wasting away @jdekendall - Tumblr Blog

Ugh not being able to go on vacations myself cause both my siblings use me as a house sitter when they go on trips 😩

I get to see my baby tomorrow and I can’t wait to kiss her, I miss her so much and I get to hold her for hours and have her all to myself 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

getting tatted over some of my scars today and it feels good to think people won’t see them, can’t wait to cover the other arm

always attracted to green characters so maybe its green thats hot

an opportunity to be not single has presented itself to me. but I haven’t truly minded being single. my first relationship was a mess back in 2016 and since then I haven’t seen much about relationships that’s worth it. I went on a few dates (all crazy or lame) and I dated an old buddy for a couple of months but besides that my experience is shit or weird.

I’m still extremely self conscious and this would be another in person relationship and I would just hope I’d be better at it then I was last. I wanna think that maybe it’ll be better cause I don’t know how I feel about her. We used to be friends in my freshman year of high school. I got her the job she has now at my work. My work, I left my last job to escape the last girlfriend I had, I got her that job too. I promised I wouldn’t date someone I worked with again. But a big part of me wants to think, what if it’ll be different? And maybe it would. Idk honestly.

I also honestly struggle with any kind of personal life though. I find it hard to balance that with working and we kind of work an almost opposite schedule, cover each other’s days off. She already comes to work on her days off to see me which is pretty sweet and she gets excited to see me and I just wish I could let go of the restrain I feel inside myself to not feel the same towards her. But I find it hard to balance time with work and friends and it might even be different being a gf and not just a friend. Might be harder.

Plus having to introduce a new person to my horrible fucked up head. I’m honestly losing a friend right now cause I can be a fucking asshole and I can’t go a week without struggling not to kill myself. I feel like it might be selfish of me to bring her into that. But I would really love to show a new person my family and I do think she’d fit in nicely. Idk idek how dating in a pandemic works really. Like what the fuck should we do? Also why does she like me? What about me does she like? I can’t help but feel like it’s not real

confession

I’m non-binary. I have been forever. I don’t look how I’ve wanted and I’ve always told myself that I never will look how I want until I can lose weight.

I’ve always had a weight problem. I have always wanted and I very clearly need to take better care of myself and lose weight but in the meantime, I’ve never liked how I looked.

I don’t want to wear all black, I don’t want to have long hair, I don’t want feminine features, my heart actually yearns to be on testosterone and I’d be dammed if I said I wasn’t jealous of every single person who is. I want at least a binder and I want top surgery. I want to dress like my friend gets to dress but I always know it won’t look the same. I am unhappy.

I don’t want to be unhappy anymore. But I don’t want to confuse my family, we have enough drama as it is with my dad working out of state from me already being the problem child. I think it’ll be very hard to be taken seriously. And it’ll definitely be hard to have my family use my correct pronouns. They’re all so normal and I already make them uncomfortable when I talk about depression and anxiety. Even my friends don’t understand sometimes. They don’t believe me.

I want to at least start dressing how I want to, I’m gonna get a binder, I’m going to buy a different swimsuit and some different shirts. I’m probably going to shave my head or at least get a men’s cut. I just want to be happy.

stupid mode activated, if I die I die

got emotional about my ex the other day, i havent cried about her in at least a few years. it’s always bittersweet when she comes to mind but at this point it hadn’t been making me upset. idk maybe it’s because of where I’m at in life. I’m gonna finish school soon and I’m getting really good with saving money, I’m getting older, I’m single as hell and haven’t had anything close to a relationship in about two years...

I also hate thinking about her. She was everything I could have asked for and yet she hurt me, she toyed with me and my emotions. She cheated. She wasted 7 months of my life. But I still loved her. I was in love with her until i broke up with her and even a little after.

I hate thinking about if we hadn’t split that day. If I hadn’t felt the way I did, if I didn’t see what she did. How much longer would I have been with her, how much more abuse would I have endured and believed and accepted.

I hate missing her.

sometimes I think about how it’s really lucky of me not to keep blades around anymore. i think im 7 months clean of self harm and thats great and all but i really hate the nights that I go reaching for what’s not there anymore

im old

maybe tw;suicidal

it’s a weird thing, aging. when you find that you’re suicidal at 12, living any year past that is just uncomfortably odd. ive been at a loss for years on what to do with my life now that ive chosen to live it rather than end it. it’s hard, and really odd. i have no idea who im supposed to be, i really only thought id be around til 16.. now i have to choose a career and be an adult and i just don’t get it... but im 20 now, i want to be proud of myself for getting this old but i feel like it just fuels my confusion

you’re a hypocrite

i hate myself

No one would actually care if I wasn’t around. i mean I just bring people down and I’m always an inconvenience to everyone else’s happiness. the world is probably better without me

feel like I’m gonna go fucking insane

dontcryoveryourirrationalthoughts dontcryoveryourirrationalthoughts dontcryoveryourirrationalthoughts dontcryoveryourirrationalthoughts dontcryoveryourirrationalthoughts dontcryoveryourirrationalthoughts dontcryoveryourirrationalthoughts dontcryoveryourirrationalthoughts dontcryoveryourirrationalthoughts dontcryoveryourirrationalthoughts dontcryoveryourirrationalthoughts dontcryoveryourirrationalthoughts dontcryoveryourirrationalthoughts dontcryoveryourirrationalthoughts dontcryoveryourirrationalthoughts dontcryoveryourirrationalthoughts

Got asked if i missed you today...

i do. i hate that i do. im sorry to myself that i miss you. but i miss when it was good. when i felt close to you, when we talked until 5 am, when i admitted just how much i liked you. i hate blaming myself for not being better when i didn’t do anything wrong. i can’t believe that i still miss you.

i just want a girlfriend whos nice to me

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wasting away