Life's Tough.

Get a helmet.

[je4nj3an33]

Friends

I used to have friends. I say “used to” because as I grew older, I realized that a lot of my friends were really backstabbing little hoes. No, I’m kidding. They grew up and grew away from me, and sometimes that makes me a bit bitter. I mean, I’m awesome. A little anxious, a bit panic-driven, a lot paranoid, but I’m up for most any adventure and I am always willing to listen to problems. Or hide a dead body. Apparently, that is no longer good enough. I’m not sure what people expect out of friends once you are an adult. Is it not enough that I would willingly sacrifice the precious few minutes I have to myself in order to assist in your whining about your life and your problems? Everyone has problems. Sometimes it’d be nice to talk about mine, but hey, you go for it. Just keep flapping your gums until your teeth fall out. I won’t complain a bit. No, really, I won’t. Because you’re my only friend. Oh, we aren’t friends? Oh, okay, I’ll go hide in the corner and cry with my remaining thirty seconds of freedom..... 

[je4nj3an33]

School, Oh How I've Missed You

School starts this week. Soon, the pitter patter of little feet will be just one set of little feet, and the other set will be headed off to higher education on the big yellow bus. Thank You, Jesus. I've missed school. I've missed the quiet during the day. I've missed the simplicity of the school schedule: up early and dressed, then back in the afternoon, homework, supper, bath, and bed. Maybe a bit of tv time. I know my child is getting exercise at school (which is good - I'm pretty sure I haven't seen her move more than just to the kitchen for a snack for the entire summer). I know she's being social with friends and, best of all, she's learning! And she's not here. Children are loud. Mine are louder. Children are messy. Mine vaporize stuff until all that's left are bits and pieces and dust. Thank God for school. Is one too young for Headstart?

[je4nj3an33]

I Didn't Ask Your Opinion

My husband and I have two daughters. One is ours together, while one is from my first marriage, although soon she will be adopted by my husband and we will all have the same last name. When I found out I was pregnant with L, my sister J was not very supportive. She was actually quite mean about it, even though she does love her niece. She was worried that we couldn't afford a second child. She was right to worry, although we've always managed, but at the time R was still in school and I wasn't able to work due to hyperemesis gardanum, so money was tight. R took every job he could get in order to keep us in diapers and okay financially, and we managed. When we moved back home, he worked and worked to get a job and finally did, and so did I. We took turns working and watching her so neither of us got much sleep, but we managed, and it didn't take us long to get our own place (we moved into my in-laws at the end of May, and moved out at the end of August, so we stayed there about three and a half months). We made it. Now, R has a decent paying job. He makes enough that I was able to quit my job and stay home full-time. We pay our bills and buy our groceries and we are okay. My seventeen year old brother-in-law moved in with us when his mother decided to move into her boyfriend's and left him with his sister, who we will simply say was unable to provide for him a stable home environment. My daddy also moved in with us, because he also needed family around him after the loss of my mother. I explain all of this because my husband and I have decided that we want our family to grow. We want a third child. When we decided to try again, I wanted to share the happy news with my sister. I was hoping she'd be happy for us this time, because we can afford another child. I was wrong. She is planning to start her family soon, and for some reason cannot support my family growing. I'm not sure why. She cannot use the excuse that we can't afford a child, because we can. We have space for another child, too, although I will admit we could use a slightly bigger house. I think it's great for people that can plan a family and save for it and be all responsible about it, but for the most part, children are unplanned. Both of my girls were accidents, but they are perfect. This time, just once, we are actually planning a baby, so why can't she be happy? Why can't she see that we have saved and worked for this? I'm not sure what I expected. I know it sounds like whining, but our families have never really been there for us. I know R's parents do not like to be bothered with us, so I really really appreciate that his dad and step-mom let us live there for the three and a half months that we did, even though it was very stressful for me, because they didn't make it easy. My parents tried, but they never had many resources. Daddy still comes through if I need him to, even if he has to hustle, but he's never been supportive of anything that we wanted or planned. Our siblings don't really even bother to visit us, except for J, and that's only once every few months, although she does call every couple of days. I would like, just once, for someone to support us. It's alright though, because we support each other, and that makes it okay.

