Thoughts

[covered-with-mist]

http://covered-with-mist.tumblr.com/

[should-my-dreams-fall-apart]

[secondhandlegend-blog]

save your gentleness for somebody else: an aimee and james mix [listen]

01. you said okay - flatsound // 02. walls - stars // 03. volcano - damien rice // 04. nicotine - panic! at the disco  // 05. if i had a heart - fever ray // 06. until the last falling star - matthew perryman jones  // 07. let me love you - raj // 08. fool’s desire - gareth dunlop // 09. light reading - late night alumni

[jmwthoughts]

I'm worried about this whole prom thing. I shouldn't be.

[jmwthoughts]

Wishes.... I want stuff for the ATL guys to be okay. Things just seem tense, I never see them talking to each other, Alex seems pretty alone. And Pete, too. I want things to be good for him. He puts up with a lot and never asks for anything in return. For myself, I guess I want somebody who's going to understand this thing of mine. How I want to maybe kiss somebody without them pushing any of my boundaries, how I want to feel safe with just one person, normal even.

[jmwthoughts]

“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.”

— (via recoveringpeacock)

I don't tell anybody about it. About how I feel uneasy in certain crowds, how I don't really trust people to touch me other than maybe a handshake or a hug. It's not fair to the fans or my friends. I shouldn't have to feel so cautious and afraid of everyone. 

It's been a little over a year now and I'm still terrified but I'm confused. Because while I'm not over it, I'm feeling these things that make me sick. I don't want to feel the need to touch somebody or for them to touch me. Does it mean I'm getting better or worse? 

I told Pete I sometimes want to kiss somebody or just be held but I don't think it's fair to ask anyone for that. Because I don't want to date them and I don't want to sleep with them or love them, I just want the positive affection. I know how it works though, there's always some sort of trade and it's not fair for me not to give the person back anything in exchange for my conditions. 

But I look on things that I've said to Alex or Brendon last night and it's like...Like it's kind of okay when I'm in control. As long as I know what I'm getting into and starting things, I'm okay. Because if I'm starting things then the ball is completely in my court and I can decide where things go from there. I think I'm getting better, I have to be.