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@jessicourage
Today I felt productive because I needed to get myself busy at anything and prevent spending time on social media.
I cleaned my room, turned on the humidifier so my room can be refreshing and comfy. Changed my sheets and curtains and after that I cried for a while. I have a lot of things running through my mind right now and I can't explain any of it. I am in that state again so.
My room is my safe sanctuary so I made it as comfortable as possible.
I am really having a hard time on my IELTS exam. I am feeling anxious that I might not get my desired band score 😵💫 anyone here who wants to be mu speaking partner? Haha
I got my desired band score!
As a person who is a part of heath sector, I am not really into "self diagnosing". But these past few days I think I am not really myself, I am having an episodes I think? There are times that I will suddenly feel lost and by that, I suddenly feel my heart pounding and it is deafening then I can feel my tears was just about to burst but then I am doing my best to hold it because I don't want to breakdown in front of other people. I think the reason of these is that, I am too overwhelmed with my current status right now also, work transition matters and work abroad pressure. I don't know but these episodes started when I lost someone that is really close to my heart. It took me weeks and months to stop crying every night. This breakdowns reduced day by day and I think I am much better now, it's just that I have a different issue this time.
This year is the worst and somewhat the best year of my life. I lost someone who is really dearly to me and very close to my heart. It literally shattered me, I can't concentrate at work, I cried, his days in the hospital are my worst days also. I don't want to go to work. Whenever I climb up the stairs I just suddenly stops and then I'll feel that my tears are about to burst. Then after those sufferings, blessings came right away. I passed my exam, got a job offer in US, also I was hired in a hospital in my hometown. After all, thank you Lord! Merry Christmas! Everything happens for a reason.
My emotional trauma is haunting me right now. I am partly blaming myself for what happened. If I am just working there or living next to him, his situation might get a bit better. I mean at least I know that i've done something rather than just crying here because I can't do anything and everything is too late. I miss you Kuya :( na pipicture ko ung naging lagay mo sa hosp and ung pinag daanan mo, feeling ko kung andon din ako baka di ko kayanin pero i'll still choose to be there with you and endure the pain kaysa di kita nakita just for one last time. :( it really breaks my heart :(
I am really having a hard time on my IELTS exam. I am feeling anxious that I might not get my desired band score 😵💫 anyone here who wants to be mu speaking partner? Haha
Why do i always feel like our goals are not the same? Or it's just that I am too controlling. I want the future, our future, to align to my plans. Idk it just hurts me, it seems that he doesn't want to get out of his comfort zone and conquer the world with me. I thought we're gonna live in the same city and one of us will follow, whoever's gonna leave first. Maybe these are all just "thoughts" and never gonna happen. I just expected too much. Dreamt too much for our future together. Maybe i need to focus on my own goals.
ako lang ba ang na s-stress sa axie hahaha shuta di ako marunong :( mali ata tong pinasok ko. nakakahiya sa manager :(
To be successful isn't really my primary goal, to help is.
Is it possible for us to cry while we are asleep? I just woke up with swollen eyes but i did't cry myself to sleep last night.
One thing i hate in losing a loved one is kapag di ka makatulog sa gabi, thoughts will start playing through your mind and sobrang sakit hanggang sa iiyak ko na lang at makatulog na umiiyak. Kala ko OA lang dati yung iba pero totoo pala sya tapos gigising ka na sobrang maga mata mo 😂 then you'll survive the day again tapos replay sa night 😞 i miss you Kuya 🤗 it's been a month. Parang kahapon lang para pa rin akong nabibingi sa twing ma aalala ko na sinabi sa akin ni mommy na "wala na, mag hihintay na lang tayo" and then after an hour or two tinawag ako ni Andee. Sa pag tawag nya sakin na yun para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig or more like my heart dropped sobrang kaba kasi iba yung pakiramdam ko. Haayyyy never imagined na mangyayari ito this soon. Parang weeks ago before u passed sabi ko parang di ko kakayanin pag kinuha ka na samin.
Kailan ba ko mag kakaron ng courage na mag resign at mag start ng bagong journey ulit? Di na kasi ako nag g-grow dito. Natatakot naman ako mag resign ng wala pang work na nag aabang sa akin.
Nakakatawa tirny ko search name ko sa google then *scroll* *scroll* shuta nakita ko may acc ako sa flickr!!! Tapos ang description may nakalagay pa "gusto ko magong tumblr famous kaya ako sumali sa flickr" like wtf ghorl anong logic mo? Hahahaha ayaw ko na maging famous (amfee?!) baka makita un ng haters ko di ko naman ma delete acc coz di ko na alam email at pass. That was around 2011 yata ka adikan ko dito sa tumblr noon hahaha kaka miss din pero shet wala sana makakita non.
Then may nakita pa ko na ask.fm ng ex ko, may ka away kase ko nung HS shuta may nag ask sa ex ko na maitim daw ba kili kili ko HAHAHAHA POTANGINA MO NO?! Hahahaha tas meron pa pinapapili ex ko bet me and this ghorl. Nakka tawa lang hahahahaha kadiri nac-cringe ako pag na alala ko ung high school ko. Di ko talaga gusto binabalikan ibang parts ng hs life nag enjoy ako pero ayaw ko na bumalik sa part na yon haha di ko bet
Sana hormonal blues lang to I crave for chicken wings, shawarma, jco, fruitas, sopas, anything cheesy, takoyaki omgggg nasa graveyard shift pa ko and kung safe lumabas mag 711 sana ko at this hour 😢 kaso baka may masamang loob sa dilim haha
DREAM
So i had a dream yesterday it feels so real di ko ma kwento sa boyfriend ko kase magagalit sya. My dream was about my ex my first love haha pero i don't feel it anymore. Mejo nag kakasama pa din kami these days pero that's just bec of our mom they're close friends. Anyway about my dream e nag break na daw kami netong current boyfriend ko tapos ung ex ko we've been chatting pero we're not flirting, pero ung feeling ko iba haha smells mag kaka balikan. Si mommy gusto din nya tong boyfriend ko ngayon pero in my dream parang di sya malungkot na we broke up kase nga nag kaka usap naman na kami ng ex ko. Gusto din nya kasi ung ex ko for me. Cringey lang akala ko totoo na nangyayari. Palagi ako nakaka dream na nag ch-cheat or other guys na pinapalit ko sa boyfriend ko now. I wonder why.
What happened to the tumblr logo 🥲