[piecomic]

[je4nj3an33]

Mother's Day Blues

Although a lot of people say that Mother's Day is just a way of commercializing flowers and cards and chocolate (and don't get me wrong; I know it is), I think it is important. We don't often get to just sit back and show appreciation for our parents. One day a year, thanks to the commercialization of every day, we are reminded to appreciate and honor our mother. I think that's a good thing. It's also hard, because last year I lost my mother. It's hard to celebrate being a mom when I know that I can't show her how much I appreciated everything she did and gave up to raise me and my sister, and then my nephews. She was a hard-working woman, and far from perfect, but she was always there for me. I want to tell her I love her, but I can't. That hurts. Mother's Day is a reminder that I don't have a mother. My mom was born in Mississippi in 1959. She grew up during the Civil Rights' Movement, and as a history teacher, I should have shown more interest. I will never forgive myself for not asking her questions about what growing up was like. I do know that she grew up in North Mississippi, in a small town. Her parents were alcoholics and she would grow to be one, too. She had a brother and three sisters. Her brother sexually abused her growing up (which I only know because she drunkenly confessed it to her sisters while I was in earshot). However, she continued to allow him to be a part of her adult life, although he died in a car crash before I was born. My mother had her first daughter when she was fifteen, but the baby didn't survive. She became pregnant again when she was nineteen and gave birth to my sister, D. She married the father but soon divorced him (I don't know how long the marriage lasted). After a few years, she met my father. When she was thirty, she had my sister J. Ten months later, I was born. (My parents had a long-standing joke - the truth of which I do not know - that Mama got pregnant with me in the hospital after having J.) Mama worked as a seamstress most of her life, until her numerous surgeries on her intestines disabled her. She (somehow) paid the bills and raised us children on less than $700 each month. Mama wasn't perfect. She smoked endlessly. She drank, and when she was drunk was either fighting mad or could barely function. A lot of my childhood and teenage years was spent taking care of her as though I were the parent and she the child. But she was my mama. She saw things, and lived through things, that I could never even begin to understand. When one of my first boyfriends cheated on me, she called his mama to give her a cussing about the kind of boy she had raised. She was uncomfortable in front of strangers and crowds, but she always came to our church plays and our school's awards' nights. Mama wasn't perfect, but she was an amazing woman who taught me how to be strong and endure in the face of all adversity. I'll never forget her, and I'll pass down the teachings to my children (with the absence of the alcohol abuse). I love you, Mama.

[je4nj3an33]

Sibling Rivalry

My sister JH and I have never really gotten along. I don't know why. We grew up together. She is ten months older than me, so we were always close enough in age that people asked if we were twins. When people realized I was a grade below her, sometimes I think that they thought I was "a bit slow," as they say in the South. Being so close, we did everything together. Mama even dressed us alike, for a while. For some reason, though, as "close" as we were, we could never get along, and the older we got, the worse it got. Our sibling rivalry isn't the same as what you might read about. It wasn't just a few fights. It was all out, constant warfare. We couldn't even have the same friends. It was that bad. I have scars from her attacks, which I'm sure in part that I instigated, but I never hit back. Sometimes - all - I think that I should have. I was always bigger than her; I might have done some real damage. But I didn't. Now it's too late, because we're adults and fighting between adults involves police and charges and let's face it, I wouldn't survive in jail. It hasn't changed. We still can't be in the same house for long before we start fighting. We can't even talk on the phone for too long or we start fighting. But she always calls back. And I always answer. Because, like it or not, one thing that we cannot change is that we are sisters, and in the last few years before Mama died, the one thing that she wanted most was for her daughters all to get along. For Mama's sake, I'm doing my part to get along with JH, albeit mostly on the telephone. For her recent wedding, I served as maid of honor, throwing her a surprise bridal shower, helping to set up for the wedding, helping do the clean up, etc. I read the vows of both bride and groom to be sure they sounded right together (this was a first for me). I always answer the phone, and I try to do what I can to support her. For example, I am driving three hundred miles next week to watch her accept a scholarship award for her final year of graduate school. She's very excited, but it means a lot to her that someone be there - so, good sister that I am, I am going. (It definitely helps that I can make the trip in one day; plus, the city that the ceremony is in is where I lived for the past three years, so I am going to get to see some friends.) My other sister (on my mother's side; more on that later) - we'll just call her DR - apparently didn't get the memo that we are all supposed to be getting along. I go over to her house a few times a week. It's closer, and I get along with her better than JH, even though her husband is JUST like JH. But she has two of my nephews living with her, and it gets me out of the house for a few minutes. DR is much older than us. She was twelve with JH was born, thirteen when I was. Her oldest son is only three years younger than I am. Over the years, though, I was able to be the "good" sister because DR did a lot of dumb, illegal things, and I never judged. She's grown up to be quite the woman - clean, owning homes and lots of land, raising cattle. She hasn't forgotten the way JH judged her - and still does, for smoking cigarettes or the way she raises her two youngest sons. Amidst all of this drama, I just yearn for peace, but I don't see it forthcoming, so I shan't hold my breath.

