An overview: I have a bad memory. I don’t mean the “Whoops! Left my keys somewhere haha silly me”. I mean the “My entire life from the ages of 1-21 are blank with some scattered highlights sprinkled through.”
It’s exhausting to say the least. Wondering if the memories I DO have are real or something that someone else told me and I have convinced myself is real. Being unable to argue with someone if they bring up something from the past because, hell, I don’t know.
With the uncertainty of the events themselves comes the lack of being able to place myself. Looking at old pictures and thinking ‘Where the fuck was I that time?” I latched on quick to anything that was tangible that could at least place me in a spot and give me an anchor. I may not remember the exact circumstances, or who I was with. But these objects would often help as at least a foundation.
Which brings me to movie tickets. Starting in around 2009 I started making a conscious effort to save every movie ticket from films I went to. This became easier as I got my own job and means of transport. Throw in the theatre’s wonderful $5 Tuesday deal. A tradition was formed where my best friend and I would go every Tuesday. Regardless of whether we had a movie in mind we went. The formula was this.
1. Select Movie
2. Attend Movie
3. Go to either Perkins or Denny's and talk about the movie, life, and other nonsense.
It was one of my favorite things I did every week.
Here are the tickets with notes on whatever immediately comes to mind as I look at them. I have done my best to remember the best I can as I look at each one and recorded my thoughts. This is one of the most regular personal histories I have that is semi concrete.
The oldest are at the bottom, newest at the top. Enjoy
the novelty of having a pet will never wear off on me i’ve had animals my entire life for 23 entire years and i still sometimes stop and go holy fuck there is just a little guy in my house
If I had a penny for every time I saw a magical prom where two sapphics dance and almost destroy the entire town, well I’d have two pennies, which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice.
That there is a playlist of songs hand picked from the Top 40 songs during the weeks that a select few of the movies in this archive were playing. Go ahead and hit shuffle. While reading this I want you to listen to these songs and be thinking a bit about if YOU have any memories associated with any of them. Many of these are ear worms. There are many repeat artists (looking at T-Swift). There isn’t a solid theme. The shift from genre to genre may be jarring. The memories that may come up may juxtapose each other. You may have no recollection of some of the songs at all!
All of this is okay. That element of randomness is what I am hoping for. It serves well to illustrate the strange complexity of the concept of memory. When we hear sounds, certain songs, etc we can often be thrown back to some other time without consciously choosing to do so. Likewise many of memories I do drag up are not always things I want to revisit. They are often out of context and a slice pulled from a time I may not have a strong grasp on recalling. Alrighty, now to get started.
The Plot
What I am going to do here is this. I have picked 8 movies that I have already written an associated memory around. Using the U.S. Top 40 I have gathered lists of what the Top songs were during the week that that movie was playing. From there I looked over the songs and picked the first one (or multiple) that I could recall a memory around. I chose the movies fairly randomly as to add to the variety of memories. My goal in this is to show how the mix of medias can both affect a similar experience. In this case, helping me ground a moment in time that I can illustrate a memory with the music.
This was a lot of fun in an exhausting way (which is why I did 8 because my therapist has been through enough). The list of movies are as follows. Feel free to click each one to see the post that goes with it.
Prometheus 6/30/2012
Brave 7/12/2012
Life of Pi 12/25/2012
The Conjuring 7/19/2013
Insidious Chapter 2 9/13/2013
The Lego Movie 3/2/2014
Godzilla 5/17/2014
22 Jump Street 6/21/2014
Now the Music. In the same order for your viewing pleasure is the weekly Top 40 for movies 1 though 8.
Prometheus 6/30/2012
Brave 7/12/2012
Life of Pi 12/25/2012
The Conjuring 7/19/2013
Insidious Chapter 2 9/13/2013
The Lego Movie 3/2/2014
Godzilla 5/17/2014
22 Jump Street 6/21/2014
The Dive
Doing this project was odd. Overall it had equal parts distress as well as curiosity. I tend to avoid trying to actively remember things and then once awhile I will hear some song that I haven’t ran across in awhile, smell something obscure, or maybe see a snippet from a movie that I saw as a kid; then before I can shove that memory back into whatever forgotten lockbox it is lounging in it comes rushing forth and I am forced to think about it. I began to think about if I could use this constructively? As someone with active memory issues due to what I assume is trauma could this be a method to unpack some of whatever the hell happened when I was younger?
This gets us to the movie ticket collection which you are welcome to brush up in if needed. I wanted to expand on this. After doing around 25 tickets I had fast tracked a panic attack. SO, approaching the songs should be handled with care and caution.
Which is what someone that wasn’t on a time table would say. I however buckled it up and my safety net was doing 8 instead of 25. So let’s get down to it!
Following this will be posts in a similar fashion to the movies only it will be made up on write ups around 8 songs from the period of time I have discussed.
Remember, while you are reading this think about what comes up for you when you hear these. Compare them to the memories the movies conjured up against what I dredge up with the music. Combining both movies and music I have done my best to assemble a strategy to form a more complete memory and used this platform to save it. This to me makes it more real. And easier to reflect and tackle. Scroll on down to “Somebody that I Used to Know” and work your way up. If you want, bounce around. Time isn’t real.
Enjoy.
Or don’t.
It was a mixed bag to write it so I wouldn’t blame you.
