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Letters.

I have written many letters with feelings of feelings that I felt, letters of moments you would never understand, and each of them were written with courage I did not know I had.

Deliberately, I have written undeliverable letters to everyone who walked away with a piece of me and gave me nothing but silence in return. I offered myself words they could not provide and left them with what they thought I could not handle, silence.

J.Bestevez

Conundrum.

I keep saying to myself “I just need some answers” and I answer by asking “how much more do I need.” The hardest things to let go of are the ones you truly want to work out.

I find myself continuously enlarging your love to hold onto you, even when you choose to be selfish and uncaring. I give an abundance of life to the good moments we share so that when I doubt the sincerity of your I love you’s, I can validate this nothingness with my belief of you being better than you are.

I have reserved an empty seat for you, thinking that one day you’ll learn to appreciate this warm space, but your tenderness is provisional and you have forgotten what it is like to be still with someone else.

So here I am, partially devastated by your inability to presently love my soul and at the same time awakened by the appearance of my disquieting ego.

The length of time that I wait stretches, every moment I wonder how can you not be afraid to lose me, and while I dwell in doubt, I end up losing myself.

J.Bestevez

Reflection of Personal Growth '13

1. This year I focused on healing, giving love, and displaying genuine kindness. At times, it took a great amount of effort. I was challenged by the thought of not everyone deserving to be let in, but I’m glad I let people in anyway. 2. In my pursuit of good karma, I realized that no matter how good I am to others, not everyone is going to reciprocate my kind gestures and that’s perfectly fine. Some people don't know how to love and others arent ready to share it (no hard feelings harbored). 3. I worked on my patience by accepting that regardless of how passionate and driven I am, not everything is going to happen when I want it to and that doesn’t make me any less competent. 4. I shook off any bitterness that surfaced, looked at my imperfections without making any excuses for my poor choices and I renewed my faith by forgiving myself first. 2013. I made life good by loving better and I’m undoubtedly grateful for everyone that I had the opportunity to share it all with.

All Love.

Walk in love.

One day, you’ll come across a person that’ll ruin you and simultaneously define your foundation of love. That’ll be the person that you’ll look back on prior to taking the next step with someone that makes you want to take a chance, and you’ll sit there to pick apart all of the details.

You’ll remember the moments when you felt like you were gasping for air, tears were running down your face uncontrollably, and you were choking on every single one of your emotions.

You’ll question why you should give a new person a chance, without thinking that in doing so you’re also making space for the opportunity to love differently.

You’ll think about how easily effort can go to waste and the challenges of compromising because you know what it’s like to feel shorted.

You’ll find yourself pacing back and forth within your memories. Then, you’ll realize that you’re battling between your innate desire to love openly and the fear of hurting again.

You’ll remember that cold winter night when you were wrapped up in the arms of someone that once made you feel secure and you’ll start to miss the comfort of enjoying the silence, but it won’t be enough to remove the doubt and I. complete get it.

A recovered addict does not want to fall for an addiction after recuperating, and how “smart” would you be to take the risk of feeling broken for a second time? Right?

Well, what if I told you that we are all broken and the one thing that makes us whole is giving into love? would you be able to fearfully love again?

The past has given you the ability to make new meanings by building on your experiences. Granted, you might not love like you once did, but you don’t have to. Ultimately, it’s not about falling in love, it’s about walking into it consciously.

J.Bestevez

The other person in the room.

It was a weekday night, and “S” was sitting in a room filled with laughter influenced by trivial conversations. She chimed in every once in a while and laughed because for a moment she was genuinely having a good time. As the guests slowly departed, she noticed that the only people that remained in the room were the couples and she found herself in a place of remembrance. It dawned on “S” that he was missing.

She began to feel jealous of what everyone else in the room had. It wasn’t the kind of jealousy that inspired her to think that they weren’t deserving of the glossy eyes, lost in love look. No, she was happy for them. It was more of the jealousy that reminds you of how much you want what you once had but haven’t been able to find, again.

Consumed by her silence and unwanted feelings, she got up and decided to go. As she walked away she forced a smile and silently told herself “one day, it’ll be my turn.”

Lost without love and left with nothing but time,“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”

J.Bestevez

We hide and seek.

The “truth” is that even when we see ourselves for exactly who we are, we are too afraid of that not being enough or it being too much for someone else. So we find ourselves trapped in an endless game of hide and go seek, and the only time we allow others to see the side of us that scares us most is when we get lost in those rare instances of comfort.

