problems go away. I wish i could take away all the responsibilities of your gramma so she won't be stressed. I wish i could win the lottery and give you all the money, even though you wouldn't take it. I just Wish i could do SOMETHING. I hope this post doesn't make you upset. I love you. I really really do. So much.

[jazzybearsbigpileofwords]

I find myself getting more and more nervous everyday.

[jazzybearsbigpileofwords]

Have you ever thought about the fact that

In this country, to stay on your parents health insurance after you turn 18, you have to be a student. But you think about it and, collage costs a lot more than health insurance. 

See what the government did there?

[jazzybearsbigpileofwords]

I guess

sometimes you really can't think of the future to enjoy the present.

[jazzybearsbigpileofwords]

Haven't posted anything from here in a while.

Haven't really had much to say. :T I guess my moral of the week is that you should always be honest. At least with your friends or with your significant other. Cause if you lie to family they have to forgive you cause they're your family. But friends and relationships are a lot different. Because secrets are things that can break a relationship or friendship. Even if you feel like telling the person the truth will mess things up, think about how bad it would be for them to find out about it and see that you haven't been honest. Wich would be worse?