fuck.

@jockjockbadjoke-blog

2,529 posts

Welp

I just made one of those really big decisions that's going to change a ton of stuff, and is leaning towards a direction that is alot less clear and alot more scary, so I guess I hope I don't regret this. And if I do, I probably won't later on anyways. I just hope it doesn't hurt as much as I think it's going to.

Isn't it weird, when you feel like hell and everything's going south, being alone isn't being mindful anymore? You just get more and more lost in thought and it sucks you in. It's one of the worst things for you at that point, but all of a sudden, when someone reaches out or even find yourself in a social setting, nothing anyone says can help, its hard to laugh anymore without feeling worse afterwards, and you immediately want to get the fuck away from everyone and everything because you're still, just "lost in thought." How do I learn to be more mindful? What can I do to make myself feel better? Waiting is making everything worse.

Three days ago I wanted to end my life

Last night, one of my friends successfully ended hers. Ask for help. Please. People care and love you, even when you feel like you can't or you're too embarassed to. I need to take my own advice.

I'm eating Mississippi mud pie and crying everywhere. Im literally covered in chocolate and snot.

What do you do when the person you need the most can't be there for you?

HEY, DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH ME

I'm so tired

Of friends and people around me making fun of, pointing fingers at, and putting down others who struggle with addiction. I’ve dealt with addiction in many forms, and also have been on the outside of addiction, watching close family members and friends struggle, so I understand the frustration and hurt of seeing someone you love not love themselves back, it fucking sucks. But seriously, all of the people I know who keep making comments like “well, that person uses, so…” or if they goof up on something normal “it must be their addiction” or assuming someone is using after they’ve taken the steps to recovery and sobriety, even if it’s only been a week. THOSE ARE BIG STEPS. DON’T PUT THEM DOWN. Don't you know me? DON'T PUT ME DOWN. Also, to all of my friends saying this stuff, I know many of you suffer from mental illnesses, and ask for understanding when you slip up. But ya know…ADDICTION IS A MENTAL ILLNESS. Saying stuff like this just makes you sound like an asshole. Saying it in front of me, or TO me, makes you a fucking asshole.

Don’t be a fucking asshole.

STOP

Telling others they can do things if you can when everyones bodies are different, and also fuck you.

I dont ever want hear that “sorry, im just an asshole” or “im sorry you feel that way” bullshit ever fucking again. Ugh.

Show your loved ones you actually care about their feelings with real apologies. Communication and understanding goes a long way.

Im going on tour in less than two weeks

AHHHHHHHH

Ive forgotten about myself

I need someone to help me but im too afraid to ask

I hate that when i do get like this i end up with impulses to relapse.

*takes down photos, lies about not being warned (hello, I'm looking at screen shots of anons from 2 people and myself and also that weak ass response that it "has nothing to do with you" keeps up photo of the other piece of shit* *ya'll have good friends* trust them instead of an entire town of people, ok lol Also, is that what my blog looks like? I haven't changed it for 7 years and I don't have a computer so oops! It's tumblr format who caaarrrresssss ommmmmmmgggguhhhhhhhhj sorry I'm not glued to a website that doesn't fucking matter 24 hours a day jfc. I can't stop doing this lol

It's pretty much official (I guess since we both didn't pay attention to when we actually first started dating,) that I've been suckin faces with this motherfucker for a year now. Kind cool meeting your best friend at a weird fest in bumfuck, Oklahoma then asking him to play Dumbfest a year ago and look where we're at now. Played another Dumb Fest (together this time) to mark the year. Here's to one year of flexin with your bestie. P.s. you're really hot.

#Bubba #Tony #dumb #lovefest4ever #lookinlikerapcappoass #punkistight

Goddamn, I shouldn’t feel sorry for the foolish, naive or the just plain stupid and easily swayed, and…well, I dont. I just want to beat them senseless. It confuses me and is disheartening to see people go back on what sounds like their basic moral code and use trauma for means of revenge or righteousness. Not only does this tact look sloppy, especially when everyone already knows what actually happened through survivors stories, eye witnesses, text messages and phone calls, it looks extra shitty still when we know it came as a rebuttal for some actual terrible things you and your friends did. I guess that’s A reason those people aren’t really around anymore. “It must SUCK to be this hysterically bad of a person!!” On a lighter note, this weekend was tight and I’m walkin on cloud 9 and experiencing the post fest blues all at the same time. Tour soon, lots of shows to play and book, lots of art to focus on and another potential promotion (Skype interviews are weird as fuck, btw). Oh! And counseling for a punk rock camp for girls, so benefit show for that on the 25th. Another 55 hour work week starting tomorrow. Bring it on, baby!!!

"Please commission photography from me, see, look here; I took pictures of this rapist and you can buy some copies to help me pay my rent! I know they're a rapist and have been told by many people and people who have been hurt at the hands of this person, but it doesn't involve me, so I don't care! I continue to associate with abusers and rapists and am unapologetic and gross. So If you could check out these pics on Flickr, thanks!"

yo, FUCK YOU.

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