This isn’t a good song and I’ll argue with anyone who says otherwise. The song revolves around a man saying that he is going to marry a girl despite the fact that her father did not grant his blessing. So yeah, creepy patriarchal stuff out of the way the song itself is just so...Whiney.
The memory though. My birth mom is once again making an appearance. On the way to the airport to fly to NYC it came on the radio. My stepdad was driving at the time and I mentioned that is was weird that the guy in the song was making a big deal out of whether the father blessed the proposal or not. This was apparently the wrong thing to say because the following rest of the drive was devoted to them telling me how to “traditionally” propose to a woman and that includes seeking the Old Man’s approval.
They outlined that my stepdad himself wouldn’t have married my mom if my retired federal marshal Vietnam Vet grandfather hadn’t given the go ahead. My stepdad really outline how respectful he was because he was intimidated but that it was the “proper” thing to do.
Of only they knew that I was not a man, would not be in a hetero relationship, and would no way in hell allow my hypothetical S/O’s father to dictate marriage.
These lessons were common and usually involved more raised voices depending on the subject matter.
I remember calling my chest my “breast” once and got a good yelling at because “that’s not what men call their chest”
Good times. Goooooooooood times.
I’m sure that wouldn’t have lasting effects on me.
I can’t do this song. It ranks up there next to “Uptown Funk” for me in my “Popular songs that drive me up a wall” category.
The reason isn’t even so much that it has an earworm hook and got overplayed to the point of exhaustion while also haunting the backgrounds of commercials for the next three years.
No. The reason I can’t stand this song is the same reason no one has ever been cheered up and smiled when someone tells them they should smile.
My birth mom is one of those people that is convinced that one can overcome depression by sheer force of will. “Just cheer up! Just be happy!”. As a “joke” she would play this song when she thought I was “pouting” or being antisocial. This could include (but was not limited to) ,e reading quietly, me listening to music with headphones in, me wanting to nap, me gaming, me sitting quietly, me asking her not to do something, or attempting to draw boundaries of any kind.
I remember she had a thing were she would try and tickle me. I hate is. To this day I classify tickling as a form of torture. She would try to do it to “force” me to smile. It stopped when I had driven 3 hours to visit her and she did it to me. I told her if she did it again that I would leave and drive the 3 hours back. She acted insulted and hurt, told me I was being crabby. Later that night she did it again and I got up, grabbed my shit, and left.
I don’t know of that improved her outlook on what she thought my temperament was but she stopped trying to tickle me.
Okay, so people have VERY strong feelings about this song. The radio had a field day with it for some reason. My best guess is that Disney and the Mouse had some influence there. My feelings though are not because of small children loving this song, or being forced to watch the movie more times than should be legal. MY association with this song comes from:
“Sirius XM...The Blend”
That was the satellite radio that played from 9:30am until 10pm at the local Culver’s restaurant that I happened to work at. It was my first “real” job, meaning I paid taxes and got a paycheck.
I worked with my best friend Luke and his Sister (also a good friend) so over the 2-3 years that I worked there MANY shenanigans were conducted.
This song though? This song haunted that radio playlist for what felt like years. Anytime I was in the lobby or dining area cleaning something I seemed to catch it. Statistically it shouldn’t be possible to hear one song more than 10 times in one 6 hour shift. But here we are.
I distinctly remember one night closing I started to loudly sing along after the doors were locked because my manager that night HATED the song. Luke joined in as did the kitchen crew. He even turned off the music but it didn’t matter For the rest of that night we tried to work lines from the song into as many conversations as we could.
You know I have somehow NEVER been fired from a job?
This song is still one of my go-tos when I am feeling the itch of Wanderlust or anxiety around whatever the fuck I am going to do in the future.
“Hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don't have any plans”
How apt. By this point (Junior year) people were getting ACT tutors. Talking about colleges. Joining the military plans. I had been forced to drop a medical internship because my family didn’t have the money to get my to Arizona where it was and we didn’t have the money to fund a study abroad in Germany. I had now set dreams or aspirations. This song has such great energy despite its subject and I would just jam out to it often.
Everyday I had to drive to my School at around 6:30 in the morning. I am not a morning person and I had a habit of singing VERY loudly to songs in order to try and get myself some form of alive before getting there. I can’t pinpoint an exact ride but I DO recall watching the sky get slowly brighter as I sped along on the highway belting out lyrics.
As anyone that has ever ridden with me knows, if the car ride is over 3 minutes; I will most likely sing.
Ah yeah. This one. I heard the controversies and reaction TO this song before I ever heard the song.
When I did hear it I was sitting in the backseat of my birth mom’s car while she drove us to a restaurant (I think?). Her and my stepdad were sitting up front and immediately launched into a discussion about “The Gays”. I was at the time very sure I was queer. I hadn’t nailed down exactly HOW yet but I had an inkling that I was not straight.
Their conversation made me freeze up. I had liked the song. As a kid it was cute, wholesome, optimistic, and touching. If not a bit naïve, but honestly that’s what young questioning folks need sometimes. Some naivete to believe that the world isn’t all bad and can love you.
Instead I got two of the people I loved most in my life talking about how they were fine with f*gs and what not but that they should keep their activities in the bedroom. That there was no need for a song like this to be popular because things weren’t that bad for gays. Hell, my mom “even had a gay friend”. She accepted them.
She was surprised when I came out when I was 20. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner??”
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