mirror to myself
“both at the first and now, was and is to hold as ‘twere the mirror up to nature”
hello vonnie
ojovivo
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
almost home

Product Placement
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
No title available

Kiana Khansmith
i don't do bad sauce passes

roma★
styofa doing anything

tannertan36

ellievsbear

Discoholic 🪩

Andulka
trying on a metaphor
Claire Keane

PR's Tumblrdome
dirt enthusiast
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from Canada
seen from United States

seen from United States

seen from France

seen from France

seen from United States

seen from Türkiye

seen from United States
seen from Latvia
seen from Türkiye

seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from Mexico
seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from Malaysia
seen from Canada
@jeonsit
mirror to myself
“both at the first and now, was and is to hold as ‘twere the mirror up to nature”
HAHAHAHAHAHAH fuckin crazy that JASON FUCKIN CAO just texted me asking if i’m okay bc he saw i was deactivated AND NOT EVEN MY OWN FRIENDS THAT INTERACT WITH ME OFTEN AND THAT I PERSONALLY HAVE TOLD THEM THAT I AM REALLY NOT OKAY AND SENT CRYING PHOTOS AND NONE OF THEM CHECK ON ME OR IDK LIKE SEND ME SOMETHING OF SUBSISTENCE OR HEARTFELT IDK LOL. i’m honestly not expecting it but im also confused bc i know if i my friend is going through something i would wanna send them something heartfelt and deep to let them know they are loved and supported. im just concluding to the fact that no one is acc taking me seriously or know what i mean when i say im genuinely not okay, bc i dont wanna believe that this is the level of care my friends show me when im mentally emotionally and physically at my lowest point. why is bts the only thing keeping me alive rn fr. they said kept swimming and it’s actually when i need it the most. lowkey kinda weird that jason texted me but honestly nonetheless he took the extra step to being like ?? oh wtf hope she’s okay and texted me. we haven’t texted in maybe like 4-5 years??? like zero interacts LOL so tbh it feels genuine. like bestie n marina n rory (LOL) has now checked up on me after my hard boiled crashout lol- but again it was kinda at my peak n after i exhausted all my gafs. i appreciate it now but i genuinely am so done. i’m so not okay and i have nothing in my body to put others before me anymore. and for me that threshold is so fucking hard for me to reach. and i’ve reached it sooooo :/. i’ve never deactivated or been off social media since i was suicidal. i’ve never not picked up a call or not called back. i hope people clock the fact that im genuinely not okay bc i don’t wanna hear shit about this when i’m done with school n im okay again. idk when that will be bc i think im genuinely not gnna be okay for a while. even after school. don’t even wanna go to edc anymore. i feel like punishing myself or smthing idek i feel undeserving
april 10th
feel like no one’s gnna believe me when i say i genuinely was not okay the past month and cried everyday and had crippling anxiety and internal n external dysfunction if i pass. i just wanna move on i don’t want to address this ever. im literally doing everything wrong. wrong calls everywhere.
things that i can not encapsulate in words but i can
shame
disappointment
guilt
frustrated
weak
sick
incapable
failed
disabled
numb
undeserving
confused
complacent and uncomplacent
apathetic
oh my god APATHY
apathy
Apathy
ruminating
anxious
tired
exhausted
drained
Apathy is a lack of emotional engagement – a state where we’re not interested enough to care about the outcomes or consider different possibilities. While apathy shares some surface similarities with depression, such as low motivation or energy, it can also exist independently and is often marked more by indifference than sadness. There isn’t enough emotional energy to spark action. The result is often emotional flatness or disengagement, resembling aspects of depression, where motivation is difficult to summon.
we’ve found that apathy strongly correlates with the Vision domain – our sense of purpose and long-term goals3. Without Vision, we lack direction. We stop investing in life, and this can lead to a hollow form of disengagement.
At times, this may even look like a type of resilience – not caring or being unaffected by life’s challenges. But it is more accurately described as nihilistic resilience – a way to describe a defensive withdrawal from life, often developed through past hurt, repeated disappointments, or a perceived string of failures. This kind of response may be driven by lower dopamine levels, which reduce our sense of motivation and emotional drive. When combined with depression, it often comes with elevated cortisol, contributing to inflammation and physiological stress.
"Apathy is a lack of emotional engagement – not enough interest or emotional energy to spark action."
Interestingly, recent research has shown that apathetic individuals are more likely to interpret uncertainty as stochastic – that is, the result of random chance – rather than volatile, where outcomes change due to shifting circumstances. This interpretation can make people feel like their actions do not matter, resulting in fewer attempts to explore or learn from the environment. Over time, this reduced exploration limits feedback from new outcomes, reinforcing the belief that change is not possible – and further entrenching apathy.
oh my godddd i feel so disgusted with myself. i was so nauseous i was going to throw up. my hand is literally in so much pain. now it’s not in the mouse position, im feeling static electric shocks in my wrist and hand every few minutes. holy fuck i can’t even hold my phone. of type, i’m typing with one hand . brain so fried . genuinely what is wrong with me. i’m always so close, LIKE SO FUCKING CLOSE, LIKE I’LL LITERALLY DONE AND THERE. BUT IM ALWAYS SOOOO FREAKING FAR. SO FAR. IT’S NEVER ENOUGH. LITERALLY IM NEVER ENOUGH. MY SHIT IS NEVER ENOUGH.
not even crashing out bc i can’t feel anything. the hard boiled egg crash out was the peak and then, i can’t feel anything or care about anything anymore. lowkey gotta unpack this week in therapy for at least a few years. people think im exaggerating or joking when i say i can literally see the long term psychological damage im gaining rn. right now has probably been the toughest and hardest and emotionally worst few weeks-months since 2023. lowkey this type of tough is way worse bc it’s literally just a battle with myself. feels like 2020-2021 me again, but ive done it before so now im just reaffirming that once again, theres something wrong with me and i am never enough!!!!!!!!! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha has hes gf haha hahahaha haha like i don’t even feel hurt by it now bc lowkey i think its just a mindset that’s set in place now lol. im like haha i knew this would happen. it’s even funnier bc when im working to being better, i have such a positive mindset. im not proving myself right, im literally proving myself wrong LOOOOOLim reaffirming with facts and experiences. and whenever i try to tell myself “nooo u worked hard, u did good, its not ur fault” i feel like im blaming external factors. which makes me feel even worse bc i should just accept that im not good enough LOOOL but then therapy gon tell me im good enough n i shouldn’t be having self loathing talk but what if its the truth !!!!!
i feel so disgusted and revolted with myself. literally why do i do this. i feel like a fucking failure all the time !!!!!!! and i literally am !!!!!!! and the one big time i actually need sos. love n support and to feel loved and support, all my fuckin friends just aren’t checking in and making me feel important. i bthink i expended my all. i barely had any to give to myself, and then i gave it all to my friends, and after my peak crash out, i think that was it for me. never have i broke down like that. i’ve never cried like that before. that was wild. it was like survival mode cry. like i have nothing left in me and my brain went back to baby first instinct, cry. i’ve always cried bc i was depressed but never did i cry bc i have nothing inside and broken feeling idk. idk what im saying zzanymieres . i think im at the point where i genuinely don’t care anymore and ima just hold a grudge n move on. like idc about reaching out or if others and reaching out like it doesn’t make me feel loved. it like those cartoons when people get heart browken and they turn grey and they don’t turn back. that’s me rn . i bake boring left im me. what the nick did i just type. i have nothing left in me g is what was trying to type.
