it is what it is

julian mercer ; child therapist

[thelostdyson]

LoneStar // Victor-Wesley-Julian

[juliansettled]

wesleyfinn‌:

thelostdyson‌:

Victor knew he had to be careful around Julian. Just because the two had managed to find some sort of common ground didn’t mean that everything was fine between the two. It was still a lot of bad history and that history could pop back up quickly if they weren’t careful. Still, he couldn’t see the guy out on the street. Even if he didn’t do it for Julian he wanted to do it for Romeo. A last good act for the man he loved and had lost.

Stepping aside with a smile Victor held the door open so Julian could walk in, Kevin standing there with “Hi Junian” he said and waved “Vic said I get to show you to your room” Victor laughed softly “He’s excited” he told Julian “for some reason he likes playing host” As he closed the door he nodded “I won’t lie, Texas takes some getting used to, but I’ve found that no place I’ve ever been to is more welcoming. I was thinking if you like you can rest up and we’ll go out to dinner”

Wesley had been very nervous about this whole ordeal. He wasn’t sure why, he had no reason to, they were just some adults navigating life with special circumstances but it didn’t help that they had the history they did. To help the situation he decided to take a run, it was the best thing to do to help clear his head. He had ran through the scenario a couple times, and only when he felt ready to tackle it he decided to head back home. 

Home. Weird to think about that this was his new home, he promised not to get too comfortable but it was hard not to. “Hello?” he called out as he step inside, “I’m not too late, right?” he asked and then stopped when he spotted Julian standing next to Kevin and Victor, “oh. Guess I am. Welcome”

It was actually a relief for Julian to have the kid there, something he could focus on that wasn’t dramatic, didn’t make him uncomfortable, and he knew how to interact with. It showed in his warm smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes. “No way, forreal? How much will that cost me?” He made a show of patting his pockets down as he glanced at Victor. “I hope you’re right, because I need to stress eat right now and I don’t have time to get hate crimed.”

Julian was just moving to follow Kevin when he heard a familiar voice, and his visceral response to it reminded just how complex all this shit was gonna be. “Hey, Wes.” He found a casual tone and wave for the man. “I was just following my tour guide...concierge? Host. Just following my host to my room.”

[thelostdyson]

LoneStar // Victor-Wesley-Julian

Kevin sat on the chair as he watched Victor make the last of the beds “So Weswey is coming?” he asked as he swung his legs back and forth, obviously excited.

“Yeah, and Julian. You remember him right?” Victor asked and Kevin nodded “He was really quiet” he answered. “He’s just nervous and that means we’ll have to be on our best behavior okay?” Kevin nodded “Okay” he told him “and you make chocolate chip cookies tonight, right?”

Hearing the doorbell Victor smiled and ruffled Kevin’s hair “Sure,buddy” Pushing down his nerves he walked over and opened the door with a smile “You made it”

@wesleyfinn​ @juliansettled​

[juliansettled]

Julian was definitely nervous, that much was true, but he’d devised a fool proof backup plan if shit went south: run. If he got a week, two weeks in, and wasn’t feeling it, he’d up and take off to New Orleans or someplace and disappear. Maybe he’d even pick up a significant drug habit or something significant, the world was his oyster.

Unsure if he should ring the doorbell or try to walk in, Julian settled on the ring for politeness sake, and rung his hands while he waited to be let in. “I did. Barely.” Offering a smile, he hefted a duffel onto his shoulder, gathering the other carry on and roller suitcase in his other hand; luckily he didn’t own much. “This is the furthest I’ve been from home by about....” He squinted in thought. “1700 miles. Pretty weird.” More than weird, the queasy feeling of homesickness was already settling in his belly, but he pushed it down and pushed on.

[juliansettled]

keep pride alive [victor]

[juliansettled]

thelostdyson‌:

“Oh” Victor said at finding out Wes’ offer “No, I mean yeah, you see how this place looks. It’s more than enough for all of us and if you’re up for it I can put you in the room next to Wesley. Can’t promise it’s much in the way of decoration though”

There was still a part of him that felt way too guarded with Julian. Like he was always a second away from digging into the wound that Romeo left behind. The wound that Victor has spent the past three years finally treating with something other than self-destruction. He looked at Julian’s hand and then extended his own “Squashed” he said, “you want me to show you the room?”

“You don’t think it’d be weird?” Deep down, Julian really hadn’t thought Victor would agree. It was all too surreal. Maybe people really did grow up. “I guess it wouldn’t really be that long. Once 2020 rolls around we’ll all be scattered again. I guess you’re going back to Texas?”

Shaking his new friend’s hand, Julian nodded. “Sure. Though literally anything would be fine. I’m not picky. I’ll probably end up in a box after this, so it’s downhill from here no matter what.” He had said that a bunch of times in the last month, to a bunch of people, with varying levels of humor in his voice, but each day that went by made it that much more of a real possibility. He was really putting off some important shit.

