excuse me did you see ariana grande hanging around palmwood studios? oh no, that was jillian rizzoli, the twenty-nine year old who plays charlotte #2 on screeching queens. yeah, you know rumour has it they’re intense and forgetful, but their fans all say they’re quick-witted and accepting. the soundtrack to their life would probably be getting nowhere fast by girls at our best, and when i think of them, i think of long wild curly hair getting tangled in the wind, a mother cursing and honking her horn in the school pickup / drop off line, cotton candy flavored / scented vape clouds. ( female, she/her )
meet jillian jolene rizzoli. she answers to jill, jilly, jilly bean, j.j., jojo, jo, jolene pretty much anything you can make out of her name, she’ll answer to
she’s a hot mess
she cries over everything
loves everything disney
will fight a bitch (but please don’t fight her, she’s tiny)
often forgets things. her keys. her phone. her glasses
she loses things. her keys (they’re always in her purse). her phone (it’s always in her pocket). her glasses (they’re always on her face or head)
she’s 29, but still has the personality as a teenager. not that she’s immature, but she prefers to have fun than take things too seriously (unless she needs to. she knows the boundaries)
owns her own makeup line
is starring in the film adaption of ‘wicked’ as galinda
she’s kind of that annoying little sister no one ever wanted, even if she’s older than you
jill makes better friends with guys than she does with women
although she likes to occasionally get gussied up and look like an absolute princess, she’d really prefer to wear converse, a baseball tee, and some jeans
she grew up as a tomboy and always had more in common with her brothers than with her sisters (her twin being the exception)
can fix her own car (she drives a ‘57 thunderbird and won’t let anyone touch it)
constantly says she doesn’t like kids, but everyone knows she loves them. she’s never mean to them (unless they’re mean first, she won’t put up with it) and she’ll give them all the love and cuddles they want. babies are her weakness and her ovaries explode at least 3 times a week from seeing a cute fat baby
prefers to color over read, watch movies over read, pretty much anything over reading except for when it comes to learning a script
likes to joke around, but knows when to be serious and mature, so she’s not overtly annoying and immature
gets heated pretty quick and likes to fight, so hold her back
has the mouth of a sailor
her nudes have been leaked not once... not twice... but THREE times. and she still hasn’t learned her lesson
has three great danes named tiny, little guy and little bit. also has a lemur named oscar, who is a legally certified service animal, but she’s grown to love like a son
has a daughter named maranda “mars” odette rizzoli (9 years old). she loves that kid more than anything and will do anything for her. she has a nanny so if jill is working or can’t take mars with her, she’s being looked after by the nanny, who is like family to her
jill is a little bit of a ho. okay, a lot of a ho. she’s slept it just about every guy she knows at least once and has several friends with benefits
she was a competitive dancer growing up between projects and her best style was acro
she speaks italian, spanish and greek fluently
born and raised in brooklyn, new york
she’s primarily heterosexual, but does have a female friend with benefits, who is the only girl she has ever slept with and the only girl who gets the exception
she’s also a recording artist and has been since she was 16. she produces her own stuff that she puts out for the most part, but is very thankful for those that help her get her albums put together
she got her acting start on a show called ‘the dewbres’ when she was just a year old and she was in the little rascals, so she’s constantly recognized as darla
she’s been in several broadway shows. she played molly in annie, annie in annie, cosette is les miserables, audrey in little shop of horrors, janet in the rocky horror picture show, penny in hairspray, alyssa greene in the prom, and galinda in wicked
this is all i could think of off the top of my head, but more will be added as i think of them!
"oh my god, what if it's maleficent in dragon form? god, i have such good ideas," she said, her hands flailing a bit before busying at her sleeves again. "would it be weird though? like, how would i even approach that? "hey, i'm getting old and i want another baby, let's make one on the couch real quick." trust me, if i could rewind time, i'd go back to when mars couldn't climb. if she's not standing on the counter when i walk into the kitchen, she's standing on the alcove over the front door - i don't even know how she gets up there unless she's scaling the curtains," she said. "no one gets the credit for delivery, that shit hurt - but her upbringing wasn't just me. even mom and dad. i remember there being days someone would say something about mars waking up a few times overnight, but i didn't remember because someone got her back to sleep before i heard her. or all the times i was on set so i couldn't pick her up from school, or take her to cheerleading, or help her with her homework because i was still working. or the times she told me about her having a nightmare, but she didn't crawl in bed with me. she felt safe and comfortable enough to go to someone else when she was scared or needed help, even if i was available. that's something all kids should have. she's the luckiest kid. has parents that actually co-parent and get along and are actually friends, has great grandparents, has the best "real mom". have you ever noticed she's slipped up and called you mom but not realized she did it? that makes my heart happy," jill said. "yeah! lemur rights is important, he's a good little guy, he deserves all the recognition and respect."