my buddy is struggling. body ** i’m struggling. i feel unwell. met stress hives are so bad my arms are so otcyhy otchy . my ears are bleeding. my feet are so dejydrated and pale and cold????? my hand is in so much pain. i lost my ass lol . my body is so fucking cold always. my eyes are so dry they hurt. i feel lids a fucking potato. i’m so tired but i can’t sleep. my brain just goes at millions miles per seconds. anxious as fuck. done at fuck. i’m done. laughing makes me cry bc oh my hog tash n i were talking about if, i think id bc we don’t feel anything anymore that when we laugh is the biggest emotion we’ve felt in a long time so we end up crying. also jinx literallly texted me and i just didn’t reply bc hahaha i have nothing bro. swear he texted just to check in and start convo bc bro wdym am i talking ur edc ticket we’ve already confirmed it. hahah and then he bumped it today when i didn’t respond hahaha. funny. i still am not responding. hahahaha im not okay.
i love tasha and im glad she’s experiencing this with md. i feel less crazy knowing someone is witnessing me, and knowing that this time of my life actually happened. i guess it’s just the validation that my struggles are actually struggles and not just “awww you’ll be better soon is just hard now” like n OWETE LITERALLY ABOUT TO DIE BRO LIKE ABOUT TO STAB EACH OTHER FOR THE SAKE OF OURSELVES C fuck the past 2 months. fuck me. like genuinely fuck me i cant get up. i haven’t showered or brushed my teeth in ep long l m f a k my fucking hand hurts so bad it’s not even a joke anymore dealing getting jolts
orange lights
i love emma and tasha. i feel so unbelievably unloved and unsupported right now. it’s like hurting. i haven’t felt depressed a long time bc ive just been feeling numb and stressed and burnt out bc thesis. but i just balled my eyes out to tasha for the past 2 hours. i feel so unimportant. i’m always checking up on others and making sure they are okay and going out of my way to help others when they are in crisis even tho i literally have so fucking much to do and it’s not just task wise but mentally and emotionally. and literally the only people that have unprovokingly texted me to check in is sam, kylie, emma and tasha. it’s so fuckign sad that the only person that unpromptedly texted me asking how’s my school/thesis is going is fucking jinx. like i literally balled my eyes out to tash when i realized that.
part of me wonders if it’s fair for me to feel unsupported and unloved just bc people aren’t unpromptedly checking in on me even tho they know i’m not doing okay. like yes people have said supportive words to me but that only happens bc i went to check in on them first or i reached out to them to crash out. but ive never gotten a single follow up about if im okay or not. sam and kylie are literally the only ones (emma and tasha as well but they are in the program they get it. and we talk everyday to keep each other on track) and it’s like maybe it’s not fair for me to feel this way bc they are still encouraging and supportive but it doesn’t actually feel like they are…
i think with everything in my life this is one of those times i need so much attention and love and support bc i genuinely feel like im dying and i think ive expressed it so much just how much im not doing okay and i still haven’t gotten any selfless support. school has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with and it just hurts that i don’t feel supported for it.
part of me feels avoidant now and needing to literally not give a fuck about others and that’s when they check in on me. is that just how life works tbh… i hate that. actually i know that’s not how life works bc sam checks up on me so often and (honestly i haven’t checked up on her as often as i should but i do try and text her every couple of days “hi how are youuuu”) i also check up on her and we know whats the important things and when to check up and really keep each others mental in mind. but fr the times i actually feel supported and love by the people around me is when i stop giving a fuck about them… that’s so fucking sad. when i care a lot for someone it always starts depleting lol. like do people just have their own life and i dont have one LOL. like am i just too free to be thinking of people??? or do i just value people at a higher threshold than most people. it fucking sucks
tash said to me “it sucks when ur always the one taking care of others and the one time you just wanna be taken care of, they don’t” and i’m like holy fuck yea that’s exactly how i feel. i’m not using it as ammunition or keeping tabs bc i do it bc i genuinely care an want the best and hope my friends are okay bc i love them, but i am probably the most not okay ive ever been (besides my family stuff but i don’t tell most people about that). sometimes i think maybe no one has called me to check in bc they don’t wanna disrupt my grind and everyone has different ways of showing love, but. sighs i dont even know anymore. maybe its just hurting realizing im not most people’s priority but people around me are always my priority. unbalanced.
i am feeling very emotionally sensitive and emotionally imbalanced. i know people love and people care. everyone has their times where they don’t feel loved and when they do feel loved. i just need it so much more than ever right now and im seeing who my real friends are right now…
i’ve been having such passively suicidal thoughts again and it’s so not fun and i present fine and still talk to people super bubbly so i get it’s not easy to tell so i don’t blame them. i just feel so unloved. and it’s always when i feel so unloved that the passively suicidal thoughts come back because hahahahahahahaha maybe no one will be super super affected if i just died rn lolololololool i kno that’s not true but emotions are not rational whatever. i don’t thinks anyone’s taking me seriously when i say school has genuinely done some psychological damage to me. like hahaha maybe if i jumped off my building people will the realize damn maybe it was serious.
anyways i wanna cry an rot in bed so i can wake up and be okay again but guess what!!! i can’t even sit and cry bc i need to work so i guess ill be crying through my work for the rest of the night.
i love tasha. not even that’s she’s in the program with me but she genuinely takes care of me so much and she always texts me if i’m okay and how i’m doing and making sure im awake to do work. and i see that she genuinely cares not bc we in this program together but just because she does care and she puts others before herself. how did i find these friends. i do feel love by her. i’m so happy she’s here. i’m so glad and relieved. she’s actually been my biggest source of love and comfort and safety for the past while. i love her so much. i appreciate her like no other.
protein powder
dang it i’m crying
i feel like i have such a weird feeling towards my mom n parents now. moms been trying to call me more often now after i told her she never calls me and made it a thing. and i see she’s trying now and it makes me happy and loved to know she is trying. but i don’t feel loved. it also doesn’t make me loved idk. logically it does? bc she’s trying now. but everytime she calls, she doesn’t ever ask me about me. she just yaps about herself. (maybe this is why i just be yapping to everyone else, bc i grew up not yapping or talking to my parents? bc they never asked me things) (maybe this is also why i didn’t really ask other people questions growing up, and why i lowkey don’t know how to ask questions) like i do know how to ask questions but i have to remind myself and force myself. i often catch myself thinking in my head like oh i haven’t asked them anything, i need to ask them something so they know i care and are curious about them. lowkey i ask questions performatively…. ong that’s so bad. like if i didnt care and i went with my instinct and what i wanna say, i dont think i would ask questions unless im genuinely curious about something… but ITS NOT LIKE I DONT CARE ABOUT THEM or not curious ??? dang maybe,,,,, maybe i’m actually not curious enough. or like im not curious enough to ask questions further???? bruh idk. but its not like i dont wanna hear it, if people just yapped i would still find it interesting and i want to hear it. but i just dont know what to ask to dig further in it ??? like i just wasnt interested in the moment of something for me to ask the question, but if u tell me ill get interested in it as u talk about it. i think im also just used to yapping bc my family never asked me questions. and i dont talk to my family about stuff. whatever idk when close friends talk to me i genuinely dont know what to ask them, i just be like “how have u beennnn what are ur updates” new people are fun tho bc i dont know stuff about them so i have stuff to ask. bruh its just i need constant novelty and close friends, i know most about their life idk. bruh idk. ifkdidkidkidkidkidk