[juliansettled]

keep pride alive [victor]

[juliansettled]

thelostdyson‌:

“I mean if you ever feel up to visiting I’m happy to offer a spare room,” Victor said “I can’t promise it will be like this…” he gestured around the apartment “but it’s nice”

“I get it” Victor responded “I hated myself for a long time and it was easier to imagine that other people felt the same” It was hard being this honest and the reference to Romeo still stung badly “We weren’t our best selves and like you said it won’t bring back the things we lost”

Julian cleared his throat. “Funny you should offer, because...” He trailed off, not sure if he had the courage to continue, then said fuck it. “Because Wes offered for me to stay with you guys for a while, until the hotel goes under anyway, and I felt like you wouldn’t actually agree to that. Now, I don’t know.” The pressure of the question and situation made it hard to meet Victor’s eye.

“Yeah, I felt like I hated you too, but like you, I’m sure that was more self-loathing than anything else.” Julian nodded with a kind of finality. “That settles it then, squashed.” He took a few steps closer, and held out his hand to shake on it: closure.

[juliansettled]

therapist, reveal thyself ; taylor

Julian was oddly nervous about this, though he’d been nervous about most everything the past few months, anxiety ratcheting up as the foundation he’d built his adult life on was being very literally destroyed. He and Taylor had been good friends once upon a time, but they’d never been similar, and life had pulled them even further apart. 

Julian wanted to get his old friend something nice, but Taylor had much better taste than he, and he was scared to spend a lot of money on something and get it wrong. Searching etsy and vintage shops, he’d found a nice bag at an agreeable price, but not too cheap. It had cost several hundred, but not several thousand, looked nice, but not too flashy for an up and coming attorney. He hoped it was good enough, as he’d attached a lot more weight to this gift than he should; it was like a test to see if he should try to have anything meaningful in his life, or disappear into the city, never to be seen again. Yes, he should be seeing a therapist.

Julian had sent a text to Taylor, asking to meet and catch up, then brought the wrapped bag with him upstairs. “If I’m your secret Santa, what does that make you? Secret recipient? Secret well-behaved child? It’s a confusing concept, I think.”

@taylorakerman

[juliansettled]

keep pride alive [victor]

[juliansettled]

thelostdyson‌:

Victor could see that Julian was uncomfortable and now he was the one that was purposefully avoiding what was so obviously their issue. “It took some getting used to” he admitted “everything runs slower, but that’s a good thing. Then you get to a city like Austin and it’s no different than New York. Just as progressive even”

He took a breathe “Look, I know that we have our issues and pretending we don’t won’t do anything” he said “Getting some time and distance gives you a clear head. I didn’t come here to fight with you, Julian. We both were going through the worst times in our lives back then and it was just easier to take that out on one another and for that I’m sorry”

“Well, to be fair, I’ve never been there...or off the east coast, so I wouldn’t really know.” Julian was slightly offended that Victor would compare NYC to literally anywhere else, let alone a Texan city, but he had to let it slide for the moment.

Julian was very still as he listened, eyes wide and trained on Victor’s face, searching for sincerity. But eventually he relaxed and nodded. “Yeah I didn’t want to fight either. I just assumed you still hated me. Sometimes that just feels better, even though no amount of hate will ever bring...anyone back.” Weird how saying Romeo to Victor felt like calling a ghost: too heavy. “I’m sorry too, though. I probably said some mean shit, not that I remember all of it.”

[juliansettled]

knock knock

[juliansettled]

“floydthegrouch‌:

“Oh, you have no idea.” Floyd mumbles under his breath, his attention flickering over to quietly brewing fight on the couch. He grabs a soft ball shaped toy off the counter and pitches it at the kids. It never gets the chance to hit them because Dipshit launched himself off the back of the couch, landing straight ontop of the bickering bunch, a strartling the kids. “Well, that’s what happens when you try too hard. It’s why I make a point of never having to actually do any real work.” He says, leading the way into the kitchen. “I’ve found it often takes you to places you don’t want to revisit– or, well, visit in the first place.”

A few clicks of a the cupboard doors and the gasping breath of a breach in the refrigerator’s seal, and Floyd is pouring his guest and himself a nice cold glass of lemonade. “No, I’m just easily bullied into it.” He replies, handing Julian a glass.

And just as he was about to enjoy his own glass, Alyssa sneaks up, and plucks it right out of his hands with a quick thanks. “Mom says we have to keep you busy, otherwise you’ll just get yourself arrested.”

Floyd’s eyes widen. “Funny, that’s how your mum convinced me to watch you!” His eyes flicker back up to Julian. “She’s been stalking a neighbor since he moved in.”