❝ stop it right now. i refuse to hear any more ideas. it's my bearded dragon and i'm at least choosing the first epic halloween costume it has. ❞ she mock glares, flipping one pigtail behind her shoulder in a show of dramatics. ❝ you could approach it like that, or you could use a little more tact about it. it wouldn't really be weird. you can just go up to him, say something along the lines of 'we make cute babies. we should make another' , or something. that one was actually pretty good. i'd use that on my baby daddy if i had one, so. i'm going to need her to teach me her ways. sounds like she's well on her way to becoming a secret agent, or jungle queen. whichever one, she has my whole support. ❞ she offers playfully. ❝ i don't doubt that. nobody else can take that credit. having a big support system is a blessing. yes, all kids and parents should be able to count on a really good support system, but it doesn't always happen like that. mars is in good hands, and she's always going to have people around her who love her and spoil her even more rotten. as she deserves. we do look alike, though, so... she was bound to slip up and call me mom at some point. ❞ brows raise, but she's mostly making light with the last comment. ❝ lemurs deserve recognition, of course he does. but, let's be real... not too many people are concerned enough about the differences among animals. i'll make a sign that says 'he's a lemur', so you can pull it out whenever someone calls him a monkey. ❞
"i feel like now would be the right time to remind us both that this is a hypothetical bearded dragon that you don't even have yet and we're arguing about halloween costumes," she said. "i mean... he always asks if we wanna be safe or risky, i could always be a rebel one day and say fuck it, let's chance it. we really do make cute babies. well if you support it, i'm gonna send you the bill when she ends up breaking an arm if she falls off the alcove. i've been thinking of making it a little safer, though. she spends a lot of time up there, i can put a little fence around the ledge, put a ladder up there, turn it in to a little hang out for her. at least then i know she's using a ladder and not just toe gripping the wall," she said with a small laugh. "she knows the difference between us though, she knows who she's talking to. you should hear the way she talks about you and see how her eyes get brighter if she knows she gets to be around you. she doesn't do that with anyone else, it's beautiful. the way she looks at you is mesmerizing. you really have no idea how special and important you are to her. and me, i have no clue what'd i'd do if we didn't have you," jill's voice cracked. "i'm gonna make oscar the president of the lemur association, get some awareness out there. i'll let him chatter about how he's a primate, but not a monkey."
"I don't know if he gets praised for it. I mean, lots of people think he's a dick," Ali pointed out, scratching the lemur's head for a moment. Clearly, that wasn't really what Jill wanted to know right now, so she just let her vent for a little bit, waiting for when the other wanted her opinion. "Well, to be clear, you are a cunt, but I mean that in the best way possible. I aspire to your cuntiness level on the daily," she explained, poking fun at her. "But in that situation, not really. I mean, you have more experience singing than a lot of people, so obviously you're going to have more of an opinion than kissing someone's ass. Maybe you could have given her constructive criticism, like to work on her range or something, but if she didn't ask for help, then it's not on you."
"bet if i was hooking up with him i'd get a pass for telling people the truth," she grumbled. jill tried not to smile, but it happened anyways. she knew she could be mean at times, but those people deserved it. and if it was bad enough, she'd even apologize - or at the very least, consider apologizing. "it's a true passion and talent, you have to be born with it, it just can't be taught. i should win an award for it," she said. "exactly! she keep bringing up the fact that when we worked together, her character got all the hand outs and was the best, blah blah blah, but... she wasn't the best. she was the main character so she got all the opportunities, but she wasn't the best. she was mediocre. nice voice, recordable voice, but nothing special. she thought the world revolved around her because of the fake success her character had. imagine her surprise when i got a record deal before her," she said with a bitchy sounding giggle. "she asked for my opinion, i gave it, i even complimented her and said she has a good voice, but she heard 'voice lessons' and assumed i was saying she's bad. she's not bad, she'd just be better with more range. i still take voice lessons to learn new methods, there's no shame in a coach," she said.