[je4nj3an33]

This is a Serious One, Folks

Today I went to an evaluation at my daughter's school. AM has been having some issues all year academically, emotionally, and behaviorally. After taking her to see her pediatrician and AM breaking down in her office, she was referred to a psychologist, who referred her to a pediatric psychiatrist. She has been diagnosed with ADHD combined type, childhood insomnia, and an unspecified adjustment disorder. She has been on medication for about a month and a half, and it has definitely helped her behavior. She can focus and concentrate better, and she seems to be sleeping better, so she is in a pleasant mood most of the time. Even her grades have improved in the last month, but not enough. AM has failed the first grade. There, I've said it. It doesn't seem real. I know a lot of children that have been retained for another year, but I never thought it would be my child. Maybe I'm just that arrogant. I know it isn't AM's fault, and I am in no way angry with her. I am disappointed. Not in her, just in general. I mean, this means there will be an entire extra YEAR before she moves out to go off to college. [Sigh.] Intellectually, there isn't a thing wrong with AM. Her vocabulary, cognitive thinking, and critical thinking are all above average. So why isn't she passing? Her math, science, and social studies' scores are average or above, but her reading and spelling. [I'm shaking my head sadly.] She is doing poorly in both subjects. Poorly. She's flunking both ridiculously. Her last two spelling tests were both sevens. She reads at home. It takes her awhile, but she can usually sound out a word. She retains most of the information that she reads. She can answer questions correctly about what she reads. However, at school she has to read out loud, in front of the teacher (and behind her, the class), within one minute. If she doesn't finish reading the passage in one minute, she misses every word she didn't get to. I hate one-minute reading. Why does it matter how long it takes a child to read a passage so long as the child CAN read the passage? This isn't the only reason AM is failing, but this is part of it. A child is diagnosed as having a learning disability if the child's IQ and the child's functioning level is separated by a certain percentage. For example, if a child scores average on an IQ test, but is functioning below average (bringing in C's and D's on his/her report card), that would signal that the child may need to be tested for intervention. Likewise, if a child's IQ scores above average, and the student is performing at or below the average level, the child may have a learning disability. A learning disability has nothing to do with a child's intellect. I want to have her assessed to have a learning disability ruled out. I don't think she has one, honestly. I think she has been through such a traumatic year at such a young age, and so many changes, that she is having trouble adjusting. I think that her ADHD is making it difficult for her to focus, but now that she's on medication that seems to be working itself out. But she's not going to second grade. If there is a reason that she can't read as well as her peers, I want to know, because as her mother, it is my job to ensure that she has as much help as she needs to be successful academically. Am I wrong? There are those of my friends and family who think that I am trying to say that there is something wrong with AM. There isn't. Even if a learning disability is discovered, it is something that can be overcome. She is still the smartest and prettiest little girl ever. (I'm not biased. It's true.) I am just trying to be a good mother, but am I going about it the wrong way?

[je4nj3an33]

