The Awakening of Jennifer Kay

The intent is to have a place to spew emotional shit now that I've decided to transition

[jenniferkayawakens]

Frequently "felt like I need to explain" things:

We will only be referring to our male self as "the boy", never by name, for the foreseeable future. This is for privacy reasons, not misandry. We will not accept misandry here (unless a specific male is being an absolute douche canoe).

Our avi is AI edited from our actual pre-transition face. Our gorgeous brown and grey curly hair is, however, fully untouched.

For any normies that want to ask if we're planning bottom surgery: 1.) you're asking about somone's gentials, and that's highly inappropriate and technically a form of sexual harassment; 2.) No, and I will not be expanding on that, refer to the previous statement.

[jenniferkayawakens]

Wellp, once again I've been paving my road to Hell on Tumblr, stomping the good intentions of blogging errday into the ground as pavers. So be it. I'm still going to need the occasional outlet.

So I'm on day 8 [pauses here to switch to her calendar app to make sure that's right, which it is] now. I'd swear I'm seeing boob development if I wasn't fully cognizant of the fact that I'm prone to wishful thinking.

There's this mirror in our dining room that I've had since before I met my wife 16 years ago. It's filthy. Especially in that mirror, but also even in our clean(er) mirrors, I keep catching a reflection of a woman and recognizing her as myself. I dunno how to describe the cognitive dissonance of both recognizing myself and not recognizing myself other than to call it a happy-feeling imposter-like syndrome.

Oxytocin's hitting WAAAAAY different. I'm feeling more maternal toward my cats, especially the less-than-a-year-old Creamsicle Idiot. He still needs/demands morning cuddles, and I'm only too happy to do my motherly duty and smother him with love. (Full disclosure: I did that before HRT, too. 🤣)

Have I mentioned I feel like my libido is increasing? No sordid details I care to share on that, but it's worth noting.

If talk of digestion triggers, stop reading this post and go have a great day!

I'm 49 and in a male body. I always have gas, and until yesterday, it was fucking AWFUL. There's a saying about farts: "Everyone prefers their own brand." I hated mine. Since yesterday, they've become barely noticable, though their frequency, size, and the fact that I'm a disgusting pig that just lets 'em rip gives them away.

That's all for the moment. I feel less remiss enough to get on with my day.

[jenniferkayawakens]

Sry, been busy. AM busy. Quick post. HRT appointment tomorrow. Excited and impatient.

Other news: cat got neutered yesterday. Had to lash a tight non-breakaway dog collar to a cone of shame cos everything else wouldn't stay on. He is miserable and breaking his mama's heart.

[jenniferkayawakens]

We've reached a landmark point, I guess. We went 99% dolphin yesterday (skipping the beard because we had a big weekend and were exhausted). We've almost always been... Rubenesque, we shall say, and thus had a nice pair of moobs. Once the damn-near sheep's wool was removed from them, I found myself staring at an excellent rack, to the point my neck is a little sore today, and we felt like we probably better keep them covered around unoccluded windows as we do housework today. And with that, we decided that we needed to wear girl clothes today. After cycling the dishwasher, I sat down on the couch to write this post. And as I sit here in what I can only describe as a semi-demure pose, I feel like a woman. I AM a woman, a sexy PAWG, a bad-ass bitch that's been rocking out to industrial music while she cleans her house.

I am Jenni-Kay.

I gotta get this white woolen beard off my damn face, though. 🤣

[jenniferkayawakens]

Had a 6-month check-up with my PCP yesterday. Asked if she had anything she would want a patient considering HRT to know. She did: the clinic I go to has a Doctor that provides it. I made an appointment with him in two weeks. NBD [she says as she quirms like a happy kitten].

The more I embrace my womanhood, the more I feel real (for lack of a better word), the more outgoing I seem to become, and the more I feel myself leaving my male self behind. I've had insults tear me down from my highest points straight down to new low points before, but I feel like I may be strong enough to fight back and stay on top now (innuendo definitely intended).

[jenniferkayawakens]

Just went thru my haul from Goodwill and Walmart from yesterday, and I guess I'mma have to do a haul show-off: I put together a couple outfits that I could conceivably already 75% pass as long as I don't get turned on and keep my posture juuust right to boob-ify my moobs.

Lemme see how I feel about it this weekend. The wife and I are planning a self-care day on Sunday, I think.

[jenniferkayawakens]

Yesterday I picked up some really cute clothes and a purse at Goodwill. Then my wife treated me to some clearance basics clothes shopping at Walmart. Haven't felt that girly in a long time. Realized how much more being femme feels like being myself.

In my "ruminations on the way to Dreamland", the thought that shut my brain down for the night was, "I've done everything I needed to be male for, I'm tired, I'm ready to move on from this farce."

And in writing that previous paragraph, I found something in myself that I hadn't really acknowledged before: I've always been a little (and sometimes A LOT) to be a guy, in what I can only describe as an "imposter syndrome-y" way.