"how is it simon cowell gets praised for being purposely mean to people on these competition shows, but when i tell an old co-worker to think about singing lessons to find her true range, i'm labeled a bitch?" jill asked bitterly as she pointed to the tv that was playing a talent show, sitting on the couch and popping a grape in her mouth as her lemur hopped in her lap. "like, she asked my opinion, i told her she has a nice voice, but it's nothing special, then she called me a bitch and said i'm not great either. bitch, i grew up on broadway. you can't have bad singers on broadway. i've topped the charts hundreds of times. sorry not sorry, but i'm allowed to be conceited about the one thing i'm actually fucking good at," she rambled. oscar chattered a few times, taking a grape out of her bowl, making her nod her head. "yeah, exactly, fuck her, i don't like her either," she said, looking at her friend. "what do you think? am i just a major cunt and full of myself because i know i'm good at what i do and gave someone advice when they asked for it, or should i have just let her keep thinking she's got good range? cause she can't even get out of her chest voice and she's fucking monotone."
"i'm already sick of the heat," jill said as she sat on the steps on her trailer. "the sun needs to mind its own damn business and stay out of mine. i don't even wanna go into the studio, i have to walk all the way across the lot and sweat my makeup off," she said with a grumble.
❝ the bearded dragon itself is pretty cute but that's fair. we'll have to deck the costume out, dress the little reptile to the nines. we'll table the mushu and mulan idea until the second year, though. definitely going to be a cute duo, that's just fact. ❞ she nods. ❝ yeah, well... you'll never really know what he'll say if you don't ask him. i mean, you already have a kid together. you have a good relationship, presumably, so might be the person to talk to if you're having thoughts. hey, if you can figure out how to rewind time? let's do it, i might be traumatized but it'd be an honor. ❞ she laughs softly at her twin's reaction. ❝ maybe, but you know what i mean. i wouldn't let anyone take any credit for any of it if i gave birth. if i'm doing the pushing out of my body, nobody else is getting credit. ❞ she offers, tone playful, and tips her head slightly to get a kink in her neck. ❝ be salty about it, fuck her. i wouldn't be willing to, or able to, deal with her half as decently as you've been. of course she did, did you expect anything less? lemur rights. ❞
"oh my god, what if it's maleficent in dragon form? god, i have such good ideas," she said, her hands flailing a bit before busying at her sleeves again. "would it be weird though? like, how would i even approach that? "hey, i'm getting old and i want another baby, let's make one on the couch real quick." trust me, if i could rewind time, i'd go back to when mars couldn't climb. if she's not standing on the counter when i walk into the kitchen, she's standing on the alcove over the front door - i don't even know how she gets up there unless she's scaling the curtains," she said. "no one gets the credit for delivery, that shit hurt - but her upbringing wasn't just me. even mom and dad. i remember there being days someone would say something about mars waking up a few times overnight, but i didn't remember because someone got her back to sleep before i heard her. or all the times i was on set so i couldn't pick her up from school, or take her to cheerleading, or help her with her homework because i was still working. or the times she told me about her having a nightmare, but she didn't crawl in bed with me. she felt safe and comfortable enough to go to someone else when she was scared or needed help, even if i was available. that's something all kids should have. she's the luckiest kid. has parents that actually co-parent and get along and are actually friends, has great grandparents, has the best "real mom". have you ever noticed she's slipped up and called you mom but not realized she did it? that makes my heart happy," jill said. "yeah! lemur rights is important, he's a good little guy, he deserves all the recognition and respect."
