“Ah yes. The one who made a pie so suspicious that even the ghosts refused to eat it.”
“That was one time! He apologized!”
“He smiled while doing it. The way humans smile before adding mysterious ingredients to tea.”
“He’s just composed! You’re overthinking it.”
“What is he hiding?… secrets...?”
“Malleus. He made me homemade matcha roll cake for my birthday.”
“And yet you fell asleep immediately after eating it.”
“It was a nap!!”
“He once said ‘I only bake with love’ and then threatened Trappola with a rolling pin for touching his flour stash. Is that love… or culinary tyranny?”
Malleus closes his eyes, hands folded.
“He would be a devoted partner. Warm. Reliable. But if he ever turns on you… no one would suspect it until it was too late.”
“You would disappear and your name would be carved into the crust of a farewell tart.”
“MALLEUS.”
“I did not say he was unworthy. I said he was concerningly efficient.”
Malleus Draconia approves...! ermh...
“So… I might have a thing for Silver.”
Malleus: goes completely still
“Silver. My Silver.”
"Okay that phrasing was weird but—yeah.”
“The quiet, sleepy, sword-wielding child..?”
“Exactly! He’s calm, thoughtful, protects others, makes me feel safe—”
“He falls asleep in hallways.”
“Yeah, but cute!”
“He falls asleep mid-conversation.”
“He’s a knight, Malleus, let him nap.”
“He would never hurt you.”
“So you approve?”
“I also once watched him sleep through an earthquake. You must understand the risk you're accepting.”
“He's endearing!”
“You would have to carry him. Often.”
“That’s fine!”
“You would be dating a man who forgets to blink.”
“Again. Fine.”
“...He would cherish you deeply. But if you perish in battle because he took a nap at the wrong moment, do not haunt me.”
Malleus Draconia approves!
“Also… don’t be mad but I think Sebek is kind of—y’know.”
“No. You don’t mean that.”
“He’s passionate! Devoted! Loyal to a fault—”
"Sebek... my pure-hearted Sebek. He yells when the tea is too hot"
“Because he wants you to have the perfect temperature for you!”
“He corrects your posture. While smirking about the honor of my name.”
“He’s intense!”
“He once screamed for twenty straight minutes because Silver was three minutes late to sparring.”
“He’s just emotional!”
“He called a squirrel a ‘treacherous beast’ for stealing one of your snacks.”
“And?? I was gonna eat that snack!”
“He attempted to knight himself in my name with a broomstick.”
“...kind of hot.”
Malleus just stares at you.
“You truly find him attractive...”
“He’s strong! Passionate! And deep down, I think he’d be really soft in a relationship.”
Malleus folds his arms, lips pressed thin on a little smile.
“He would shout his love for you across a battlefield.”
“Romantic.”
“He would duel someone over your honor if they merely sneezed too close to you.”
“Chivalrous!”
“He would scream your name into the abyss every night until the abyss screamed back.”
“…We all want someone like that deep down.”
“If you truly believe your ears can endure such a bond, then… I give my blessing. But I refuse to attend your wedding unless earplugs are provided.”
Malleus Draconia approves!
LITTLE BONUS
THANKS TO @lulu--lala19 FOR THIS IMAGE CUZ SHE MADE IT HERSLEF
Hello! I just found you off of that request you did with Malleus dissing the reader's taste in men and it has me cackling! Since you wanted more, could I ask for the Leech twins, Jamil, Idia, and maybe Rollo with the same prompt? There's... a lot to complain about with them lol
Thank you for considering my request and sharing your writing with us in general! Be well, be merry, and eat something tasty today!
Malleus and Reader
Where he complains about the boys you like
SECOND PART!
APPROVED ONES EDITION
FIRST PART HERE
How would Malleus complain when you told him about the boy you like?
With Floyd, Jade, Jamil, Rollo and Idia
“So… Floyd. Kinda into him.”
Malleus, blinking once—very slowly: “...The eel.”
“Yeah! He’s unpredictable, exciting, super intense—”
“He once threatened to throw you in a locker for saying his socks didn’t match.”
“But he didn’t, right? That’s growth!”
“He tried to bite Rosehearts last week.”
“That was honestly valid.”
“He refers to people as ‘fishes.’ You want to date a man who’d refer to you as his ‘favorite squeaky plaything.’”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
“He carried you over his shoulder for fun and then forgot why he picked you up in the first place.”
“It was spontaneous!”
“It was concerning.”
“He would love you like a storm trapped in a bottle. Always one wrong shake away from chaos.”
"...Wow, Mal. That’s actually kinda poetic—”
“You would never know peace. You would get a ‘good morning’ text and then a ‘rawr I’m bored >:3’ five minutes later.”
"....huh"
"No. You're not dating Floyd. Not at all."
Malleus Draconia does not approve!
“Okay, what about Jade?”
“The other eel.”
“He’s polite! Cultured! Knows about mushrooms!”
“He tried to feed you a mushroom from the mountains. It was glowing.”
“...It was pretty.”