back to og topic, i don’t feel loved or happy when mom calls. i honestly find it kinda annoying to talk to her sometimes. like idk what it is. i want to be loved by my mom but everytime she tries and interacts with me, i get annoyed and i don’t feel more loved. like tf then how i will i ever feel loved by her. NEVER like brother what. is this just deep resentment??? idk if i don’t feel loved bc i have some underlying resentment and hate and unsolved problems or it’s because of the context of our talk. bc she doesn’t ask me stuff so it doesn’t feel like she’s calling bc she cares about me and she wants to know what im doing. or maybe she just doesn’t know how to talk and ask me questions. could be the case. ugh i know she’s trying. but i feel like even if asks me questions about me, i think ill still feel annoyed and not wanting to talk about it. idk if this is a “you never cared about me before so why are u doing it now” type of abandonment resentment wound, or if this is a “talking to you reminds me of all the pain and hurt in my life” type of avoidance, orrrr if this is a “i know u only doing this preformatively bc deep down inside i cant trust that u acc care and love me anymore” type of trust issue wound. but i know mom loves me she just doesn’t know how. i definitely am resentful. i wish things worked out differently and i think im grieving my life ? i wish they were better. i think everytime i talk to my mom for longer i end up getting mad or annoyed or unhappy so maybe it’s a trauma response of knowing i will be upset so talking to her sets off my bad mood instantly.
during the phone call she didn’t say anything annoying tbh. i was just not wanting to talk. idk maybe i just don’t have the energy to talk to my parents rn bc im burnt out and talking to them takes a lot of emotional energy and power to not crash out if something happens and something always happens. maybe a lot of it is also blame. i blame them for the way i am. i blame them for the reason why im so alone in a city far away with no friends or family. i blame them for not being able to work or sleep in my own house.
like dad is fucking normal now, he doesn’t react to me being angry and bitchy, he doesn’t react to me talking back, like he’s acc just normal now and it makes me even more mad bc like ???? did h just yell at me for fun my whole life then ???? did ur temper just go off bc u COULD yell at us ??? like wtf happened. it confuses me and i hate it. like stop treating me nice now bc where tf was this before ????? literally where was this before. i see ur trying now ??? but i can’t even believe or trust that ur actually trying. i can’t trust anything. my body and my mind can not truly comprehend and trust it. even if he is trying now, it makes me mad because where was this before. why are u trying now when im all grown up. the one thing i need from u now is money. and u fuckin don’t give me shit to survive my own path. BUT BACK THEN WHEN ALL I NEEDED FOR LOVE AND SUPPORT AND ATTENTION AND EFFOT, ALL U GAVE ME WAS MONEY. so im resentful that effort didnt happen bac then and im resentful that the one thing i need now from u is the thing u do not provide me now but did back then. so my whole life u never gave me ANYTHING i needed. LOL literally like wtheck. u gave me money at a young age to build shit habits and emotionally fuck me up and now that i’m an emotionally fucked up adult with spending issues, U CANT PROVIDE FOR MY SPENDING ISSUES THAT U CREATED ???? that’s fuckin crazy. bro did a double whammy on me. that’s fuckin insane. what i need now is car insurance and living expenses, and he doesn’t give it to me. fuckin forced me to train as a trooper for the war and then when the war comes, bro doesn’t give me any armour or weapons. i’m fucking feeding off scrapes in defensive mode. i’m like peeta hiding as the tree.
everything about my parents tick me off. i can’t trust anything. can’t do it nope. i don’t think therapy will fix it either LOL.
tags
crazy shit happened today, (i’m calling him taxi idc) taxi fucking texted me that’s fucking hilarious holy fuck. got nitehart tickets. dinner and bar with selena that was so fun. such vibes. when we started drinking it was actually so fun.
anyways i’m actually here to talk about james. my heart is feeling so filled right now. im on verge of crying. lol im crying now thats so fast. basically james tagged us for north coast giveaway but he only tagged me marina shawn and gelo. he has unlimited tags for entries. and idk why this hit me so fucking hard, but wow out of every single person he knows in his life and who he raves with, he picks us as the people he tags first. we are his main people. that is crazy to me. james is such a well loved and respected guy. he’s the guy that jumps around all the groups and has the most friends and is kind and maintains relationships with everyone. his personality is sooo well liked and he has so many friends and has raved for so long, he has soooo many rave friends. yet me, a random canadian girl, is his main person and friend. not the guys he grew up with or raved every rave together, it’s marina shawn and i. that makes me feel so chosen for once in my life besides from bestie n sam.
like it confuses me sometimes how he knows so many people and are so close to other people and has so many friends and is so well liked, AND HE CALLS US DURING TWICE IN THE PIT RIGHT IN FRONT OF MOTHER JIHYO… HES THINKING OF US EVEN WITH MOTHER STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. like we aren’t even that close but omg he loves us truly.. like im not even questioning it. for the first time im not questioning whether or not someone loves and cares about me or not?? and its such a crazy feeling to actually feel love and care genuinely reciprocated. i’m so used to loving and care more than others so this is shocking me in a weird way.
ur gnna tell me u tagged us and not even ur girlfriend. I KNWO HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THAT BADDIE LIKE AHHHH. i know tagging is such a silly small thing it couldve literally been first four instagram suggestions but still. i see it in this and i see it in everything else. james alwayysssssss includes me. ALWAYS screams my name in the chat when im not active in a plan they have, always committed to my plans, always tries to stay with me, makes effort to talk and interact, always try to reply directly to things i say, when no one replies to my stuff he’ll jump in and talk and joke. i always think about the time he called us at a party and introduced us to a lot of his friends. he tells us updates about maggie first.
we might not all be super close and know each others lives deeply and emotionally but we accept and love each other in the present moment. this friendship feels so freeing and destressing.
i also always think about the times at hijinx when i went to put my bags in our room first and shawn came to the door to say hi to me and i didn’t go and try and find james yet but he came to our room and he tapped my shoulder and i gasped so hard and his face was AHHHHH SOOOO CUTE he was actually puppy eye happy tears emoji and hugged me so tight and dropped us both on the bed while saying how much he missed me. and when he long boi laid on me after jinx cuddled me. how he wailed my name and was like AUHGGHHHHHH IM GNNA MISSS YOU ITS THE LASSTTT DAYYYYYYYYYY and hugged me for so long. or the specific giggle he has when he’s like ohhh u silly i love u. i think about these times so often bc like wow, u have so many friends and out of all the friends u have met in ur life, i have been the one u enjoy the most and love the most? i feel so so so so special. and i can tell he acc thinks about us and not just a drive by like i miss u guys!!!!
i have so much appreciation for jamesy. i love him so much, he’s made me feel so special since we met and so included. he’s my family now <3
pomegranate
i think i have progressed in my life but this house. this house keeps me stuck in the past. i can’t do anything when im in here. it’s like my body knows and is traumatized from the past. i can’t move or work or live when im here. i feel stagnant and unable to feel. i’m just numb and mind numbing when i am here. god im so scared for when i graduate. i need to move out asap. i feel like people dont get this when i explain. it’s like being in a prison my whole life and then i get to experience the world. and then they put my back in my cellar. i know i have a whole life and full thoughts and free will but when im in this jail cell of a house, im back in captivity. my body physically doesn’t know how to get up when i live here. my memories and days fly by. i don’t remember anything here. not even my meds work when im here.