❝ if i'm dressing it up for halloween, i'll have to go bigger than making it a real dragon. ❞ she scrunches her nose. ❝ it doesn't have to be that situation at all. you'll get to have all that normalcy and family cuteness, i'm sure of it. but stressing about not having it right this second isn't going to bring it faster. if you want the whole relationship thing... that's where serious dating comes in. and, like, actually committing to another person. but, even if you don't do the whole relationship thing, i'm sure you'll manage to be able to co-parent smoothly with whoever ends up the father. yeah, fair point but i was mentioning their age. it still took each of them some time to find the person they were willing, or wanted, to have kids with. besides beyonce. mariah isn't even with nick anymore, so. that's practically a blessing, i don't know what you mean about bein' salty with her, or traumatized. ❞ she laughed as she watched her sister's reaction. ❝ not everyone is cut out for the life of being an amazing aunt, or uncle. it sucks for those kids, though. genuinely. different people move differently, and it's not how you'd always expect or wish them to. oh, no doubt. i wish the best for the people who are left to do it all alone. it's no joke to be a parent, coming from a non-parent here. alright, you're not wrong about that. i probably wouldn't give up a day of hanging out with sharks, though, so i'd never let her do that to herself. ❞ she sighed, shaking her head. ❝ i'm saying that it's possible. not all memory functions the same. especially if she's blocked things out, unconsciously, for any reason. i'm not saying there's no possibility that she's just being a total bitch, but i'm also saying... not everything is always as it seems. i may be able to remember certain events in childhood, but i can forget that someone was in a certain show. and i've been known to forget a name, or two, of the actors in the show. it's also very possible she knows, and she's bitter about it. anything's possible. she could watch the show and think, 'that face... looks familiar' and still not put it together. or, she could just be using that to get under your skin more. ❞
"bigger than a dragon? what could be cuter than a bearded dragon cosplaying as a dragon? it would be adorable. i can dress oscar up like mulan, the little lizard can be mushu, it's the perfect duo," she said. "i mean, i do have it with the baby daddy, but we've known each other our entire lives, so we'll always have that connection. i don't know anyone else that i'd trust to make a whole life with, and... it's not like i can ask him, he'd probably say no. okay, then let's rewind time so she can be sitting in your lap when papa decided to open the floodgates, then you can see the trauma. it sucked," she said, scrunching her nose. "you're not completely non-parent. you've practically raised her with us, you just didn't have to give birth to her and her big ass head. you get just as much credit for her upbringing," she said. jill fumbled with the sleeves of her sweater, running her nails over the ridges in the fabric. "guess you're right, but i'm still gonna be salty about it, she makes me mad. tried to say i stole a monkey from a zoo - oscar's not a fuckin' monkey, he's a lemur. not all primates are monkeys. primate equality, man. i'm gonna make a flag for that."
❝ yeah, it's not the same but now i might look into them. i could use a non-human child to care for. ❞ she gives a slight roll of her eyes. ❝ you're stressing over nothing. i understand it, partially, but you've got time and if you start now... no doubt you'll manage to at least have one more. probably more. but it's also not like tomorrow is going to be the end all be all for you to have a baby. certain factors are going to maybe make it harder at a certain age, but... beyonce, mariah carey, nicki... rihanna... they all have had kids at a not-so-early age. i like the idea of adoption, for me, but the appeal of the experience isn't totally void. ❞ she offers, nodding as she listened. ❝ what else are twins for? besides taking all of the credit and being mean. that may be why i'm more wary of the whole babies and being actually pregnant, ever, thing. either way, it's what siblings are supposed to do and i'd do it all again if i had to. however, stop right there. you'd never get to know what you'd do if i wasn't around 'cause i'm here, but you'll never have to worry about it either. and, besides, nobody is a perfect mom but you're a damn good one and it's real easy to look like i'm better at it because being auntie is easy. ❞ she motions to herself as if to emphasize. ❝ you would think. but that's not always the case. i've watched several shows where i've seen the face before, but i won't recognize them unless i absolutely love the show. and then, i'm recognizing them every time i see them. but i probably still wouldn't recognize someone from a child to a teen, they would just have a vaguely familiar face. ❞
"you could put teeny tiny wings on it and it could be a real dragon for halloween, it'll be cute," she said. "i don't want it to just be some kind of hump and dump situation though, i wanna know that even if it doesn't end up in a relationship that we'll at least be in each others lives pretty often so co-parenting goes smoother. and that we get along. i wanna do stuff as a family with my future kids dad... or dads, i want them to have some sort of normalcy. it takes a while to figure out if someone's gonna be in your life long term. it's scary. yeah - they were all also either in a serious relationship or married at the time of their kids' birth. i'm still a little salty with nicki, her water broke all over me, i'm still traumatized," she said with a small shudder. "a lot of mars' friends aunts and uncles don't have much to do with them. i think i'm the only parent in my parent circle that has siblings that are actually in my kid's life on a regular basis, let alone almost every day. that whole 'it takes a village' phrase is true, i just got really lucky with my village. and there's no denying that if mars had to choose between going to your house and doing literally nothing or me taking her to the aquarium, she'd choose you and make me talk to the sea turtles and sharks by myself. with no hesitation. it takes a pretty special auntie for her to give up a day hanging out with sharks," jill said. "you're telling me this woman can remember the time i accidentally switched our trashcans ten years ago, but doesn't recognize me as her supposed favorite character on her allegedly favorite show that she apparently watches every single day?"
