Hope. Faith. Love.

Jenny. 22. Finding myself. CSULA.

[jdiep4-blog]

One of the last things that my ex told me was that I wouldn't find anyone that would love him as much as he loved me. Right before of course telling me that I abandoned him in his "time of need". That has always been in my head. I keep telling myself that its not true and that I'll find that right person in my life. 

But again and again I get disappointed over and over again. I know he is not right and that I'll find someone again that will treat me right. But it is getting really frustrating because I keep feeling like I'm always someones last resort. 

[jdiep4-blog]

The memories of my past are haunting me

For some reason he's been popping into my head randomly for the past 2 weeks. I think I know what triggered it too. On my way to class I had to walk around these two girls who just stopped walking and one was squealing. As I walk past them I see that one of the girls was holding out her left hand showing her friend the engagement ring that she had on her left hand. For a second, my heart actually dropped and I felt sad. 

I don't know why this happened. But ever since that day, randomly, he's just popped in my head. Both good and bad memories. 

I want these memories to go away. Is there anyway that I can erase them? Cause I sure as hell don't want them anymore. The good and the bad 

[jdiep4-blog]

Last straw

I'm done. I will do what I have to do as a daughter and what my obligations entail as a daughter. But anything more... sharing my happiness and sadness with my mom. I'm done. She went as far as to change who I am and what I stand for. That my world around me is evil and I should see everyone in it as evil. I'm not changing who I am because of what she thinks might be good for me. I am me because of my past and what I've learned from my past experiences. 

No more sharing feelings with my mom. I am honestly, truthfully and heartbroken to say that I am done with my mom and her bizarre reality. 

[at-a-glance-deactivated20220119]

This brilliant Blurred Lines parody, created by Law students at Auckland University, was taken off YouTube. So here we go, let’s re-spread this. 

[dumbitchprincess]

Love it!

[naturalshocks]

The Law Revue link with 300+k hits still works for me, I’m confused.

[jdiep4-blog]

A lot has happened in the past few weeks. I have reached the greatest feelings of happiness and feelings of pain and disappointment.  And my friends are going through the same things. Happiness and sadness. 

I hung out with a friend last night and something that he said that was of his concern for himself ... applies to me as well. 

When is it my turn to be happy? When is it my turn to love and be loved again? It got me thinking. 

I've do believe that I have found happiness. Or well at least I think I did. Momentarily. But all thats put on hold right now because fate has decided to play another game with me. 

I don't understand why this fate keeps playing this game with me. Does fate just want me to be heartbroken... all the time? Just so I can find a momentary happiness? Its really not fair that fate keeps playing this stupid game with me. 

I just want to find happiness... is that too much to ask for? 

[jdiep4-blog]

Submitted my graduate school application!! :) #CSULA #history #mastersprogram

[jdiep4-blog]

Finals game got pushed back to 1030. :/ chilling till game time. :) #soccer #lifeofareferee #referee (at Griffith Park - Artificial Turf Soccer Field)

[jdiep4-blog]

Finally graduated! :) its been quite a journey through my ups and downs over the years but I finally made it! #csulagrad #csula #classof2013 #history #BAhistory

[jdiep4-blog]

Tehee! :) my mommy comes in with a thing of fruit for me to eat while I write my paper. All are my faves. :) #rambutan #logan #lychee #cantalope #grapes & #mandarians #foodporn #fruits #mommysgirl

[jdiep4-blog]

Anyone looking for a pup? Knights owner can't keep him and needs a good home. Pit bull pup. Born April 13, already got his first set of shots and de-wormed. He'll be approx 50lbs muscular adult. Let me know if you can take him. Hes so freaking adorable! #cute #needsahome #pitbull #dogs

[jdiep4-blog]

Happyness

My mom can go suck it. I don't understand her bullshit of thinking of the future generation and how "attractive" they look over your current happiness. I can't believe she told me that today. -__- She'd rather have an attractive kid with an attractive but unreliable person rather than someone who she can spend the rest of her life with and make her happy. Yeah, that logic makes no sense. Nor will I EVER EVER conform to that. 

Why can't she just be happy with me being happy. He makes me happy. He makes me smile. He takes care of me. He's there for me when I need him. Honestly, that is all that I need and want. I'm not going to change my life to make my mom happy. My happiness is most important. It took me years to learn that and when I finally do learn that my mom tells me otherwise. Yeah, fuck her. 

My life. My way. My happiness. 

[jdiep4-blog]

...

My mom knows exactly what to say or do to push my buttons. This time shes gone as far as saying that my history degree is insignificant, that my life is useless. Just because I haven’t given up on love because of dumbfuck doesn’t mean I’m useless. She keeps telling me, “Oh, you still havent learned your lesson with him?” I just want to be happy again. I don’t know where the future is going to take things but I’ve found someone that makes me happy, takes care of me, and understands me. I don’t get why can’t she be satisfied with that. Just because I’m not living my life the way that you want me to live doesn’t mean that my life has no meaning. She wants me to be the perfect daughter, go to school, come home and not have a social life. That’s not me. That’s never been me. I don’t get why she can’t accept me for me. 

I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I just want all her words to end. I don’t know what I can do to make her stop. She’s been going at it all day saying that my life is useless and everything in the book. I can only take so much from her. Right now I’m willing to do anything to make this all stop. I haven’t had thoughts like this in a very long time. Thoughts of wanting to end everything so I don’t ever have to hear it again. 

I absolutely HATE feeling like this.

[jdiep4-blog]

See ya 2012. Hi 2013!

2012 has been an interesting and eventful year indeed. With events that literally changed the course of my life and is continuing to do so everyday I can't complain much about this year. 

Everything happens for a reason and I understand that whomever is up there in the heavens above has something planned for me. Almost everyone has new years resolutions dealing with diets, exercise and etc. But all that really should just be a goal in life. Lol. So, my new years resolution for the year? Live life to the fullest as if each day is my last. I'm no longer dwelling on the past nor am I anxious about the future. I just want to worry about what is going on in the present. Life is too short to dwell on the something that you do not have any control over. 

[jdiep4-blog]

I've been battling in my head all day about this. We've been doing this for less than 4 months. Yet, every few weeks. I go through this emotional roller coaster of feelings about where "we" stand. I like him. And I just want to be someone that he wants to give his time to rather than fit me in when there's time. Even though that's what we agreed on in the first place about "us". I don't know how much longer I can keep chasing. It seems like I want this more than he does. 

Going through facebook, this was JUST the thing that I needed to hear/read. I don't know where life is going take him and I. But one I can't say is that I didn't try. 

[jdiep4-blog]

Emotions ... PMSing maybe?

We've already established what "we" are. But he sill has the amazing abilities to make me feel so many different emotions about him. He makes me happy ... no doubt. Just by even hearing his voice. But he also irritates the heck outta me sometimes. >_<

Gah!

Rant done. Now, for lunch and shopping with my mommy. :)

[jdiep4-blog]

It doesn't matter whether you're black or white or Hispanic or Asian or Native American or young or old or rich or poor, abled, disabled, gay or straight. You can make it here in America if you're willing to try.

President Obama

Yeah... I voted for this guy here! :)

[jdiep4-blog]

He makes me smile from ear to ear. :)