withdrawal
damnnnn i’m sad ….. should start journaling again my head is getting too loud. i think im also just really fucking sad bc today is the only day i didn’t take my meds and holy fuck i’m so tired and didn’t get out of bed for like 4 hours and i still haven’t done shit and i need to leave at 6 am lol- i haven’t packed at all.
anyways he said he’s sick and can’t come to dinner on thursday. logically i get it!!! just unfortunate timing and he’s still staying present and reassuring and talking and not pulling away. he acc sent a super cute reassuring message too when he told me he’s not going to come. so yes i think he’s interested but he just got sick and is a responsible adult lol. but emotionally i am sad. i’m very sads. probably more sad right now because i didn’t take my meds today. i did really wanna see him. my brain can’t help but ruminate about all the things. like damn why did he tell me almost two days in advance he can’t come. like damn is it actually fate that he got sick THIS weekend when i’m coming. lol. how sick can he be to not come to dinner but can go to work. maybe he just got nervy and is like dang i don’t wanna see her and potentially make something real. maybe i came off too datey like and he’s like shit i don’t want anything serious i’ll just not go. he didn’t express wanting to go but can’t bc he’s sick and also didn’t really tell me how sick he is, he just said like clearing his throat n slight cough a bit but like lol,,, idk. funny how shawn also couldn’t go on his date w his girl bc she was sick a day before their date and then a week later she said hey it’s better if we were just friends….
i don’t think he’s a bad person or he’s tryna play games or he’s like letting me down slowly or softly.. i think my brain is just bullying me. i’m going to try and contain it here tho. sighs i’m sadddd and i know it’s okay for me to just have a crush and not let it consume me and nothing needs to come from it but ahhhhh im just a lover girl who wants stuff to happen. ugh and im overthinking. maybe i shouldn’t have expressed so much ??? maybe i made it seem like i wanted it too much. UGH I KNOW ITS NOT ME AND MY ISSUE BUT IM THINKING ABOUT IT. AND IM SAD RN. like he just so happened to start teaching night school this fucking week and got sick. that’s wonderful. do i stop texting him. bc literally whatever. but i want to talk to him. but do i really? he’s like not my type of energy,,, he’s kinda dry at times and doesn’t respond to my shit sometimes,,,, if i didn’t think he was cute i would’ve left the convo so ??? do i acc want this ??? i can’t determine if i like someone on text, i learned that last summer lol-. so like do i even care and like talking to him? i only like talking to him bc i think he’s hot and he’s probably into me and like is that okay??? i guess it’s okay? but also it’s not okay when it’s making me sad. so i need to detach ? am i only talking to him bc he likes me ??? so is this a self worth issue ??? is it okay that im talking to him bc i like the attention bc it gives me validation of myself ? ugh i think yea sure its okay i can just live in it and be present and its fine if i am talking to him bc it feeds my deeper validation issues. but i should stop if it negatively affects me right? bruh idk idc anymore this week is for me to not think about this shit
i want to be able to enjoy a crush without having to feel evrythingggg for it. idk how to do that. i know i just have to get busy bc fr i didn’t get that attached to justin bc i was soooo busy in the summer. when i think back to summer, i think about all the stuff i did, not bc of a man. but also justin was never not reassuring tho LOL. i was busy in august too but lowkey naman fucking overtook my life and it was badddddd. idk if i just like jinx a lot and that’s why im so anxious or bc im just putting more effort into it. with justin i didnt have to put effort into bc things flowed so easily. i knew nothing was gnna come out of my talks w justin so i was able to just have a crush without it consuming me. but then i also think about whether or not i was just able to be detached bc i didnt find him as attractive as i do jinx LOOOL. bro theres just something about tall men….. fuck,, it does something to me. like maybe i just want him more. uk that dimensional question “do you fall in love with attractive people” strongly agree. because oh my god i think he’s sooo fine. like yea even in the beginning i crushed on him HARD. oh my god it’s probably the fucking m. I TALKED TO HIM WHEN I WAS STILL ROLLING FUCKKKKK. DANG IT IT TOTALLY IS THE FUCKING M. THIS IS M LOVE. he probably also got interested bc he was rolling too LMFAO.
whatever anything can happen, maybe he’ll feel better day of and is like actuallyyyy i wanna see u and he only cancelled early to be responsible and not fuck up my plans. tasha said why if he’s coming in the ski trip but even my delulu self is like LMFAK no he is definitely not coming. like i’m 99.99999999% sure he is not coming at all. ugh i hate getting so invested in a crus. IM ONLY INVESTED BC IM NOT BUSY!!!! i need to lock the fuck in this week. like he’s not anxious or anything BC HE WORKS FROM BASICALLY 6-3 THATS 9 HOURS OF HIS DAY NOT THINKING ABOUT A CRUSH. and he still texts in between his work most days so like he def likes me….. and whatever if it stops it stops. i’m okay.
damn journaling really does help. cuz i realize im fucking stupid and i’m like teaching myself my own lesson. literally whatever he’s just a guy. a fucking insanely cute one but whatever. at least i know he’s not NOT into me. and we would probably rave bae or smthing at edc which will be super fun. so nothing happening rn is okay.like if he thinks im a cutie and have a good personality and he is interested,,, ima just wait until that m hits at edc ;) LMFAO. all will be okay.
it’s over
dang it i have a fucking massive dookie crush. so now in true me fashion i have to write down every single interaction we had at hijinx LMFAOOO UGH I FULLY HAVENT HAD THIS BIG OF A CRUSH IN A LONG TIME. USUALLY ITS JUST ME HAVINF A CRUSH BC I CAN TELL THEY LIKE ME BUT AHHHH THIS TIME I FULLY STARTED CRUSHING AFTER TALKING TO THEM AND LIKING THEIR PERSONALITY AND HE SUCHHHHH A CUTIE. i feel like a fuckin highschooler
i need code name…. jinx
okay friday:
we didn’t talk at all, i don’t think i even hugged him when i got there i just said hi and introduced myself, and he did the same. that night i kinda just asked him basic stuff like where he’s gnna sleep and figuring out the sleeping arrangements for everyone. i honestly didn’t even notice that hes a cutie, i really didn’t care for it or him tbh.
saturday:
okay so i think our first interaction was when i woke up and everyone was awake already. jinx went out and got james some bagels and i was like i want cream cheese!!! and jinx was like do you want this scone ? and i was like nahh that’s okayyy. anyways toronto crew went out to trader joes and jano and i went to walgreens to get him stuff for his leg.
when we came back, everyone was watching wolf of wall street. i made a comment about the jonah hill snorting victim an c thing and jinx was like “can’t you see we’re watching a movie here!” and i was like o0o LMFAO i was like :0 oKay IM SORRY and he cutely smiled and was like heheheh i’m kidding hehe and im like that’s so rude i made u a kandi and now ur not getting it and he’s like noooo im sorry i was joking heheh. we had many small interaction like when i was cutting marinas hair, he was tryna get thru but he’s like wow ur really into this im gnna wait until u finish to pass through or smthing idk.
when i was waiting for jessica to get back with food from chickfila, i sat down in the middle of the couch to watch wolf of wall street. i was eepy tho. jinx sat in front of me and idk he said smthing briefly and he asked me “are those your real eye colour?” and i was like oh,,, what do u think? and he’s like yea i think so LOL anyways i just ended up cuddling w jason and sleeping for a bit. i woke up to get ready anddddd literally my only interaction with him was when he was putting on his shoes to leave with the boys first and i was near the door doing my makeup and i asked him what his pjs are and if he’s rolling today. we just had very very minimal convo. he came back in to grab something and asked me for hand cream. he said something about him having dry hands bc he’s white LMFAOO i couldn’t find mines and he was like it’s okayyy and i think jano or mark ended up giving it to him.
