@jnthevoid - Tumblr Blog

goodnight

#added later #I wish I could talk to you #I hear you moving around up there #I imagine they go up and get to talk to you a bit before sleeping #I wish #....#I wish ...

I think I want someone who will come find me.

I think you want someone who will leave you be.

#idk #it's just the feeling I get #but I will always look for you #and it seems you will always leave me be #I have been trying to leave you be though #against all the impulses in my bones I try to leave you be #but then it gets hard to know when you do want to be looked for #do you ever want to be looked for?

They are always with you when you say "*I* am going to see my parents"...

Do they get to go over to your parents house? Be a part of every aspect of your life, including the parts you may not be proud of?

It's moments like these where I am reminded of how sad I am that I am not your partner.

#which I do strongly feel I could be if they would be fine with sharing a bedroom with me #that's the only extra thing I needed from you #was to share the room we retire to at night #and if you have another partner they would be in that room too #I don't need to share a bed just a room #but also your partner often peeves me #so maybe it still wouldn't work out

Here's something I don't wanna say out loud.

Whenever I am really annoyed at them, I am also annoyed at you, because you chose them.

#not that you chose them over me #just that they are the one you chose #and they do so so so many things that get on my nerves

I called it 'default behavior' but I knew that didn't feel right. I know what I was trying to say now. I feel like the things I want the roommates to do is common courtesy.

Asking why these weed stems are in a box before throwing them away? Common courtesy.

Asking where a dish belongs in the kitchen instead of putting it in a random place? Common courtesy.

Other stuff is just straight up them not thinking.

"The box of dry mop pads that only have 3 left? Oh yeah. Let's move that out of the way so I can get to the new Swiffer wet pads. Let's not ask if we need to use these dry pads up or throw them away. Who cares! Not me!!"

They have critical thinking skills, I know they do. I just wish they would use them in everyday life.

#the other one annoys be too but it's less apparent because he just doesn't do anything around the house #so there is less stuff to be annoyed at #but I have the bathroom cabinet incident to fall back on for him #I dont love these people enough to put up with their default way of living #and I refuse to take on extra strain to make up for their lack of care #it's easy living with you #you may leave cabinets open and not fully close lids #but I love you and i find loving you to be easy #so making small changes in my life to accommodate your quirks makes me happy #this logic does not extend to the roommates because I am not head over heels in love with them #they are great friends #I hate them as my roommates

You know how we say "love isn't easy, it's a choice everyday", but the other side of the sword is "this shouldn't be this hard".

It works with roommates too. Living with roommates isn't easy. You need to communicate and learn how to live with each other. But the other side of that is also "this shouldn't be this hard".

There comes a point where you have to decide if you are taking on an unnecessary amount of emotional strain. Over these next two years I will work toward communicating to my roommates the things they do that annoy me and we will see if my emotional load has lightened or if I am slowly drowning.

Having love for them would help because I would have the emotional bandwidth to put up with more of their quirks. Unfortunately, I do not see my love for either of them growing. Therefore, my annoyance with their quirks will remain the same.

So annoyed I can't even knit. I'm Shaking. I feel like I shouldn't have to teach people how to think of others before taking action. You live with three people. You need to get clarification instead of assuming.

#but apparently they're not in the wrong #it's completely normal to not think about anyone else and just do what you want to do #I know I have to bring it up to get it fixed #but it's annoys me further when you act like they have done nothing wrong and I'm the one making a big deal #when I feel like I am making a normal deal out of something that should not have happened in the first place #who throws away weed stems that are in a clearly labeled box without asking WHY there are weed stems in a clearly labeled box??????#who finds a dish in the dishwasher that they have not seen before and just puts it where ever the feel like it should go???#the emotional load is real and if it keeps weighing me down I am going to drown

I would have stayed up to play video games with you... Or you could have hung out while I got my outfit together...

#why say goodnight #if you wanted someone to stay up with I would have stayed up with you #I guess that's what a partner is for though #...

I tried to say it without saying it. You two looked so freaking cute in your photo booth pics...

It made me sad.

#I know #no fun #but I couldn't even stay in the same room #I was so hurt #not by you but by my own feelings #my own worst enemy some might say #is it crazy to wish you were best friends with them and partners with me #but then I see that and wonder if maybe they're better for you

jnthevoid

Oh to have someone to share quiet nighttime chats with before falling into a slumber.

I'm so happy to be home

I still get sad that you don't go to bed in my room.

Is it bad that I want to spend every waking moment with you? Is that too much?

#had a shot and some wine #I missed you so much #I'm so happy I'm back home #I loved that you took and nap then rejoined the party #it was fun when you were there

Oh stars am I glad I have started therapy. Excited to have someone to dump all these dumb feelings on.

#and irrational thoughts #like literally something I told someone I NEEDED to say but I also KNEW it was wrong #the entire thing felt so bad and dumb and awful #but now!#I can tell my therapist those things #I think it will be good

Day 5 of living alone again and I'm starting to get sad.

#only 1 more day #before I'm back in my house #with three roommates #living together cooperativly

It's been fun getting to be a complete loser of a human being again while alone in a home, but I'm ready to return to my communal living situation now. Thank you.

#just one more day #god I have no discipline when it comes to myself #I need people in my space so I can keep it clean for them #but then I get annoyed when the same people don't keep the same space clean #we should all be keeping the spaces clean not just me #but it's still better than this shit

Walking my dog on a neighborhood road, its a nice long windy road in the middle of nowhere. I hear a car coming, step to the side. The car appears very quickly around the bend, partially in the other lane as it takes the turn. It's going too fast for a neighborhood road. I say to myself, "oh my god". The car window is down. She hears me say this as she passes. She gives me the middle finger.

#I did not raise my voice #I was not attempting to let her know my unease regarding her speed #really I was speaking more to my dog than her #I was merely shocked and annoyed #I did not know her window would be down #there was no need to respond with such animosity

I don't think I can accommodate the love language Words of Affirmation. Or at least it does not come naturally to me.

#I probably could accommodate with conscious effort #but if you have someone who does it naturally that's probably better

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