❝ dragons, would be cool. however anything tiny that can fly, and has a knack for flying into my face? scary. i still wouldn't want a butterfly to land on me or fly into my face. ❞ she decides. ❝ so, basically, you feel like time is up? or close to up. like there's some kind of limit, or whatever. first off, there are so many ways to end up pregnant, even without a serious relationship. the major role in achieving it is what? dick? i mean, that's a dime a dozen truthfully. adoption is always an option, and definitely not one to rule out but i get that. i guess. i may not have gone through the exact process, but hello, i was beside you for majority of it, so yeah i realize at least a partial of the freak out of having a kid while still being a kid. look, you're going to get to go through all of that. nobody has the answers to when right now but i don't doubt it'll happen for you. and i hope that it's everything you dream of, but stressing that it won't happen... won't help your sanity, or make it happen any faster. ❞ she offers, reaching down to dust at an area of the knee of her jeans. ❝ you're not even old, but everyone's face changes at least a little. it's called growing up. plus, not everyone has the best recognition capacity, so who knows. ❞
"there's always the bearded dragons. they don't fly, but they're pretty cool," she said. "yeah, pretty much. i'm beyond happy with mars, if she ends up being my only baby, then i'm happy with that, i just... wanna do it a couple times on my own terms before my biological clock decides time's up. adoption's perfectly fine, i just want the whole experience the right way," she said with a small shrug. "i know you were. and i'll never be able to put in words how thankful and grateful and appreciative i am. she doesn't call you her 'real' mom for shits and giggles, she does it because you're practically mom number two. i dunno what i would do if you weren't around. half the time you're better at it than i am," she said. "well yeah, my structure a little, but i still look like myself enough that people should just.... get t. unless they've never seen my work."
❝ that's mostly what i was referring to, but i also just prefer not having any form of bug, insect, flying thing anywhere near my vicinity. especially in the dark. there are reasons i don't look up anything to learn more about insects and the rest of 'em. ❞ she grimaces, nose scrunching slightly at the ideal. ❝ or, were you already stressed about the bathroom situation and the stroller situation became an even bigger situation and just made it worse? too late for the baby stage for mars. what exactly brought on this insurge of baby fever? ❞ quirking a brow as she asks. ❝ i did. i really did. i've never been so grateful for my neighbors until now. ah, well, what would you do without her to entertain... i guess. yeah, sounds about right to me. especially if she's watched the dewbres. do you, though? i'm sure she's lying, but what she gets from it, we may never know. ❞
"not all flying creatures are scary. can't tell you which ones aren't, but surely there's something out there. butterflies - those aren't scary," she said, before shrugging. "i don't know... i guess just knowing i'm almost in my thirties, still not in a serious relationship, so the odds of having a baby are slim to none right now. i'm at an age where i can consciously think about it and actually have the means to do it on my own accord instead of it being an unexpected surprise, and i can't even do that because i don't have the one thing that's a major role in achieving it. there's always adoption, but i wanna make my own babies. actually enjoy it instead of freaking out that i'm gonna be a terrible mother like i did with mars. i didn't get to enjoy it with her. you know what it's like to find out you're having a baby when you're still a kid yourself? i was terrified. i wanna be excited and people be excited with me, not walking on eggshells. i wanna do it right this time, go through the whole process of like 'let's have a baby', and getting to experience being excited about finding out that we're having a baby, but who knows when or if that'll ever happen? that's what i worry about, that it'll never happen," she said, her voice getting quieter as she went from playing with her hair to twisting a ring around her thumb nervously. "excuse you, my face has not changed, just my old age. anyone with eyes can tell that eleven-year-old is me."