“It tried to move. It was probably some kinda of drug.”
“He’s mysterious! Sophisticated! I love a man with secrets!”
“He speaks in riddles. Smiles like he knows how you die. Enjoys danger recreationally.”
“He’s elegant!”
“He once said he finds pufferfish adorable because they inflate in fear.”
“You’re just threatened because he’s more graceful than you.”
"He tried to make tea out of Grim."
“That was a joke!”
"He was boiling water."
Malleus slowly, very slowly, walks toward you.
“If you date Jade Leech, I will prepare a coffin in advance. No guarantee of survival”
Malleus Draconia does not approve!
“I’m kind of into Idia.”
“I’m sorry—into what?”
“Idia Shroud. He’s cute! You know, in the nerd friki kind of way.”
“The one who clutches his tablet like a lifeline and refuses to make eye contact?”
“He’s shy!”
“He hissed at you.”
“He was nervous!”
“He hid behind a vending machine. For two hours.”
“But he’s clever! Passionate! He gets excited about things in this super intense way!”
“He spoke at length about his last game while your nose was bleeding from a cursed book and didn’t notice.”
“See?? He’s focused!”
“He would love you in all caps. Digitally. From a great distance. Through a monitor.”
“I mean yeah that’s kind of my thing.”
“You would receive three paragraphs of love poetry in code format and then not hear from him for a week.”
“That’s fine.”
“You would be second to his game launch schedule.”
“Honestly understandable.”
"I refuse. he'd put cameras in your room to watch you at night."
“Okay but Rollo is kind of… 👀”
Malleus turns his head so slowly it creaks. You have his full attention. And disappointment.
“Rollo Flamme. You have to be kidding me."
"OKAY BUT LISTEN-"
"The man who tried to purge all magic. Who referred to you—his guest—as ‘a necessary pawn in the cleansing.’ That one.”
“He was just going through it.”
“He unleashed cursed flowers. Nearly killed several of your friends. And, of course, he nearly killed me. And attempted to erase my very existence. Yours, too.”
“Okay but he’s hot.”
Malleus just closes his eyes. Visibly distressed.
“You… are in love with a magic-hating fanatical bishop with fire trauma and a weird haircut.”
“Yes.”
“A man who tried to outlaw joy.”
“Yes.”
“A man who speaks like a 19th-century villain in a gothic novella.”
“YES MALLEUS I LIKE THE DRAMA.”
“You would not be dating him. You would be his redemption arc. Do you have any idea how exhausting that is?”
"And I’d look stunning doing it.”
“He would gift you a bouquet and then scold you for smiling too brightly or wearing something too revealing.”
“Hot.”
“Yuu. He would confess his love like he’s confessing a sin.”
“Yes.”
You're obviously out of your mind. Don't seek his love. Seek a psychologist. And another one for him. And if you continue like this, another one for me.
Malleus Draconia DEFINITELY does not approve!
“So… Jamil. I think he’s kind of hot.”
“You mean the one who tried to hypnotize Kalim and hundreds of people?”
"But Malleus you're not one to talk about-"
"He's literally a psychopath. Every time he smiles, poison oozes from his gums."
"Okay but like. Incredible cheekbones.”
“He was literally plotting regicide.”
“He was under a lot of pressure.”
“He said ‘I deserve a palace’ and then tried to build it with hostages.”
“...Honestly? Based.”
“He is cunning. Ruthless. The most two-faced person I've ever seen. And you find this appealing.”
“Yes. Absolutely. One hundred percent.”
“He is full of resentment. Rage. Bottled hatred ready to explode.”
“That’s just spice”
Malleus gives you a side eye and pinches de bridge of his nose.
“He walks like he’s calculating how many exits are in the room.”
“And yet he cooks sooo well. Husband material.”
“You want to fall in love with a man who would flip the table at your anniversary dinner because someone mentioned Kalim too many times.”
“I want to love the man who flipped the table.”
“He would kiss you with resentment. And probably knives.”
“And I’d thank him.”
“Very well. You wish to love a man who is one insult away from becoming a genocidal I will not stop you.”
He looks up at the sky like he’s asking the stars what they think of this.
“But if you disappear one day and he becomes even more emotionally unbalanced than usual, I will know it was your fault.”
PLEASEEEE platonic Malleus x reader where he just judges your taste in men
Basically calling u out bc *gasp* you like THEM?!
If I could REALLY ask about who are THEM pls pls PLS make them Ace, Riddle, Leona, Vil and Kalim (I'm a slut okay)
Malleus and Reader
Where he complains about the boys you like
How would Malleus complain when you told him about the boy you like?
With Ace, Riddle, Leona, Vil and Kalim.
APPROVED ONES EDITION
SECOND PART HERE
I BUSTED MY ASS WRITING THIS. PLEASE, SOMEONE MAKE A REQUEST WITH OTHER CHARACTERS. I’M DOWN TO DO ALL OF NRC.
"I think Ace is kinda cute, actually.”
Malleus, blinking slowly: “…You think who is what?”
