Being In A Band - 30
A few days before I was about to turn 20, I sat down and wrote some poetry on a bus in Liverpool. One of the lines was this:
I remember all the things
Of what I wanted to be
Now all I wanna be is happy
I originally put it in a song called Twenty but I hated the tune and it was never released. Probably never will be. It was only earlier this year when I released my album, I took that line and put it in one of the songs off it. The line fit the album because the whole thing was about nostalgia, being young, wishing you had those moments again - about being a kid I suppose. And wanting happiness too. I mean everyone wants to feel joy. Recently though I’ve been thinking about what those lines mean.
I started focusing fully on music when I was almost nineteen. Since then I’ve been in bands, played cool gigs, there’s been a label, manager, PR people, support slots, radio plays, I’ve been in promising positions where it seemed I was almost at that next step only to be rejected and knocked back to the start. Even if you don’t know the music world, it’s not too far from what you see in books and films. It’s cliché almost. Eleven years later, I’m still here doing the music thing, still trying to carve my way into the industry.
“How long are you going to keep doing this for?”
That’s a question I’m hearing a lot. A lot more in my own head now rather than from other people. As if I’m walking the plank. I was at this house party earlier this year and I got into a conversation with this guy. I told him about what I did and he said that if I was serious about doing music then I should be on Tik Tok. I responded with something like, “Isn’t it just full of young girls doing weird dances and shit?” and he replied “Yeah, there’s that weird side of Tik Tok but it’s the best tool to get your music out there, it’s the platform where musicians break through the most now etc.” And he’s probably right. PR companies now have specialised Tik Tok campaigns targeted at these younger age groups and influencers. The days of playing at the local club and being picked up there are - in my eyes anyway - gone. And they probably have been gone for a while. Music doesn’t sell it anymore. Not only do you have to play, you also have to be a social media marketer, a photo editor, a movie maker, an entrepreneur, a brand, an entertainer and if the camera likes you, that’s not a bad thing either. I’ve probably said all this before in prettier prose but it’s even more like that now. PR companies I’ve approached before have all asked for an angle, which basically means what depressing or kooky shit in your life can we lay out there to sell some records. It might sound ridiculous but I’m sure actual song-writing ability isn’t as important anymore. I then asked the guy what work he was involved in and he said he worked for Tik Tok.
I’ll give it to him though, he made a good case for it. That night against my own reluctance he convinced me to download it. I made a profile and when I got back home, I scrolled down the feed. And oh my. The fucking state of the place. Dances, Siri, Cortana - or whatever robot-assistant it was - overdubbing some weird shit, pranks, questionably aged, half-naked girls with all but everything out, beauty filters, live feeds of people literally doing nothing; it was like a bad fucking drug trip.
I remember laying in my bed in the early hours looking at the ceiling, putting everything I was doing into perspective. For the first time I remember seriously thinking. “What am I doing?”
And who am I kidding? I have wanted to give up doing music a lot. On multiple occasions before that. Retrain. Do something where hard work can actually make a dent in something. I’ve cursed at this choice I’ve made sometimes. However, I’ve never acted upon those doubts. There has always been something in the pipeline. There might be a song I was working on, a cool gig coming up, a meeting with someone, interest from somebody, a radio/playlist spot, I mean even if it was just a potentially exciting email I got, there was always something. Most important of all, I just loved making music. But that night, for the first time I just laid there on my bed getting kind of emotional. I didn’t have anything in the pipeline. I just remember thinking to myself, “What do I do now?”
I would do most things to get my stuff out there. I would happily spend days sending hundreds of messages to labels, competitions, blogs, managers, bands, venues, change up my style of music, busk, work and play for free, do whatever. But this Tik Tok thing? This was the first time where I didn’t want to do something to get my music out there. I just didn’t wanna get on fuckin’ Tik Tok, I still don’t. It’s probably the wrong move and hinders everything I’m doing but I’ll be honest with you, I can’t stand it. Social media in general but there is something about this one. I know I don’t have to do a strange dance and I could just upload videos of me singing on it but I didn’t want to. Even without researching this properly, I am convinced that that shit is bad for you: The need for affirmation, the narcissism it breeds, the lack of substance, the lack of human interaction, the abuse that can be fired out to people without any consequences - it’s so messed up. These kids growing up with it are surely gonna grow up all fucked up. It can do a lot of good, don’t get me wrong. And I can’t release something online and just expect everyone to find it, that would be ridiculous. But in general, I think being constantly on your phone looking outward can’t be good for no one.
30 is seen as the age where things should be set in stone, or at least where some kind of path is laid out. I don’t really know why. Look at any article or TV show about turning 30 and it’s as if you’re announcing to the world you’ve got an STI. The distance between 29 and 30 feels way more than just a year. If you don’t have your shit together, people start looking at you funny. A lot of my friends like me are turning 30 and they’re picking their life partners, having kids, buying houses, getting mortgages and living the good life. They are multiplying and spawning at a scary rate. I think I’ve sacrificed these things to an extent and I’m not saying they cannot overlap but, in my head, I put music in front of everything else for better or worse. Whether it was right or wrong, I thought anything or anyone in the way would be detrimental to doing music. And when you see time moving so fast around you, those thoughts which were once very quiet slowly turn into doubts and slowly begin to get louder. After eleven years of music, I suppose I hoped my gamble would have paid off in some way. And I suppose everybody wants to make the people who have supported and believed in them proud. To make your own and their sacrifices feel worth it so everything that you do isn’t all in vain. And speaking honestly, I don’t think I have made any kind of dent and I’m not exactly where I wanted to be. And in that moment, after flicking through that horror show, I thought exactly that, and it hurt. Truly. I’m not where I want to be. It was probably the closest I have been to surrendering.