❝ i have no answer for that one. have you seen moths? they are pretty scary when you're not expecting them. might have just been curiosity or pure hatred for moths. you could check google, or something. ❞ the femme hadn't put much thought in the concept, just had an awareness that she was similar in that aspect. ❝ well, then, as long as you've got that covered i assume you're good. me, personally? no, i haven't but i also don't have a baby or anything like that to have had to go through that particular situation. it probably starts with the bathroom thing, actually, but yeah. sure. ❞ she nods as she listens to the other talk about it. ❝ your neighbor would piss me off. i'm so glad that i don't have to deal with her, and that my neighbors either leave me alone or are civil. 'cause i'd have already been kicked out of my house over someone like that. that's like surpassing nosey, it's bordering obsessed with you. and not the good kind of obsessed. ❞
"i mean, i don't like it when they decide my face is the perfect place to fly around, but i don't think they're scary. except those gigantic ones. fuck whoever let that thing breed, those are terrifying," she said. "the bathroom thing could have been taken care of quicker if the stroller wasn't ridiculously difficult to set up, though. i'm glad she's not stroller aged, but i still want her to still be a baby. i miss the newborn scrunch. the newborn smell. the belly laughs, the gummy smiles. the baby fever is high these days," jill said, busying her hands, playing with the end of her hair. "you got the neighbor jackpot. if i haven't been in that house for so long, i'd move just to get away from her, but she's my only source of entertainment when mars isn't at home. mm, obsessed could be the right word. she claims she has no idea who i am - no big deal, not everyone does - but then has also said she's watched 'the dewbres' a million times, there's no fucking way she doesn't know i'm not the one that played lacie. i still look the same."
❝ IT'S OKAY BABY , you can just deal with me . ❞ flirtatious as always because there was no ring on his finger and even if there was , why stick with one women for the rest of his life, when there was so many for him to choose from . he grabs two water bottles , from the mini fridge and hands one to her as he screws his open ❝ it's not illegal if you don't get caught, you don't even have to be involved. i'll find him and make sure that he leaves you ALONE. ❞ people would call pepa a womanizer and that he was the worst but he cared about jillian as more than someone to fuck , and he would help her out with this little dilemma. ❝ well, you can always stay with me for a little bit , i'd take EXTRA good care of you , princesa. ❞
"better you than them, that's for damn sure," she said, sitting down in a chair, her legs underneath her. she shakes the bottle a few times before opening it, mostly out of habit. a grin appears behind the bottle as she takes a drink, placing it on the ground next to her. "it's still illegal, you just get away with it if you don't get caught. that's like saying chicken pox isn't contagious if you don't get them," jill said with a small laugh, leaning back in her chair and giving him a small smile. "as tempting as that offer is, i have a tiny human i share custody of, and i don't know how well her dad would take it if she was staying at some other guy's house when it's my time with her. if that wasn't an issue, i'd jump. it'd get me away from the nosy neighbor, too," she said. "but... there's no saying you can't come to mine now and then. i'd make it worth your while," she grinned.
❝ seems kind of overly pressured if you ask me, but what would i know about that? they'll likely forget all about it by sixth grade. i have not, no. i always think of like a moth to a flame when i think of moths, and boy... we are one in the same in that aspect, me and moths. ❞ she shrugs her shoulders, chuckling at herself slightly. ❝ that cute, fat, squishy baby grow up and grows fairly quickly, and it only works if you can get along with the baby daddy for the rest of your life. strollers are your biggest con? huh. i don't know, i don't think strollers are too awful. ❞ she doesn't exactly offer a solution for the question. ❝ i'll do it to everyone as i see fit, because i like to be a little mean. even to the person i shared a womb with. hey, she's functioning when she comes home, it's just at a higher frequency than your used to. or something like that. oh, damn. nope. i would have re-gifted that immediately. or offered it up to the first person who wants it. nope. ❞ she shakes her head as if to emphasize her words, grimacing at the idea. ❝ yeah, i'm going to pretend i didn't hear that, cause she wouldn't be lucky if i'd heard it. i would go above and beyond, and she'd say some stupid thing and it wouldn't be okay anymore. so, you got this. ❞
"it is, why do fifth graders need to worry about projects worth half their grade? it's ridonkulous. i wanna know who came up with that phrase, and why they were setting moths on fire." if she was honest, she thought about how phrases were made and what experiments were done to make it a phrase. "i do in fact get along with him, i'm honestly surprised another mars hasn't happened in the last ten years. yeah man, have you ever had to set up a stroller while you have to pee, about to leak through nursing pads, and need to change a diaper? everything goes wrong, and it always starts with the stupid stroller. i stopped using the one mom and dad got me within a month, it was just easier to strap her in the baby harness." the amount of times she struggled with baby contraptions when mars was a baby could have been a world record. the pack-n-play was worse, and essentially became a crib for the living room. it irritated her so much, that playpen was still sitting in her living room, serving as a play area for her lemur. "the only reason she got away with it is because the police were already there because she called them to say a kid was breaking in to my car. it was mars. she was getting her backpack. said she had no business being in the car. thankfully now that school's out, she'll be here over the summer so we don't have to worry about the nosiest neighbor in existence."
he laughs, shaking his head. "it won't come out of my mouth." it wasn't his business to let anyone know what she carried in her trailer. god knows he had a hefty amount of weed and shrooms in his. "let's go get that crowbar and bust your car open. then maybe some gelato. breaking into things is giving me a sweet tooth."
