“When I experienced a moment of true happiness, The Empty would be summoned, and it would take me forever.
I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be?”
Ever since Castiel had said those words, Dean had wondered what his own true happiness could be.
Was it something he could achieve in life, was it a certain moment he had to wait for, but which, in his experience, was never to come?
He didn’t even remember the last time he was genuinely happy, when he could feel like himself without having to worry all the time.
Was it when he sat in the bunker’s kitchen with Cas and Sam, was it when he found out that Sam had finally found love, that knew the hunter's life and was still willing to date him?
It didn’t matter, he knew that he would never be able to be happy again, not truthfully anyway.
Faking a smile was one of his best mastered skills, he’s been honing it his whole life.
When Sammy would ask where dad was and Dean would put on a smile and tell him how their father was fighting monsters and he'd be back soon. When Dean would decide to go out for the night a pretend that his life was normal and smile at pretty girls in dingy bars. Every time he had to meet someone to work on a case that same fake happiness was put into place.
Setting up a facade was the easiest thing to do, but maintaining it?
Especially in front of his brother, who had known him all his life, knew everything about him?
He wasn’t so sure about that, while yes he would manage to keep up this masquerade, this play, this fake version of himself for a bit, he didn’t know if it was possible forever.
But what was his true happiness, why was it so hard to find? Is it keeping a secret for someone you love, is it being there for someone unconditionally in their need for help?
And even if he knew, he didn’t know how to achieve it.
“You changed me Dean.”
This single sentence played on repeat in his head, being stuck there ever since his Cas had left him, since he got sucked into the Empty. Was it his fault this happened?
Was Dean responsible for this?
He had to be, Cas told him that he loved him and got sucked in by the Empty, taken from him forever.
But why was saying “I love you” to him Cas’ moment of true happiness?
What was so special about this, he had said it to him before but didn’t get sucked in by the empty then and there… Was it the intention behind it? Perhaps it was, but he’d never know the true intention, he could only guess.
It felt like an eternity since this happened, but very much to Deans’ disbelief it had only been five minutes, he was still sitting in that exact same spot Cas had pushed him to.
His phone rang for the first time this evening.
He looked down onto it, not knowing what to expect.
Maybe a miracle, maybe the caller ID would show “Cas”, and he’d wake up, maybe this was all just a bad dream, one he’d hoped to never become true.
To his disappointment the caller was Sam, not Castiel. He didn’t know what to say when he’d answer that call, nor what to expect from his brother, so he let his phone ring, ringing until it died.
Deans’ thoughts wandered back to the scene that had just happened right before his eyes in this very room. Waiting for his mind to process this his mind had traveled back to the exact moment the three cursed words had left Cas’ lips.
“I love you.”
Did he love him like he loved his brother?
Or did he love him like Dean loves Cas, like his mother had loved his father?
But, it was impossible for Cas to LOVE him, he was an angel after all, he didn’t know what true love was, did he?
He didn’t experience human emotions the way all the people around him did, if he experienced human emotions at all that is.
Maybe Cas’ true happiness was experiencing human emotions, maybe that was what all of this was about, not someone being in love with him, this was way too unrealistic.
No one could ever love Dean Winchester in a romantic way, he was too broken of a person for that.
All of his past, the way he was brought up, the way he lived his life; all of those were qualities no one would look for in their partner, those were things to rule out people, not include them in their search for the first place.
All his anger issues, his drinking, none of these were good things.
He wasn’t good, and he never will be.
Yet he still hoped for a partner in life, someone that would appreciate him for who he was and not leave given enough time, leaving him and his thoughts all alone again.
Maybe this was his true happiness, finding that one person that wouldn’t leave him for who he was, that would love him and everything that came with him, his issues, his problems, his qualities, the good or the bad. Maybe he had already found that person in life, found the one that’d appreciated him for his being.
“Goodbye, Dean.”
This, this was it, those were the last words of the person he’d learned to love and adore so much over the course of the last twelve years of his life, and now he was gone.
The person he could trust in most, the one person that had always understood and listened to him.
His best friend, the literal angel of the lord, was gone now and evidently Dean’s happiness too.
That single person that made his head spin whenever he looked at him, he always was a little bit happier when he got to catch a glimpse of Cas without the latter looking at him.
Oh how he wished to have taken pictures of Cas without him knowing, to save memories on his phone. But then on the other hand, he always thought the angel would outlive him, and not vice versa.
He didn’t even have a body to bury, or give a hunter's funeral to, there was only emptiness all around, reminding him of what took his angel.
Holding his head in his hands the scene of the empty sucking in his Cas flashed before his eyes once again. It truly was the stuff nightmares were made out of, and this exact nightmare had taken his… Well, what?
Sudden realization hit Dean like a lightning bolt.
Cas had been HIS ever since purgatory, ever since the two of them were stuck between Heaven and Hell, stuck with all those monsters.
He, Cas, was more than a friend to him, he was Dean’s true soulmate, his better half, the puzzle piece that had been missing in his life.
Dean had now realized, at 41 years old, that he indeed wasn’t straight. He was deeply in love with the angel, with God’s soldier that rebelled against heaven and fell, Cas fell for him. Not only physically, but literally as well. HE was Cas’s true happiness, it was Cas confessing his ROMANTIC love for him that got him killed.
Tears were streaming down his face as if you had opened an endless faucet of them behind his eyes.
His one true love was gone forever, he would never see him ever again, it wasn’t possible for humans to go to the empty, and those who could go there wouldn’t find Cas.
He was gone, dead, sucked in by the empty, lost forever.
Dean didn’t know how to deal with this, sitting here and crying his heart out was probably the healthiest way to cope.
His phone rang again, Sam was trying to talk to him again to no avail.
It rang and rang, Dean ignored it as best as he could.
When the phone died again, his thoughts, once again, wandered back to his Cas, his love lost in eternal darkness.
Dean’s true happiness was meeting Cas again, telling him how much he meant to him, even confessing his love to his angel, that he was sure of now.
Maybe he’d even bring up the courage to go in for a kiss instead of the usual hug, God how he wanted to feel Cas’ lips on his.
He wondered how soft they’d be, how well their lips would match. If Cas’ lips were as soft as his skin, he knew he would’ve kissed a cloud, he would’ve ascended to heaven if this was the truth.
But now, the only truth he was living is the one without Cas, the one where his love was missing from the equation.
Dean slowly let his body sink to the right side, ending up lying on the floor, knees tucked in tight, desperately trying to hug himself, to make himself feel better,at least for a tiny bit, until Jack and his brother were to arrive at the bunker, inevitably finding him here all by himself.
He hand touched the bloody handprint Cas had left on him after pushing him to the side, this was all he had left from Cas, this and the scar on the same shoulder would always be a reminder of what was lost forever.
Right then and there he promised himself to never wash this shirt again, he didn’t want to lose the last memory he had left, the last reminder of what could’ve been.
He would cherish Cas’ memory wherever he went, a part of him would always be with him, watching over him, he knew that.
Cas was his guardian angel but most importantly his true love, and always had been.
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