But then, you know, you wake up, shake the booze off, and you start thinking a bit. And you go again.
This other route that’s there, the socially acceptable path commonly known as settling down is widely depicted as the safer option but… I actually don’t think it is. I think it’s just as mental. Finding the one, co-existing based upon oxytocin-dosed vows in your twenties, creating humans together, keeping them out of trouble, keeping a job, keeping everyone happy, praying the in-laws get on - surely that is just as fucking mental? Surely, it’s just a matter of sheer number that makes this more socially acceptable? That more people are more willing to jump on one mental rollercoaster rather than the other mental rollercoaster because more are getting on the former? Trying to find ‘the one’ is seen as saner than trying to become an actor. I think both routes are crazy because life is crazy.
I’m just guessing here but financial security, marital vows, ill-health, just straight up routine surely produce undesirable byproducts that come along with the beauty of settling down? Less sleep, less time for yourself, less creative output, less socialising, more sacrifices, more responsibilities - surely this is all as scary as it is uncertain? All my friends who have become new fathers and mothers are all doing great and it’s so nice to see them all embrace parenthood - but it does scare the shit out of me. From time to time, in the past I have had some people, even strangers sometimes, laying out to me the hardships of being in a long-term relationship, having a stable job or getting on the tube and doing the same thing over and over again. They say maybe they should have learnt the piano, gone travelling, had a threesome or whatever it was they never did. They see someone ‘chasing their dream’ and wish they gambled on some business idea they had when they were in their early twenties. At the same time, I say when I look at their lives - their families, their career, their houses – I have doubts about what I do too and that maybe I’m just desperately hanging on to a pipe dream that will never happen. The green is grasser on the other side. As tired as that sounds, it’s probably right.
If you are a young artist who wants to devote themselves to their art in any medium at the expense of a more ‘secure’ pathway, from someone who is maybe older and still trying to do that I would say this: Do it for the love of what you do and not for the destination. These dreams and goals we all want to achieve, whether it’s creatively, financially or security driven all get fuzzier as we get older. Mainly, because we change. Sometimes I think if our own youthful dreams were staring at us right in the face, most of us wouldn’t even notice. Try new things out too. Make the unknown known. Make the unknown as small as a black hole as you can make it. And the things you’ll never try or choose to do, make sure you’re content with knowing you’ll never try them. Knowing something is bad or making a mistake is far better than forever contemplating what something would be like or could have been. The unknown is a powerful thing.
And if you’ve ever felt like giving up your art as a career, whether you persist or do something different, either way, the path you take is going to be effin crazy anyway. I think we all yearn for some kind of happiness so we can lay down at night and sleep well. But when that stress leaves you, what do you have left? Just because you’ve cut loose some of the weight, it doesn’t mean you’ll suddenly be happy or feel better. I don’t think happiness = life - stress. Sometimes purpose comes with a price, wherever you go.
I think too many people on the TV thank God, say their path was already written or put it down to destiny or fate. I don’t believe any of that. And that’s not out of bitterness either or because I haven’t done much in music, but it’s just that I’ve seen too many intelligent and way more talented people be dealt harsh hands whether that’s due to ill-health, bad circumstances, added responsibility or just simple bad luck. I always thought if something did happen with my music that I would put a small part down to hard work but most of it down to extreme luck. I think for every one of these self-proclaimed God-chosen people who’ve made it, there are a million others who won’t regardless of how talented or nice they are. Their stories are not documented. I mean look at covid. It didn’t matter how secure or talented you were, it affected so many families. Who saw that coming? How many people did covid stop from thriving? It must have been countless. And no matter what path you took - how do you protect yourselves from that?
Trying to ‘make it’ - I don’t know what that term even means anymore. Sure, we would all love to tour, sell albums, probably best way to put it is to live off just music - even if it’s on the breadline. But even then, would it be happy ever after if your dreams did actually come true? It’s plain to see that even the people who get there still feel the same shit that we all do and can succumb to life’s complications, no matter how higher up the ladder you think they are. You should always aim high, of course you should. But giving up because you don’t quite get to the exact destination might be wrong because there are endless other avenues and destinations which are just as pretty.
There will be people who put you down, don’t think you’re good enough, all that shit. I’ve been lucky to have had a tonne of people who have supported me down the years, but, man, the amount of people I know who have had people look down on them for gambling on their art is sad. However, I think it’s vital to know that these people who frown upon those who take the artistic route are people who are themselves enamoured and captivated by fictional TV shows, theatre productions, films, videos games, paintings, all works of art that are created by artists who have gambled on their love and passion for their art; artists who have gone down the very same pathway that these people have belittled. As if a career involving expression through art should solely be served for those who don’t support its foundations.
Maybe one day, I will give up music. Maybe. Or at least give up trying to make a career of doing just music. I think I will always be creating something, even if it’s just for myself. Whatever path you and I take will be a crazy one because, again, life itself is fucking crazy and right now, I choose this. I wanna keep seeing how far down the rabbit hole I can go with a guitar in my hands. And if it doesn’t work out, well hopefully it would have gotten me somewhere else just as beautiful.
I remember all the things
Of what I wanted to be
Now all I wanna be is happy
Ten years on from writing those lines, I’m about to turn thirty and honestly, I don’t even know if those lines make sense to me anymore. If I was looking for happiness and constant bliss, I don’t think I was ever gonna find that. Life is full of pain, death, loss, illness, heartbreaks and regrets. However, it’s those moments in between when we come up for air - the nights out, the times with friends and family, the milestones reached, the hard work put in, the dreams we have and the hope that remains; all of these joyous moments dispersed between the continuous struggles and the time ticking away. So, when it is good, it is good. And I will enjoy it when it is and I will fight back when it isn’t.