“He’s so pretty, I can’t help it!”

“That’s no excuse! You don’t see me stalking this one over here.” He points to Julian. “It’s called self control, Lysa, if you can’t learn it, at least learn to be discreet. Don’t just sit at his door until he comes home. You hide behind something big in the lobby or the hallway and wait for him there.”

Julian was pretty quick on his feet, he’d had years of training on the worst battlefield: the catch-all ward for teens with homicidal and suicidal ideations; he wasn’t expecting the pitch, but once Floyd let it fly, he’d anticipated the reaction, laughing in genuine delight at the Dipshit’s antics. “So what, you just fall into whatever pattern is easiest and save yourself the trouble?” Julian sounded slightly incredulous, but not judgmental--it would be kind of nice to not need to control everything, to just let things happen.

“I think you’re easily bullied into it because you enjoy doing it.” Julian smiled in his smug, know-it-all, slightly-annoying-but-cute way. Until his eyes cut to Alyssa, widening with a fresh scandal to gawk at. “Or because you’re avoiding jail time? Let me guess: black bloc protester?” He was surprised how much he was enjoying this intimate banter...with near strangers...as he sipped his lemonade.

Having been pointed at, Julian laughed, shaking his head. “Nothing about that was discreet.” Especially calling him pretty so obviously. Slick maybe, but not discreet. “It’s all about online stalking these days, sweetheart. Get those socials, make an alt, browse to your heart’s content from the comfort of your own room.”

[juliansettled]

keep pride alive [victor]

[juliansettled]

thelostdyson‌:

It was tense being alone with Julian after all these years. It was like like Lincoln, but a hundred times worse. Still, with Julian at least he shared equal blame in this and that made it so he wasn’t about to take whatever past pain he had out on the guy. After letting him in Victor closed the door and walked over to the fridge to pull out a couple of juices and handed one over.

“I’ve been good. Busy” he said “moved to Texas and adopted my little brother so it’s been a quite a time” At his comment about the place he looked around, remembering that the last time the two had been here was just after Romeo’s death when Julian showed up drunk and angry at 2 a.m. and the shame hit him all over again “Yeah, it’s nice. Almost seems a shame to let it go” he cleared his throat “How have you been? You look good”

Julian would have really commiserated with that tension if Victor had brought it up, but instead he just stewed in it, trying to keep it from boiling over into his expression. Another thing he would have agreed on: their problems were (at least partially) Victor’s fault. He took a juice and started to walk toward the nearest chair, thought better of it, and paused to lean against the wall instead, twisting off the cap for a sip.

“Sounds very busy, yeah. Probably some culture shock too. Can’t imagine I’d fare well in Texas, where everything is bigger, including the homophobia.” Having suppressed any memories of that period of his life, except in therapy, Julian was very deliberately not thinking of showing up here and arguing over Romeo. “Oh me?” His brows shot up, hand going to his chest. “I look good? Damn Victor, I--I really thought I was gonna have to fight at least a little today.” Julian just let fly what he was thinking, too thrown off to be coy, dropping the bullshit. “Are you killin em with kindness these days or what?”

[juliansettled]

lesterwarrensmiles‌:

“I mean, yeah,” Lester said with a nod, having thought about it so much over the past year it made him insane almost. He did carry a lot of the blame, not wanting Hayden to be the bad guy in this. “You wait, I am sure there is someone out there who is going to melt that heart and make you believe in love once more.” He walked in and looked around, waiting to be seated. “You might meet a nice Korean man here who is perfect for you,” he teased.

“I’m really sorry. I know how crazy hard breakups can be sometimes. Maybe you’ll find each other again in the future.” If people weren’t right the first time, they usually weren’t right the second, but the idea could still help people feel better. “I’m sure you’re wrong.” Julian wasn’t sure, but he wanted to be. “No, I’m gonna run in the opposite direction. Leave you to eat here alone just for putting that evil on me.” Julian gestured to the menu, “You can order me whatever you get.”

[juliansettled]

keep pride alive [victor]

[juliansettled]

ththelostdyson‌:

Victor was thankful for the peace and quiet. With Wesley taking Kevin out for the afternoon he got to finish and submit his last paper of the semester. Now, sitting back on his couch watching some Hallmark Christmas movie he took a sip of the lemonade in his hand.

He was almost about to doze off when he heard a knock on the door and sitting the glass down he stood up and made his way over. Of all the people he expected to see Julian was about the least. He was almost positive that the guy had been avoiding him, not that Victor made too much effort on his end either. There was still a bit of shame there seeing their history.

“Hey,” he said and smiled “I…it’s nice to see you. You want to come in?”

Shocked. Julian was more than surprised that he got an actual smile from this man, let alone a genuine-looking one, and an immediate invitation in. Maybe Victor was just more mature, less petty and grudgy than Julian. Maybe he was like a real adult. 