at hijinx i fully did not interact with him atttt allll. i gave him his kandi bc it was the only one i could find LOL i literally gave him a small side hug. when i gave him his 67 kandi, he said thank u befoe looking at it and i was like look at it look at it!! and he looked and i did the 67 thing LOL…. he just laughed and i reached out for a hug. i think i asked him one other time during the rave if he was okay and gave him another side hug. at the end of hijinx i went around asking people if they had an extra ap ticket and jinx said i could take his ticket bc he doesn’t want to go anymore and i was like NOOOO U HAVE TO GOOO. and he’s like mmm ill go if u go and im like okay deal and then marina found me a ticket so fast HAHAHA so i went back to him and was like okay we’re going YAYYYY LOL. and he’s like ahhh okay looks like im going. anyways i walked forward with tor crew and looked behind to see if anyone was behind and i saw jinx alone so i went to walk with him. i asked him how his roll was and how the set was. we talked a bit. i linked arms with him as we were walking out. we lost the group so we walked home alone tgt. we chatted about him being friends w james and just small talk. we waited in the lobby for the others so we can open the door. he asked me about ohana and our kandis. he asked if marina and i are sisters bc we have this sisterly bond. i talked about amanda also being a teacher. he said how his kids would love the 67 kandi i made for him. maybe we were looking at something on insta (im pretty sure we were or maybe he went to look at something) idk why but he has his phone out on insta but he handed me his phone and i took it and did nothing with it and was like ??? and i’m like what. and he’s like oh ur insta ? and im like OHHHH okay! (teeheheheheheheheheheh) at this point i was like wait a minute… he’s kinda cute……….
we all went back upstairs and sat down. he sat next to me on the floor and asked me if i would ever try whippets? and we chatted about that a little. he told me to never do it bc it will evaporate my brain cells and then we had to leave for ap. i kept saying to the group how marina anthony jinx and i will go in one car LOL hoping he’d sit in the back w me but anthony ended up sitting in the back instead. makes sense jinx is tall. this is where i started to scheme a little i think LOL not purposefully tho. we were standing at the doorway and i think he asked for my age or everyone else’s age. i told him how all the toronto boys are 30+ and he’s like wth seriously?? and he talked about how he wishes he’ll look that young at 30 and i was like i think u look very baby and young! we talked about his age and whatnot. (i don’t even think i was trying to flirt i think i just started noticing him more). when we got dropped off at the ap there was a slight walk and i was trying to fix my boot or get my id or smthing i don’t remember but i stopped to fix it and everyone left in front (but the ap line was like right there anyways its fine) but jinx noticed i stopped (holy i didnt even remember this until just now) and he came back to wait for me. he asked me if im okay and walked with me to the line. he kinda rubbed my shoulders a little bc i was superrrrr cold. we got in line and i penguin cuddled w bestie n rory bc i was scared to stare at him now. i was like bestie. jinx is kinda cute. and she’s like oh yea he is, like he’s actually very cute. (i think the moment i said it out loud to bestie is when it hit reality for me bc it was just a thought before and literally did not feel real and i don’t know why i said it but i said it so naturally). anyways we went inside and i just raved with him a little. and we walked into the crowd a bit more so i held his hand tehe. eventually we ran into some girl and we were still holding hands but he stood and walked behind them so we eventually let go. i looked behind asking if he was okay and gave a thumbs up. we didn’t interact tooooo much but marina and i tried to teach him to frat boy flick. i asked him if he could put my digi cam in his fanny pack. i was looking and noticing him more now… nearing the end of the ap, him and james wanted to go into the mosh pit. so james handed his stuff to maggie and then he turned to me and asked me if i can hold his stuff so i put my arms out. he handed his fanny pack and pash to me :3 i wore his sparkly pash on my head bc it looks so cutie honestly. anyways he came back n he said thank you and took his fanny pack and i heard him say, “oh u can wear it” but i wasn’t sure so i gave him his pash back. the tor crew went back first.
after everyone was back idk if this is when it happened but jinx sat next to me and had his arm like spread out on the side i was sitting on, eventually i leaned back and laid my neck on his arm but he never wrapped his arm around me, he just had it sitting there. i felt like lowkey that was kinda purposeful tho. it was awkwardly straight out and he put it out when he laid down but i was already sitting there. anywayssss after i showered and whatnot i went outside and sat w james n shawn and jinx was already sleeping on the couch. i texted ohana saying “uh oh i think jinx is a big fat cutie” and they were all clowning me saying how they were gnna tell him and that im cooked now.
sunday:
i got up and sat on the couch with jason and jinx. i played wordle and he asked me for my phone to play a game with me and he pulled out a country naming game. freaking cutie. anyways i just laid next to him playing sudoku. he took a random photo of me on my phone when my phone was just in front of him. i think he accidentally picked up my phone. jason cuddled with me for a bit and he literally wasn’t getting up LOL jinx asked me for liquid iv and i said id give him later when im come back. shawn texted me saying he went on a niceeeeee walk with jinx and had a goood talk. i freaking hate him. he also said jinx is asking you for a liquid ivvvv when ur backkk. sooo annoying shawn is a shit stirrer. anyways i put a liquid iv on his head when he was just taking a little nap on the bed outside bc frankly im scared to interact w him now.
when we were getting ready, he came in asking for sparkles on his cheeks. marina was supposed to help him bc i was like IM SCARED U DO IT but marina couldn’t open the pot so she just left me to do it. anyways i just did it and was like okay bye ! LOL anyways nothing happened at the rave but i was standing in front of him for a little. he tapped my shoulders and asked me if i want his sunnies to try and gave me hehe. i asked him a few times if he felt okay on the tab. we danced a little bit and frat boy flicked but he never touched me or anything. i gave him like a slight head scratch. when it was the end of the rave i talked to him a bit. i was trying to put on my pash so i asked him to hold my phone and after i was done i gestured for my phone and hes like wha ? and i’m puppy eyes like :3 phone pls :((( and he cutely smiled and was like heh im playing and i just giggled. my pash was kinda weird and he like helped me untangle it,, i didn’t even know he was behind me.
we all went home and they arrived a bit later. i sat on the floor mattress and marina sat to my left and he sat to my right but a little more off to the side. i was still tweaking so marina and i were bouncing on that air mattress. he was giving me slight head scratches kek. and i kept turning around to him and talking to him a little bit. marina and i were bouncing him up and down and hes like this is fun like a bouncy castle heh.
i got up to charge my phone and my charger is next to the tv stand and right when i plugged it in, the tv stopped working, literally it just shut off and i was like huh and everyone goes “OH MY GOD YOU BROKE THE TV WHAT DID YOU DOOO” and everyone was clowning me and yelling at me and i was like AHHH IM SORRY IDK WHAT I DID IM SORRY I DIDNT DO ANYTHING I SWEARRRR and i think because i was tweaking i got a lil scared and i was literally pacing around and in a circle. during this i literally saw this thing fly past me in the corner of my eye but i thoguht i was just tweaking. and then jinx was like “hey ____ come here” and he was waving his hand in a gesturing motion. and i walk to him and hes like “come closer” and i got closer and he kept asking me to come closer until i was right by his face and he whispered in my ear “i sat on the remote.” and gasped so fucking hard and i was like “YOU DID THAT??? EVERYONE WAS YELLING AT ME WHAT THE HECK JINX” and he was laughing and he was like HAHA IM SORRY ILY IM SORRY HAHA and he’s like yea i threw it over there LOL and im like IS THAT WHAT FLEW ACROSS ???? i FUCKING SAW THAT and he kinda grabbed my hand and was like HHAHA IM SORRYYYYY