I wanted so badly to show you how caring I can be, but what if the vehemence of my vulnerability frightens you?

J.Bestevez

Art of the week: “City of drawers” By: Salvador Dali

This is by far my favorite painting by my favorite artist.|I think it should be called “Woman of drawers”|

Interpretation: There are so many components to what makes a person who and what they are, that a lifetime wouldn’t be enough to explore all of the dusty corners and hidden drawers.

People dwell on the phrase “you could never know a person enough” as if that was actually a bad thing. Who am I to make a home out of anyone’s existence and demand them to show me things about themselves that they have yet to discover?

And even if they have, why would I take offense in being left out of memories or feelings that I did not help create?

I.. come with my own Drawers, Secrets, Agenda

But I also come with extra space for new drawers to fill with new secrets to share with a new person.

Drawers, everyone has them -Rightfully- and they’re not all for display.

#Art

Blame.

Today I found out that you compared me to your present, and I almost apologized for being me.

I heard the complaints about your inability to understand me and the sound of judgment was clear in your every word. I discovered that our interactions were disengaged, we faked acceptance, and appreciation was foreign to our relational experience.

You blamed me for blaming you, I pointed out every single one of your flaws, and now, somehow, the qualities are blurred.

Today. I heard. your raw. distasteful. impression. of who I was when we were you, and I almost apologized for being me because I lost myself in your existence.

#Poetry

There is a mockery about age that I never quite understood. You find yourself stuck in between a time-line where you are too young to take anything seriously and old enough to understand when things stop being a joke. To say that I knew exactly how I felt would be a lie, at that very moment the entire world was moving but I stood still. Unsurprisingly, someone else’s choices had me on a choke-hold and my eyes were ready to unload the weight that my heart could not carry. Using my inner voice I repeated to myself what I was told “This is the first time in my life that I will have to be without you, I love you”. There was so much power in the hands of the person who uttered that phrase, that I automatically felt a void. There I was feeling this numbness, which is oxymoronic because who feels when they are numb?

I did not want to figure out anything or explain why a part of me felt disconnected. I knew that there was a perfect space for clutter and that place was called memory.So I freely packed up my emotions and stored them away. Ideally, I would have been drinking a glass of wine and telling the world through a loud speaker that everything was not fine. Yelling at the top of my lungs that not knowing what was going to happen next scared the hell out of me. By the time my vocal chords gave up on me, sanitation would be a minute away from picking up our mess. My imagination was liberating but the reality was that assistance was not on it’s way. My mother lost her battle to the law and I never aired it out on a loud speaker. I was scared of her departure but I was too proud to show it, nonetheless yell it. Determinedly, after one last hug I closed my eyes and told myself “Tomorrow will be nothing like today”. The next day my life completely shifted and a brand new journey began.

In a colorful duffel bag I carry the story of a 58 year old woman. I have played dress up with every emotion that she ever projected. I wear the mismatched socks that she left behind and every sock is a reminder that precision and consistency never made it to my duffel bag. I am the daughter of a woman whose life was based on rehearsals and poor performances. A woman in pursuit of love, stability, and acceptance….

This is just a snippet.

Live.Learn.Embrace.Adapt.

Life is too short or too long to dwell on the apologies that you never received, things that did not last, and the people that turned out to be less than you expected. Forgive them, forgive yourself and create your own “closure”.

J.Bestevez

Make sure you’re both steering in the same direction because when the SHIP sinks, SHIT surfaces. #WarmReminder

How bitter can someone get before their wounds start to heal, and how much time does time need to eliminate intrusive thoughts? -The state of mind endorsed in the process of trying to be indifferent about the things that we care for must be insanity because neutrality knows nothing about the kind of passion that gets the best of our patience.

Change is constant and inevitable. Love people for who they choose to be at ANY given moment. Don’t be the reason for them to stumble, do not remind them of who they used to be simply because you don’t understand their choices. If their changes do not sit well with you, let them go but by all means let them BE... “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”

#growinlove #itellmyself

Tainted.

Some experiences ruin you and it's a shame that someone worthy of your untainted beauty will never get to see you clearly because you lost the ability to welcome affection, freely.

Transitioning from nothingness and emptiness to eminence is quite the experience... said the extremist.

Yesterday, I tried drowning you in my glass of wine, but the memories kept floating. #Perspective

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