Drama from the Llama

The peek inside my mind that everyone wants, but no one will stick around for

[justabigcityllama]

I can only write when I'm falling in love, or falling apart

[justabigcityllama]

It’s funny, I thought I’d have at least written here once more before now. I just haven’t been feeling much.. It’s been the same for the last few months.

Nothing but heartbroken. Betrayal, hurt, jealousy.. all just a part of the package. Except hate. As much as you’d like to hate them, it just won’t stick. Why? Because you can’t help but love them. Truly love them.. and that will never go away. Even as you watch them love someone else…

But now a days, who isn’t writing about that? Some know what it’s like, some have only heard. It’s bound to happen eventually. I could say “it’s nothing to worry about, it won’t happen to you”.. but who am I to lie like that? To give false hope. Only the really lucky ones will never have to worry about it, the problem is we all think we’re one of those ‘lucky ones’ until the day comes and it happens.

It’s been 5 months.. and I’m still trying to figure out how to deal..

[justabigcityllama]

How do I say I miss you in a way that will make your heart ache as mine does?

[justabigcityllama]

Llama's goal

How do I start this..? What am I even trying to start? What do I hope to accomplish with this?

So many questions, with only half the answers.

It was suggested to me that I start blogging. Really, for nobody’s interest but my own. To use as a tool - if you will. I lack the ability to open up. To allow others to have access to my thoughts and feelings. I hadn’t always been like this, but somewhere at some point as I was growing up I began locking everything up inside.

Not so much because I thought no one cared, but because I didn’t care. I had always considered my feelings and thoughts secondary. Not as important as the ones of people I cared about. Anything I was feeling could wait.

Only, the waiting never stopped. Always holding things in, never wanting to deal with anything. This now proves to be the biggest issue in my life. I am my own issue haha

It has always been easier for me to type everything out. Whether any of it made sense or not, it was out. There to read, but for my eyes only. Hardly felt like opening up. Which is where all *motions to profile* this comes in. Whether any thing is read by others, or not , the thought of knowing it very well could be is enough. No longer private, this is how I will re-learn to be open. Or at least try :P