anyways, james was now sitting beside jinx so seating was like this:
jason me
marina james jinx
i sat inbetween james’ legs and it’s kinda funny bc i wanted to lay back and i did lay down half way and before i could actually lay down, i shot back up in a sitting position bc i realized if i lay all the way down, id be laying on his dick LMFAOO T•T and bestie came around the corner and was like i know why u sat back up i saw the thought process through ur head and im like LMFAOOO U KNOW ME TOO WELL WTHHHH. anyways i just saw laying back but propped up (bc jason and i were basically sitting on the floor laying back on the edge of the air mattress and kinda on them. i made a comment to jason about how his neck gnna break bc we have no neck support for anything. and then jinx kinda put his hand on my neck for support … uwu kekekeke. the whole time i was drawing circles on his knee and scratching his leg. at one point he was like that feels really nice and i was like oh okay :) i also kept asking him if he still feels the tab and he’s like noo i don’t even know what im feeling anymore LMFAO
anthony and i were talking about taking shots LMFAO and he got up to get a seltzer and i asked him to get me one too and jinx was like i’m gnna get an apple. literally kill me that’s so fucking cute anyways. he got up to get it and when he sat back down, he sat on the air mattress next to me, so he’s not laying back down anymore.
jason me jinx
marina james
he was eating it and he made a face and i’m like is it not good and he’s like it’s not what i expected and i’m like ??? and i asked him if he wanted my seltzer and he took it and he asked if i wanted to try his apple and he watched me eat it and i was like oh hmmmm and he’s like it’s kinda mid right and im like yea it’s not that juicy it’s like bite through-able. and i gave it back to him and he’s like u don’t want more? and im like … no T.T and he’s like yea i don’t like it either T.T LOOL it was kinda cute lowkey bc i feel like we were just looking into each others eyes and talking cutely about a fucking apple LOL. anyways he stayed sitting next to me but james left so we both laid back
at one point i think i was bouncing around and i kicked my drink and it spilled and i yelped LOL and i ran to get paper towels to clean it and jinx was just watching and said “you’re really good at that” LMFAO ??? and i just responded “thank you” i wanted to say more but i was like it’s gnna sound weird now LMFAO i wanted to say some shit like oh i’m used to cleaning or make some fucking woman in her cleaning place joke idk LOL anyways i came back and sat next to him and we did talk a bit but i got soooo nervy sitting next to him that i locked eyes with anthony and shawn who were sitting on the other side so:
tv air
mattress 2
air mattress 1
sofa
anthony said “ong i can’t believe it’s last night already” so i took this as my opportunity to run to them and hug them and go NOOO IM GNNA MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH and i laid face down in between anthony and shawn with my arms around both of them. i turned around and situated myself in between them. after a bit, anthony got up to get a seltzer again, and im not sure if this is when jinx came and sat in front of me or he came before anthony got up. i’m pretty sure he came when anthony got up… anthony left for a really long time lowkey. anyways so when anthony left i kinda laid sideways where he was sitting so my body was diagonal with my legs near shawn who was on my right. and jinx fucking just moves spots… and he just sat on the floor in front of me…. HE GOT UP TO MOVE FROM AIR MATTRESS 1 TO AM 2 FOR WHAT REASON???? WHATTT REASONNNN. THERE WAS NO REASON. so he sat and leaned back on his elbows so hes still propped up. I FUCKING REMEMBER LOOKING AT SHAWN AND SHAWNS JUST SMIRKING AND IM GIVING HIM THE BIGGGGESSTTTTTT SIDE EYE. i was STRESSSEDDD.
i see jinx look back at me a couple of times, mostly at how i was laying?? i guess? and after a bit…. he lays on me…… fully puts his head on my stomach/side… INSTANTLY SHAWN JUST SMILES AY ME AND I LOOK TO MY LEFT AND JAMES AND MARINA ARE BOTH SMIRKING AT ME AND I ACC WANTED TO KMSSSSS LMFAOOAO and james starts taking photos of us im gnna kill him LMFAO. i give him head scratches and shawn keeps talking to me and is taking about a fucking goose while giving me the look i acc wanted to strangle him. anthony came back and he laid on my calf and hes like “glori do not move your leg” and i was like “im not going anywhere” and shawn’s like hehehe. ………. but i just keep giving jinx physical touches to the beat of the music. after like 15 mins he stretches his right arm behind his head and started tapping my waist or just whatever part of my body he was reaching. LIKE AHHHHHHH THESE ARE CHOICESSSSSSS he literally lays on me for at least like 25 mins. i have TIME STAMPS. i made his hair soooo poofy by scratching it so much. he propped himself up again. and james came and gave me a fat hug hehe that was sooooo cutie.
during this time, we talked about wanting to kandi flip and he’s like “i wish i kandi flipped” i was like me too i will probably next time and he’s like yea ill do it for edc and im like me too and he puts out his pinky and was like “okay we kandi flip together at edc then” and i was like okay im down and i pinky promised him. and i made him do the thumb thing too and im pretty sure i kissed on it and he did too.
jinx stood up bc he wanted to shower now. the moment he stood up james yelled “JINX YOUR HAIR LOOKS CRAZYYYY” and he was sooo shy about HAHA. someone said he looks like bob ross and i cant unsee its so fucking funny. so his bags were like behind AM2 so he would have to step over the AM i was sitting on. he stepped on it and i bounced up once and i was like omg don’t do that again and he was being silly and was pretending to step on it and i was like jinx don’t u dare…. and then he ran across the AM and made me BOUNCE UP SO MUCH and i was like JINXXXX and i think rory was like “omg jinx is so fast” and jinx goes “IM FAST ASS FUCK BOI” and starts running on the same spot in this grinch position IT WAS SO SILLY LMFAOO everyone was laughing and then he ran across my AM AGAIN and he was just giggling at me when he did that ugh he’s so cute.
after he showered and came back, lowkey this middle part is a blur to me. so much happened. i moved to the couch and i was just everywhere. gelo and james came back with the bag lol- everyone was up and dancing. he sat in front of me on the floor when i was on the couch. i remember i kept kicking him with my feet LOL. i would sit on the AM1 sometimes too and he’s also there but we don’t cuddle or anything. at most we just give each other lil head scratches or i asked him to pass me candy. omg i think we were sitting next to each other and ate maggie’s mommy cookies or smthing and it was kinda bad and he’s like eat more and im like no thanks… and he’s like i dont want it and im like I DONT EITHER and he’s like okay i throw it. LOL we kept teasing each other whenever the ads came on and we would call each others name in a teasing way. heheh
i got scared at one point of jinx bc he was just circling around me a lot idk and i moved to the other bed and sat there bc lowkey i was slightly overwhelmed. and then jason followed me and hugged me and laid next to me. and then shawn literally came and laid on my body in between my legs LOL and then sat in front of me with my legs wrapped around him LOL- and the bed is tucked away from the tv and all of that. but jinx came and just danced in front of the bed and i can see him lingering in front of the bed a bunch…. shawn asked him to do his best lightskin face LOL and i asked him what type of white is he LOL. and he’s like im the same are garrix and half dominican. and we were trying to guess where garrix was from bc i forgot. anyways he sat on that solo chair with a journal and i was like awwww. he kept drinking water i noticed lol- eventually he put away the journal.
i moved to the couch after i didn’t want to lay next to jason anymore LOL. so i sat on the couch with marina and bestie. jinx also came not soon after and he sat horizontal in front of me:
jinx-->
me marina james someone else idk
