Abusive relationships are a real bitch. I wish it were as easy as saying “I forgive you.” I mean, he never hit me. But he spewed hateful and hurtful words that had the same effect as his fist would.
It hits you in waves. Some days you walk through your new life unfazed, you tell yourself you’re stronger because of everything you’ve endured. Other days you beat yourself up for making excuses for the bullshit for so long. But then you remind yourself that it’s not your fault.
Then the anger comes in full force.
You remember the day he started a screaming argument in the park because you told him you were going to see your favorite boy band in concert, he just couldn’t understand why you would want to spend your time doing something so stupid - screaming their names and getting drunk. When in reality, you just wanted to have a night out with your girlfriends. Which you had every fucking right to do.
You remember that time you defended his ex-girlfriend when he called her derogatory names, and he looked as you as if you just insulted his mother and proceeds to say, “don’t you dare do that again.”
You remember that time you started a new job, and your bosses son developed a school girl crush on you. You went about your days, being professional and minding your own business. But when your bosses son tweets you after work, he notices, and somehow decides it’s your fault. You were too friendly, obviously. You didn’t make it clear enough that you weren’t interested, obviously. When in fact, you were just doing your fucking job and trying to make a good impression. And so what if you were friendly, you’re a friendly person.
You remember that time he couldn’t handle the fact that you were a raging feminist.
You remember that time you told him you were going on a road trip with your mom, your cousin was getting married out of state and the two of you were making a vacation out of it. All he could say was something about how he wasn’t invited. Then, while at the wedding with your entire family, you decided you were going to leave your cell phone in your purse because you only saw them once a year if you were lucky. That decision resulted in a 3 hour phone argument the next day because you didn’t “let him know” you weren’t going to be at his disposal. So much for spending time with your family.
You remember that time he portrayed himself as the victim over and over again, when in reality you were the one being manipulated. And yet you still came out looking like the bad guy.
Even though you tried your to hardest to forgive him time and time again, it doesn’t change the fact that you could be walking down the street in your new city, in your new life, and suddenly you get that sinking feeling. If only you’d spoken up sooner. So even though you do forgive, you will never ever forget.
Hey Siri, play Mad Woman by Taylor Swift
