“Trigger words” are so real. It’s so real because i feel like my present slapped me back to that specific moment(s) in time. Once I’m there, i only feel:
heaviness - emotionally and physically. Emotionally because my temperature rises. Tears immediately filling up as if i were stuck, submerged in water. Physically because i feel my heart racing but I’m not moving. Instead, i feel stuck. Stuck underneath you.
Emptiness - i havent felt whole since you. As fucked as my life seemed to be already, you had to rip out whatever was left of me. Man i wish i can say I’ve been able to live a month without thinking about you. How much I’ve lost YEARS of MY life because you couldn’t understand the one word, two letters and one thing that kept me together.
Angry - my health really deteriorated because of this. I recently told my now bf, “you know, i didn’t really care about my health. I wasn’t thinking longterm because i just didn’t think i was going to make it in this world. What was the point in taking care of my health if i didnt want to be here anymore?” And that hurt him, because he couldn’t see his life without me, but i couldnt see my life. I was so angry all the time and doing anything in my power, in my being, in my life to push anyone and anything away. Idc what anyone says, I’m STILL very angry at myself. But you know what’s fucked up? I stopped being angry at you. Because at the end of the day, it’s not my bf who sleeps with me at the end of the night, it’s myself. You are not here. You are not living with myself. You do not have to crawl out of the emptiness you so left me in.
What’s worse ...is that i did trust you. You were my best friend. Our friends knew each other, my sister went to school with your brother. I end up working with your mother and i had to find the bit of courage to suck it up so she didn’t have to find out her son ....no. Let me stop.
I need to gather myself again. Because i still sit in the dark, pause my life and cry in heaviness, emptiness and anger. So I’m just going to go because i know this feeling will come back. Ask me “when will you get over it?” And i can tell you that none of us ever will..
So i guess that’s why they call it a trigger word. Because it does feel like a bullet of fucked up moments launching into your body, exploding like the seconds from that moment.