The Times, They Are A'Changing

Last May, we (my husband, myself, and our two daughters) moved back to our hometown. We had lived away for four years. Even though AM used to live in our hometown when I was still a single mother and living with my parents, she didn't remember it. All she remembered was our old apartment. It makes sense, though. She's seven, and we moved there when she was three. Moving back up here has brought back so many memories. I lost my mother last year, three days before I went into labor with our youngest daughter, and being up here reminds me of so many different things we did together. There's hardly a place in three counties that I didn't go to at one point or another with her. I grew up around here. These are my roads, my hills, my woods. I know almost every back road, and I know almost every person within fifty miles. There's just not much around here. This is the South, filled with small towns and churches. The best thing about moving back, I thought, was that I would be closer to two of my best friends. One has been my BFF since elementary school; the other I met on the first day of seventh grade. Both have (almost) always been there for me, and there's no one else on the planet that I can be absolutely, 100 % myself with, and have no judgment or comment, because they GET me. Or, at least, they used to. I would spend hours on the phone with these women while living four hours away from them, but now that I live mere minutes from either, I hardly ever talk to them. I've gotten into an argument with each of them at least twice since I've been back. We never fought before. I know that sometimes people grow apart. It's rare to find friends that have been friends since FOREVER these days, but in the South it happens more frequently than you'd think, since hardly anyone ever moves away, and, if they do, they move back (such as in my case). I don't want our friendships to end, but sometimes I wonder if there's any point in trying to bail out a sinking boat. If it's destined to end up at the bottom of the lake, who am I to stop it? The chances of me getting the boat to shore on my own are slim, and the other passengers aren't lifting a finger to help me bail it out. Okay, I am pretty crappy at metaphors (symbolism, too). I'm sure you know what I mean, though. Let's break it down: What do we have in common? 1.) We are all in our mid-twenty's, female, and very pale, which works in our favor because if we go to the park or the beach, at least one of us ALWAYS has sunscreen. 2.) We all have children, and they are all around the same age, except for L. 3.)We have all been divorced once. 4.) We have the same attitudes, sense of humor, and silliness. Well, what are our major differences? 1.) I'm a stay-at-home mother, but I have a college degree. One of my friends (C) works in an assisted living facility with a high school diploma, and the other (T) works in fast food without a GED or diploma. 2.) I live in a rental home, but it's my name on the lease. C lives at home with her parents. T has an apartment, but usually stays elsewhere. 3.) I'm married. Both C and T are divorced and single(ish). 4.) I'm the type of person that keeps my word. I'm usually on time (with children it's impossible to be punctual 100% of the time), and I don't like wasting time. C is NEVER on time, even if it is vitally important. She makes a joke that she'll be late for her own funeral, but I don't find it funny, as more than once she has bailed on important obligations with me due to her chronic tardiness. (She thinks if she'll be more than thirty minutes late for something, there's no point in going. She's usually at least an hour late for everything, if not more.) T has no car, so she's dependent on either myself or C for rides if we have plans, so punctuality doesn't really affect her. However, she's never available for anything. Truly. Not even a phone call. 5.) We differ on parenting styles. T has perfectly behaved children, because they are terrified of her. I have never seen her spank one of her kids, because her drill sergeant demeanor has them firmly in line. (Sometimes I tell AM, if she's getting particularly annoying, that I'm going to take her to T's house for a week. The threat usually works.) C is more let it go, let it go, let it go... until she loses it. I'm not going to describe the type of parent I am. My parenting is unlike either of theirs, however, and that is the only point I need to make here. (I'll describe my parenting in another post, I'm sure. I'm not trying to hide anything! It's just so vast that it needs its own post.) I don't want to lose my friends. Even though we aren't perfectly in sync, they have been my friends for so long... Maybe change can be good. Perhaps I need to make new friends to complement my old friends. I believe I will follow the wise words of the song: Make new friends But keep the old One is silver And the other gold.

[gamechangershow]

The 5 Stages of Deciding What to Watch

Netflix is a lifestyle choice. 

[je4nj3an33]

The everlasting dilemma...

[je4nj3an33]

Introduction

Everyone deserves an introduction, especially if they are new to a social media site and hope to be able to find someone who might be interested in what they have to say. So here’s mine. 

Hi, I’m Jean. I think I’m cool, although I seem to have some serious mood swings at times. I’ve struggled with depression a lot, and have had some traumatic experiences, so there are some strong chances that I may write about those. 

I have three kids. Two are my own precious little darlings, AM and LR. One just happens to live with us. He’s my husband’s brother. I shall probably talk of them, as well. 

I have four dogs and three cats that also live with us. Oh, and my dad. I will definitely speak of those at times. 

I also have a large family and some assorted friends. They may make an appearance as well. 

More about me, since it’s my introduction. I graduated college, but I’m not using my degree. Instead, I’m a stay at home mom. Sometimes that makes me feel a little bit useless, but then my husband keeps my kids and starts calling me begging me to come home, and as soon as I get there my kids are happy because, hey, mommy’s home! And then I don’t feel as useless. 

I spend my days doing mindless tasks that sometimes bore me to tears. I daydream a lot. I plan a lot. I write a lot. 

I aspire to be a writer, although right now I’m doing mostly copyediting and proof reading work. My degree is in education, but I love to write. I write short stories and poetry, mostly. Sometimes you’ll probably get a glimpse of that. 

My favorite color is yellow. My favorite number is three. I have a long list of allergies and I drive a minivan. 

Anything else that I deem interesting/relevant may actually get a blog post all on its own. 

(Oh, and I’m freaking hilarious, but it doesn’t convey as well in text as it does in person, because I write so much better than I speak, so the tone isn’t right for entertainment. If that makes sense.)