we were all sitting vertical on the sofa. i had my leg under his leg. i think he moved to sit in front of marina at one point. maybe shawn’s as next to me ?? idk butttt basically jinx was on the floor and then he was kinda on his knees on the floor and the reached all the way up to lay on my stomach on the sofa…. and his arms were together and tapping my right side …. MARINA AND JAMES BOTH LOOKED OVER AND I ROLLED MY EYES SO HARD AHHHH. i eventually told him to put his leg sideways in front of marina and james so he’s not dangling to the floor and he just napped on me….. at one point his hands were near my face so i leaned my face onto his hands and he was just slightly caress my cheek. i was playing with his hair and shirt and shoulders the whole time. i kept laughing and everytime i laugh i would be rumbling his head basically LOL so i would hold his head and say sorry and i think he’s just smiling heh. i gave him head stratchies and then im like oh no sorry i dont wanna make you bob ross and he’s like no it’s okay u can and i did it a bit more just on the sides heh. i was rubbing his ear lobe at one point and hes like that kinda feels good and im like LOL no one’s played with ur ear before ? LOOOL anyways i continued.
i grabbed his neck at one point and i said “it’s like i’m grabbing a cat” and he’s like oh do you have cats? and then we talked about our cats a bit. the entire time he had his eyes closed and didn’t look at me at all. (i wonder if that’s him being super shy hehe) anyways we had some small talks here and there. i literally had my hand in his shirt at one point LOL. i was also caressing his face so much and playing with his facial hair. he was also tapping my arm to the beat of the music the entire time.
LOOOL at one point i was scratching his hair or like under his chin and shawn was talking or barking or something and i think jinx and shawn were talking? kinda? and i think i went “aweee who’s a good boy” LOL and jinx started wagging his leg LMFAOOOO i freaking died…. and i kept saying it and he kept thumping his leg on the couch LOOL
so shawn was showering and he’s like “can you let me know when shawn’s out the shower i need to pee” and after shawns out i told him and he goes to pee and comes back and lays on me again. after a while he needed to go again and before he went he looked at me and went “save me a spot?” and that caught me soooo off guard that i was like “oh… yea,,, sure …” BRO I WAS TWEEEASKKIKGNGGG HOLYYYYYY
he came back (and got a beanie for his hair HAHA) and this time he wanted to get under the blanket so he crawled from the end of the sofa into the blanket and went in between marina and i and we were like “it’s like a newborn child coming out LOL” and he just laid there with his hands on his abdomen. i just sat up bc i was sooo scared to make moves. i gave myself headscratches bc it felt sooo good. (also bc i wanted him to maybe do something) and he’s like what are u doing and im like LMFAO giving myself head scratchies and he started giving me head scratches. mind u he had his beanie over his eyes sooo he wanted to look at me i think. kekek.
anyways i eventually laid back but just next to him. i was laying next to him practicing like finger tutting and shit and he looks up and laughs and i’m like LOL WHY ARE U LAUGHING and he’s like i just look and see u doing this. anyways i lean my head on his shoulder now with my body turned towards him and i think his arm was on my knee a bit and he was just tapping me heh. after a whileeeee i have to say, he puts his arms around me heheheheehheheheheheheheheheheheheh and he puts his hand on my hip and he’s just patting me to the music. i kinda gently placed my hand near his hand and at one point we were just kinda touching each others hands and tapping. idk what happened but it didnt last long bc i think i went to shower now after marina came out.
i was sooo scared to cuddle him bc that’s sooo intimate.. i lowkey feel like it’s less intimate when im cuddling him uk. anyways i go shower and when i come back jason was in my spot :((( and jinx was sleeping i sat in between jason and jinx and jason made some room so i could lay down more in between them. i went to james bc i got scared that people would notice more so i had to diffuse. i did eventually sit back to jason and jinx but nothing happened. i eventually got up and had to pack and get ready
i remember walking to the living room and i saw jinx take off his shirt and i turned away soooo fast oh my god i was so shy. i didn’t look at him at all bc i was sooo shy. at the end when we were leaving i hugged everyone first and then him basically last. and i hugged him on his waist and i was like im gnna miss you :(((( u promised me to kandi flip at edcccc so happy that i met u this trippp it’s been sooo fun and all that so i was just hugging him for long but not out of the ordinary. anyways then i lefttt. end of storyyyy
pretty sure i started this beginning of january…. anyways he still texts me everyday like what the fuck…
HES BEEN TEXTING ME EVERYDAY SINCE JANUARY 1ST AND WE TALKED FOR TWO DAYS BEFORE THEN. LIEK RIGHT AFTER HIJINX. and we talked in the gc so like basically been having interactions with him since dec 26….
i have the fattest crush on this man…. i don’t think i’ve had a fatter crush in a while. arguably the biggest crush ive had in my life lowkeyyyy. like idk what about him and this that makes me acc feel crush like. i think it might be that i genuinely find him attractive and i also liked him AFTER we talked and got to meet his personality. highkey why is he the hottest guy that probably has an interest in me. literally the cutest guy ive talked to fr. but we’re just friends. like EEEEPPPP i think he’s so freaking cute fuck me. maybe it’s bc this is the first white man im talking to and im realizing that white men are just my type… that’s so tragic…. oh my god. ya looking back at all the guys ive liked and talked to i dont think i genuinely thought any of them were attractive besides the two most toxic fucking ones LFMAOOO (arck and naman i don’t even know if i had a code name for him i don’t even care to give him a code name, ill just say his name without the accent HAHAHA) like even then arck and naman were like conventionally not bad ?? but def not everyone’s type. jinx i highkey think he’s acc conventionally attractive. maybe bc he’s white passing LOL. idk i think he’s so cute. maybe naman made me into curly haired boys LOL though i really don’t think im specifically into guys with curly hair but i think it’s a cute feature?
dang it jinx has such a cute smile and looks so freaking cute in glasses. he might acc look better in glasses than without. i like the cute nerd vibe. broooo i wish naman could see who im kinda talking to rn HAHAHAHAH when he’s like i know im attractive,, ur not gnna be talking to someone as attractive as me (i dont think he said that but highkey i think he did give that vibe) i best know he ain’t finding someone else as attractive as me that man fully was like YOU ARE MY TYPE YOH ARE LITERALLY AT THE CORE ARE MY TYPE. and im like ya i would never go for a brown man it’s just bc u look middle eastern HAHAHAHAHAH oh my god that’s bad and racist maybe. but damn i remember when he was insecure about how all my guy friends were buff and gym rats and hot HAHAHA ahhh i love when my guy friends can scare and intimidate boys for me without even trying. i love having hot friends. anyways. idk how i got to this path but lowkey i wish naman could fucking see me with jinx. ITS NOT THAT IM NOT OVER NAMAN BUT ITS MORE LIKE I WANNA BE EVIL RN LOOOL. bc jinx is fucking 6’2, he isn’t gym rats buff but he def has a stature i think? def on the leaner side but most 6’+ guys are. he’s fucking cute as balls but he isn’t like hot hot, he has a cute “baby” face but still mature looking. he dresses pretty well. he’s SMART. he’s really soft n kind. HES A TEACHER ugh. very respectful. like he just looks kind too. and he isn’t rowdy when he raves, he just dances cutely to himself. dang i wanna see all my exes at edc this year and just be walking around with him. holy hes so cute i cant im gnna blow up why is he attractive and into me da fuq. and he’s american damn it. do i just have a thing for americans…… whatever.
coca cola yippee
i just finished final fall semester. holy fuck i dont remember anything of the last year. my dad gave me a high-five for finishing (???). life is so fucking weird. im crying everyday. i literally have a stutter now. i cant speak properly. i literally couldnt spell emmas last name. my brain has never been so fried. i feel 0 passion lolz. too many changes. too much ptsd. feels like im hiding the fact that im severely depressed lol.
yule log