[floralilyy]

Sophie Hunter - 2 shots of patron

[jenniferkayawakens]

Also, this woman right here: FUKKIN' HRT GOALS.

[jenniferkayawakens]

No astouding revelations or over-dramatized deep cuts of lore today. Just this:

I'mma be the sluttiest slut to ever slut my way around Sluttown, Slutberg, Slutville, and Slutshire.

Like, my body count will be expressed in exponential notation of partners/ms, and the amount of pipe that I both lay and take will be measured, again in exponential notation, in AU.

[jenniferkayawakens]

It's a time of day that a friend of mine calls ass:30 in the morning. I went to bed early, and consequently woke up early. Had a recurring nightmare last night, but this time it started turning positive, and I'm really starting hopeful for my future in ways I have never felt before.

I should mention here that ultimately what gave me the courage to finally say that I want to transition is that, for reasons that would sound extremely depressing, I came to realize that I AM FREE TO LIVE AS I WANT, unbeholden to anyone but one person; and that person wants only for my happiness, and indeed I feel I owe it to them to be as truly, honestly happy as I can be.

These nightmares, then, have had me discovering that I have been abandoned somewhere, sometimes even in my home town, with nobody to turn to and nothing but the clothes on my back (and once or twice, those clothes consisted of nothing but underwear) and my phone. Last night, however, it didn't devastate me into freezing up. In last night's dream, it was, "this again? fuuuuu..." I knew what to do. In the dream, I was fortunately in my home town, so I went for a jog along muscle memory routes to burn out the fear. Then I set about to building a new life. I sought out fellow nerds that could help get me hooked up with a phone number and Internet service. I sought out giveaway closets and soup kitchens. I scouted places I could shelter. I even knew of a place at the community college that gave away old info tech that I could get up and running (granted we'd be talking 286/386 computers, but I can work with that). And along the way of getting the things I need, I'd build new friendships, and a new life.

I had been abandoned with nothing, and that was no longer a problem for me. And as I write this, I remember something I've been told: that people who can do this are dangerous. I thought I understood what that meant, but it would seem I'm about to explore that in-depth.

[jenniferkayawakens]

I'm still here...

If anyone was watching. Had a depressive episode, and it's taking a bit to recover. I'm very low T for an AMAB, I quit my replacement T, and some emotional anniversaries rolled around.

I've been getting back into my housewifing groove this week. Today I'm cleaning out my side of the bedroom and sorting through my girl clothes. I don't have much, and they haven't see the light of day in years, but there's a few foundational pieces that should still be in style.

I don't think I can handle sharing emotionally right now. But what I'm feeling like I wanna share is my next few things I wanna do to get ready to really get the transition ball rolling.

A haircut, something like this:

Try a few makeup tutorials (I've got the basics and a 5-min emergency routine down [AND an "eyeliner and GO" extreme emergency/IDGAF routine 😁])

Go full dolphin, cos I am quite hirsute.

Maaaaybe try to (thrift) shop for some clothing that I think might suit me, though I'm reluctant cos I wanna have a better idea of what my body's gonna do

[jenniferkayawakens]

Still busy af irl, but took a moment to relax between housework tasks and play with Gemini. The prompt was (and no, I'm not posting the original pic):

Show me what this person might look like after completing one year of feminization hormone treatment. Change the hairstyle to fame the face and include bangs.

I don't expect I'mma turn out THAT good, but I'd be happy if I turn out half as good as that.

EDIT: We've been trying to unify with Jen as much in control as possible. This image feels like it's close to completing that process, so much so that we didn't even realize we'd written this post with singular pronouns until we read it after posting.

[jenniferkayawakens]

As a "sign of life", reminders to myself as I work on that draft:

only the heart makes right, not right, machismo, penis size, breast size, or even that nebulous concept of beauty

with great power come great responsibility, the most important of which is to deny the urge to brag, in any way, about your power

existence as one's true authentic self is a human right

it's a blog post. it's not meant to be a flawless damned magnum opus.

I need to stop there, or I'll never get my IRL day started. That draft is gonna take FOR-FUCKING-EVER to write...

[jenniferkayawakens]

Haven't been up to much, just living and being. As far as our journey, we've been trying to find her singing voice when we're alone in the car. We seriously need to finally sit down and do some voice training.

I feel remiss for not writing about the following sooner. Been doing a lot of self-educating, and I'm the kind of person that likes reading whitepapers and scientific journals. All the literature I've run across says something to the effect of, "there's no data that progesterone has any effect on breast size, only anecdotal evidence". And at the time it was written, that statement was correct. If you've known any transwomen who transitioned with prog, you know that dem titties is fabulous; and if you've done the Google Fu, there's been no hard studies done. On September 5th at the European Professional Association for Transgender Health annual congress, the results of a study were finally announced:

"Among our 90 participants we repeatedly used 3D-scanning techniques to measure breast volume and saw up to an increase of 30%. Crucially, we also saw that the study participants were more satisfied with the size, shape and the growth of their breasts compared to participants who did not use progesterone."