"hypothetically, it was self defense. hypothetically, people should not run their mouth if they don't want me to run mine back and give them a tap with a baseball bat... hypothetically," she said, starting towards her trailer. she let out a soft gasp, placing a hand over her chest in a playful manner. "you had my italian heart at 'gelato'."
❝ half their grade does seem like a stretch, but how hard could a fifth grade project truly be? scratch that, i don't know if i want that answer. the whole "are you smarter than a fifth grader?" has always seemed ridiculous to me, but apparently it holds some merit. oh. oh. i mean, yeah, i guess that is an option. you just wouldn't be allowed to be mad at me when they turn out to be another mini me. it is inevitable considering i'm an amazing auntie. babies are cute, but not cute enough for me to go through a whole list and work out the pros and cons to having one right now. sounds like you've made up your mind, though. ❞ she shoots a glance to the hand that rests on her sister's belly. ❝ family discounts are a thing, but not when it comes to me. application likely to be denied, but go right ahead. would love to see this. in those instances, a good 'no, thank you.' is always good to hold on reserve. especially when it involves a worm. ❞ she offers. ❝ if you think i'd beef with your neighbor without getting mean with you at some point for some of it, you'd be wrong. plus, i'm not always clear headed enough and sometimes the line between legal and not can blur. i'd definitely get us both in trouble. ❞
"i don't remember fifth grade being so serious. obviously they need to pass, but why are they doing high school finals type shit? they're still babies, they have the attention spans of a moth on speed. have you ever watched a moth? they fly like they're broken," she said. "i mean, pros you get a cute, fat, squishy baby that looks at you like you're the only thing in the world that matters - cons... lack of sleep. and strollers, the god damn strollers. why are they so hard to open?" she wondered with furrowed brows. "that's something you do to the boys cause they're jackasses, not the person you shared a womb with. a cramped womb. or the person that lets you spoil her goblin rotten, even when said goblin comes home too hyper to function. i didn't know it had a worm in it until i went to open it. makes me nauseous just thinking about it," she said. "i mean, i don't go above and beyond, i just do what i want and it annoys her and that makes me happy. she's lucky she still has a face after she called mars feral."
❝ you say that now, but we'll see. oh, god. not summer school, that'd be awful. then let's not think about it. we can't stop time but we can ignore it, and focus on the now. definitely too late for her to be a baby again, though, we let time slip way too fast. ❞ a hint of sarcasm at the start of her comment. ❝ inflation affects everyone, without notice. the tax rate might get higher, keep talkin'. why would you get the mezcal if you don't want to drink it? if i don't want to drink something with a worm in it, i usually just don't buy that. ❞ her brow arches as she watches her twin's face scrunch up and shakes her head. ❝ petty is fine, but i get meaner when i get upset and letting your neighbor be on the receiving end... well, i'll let you be the one to worsen your own neighborly relationships. ❞ she shrugs.
"i think it's ridiculous that fifth graders are having to do things that are worth half their grade. that was a high school thing, not an elementary thing. i mean... i could always have another baby, but i dunno how the daddy would feel about that. the baby fever has been strong lately, i got to hold someone's tiny human the other day, he batted his little eyelashes and smiled at me for fifteen minutes, and my ovaries are bursting. logically, i'm too busy for another baby, but i wasn't given logic, tv works around baby bumps all the time, and i might be crazy enough to do it. and mars needs a little sidekick," she said as a hand subconsciously rested on her belly. "family discounts are a thing, yanno. i'll apply for twin tax exemption. i didn't buy it, someone gave it to me and i didn't know what to do with it," she said with a small shrug. "it's funny when you get mean as long as it's not at me. it doesn't make me cry when it happens to other people, but fine - i'll have all the fun by myself, torturing my neighbor in legal ways that i can't get in trouble for as far as the law is concerned."
