🖤My head’s in heaven, my soles are in hell🖤

Ashton 27 She/They I’m going to kill god ♈️

[joestarfucker420]

Terfs die by my blade

[joestarfucker420]

i have promised myself i won’t message her again unless she talks to me

but FUCK it sucks to watch someone wax poetic about one of my dearest friends knowing it’s kinda her fault and she doesn’t care

like idk i’m sorry you can’t find the words to write a song for them. do you remember like two months ago when you called off the move and ur boyfriend got a cat the next day to cement that since Nix is allergic and could never live with a cat and also had to cut their visits shorter and like you knew that would be the result? Cause I remember that. And the 20 other things you did or at the very least let your boyfriend do

[joestarfucker420]

everything just kinda sucks and i wish i could just lash out and like isolate myself but i can’t i have people too important too me but fuck

i just want to be angry and bitter and mean

[joestarfucker420]

yeah whatever if she can publicly say she’s gonna “stop blaming herself” i’m gonna tell her any thought i fucking have FUCK YOU

they’re fucking dead and you think none of it was you and i think that might be the cherry on fucking top

[joestarfucker420]

that was cruel but idc she needed to hear it

[joestarfucker420]

it was selfish of me to act like that but i think im fine with it

[joestarfucker420]

well

i feel evil and irredeemable for that and i don’t think i care because i know i could have been worse to you

i hope you keep me blocked for your sake

[joestarfucker420]

they wouldn’t have blamed you but unfortunately i do

[joestarfucker420]

I'm just a stranger that reads your posts but you're not a bad person. You're right, and some people will never fucking learn if someone doesn't shame them into understanding how they've hurt others. I'm so so so sorry for the loss of your friend, they sound like a wonderful person.

Thank you. I still feel like a bad person but I don’t regret telling her what she did. I’m still trying to be less cruel than I could be. I think I want her to understand more than I want her to hurt

I don’t know if that counts for anything

Nix was one of the more passionate and creative ppl I’ve ever known. They were wonderful and kind and interesting and intelligent. The kind of person you meet when lightning strikes.

[joestarfucker420]

Hey I just want to say I'm so so sorry for your loss

Thank you I miss them so much

[joestarfucker420]

i think i’m okay if that makes me a bad person

because maybe if i had been realer and louder to them about how badly the needed to drop those assholes they’d still fucking be here

so i will be real and loud to her instead

[joestarfucker420]

i could have said worse but i still wasn’t kind

[joestarfucker420]

i’m gonna go smoke then reply to her

whatever comes out comes out

[joestarfucker420]

the kicker is all nix ever really wanted was community. they searched for it everywhere, especially with other trans ppl

and those were the ones who shut them out the hardest

for the crime of being idk louder and passionate

some fucking community

they even accepted her for things i couldn’t have. because they saw the good in everyone even in people who do unforgivable things

but i guess at the end of the day you have two victims under your belt

third times the charm maybe? or will you do something horrible to whoever next is unlucky enough to cross your path

[joestarfucker420]

and like

i can’t talk about this to anyone because any rational person knows it wasn’t her fault there probably nothing she could have done but yet

she could have done a lot. and she didn’t. and even when i begged her to go check on them because i had spent three days obsessively checking texts and socials to see if they had posted

she didn’t even check

two minute walk on foot it was the same fucking apartment complex

so even the most rational and put together parts of me are SCREAMING at me to tear her to shreds to tell her that she was the worst thing to ever happen to them

they knew each other for like two years and some change and the downward slope on their mental health lines right fucking up with when they met her

[joestarfucker420]

i think if she wasn’t the only person in their life i could contact i’d be meaner.

i’m just hoping she’ll be able to tell me if there’s a funeral or where they’ll be buried

i doubt it since i had to break the news to them anyways

but it’s forcing me to be nice i guess

[joestarfucker420]

they’ll be buried under a stone that says the wrong name and it was your fault