I shot Dr. Dreijerink an email, and as of September 30th, they're still working on publishing the results. But still: FUCK YEAH! TITTIES!

The article is linked above, and this is a link to the whitepaper about how the trial was conducted.

[jenniferkayawakens]

EMERGENCY US Gov shutdown threatens to dismantle HRT for adults. LET'S CONTACT OUR SENATORS NOW!!! (template provided in post)

# THIS IS NOT A DRILL! (but is is copied from a Reddit post and painfully reformatted from Reddit's trash-ass formatting notation)

Our basic rights are at the center of the shutdown battle coming to a head in Washington. In a recent Truth Social post, Trump refused to meet with democrats unless they support appropriations bills provisions which would, according to Erin in the Morning-

Ban federal funding to any hospital or medical facility that provides gender-affirming care at any age—even if the funding is for unrelated services. This would effectively force hospitals to choose between offering essential care and receiving federal support, a tactic that has already led many institutions to drop care for minors under pressure from the administration.

Strip Medicaid, Medicare and federal employee coverage for transgender Americans who need gender-affirming care.

Prohibit transgender surgeries in federally owned, leased, or used facilities.

Force transgender women into men’s prisons, endangering their safety and dignity.

Ban Pride flags and remove protections for LGBTQ+ foster youth.

Democrats have the power to stop all of this from happening if they hold the line in the Senate (we have a 7 vote margin on the filibuster). House Democrats could block unless the house GOP is completely unified (they have a two vote margin) on the entire budget package. We have a chance, this isn't over.

Please contact your senators and house reps ASAP to encourage them to hold the line! Ask your friends and family to do so as well. The shutdown starts this Tuesday and on Monday (Sept 29) Congress and Trump are meeting to discuss, so a deal could be made at any moment that throws us under the bus.

# FINDING YOUR SENATORS' CONTACT INFO

Click here for a lookup tool to find your Senators and House Representatives names and phone numbers.

To email them, Google their name to find their website and look for a "Contact Me" button.

 

# TEMPLATE MESSAGE

The bullet points below can be a guide for a phone call/voice mail. If sending email, crafting a unique message is best, but if a copy/paste of the message below is all you have time to do that is still helpful.

An intermediate step would be to copy/paste the template below into ChatGPT or other AI and ask it to rewrite using different words but making the same point. It doesn't actually produce the same result each time! (which is good).

==============

Subject: Please Stand Firm Against Anti-Trans Riders in Appropriations Bills

Dear [Senator/Representative Last Name],

I’m writing to urge you to vote no on any appropriations bills that include anti-transgender riders—and to stand firm in protecting the rights and dignity of LGBTQ+ Americans.

The current slate of riders being pushed in the Labor-HHS, Commerce-Justice-Science, and Financial Services bills would do devastating harm. These provisions would:

Ban the use of federal funding by hospitals for gender-affirming care at any age. This will set the stage for the Trump administration to cut off federal funding for unrelated purposes to coerce hospitals to stop providing care completely. They've already tried to do this with care for minors without a federal law.

Strip Medicaid, Medicare and federal employee coverage for transgender Americans who need gender-affirming care.

Prohibit transgender surgeries for all ages in federally owned, leased, or used facilities.

Force transgender women into men’s prisons, endangering their safety and dignity.

Ban Pride flags and remove protections for LGBTQ+ foster youth.

These are not budgetary measures—they are ideological attacks. They would erase protections, endanger lives, and weaponize federal funding to coerce institutions into abandoning care. For many, access to HRT and affirming care is not optional—it’s life-saving.

I understand the pressure to avoid a government shutdown. But civil rights should never be traded away for political expediency. The anti-trans provisions in the NDAA were a painful blow. Please don’t let that happen again.

And let’s be clear: if this tactic succeeds, it won’t stop here. The same strategy—threatening unrelated federal funding to punish facilities that offer essential care—could be used to target abortion access, contraceptive services, and other critical health protections. This is a slippery slope toward dismantling bodily autonomy under the guise of budgetary control.

I ask you to:

Refuse to support any bill that includes anti-trans riders.

Use your voice and vote to protect LGBTQ+ Americans.

Push for clean funding bills that uphold dignity and equality.

This is a defining moment. Please show us that our lives and rights matter.

Sincerely,

[Your Full Name]

[Your City, State]

[jenniferkayawakens]

Some days just need to be simple. Like today. I'm noing to grit my teeth over which of us is say what. I'm just gonna be who-/whatever I happen to be in the moment. And I'm not gonna plumb the depths of my heart and soul, not gonna write essays on what it means to be transfem. I'mma love on my kitties, take care of my wife, play a little of my gacha JRPG, take a nap, and maybe do a little research. If I catch a wild hare, I might even do some voice training.

[raqualswonderfunblog]