He turns his head toward you like he’s just spotted a crack in the very fabric of reality. There’s silence. You swear the air gets colder.
“Ace Trappola. The one who argued with Professor Trein over homework formatting. The one who once attempted to cheat on a pop quiz and still failed. The one who slapped Rosehearts's face. That Ace Trappola?”
You nod.
“You are aware that, last week, he mooned the enchanted armor in the hall and declared it ‘a win for man over machine,’ correct?”
“Okay but—”
“And this is the person you've found appealing.”
He stares ahead, hands folded behind his back, voice unnervingly calm
“He treats life as a game he does not know the rules to, nor does he care to learn them. He teases you daily, refers to you as ‘bro’ and once called you ‘mid.’ And this endeared him to you?”
“...Maybe?? He’s fun! And kinda smart—when he wants to be.”
Malleus places a hand over his heart.
“You must never let Lilia hear of this. He will not survive it.”
Malleus Draconia does not approve!
“I think Riddle’s really admirable. I like him, Like, he’s passionate and smart and—”
"Interesting."
Malleus, 0.02 seconds later: "Concerning, but interesting."
He tilts his head like an owl and stares directly into your soul.
“You speak of someone who nearly sentenced you to public decapitation for wearing the wrong socks.”
“That was a month ago! He’s mellowed out—”
“The same Riddle who recites bylaws at breakfast? Who lectures you for yawning during study hall, claiming it disrespects the sanctity of ‘scholarly hour’?”
“Okay, yes, but he’s also really driven. Like, I respect his work ethic—”
“He once corrected Silver’s grammar in the middle of a fire drill. The building was actively burning.”
You open your mouth. Close it again.
“You are attracted to a man whose idea of romance is likely organizing your schedule to the minute and berating you lovingly when you are sixty-two seconds late.”
He sighs, deeply, as if bearing the weight of your poor judgment alone.
“...You deserve flowers. Not spreadsheets.”
Malleus Draconia does not approve!
“I dunno, I think Kalim’s kind of sweet…”
“Sweet?” he echoes, tone vaguely offended. “You once nearly perished because he brought exploding fireworks into a dining hall.”
“But he apologized! And then he bought everyone cake!”
“He bought seventy cakes. Half of which were flan. You were comatose from sugar consumption for two days.”
"He meant well!! He just wanted people to be happy!”
Malleus pinches the bridge of his nose like you’ve just announced your intent to marry a hurricane.
“He does not understand the concept of ‘danger,’ nor ‘budget.’ Nor the line between ‘generosity’ and ‘bankruptcy." Even if he's rich.’”
He looks at you very seriously.
“If you confessed your feelings to him, he would likely throw a parade. During a thunderstorm. On carpeted floors. With live tigers.”
"That sounds kinda romantic though.”
“That sounds like a liability.”
He sighs, turning his face to the heavens as though begging some greater power for strength.
“It is not love, it is survival. You are enamored with chaos dressed in gold.”
Malleus Draconia does not approve!
"I think Leona’s really… alluring.”
“Ah.”
Malleus, slowly turning to face you.
“You enjoy being insulted, then.”
“What—no?! I mean, he’s confident! And smart! And he has that whole… brooding bad boy vibe—”
Malleus raises one elegant brow, his tone somehow both dry and royally disappointed.
“You are referring to the man who skipped an entire midterm because he was ‘emotionally allergic to mornings.’”
“He just needs someone to believe in him, y’know?”
“Believe in him? He kicked you off a sand dune because he ‘felt like it.’ He naps in alchemy. He once said, and I quote: ‘If it looks like effort, I’m not doing it.’”
“He’s just… misunderstood!”
“He is perfectly understood. He is chaos made of ego and nap schedules.”
“You would become his favorite pillow, his errand assistant, and—if you are lucky—his designated ‘person he smirks at when bored.’”
He puts a hand on your shoulder, face solemn.
“You do not need a man with a superiority complex. You need one who knows the day of the week.”
Malleus Draconia does not approve!
“Okay but… Vil is gorgeous. Like. Undeniably.”
“And tyrannical.”
“He’s disciplined! He has standards!”
“He once threatened to replace your entire wardrobe because your color palette was ‘offensively autumn.’ You were wearing beige.”
“He just wants me to shine!”
“He wants you to be a doll. A well-dressed, properly postured, kale-eating doll who never slouches and only drinks water with lemon slices.”
“And you think that’s bad?”
“I think if you gained three pounds he’d try to ban sodium from your life.”
Malleus looks at you like you’ve brought home a sentient blender and called it your soulmate.
“You would never have peace. Only toning creams and judgment. He once insulted Lilia’s eyeliner.”
“Okay but—he’s driven and elegant and talented and—”
“And ruthless, dramatic, and convinced that only he knows what beauty is. If you had a bad skin day, he’d schedule an intervention. With a PowerPoint.”
He exhales, softly. Almost kindly.
“You are lovely as you are. Do not let him convince you that loveliness must be earned.”
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