Joan’s Tears

“How much better is silence; the coffee cup, the table. How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. Let me sit here for ever with bare things, this coffee cup, this knife, this fork, things in themselves, myself being myself.” ― Virginia Woolf, The Waves she/her,23

[joanstears]

10th September

Rain woke me up at 8. Because of a weather change I had a headache so I couldn’t concentrate on studying properly. Literally did nothing all day. Around 8 I went out with a friend.

I feel like the summer is finally ending. Yes rain brings me pain but I find it relieving. When it’s summer my mood only worsens. Sunshine encourages you to be happy, warm weather demands cheerfulness from you. Autumn understands me and of course I don’t want to be comfortable in my awful state but at least it’s not stressful. Everything around me is in harmony with everything inside me.

The thought of my oral exam fills me with dread.

[joanstears]

9th September

I woke up at 8. Made my coffee and bed. I did not study. Had a long phone call with two of my best friends. I miss them. Tried to study again and failed. Lunch then a walk. I enjoy Steppenwolf very much.

Started Interview with the Vampire. I read the first book last year but I have to admit I enjoy the show so much more.

Vampirism makes me think. It’s an interesting concept. So much grief and so much pleasure is present in it.

How I long to be immortal. Maybe then I would have all the time I need to figure everything out, to understand myself better.

Finally around 7 I found energy in me to study. I drank black coffee and wished for better and newer brain.

I managed to answer some questions on my own. Pharmacy is not for the faint of heart. I may have girlbossed too close to the sun.

[joanstears]

8th September

-woke up at 9 (not my proudest moment) but I got out of bed immediately

-listened to music while I was getting ready,made coffee

-studied pharm technology 1 for one hour with small breaks + made anki cards for questions I learned

-read a chapter of Name of the rose by Umberto Eco - his writing is very thorough, i love it so far

-vacuumed and tidied my room quickly

-proceeded to do nothing until lunch

-lunch

-had no energy for anything-laid in bed for at least 3 hours

-around 6 I got my ass up and did some more work on the same subject…I had no concentration so I feel like it was useless but at least I did something

-dinner

-went for a 30 min walk while listening to audiobook (Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse)

-shower

-I did some more work before bed

[joanstears]

Hello

I’m not sure if anybody will see this BUT this is my final attempt at making my life right. I’ve been stuck in the same position for two years. Every day I wake up without any reason to live. I consider myself to be a highly ambitious person with big goals and dreams but depression has been eating away at my brain therefore I have zero concentration or any energy to do anything. Of course my poor mental health is affecting my academic life and in return I became even more miserable. If I continue like this I genuinely see no acceptable future for myself. I will either have to off myself or do something about it.

This will be my diary of sorts or just a place where I can hold myself accountable.To my core I am a being of routine but with no will to live it’s been harder and harder to maintain any routine at all. I will have to make daily honest updates on here. It’s the only way to track my progress.I am aware that change cannot come overnight.

So my plan is : to get my academic life back on track, to work as much as I can considering that I have to pay for uni, to get healthy ( maybe even start going to the gym?)

My short term/ september goals are:

- Pass at least 5 exams before the new semester (organic chem 2 is the biggest priority)

- Finish two current reads

- Start working out 15 minutes every day

My long term goals are to:

- Become more mindful when it comes to my studies

- Actually pass all my exams on time

- Learn French!

- Get my body in perfect shape

- Earn enough money for uni, solo trips etc

- Work on my English

- Write more poems

- Be offline more

I love books and films and learning and making people I love happy but I am so so sick of living like a miserable corpse. I have no reason to live so I guess I have to force some kind of structure in my life and maybe along the way I will find some meaning.