i have never crashed out so hard in my life. i genuinely had anger issues today. im beyond last straw of just dropping out. i literally can’t do this program anymore. i hate this shit so bad i’m so frustrated. i’m literally frustrated as fuck. i feel it in my fucking bones. i just do not feel okay. i’m not okay right now holy fuck. my anxiety is through the roof and i don’t even know what im anxious about anymore. this fuck ass shit sucks. i’m pray death on everyone atm. i’m fully losing it. i hope i look back at this and laugh bc there’s worst times after this or i’ll look back and realize damn school was fucking horrible. i’m switching career paths this whole process has made me hate these projects but i think it’s just fuck ass profs and unclear projects and us having to do everything ourselves with requirements that need to be deteriorated. i’m gnna deteriorate.
resolve
i think dad and honestly sometimes mom are so incompetent. i have no idea what’s wrong with them esp dad but he has like no hobbies, nothing he likes, no passion, no achievements, no ambition. i literally only knows he likes to get pussy T.T like he likes to game? but he doesn’t even game anymore. he plays nothing. he likes cars ? but he fr doesn’t even indulge in it anymore. most my life i feel bad for him. but because of his lack of humanity, he also provided NOTHIN for my briel and i. bc he knows nothing ! like i wonder if he’s truly just living to die. like i seriously wonder what’s going on inside his head. like what his thoughts and wants are. like are u not bored? i’m so confused tbh. but it also made me not know anything. i’m so confused about my life. and lowkey i am like my dad too. i’m just depressed and do nothing but watch shows and eat. god damn it i become just like my parents. they fully tell me and made me not strive for more. dad just fully doesn’t know how to do shit outside of like driving and buying stuff and watching media.
maybe my meds are clearing my mind and making me think too much. i want to kill my brain
cheese bun
i fr hate it when my dad asks me about my school now. like i fucking know ur asking bc u just need to know whether or not im going to graduate or not. faster i graduate the faster i get a job and leave ya. he asks shit like “you can complete your homework right?” like wtf u gonna do if i say no. help me ? LOL like ur just here to judge. ur just asking just to ask. i dont know if its bc he just doesnt know how to care but wants to or he just doesnt care, he only cares if i graduate. holy fuck why am i so fucking sad about my relationships with my parents recently. i can’t believe my dad anymore if he actually just wants to care. i just can’t. i spent 23 years believing and then getting let down. not only do i get let down, i usually get into a really bad fight. so i just get emotionally abused after believing and trusting LOL
i know i should just living passively and let him keep trying because yea he should be trying. continue trying for the next 15 years and then maybe ill come around idk.
the lady that did my ecg today told me “ah ur young. enjoy it. have fun. enjoy it while it last”.
i’ve been crashing out so hard these days. idk what it is. everything pissin me off. i want to be in a depressive hole for like a week to reset myself idk.
i was trying to think of things i feel proud of myself for this year. honestly nothing came to my mind. idk if i have low self worth or i genuinely am not proud of myself in anything. there’s so many things im proud of my friends in this year but literally what is there to be proud of in my life??? i feel like i have no achievements and maybe it’s bc it’s so hard for me to stick to goals and achievements. idk i just feel so lost. hopefully being medicate really helps my life.
milo
i’m really sad :( i miss when i had a family living with me. this house is so unliveable. it’s dark. it’s messy. i have no food at home bc no one lives here but no one lives here probably bc it’s miserable. none of my stuff i used to have is here anymore bc mom took it all. there is no environment here. i miss just having mom bake and id join. i’d have a semi routine. even when i live alone, i have everything i need to jus have a daily routine. i literally live in a dark house with no windows and no one else in it and the house isn’t even mine. it barely feels like my place. dang when i said im running away from my problems, i physically am running away from this house like everyday. i leave bc i hate it here. i feel like im living in a communal home. like a fucking dorm
pre med
getting medicated on tuesday. excited hehe. recording life rn to see if it makes any difference lol
sleep
shit. the other day i was on one hour of sleep and didn’t sleep the whole day. i went to sleep at 12 am so i can wake up early and then i ended up sleeping for 18 hours instead… i woke up at like 5:50 pm. i fall asleep at 8 am and then wake up at like 6 pm or 8 pm lmfao.
work
shit. LOL i still haven’t submitted like the 3 overdue assignments. i literally just have to finish a small part bc i did most of it already and i CANT FUCKING FINISH IT. i actually don’t have it in me to finish it. i deadass don’t even do anything else that i want rather than work. i just procrastinate. i don’t even remember what i do. my brain is just constantly in a okay we need to do this, okay after this we’re going to do this, fuck i need to sleep ahhh, i’ll sleep after i do this.
omg a new one is my dopamine is so fucking low i’m not even horny. i have zero sex drive. i sit there and go at it and im like … mmm ok. fr i feel nothing. like i don’t even want to do it. that’s literally everything with my life right now. i’m not even wasting my time doing other things that i do like. i’m fully wasting my time doing things i don’t like to do. i’m playing tiny towers for god sake. i don’t even like this game anymore. i’m watching videos and shows that i forget about. i binged high potential for like 21 hrs straight LOL and finished it. i dont even remember half the episodes anymore and this was only a couple of days ago
my memory
SHIT. i genuinely feel like i have early onset dementia bc i can’t remember anything. genuinely i have 0 cognitive visual abilities anymore. i don’t remember what anyone says to me. i don’t remember information. i don’t remember where i just placed something. idk what the fuck happened recently but my memory has seriously been depleting.
oh i also feel much more depressed recently. i learned that ive always been depressed i just push it to the back of my mind. i wasnt healing, i was just surviving lol. i thought i was healing, but i was just avoiding. idk how to tell the difference anymore. idk maybe it’s just me being back in school and being locked in my room. makes me think of my childhood and past life a lot.
over eating and under eating a lot
anything i don’t wanna do i just literally don’t have it in me to do. even simplest of things like brushing my teeth. been bad recently, if im in bed already there ain’t no way im getting up to brush my teeth before i sleep.
no motivation to get up
tired all day
don’t find joy in things i usually like.
i don’t even listen to music anymore because i like listening to music, i listen to music to see my stats go up LOL. i check my stats like 15 times a day. i also only listen on transit bc that’s what i normally do and i want to block out the bus noises.
i FEEL my brain depleting fr. i feel myself falling back into that depressive hole back in 2020-2021 where i place my worth on what i can do and i couldn’t do anything so i start feeling shit about myself. then the self loathing cycle starts and i can’t break out of it. i feel like i don’t give a fuck about school anymore and i can’t break the cycle. oh damn maybe i’m in a moderate to severe depression episode. this is exactly how 2020-2021 felt like. but it might just be my adhd causing my task related depression. i think it is. i’m not even sad about something. HOLY FUCK YEA LOWKEY IT WASNT EVEN MY BREAKUP IN 2020 THAT MADE ME DEPRESSED, I GOT OVER HIM AFTER A WHILE BUT IT WAS ME FAILING SCHOOL AND NOT BEING ABLE TO DO MY WORK EVEN THO I KNEW I WAS CAPABLE MADE ME FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. HOLY BALLS I WASNT DEPRESSED I JUST HAD ADHD. wait this is insane. like i was depressed bc my break up made me depressed but my adhd kept me depressed LMFAOO
oh yes i did finally clean one corner of my room but it took me 2 years!! it’s been there since 2023 sept! i still have 2 more corners that needs to be cleaned. those has also been there for 2 years. i half cleaned my desk. that was like that for like 3 years or so lolololololololol.
anyways i’ll do adhd logs here and there for progress updates!