“Uh...” He really started to say no even though that was exactly why he’d come. “Yes, yes I would like to come in. How’ve you been?” Julian tried to give a smile back, but it was more nervous than he’d have liked. This reaction had thrown him off his game a little, showed some awkward cracks in the facade as he followed Victor inside. “Real nice place here.”

[juliansettled]

keep pride alive [victor]

Julian was really not thinking of taking Wesley up on his offer, that he’d obviously made without consulting Victor first. There was just no way he would be able to push his still-bruised ego to the side, forget all the feelings he’d had about Victor over Wesley (and before that, Romeo) and want to share an intimate space with him. He really, a hundred percent, would rather live on the fucking street, not even being dramatic.

But. Julian couldn’t deny that he did want to spend more time with Wesley, in some capacity, and he did want to see what Victor would say, what he’d been up to, if he still hated Julian, if he was cold and alone at night. The usual catching-up stuff. 

“Hey, Victor! Vic, it’s your old friend!” He was laughing a little as he knocked on the door, covering all the jangling nerves with humor and false confidence.

@thelostdyson​

[juliansettled]

gift 1

“I mean thanks, but all offense taken.”

[juliansettled]

knock knock

[juliansettled]

floydthegrouch‌:

The door clicks shut as he watches Julian’s reaction to seeing his decorating tastes. “Yes, actually.” Floyd didn’t mind. He had very peculiar tastes, he knew it, and he wasn’t about to be shamed into not enjoying something just because it was meant for children, someone deemed it ugly, or because it didn’t conform to bland modern minimalist trends. “Designed, born, and raised in the drabest conditions, so now I seek to visually overstimulate not only myself but everyone who dares to step foot into my lair… That, and I come from a long line of hoarders.” Granted, they all preferred to hoard things like capital, precious metals and stones, and power – Floyd on the other hand was hoarding useless shit.

Floyd glances towards the couch– the eldest had installed some kind of app onto his TV, it seemed, and were arguinging over what to watch. “Live with m– Oh, no.” The anarchist waves a hand in their direction. “The red head– Alyssa, and the two siblings– Monica and Diego– all live in the building. I watch them occasionally when their parents are at work or need a break from their kids havoc. The eldest boy– Hudson–” Floyd was babysitting him too, but in a fatherly keep-you-out-of-trouble sort of way. “He’s a coworker and he’s here to help me find their parents a new place. You want some water? Lemonade?”

“Drab hoarders? You’re just full of interesting juxtapositions, huh?” Julian tried to imagine what set up could possibly satisfy all conditions described, and produce this man before him, and couldn’t quite get there--but wealth hoarding hadn’t occured to him. “Some of us replicate our childhoods, and some work to do the opposite. Then, of course, sometimes we work our asses off and end up right back there anyway.” Julian feared he’d just described himself. “It’s a current, for sure.”

Julian followed Floyd’s gestures, trying to commit the names to memory, and attach the backstories to the names. “So you just enjoy having them around? Or are you a caretaker for a living?” He was coming to see how either might be true; and it really made him like Floyd even more. “Either is fine. Wait, lemonade please.”

[juliansettled]

[text] wesley

Wesley: This is the first time me seeing him in years

Wesley: I don't think he cares about stuff that happened years ago.

Julian: I think we'd probably have to sit down and really talk it out first.

Julian: Let me think on it.

Julian: I would like to keep in touch regardless.

[juliansettled]

lesterwarrensmiles‌:

“I made more money? I was always gone?” Lester asked with shrug as he walked down the road a little more. “It is down here, that sign that is in Korean,” he said pointing. “You can’t keep your hear frosty, both girls end up having warmed up by the end.”

“Sounds insecure...not that I have room to talk.” Not getting enough attention had definitely spoiled at least one relationship of Julian’s. At least. Holding the door for Lester, he laughed. “I never actually watched it, it’s just been playing in the background at the hospital. I guess I’ll be frozen like the arctic setting, then.”

[juliansettled]

lesterwarrensmiles‌:

Lester gave a sad smile to Julian. “Work can be what made it hard, but the fact that he couldn’t deal with my work was the reason.” He leaned in and nuzzled his face in the male’s hair. “You need to have your heart melted by the right guy and then you won’t think so. I am twenty-seven, almost twenty-eight.”

“What’s to deal with? The travel?” Julian pointed up ahead, quizzical brow shooting up at what he thought was the restaurant. “Nah, I’m keeping it Frozen 2 like those Disney chicks.”

[juliansettled]

[text] wesley

Wesley: Together?

Wesley: Why don't you stay with us?

Julian: Yeah like a couple.

Julian: Seems hella awkward. Also I don't think he likes me.